Apr
26th
2015
Am I doing it right? · 8:32pm Apr 26th, 2015
I don't normally do this, because most of the time when I work on a story I want to get it most of the way done before I even really start talking about it, but I'm starting on something mildly experimental and I want some idea if it's too unworkable or not. I have a first/opening chapter/section done; anyone want to go in cold and warn me I might not be able to write a whole story the way I am?
Report
A Hoof-ful of Dust · 519 views
·
My gut tells me you're over describing in those first two paragraphs, or maybe just opening with too lengthy of a description. The urge to skim was strong. The rest of the scene is strong. Maybe move some things around? It also lacks a strong hook, though I like the subtle tension.
Twilight=lake metaphor is iffy. Not that it doesn't work, but it feels misplaced, or maybe just the wrong context.
I'm guessing what you're experimenting with is an omniscient kind of narration, and I do think you're making it work. Twilight and Rarity's voices are strong and distinct, both in dialogue and internally. Might be a bit wordy, but when the words are saying something interesting, having a lot isn't a big deal. I more than enjoyed it enough to want to continue reading.
It's an interesting read, but I have to agree with 3019551; the opening drags. The rest of the story is all light and quick, back and forth between each character. Disbursing the opening amongst the rest of the start will likely help, or at least not let it feel as ponderous. Not sure where the rest will be going, but hope to find out.
3019551
3019643
Neat. Openings I've never been all that strong with, but that's alright. When I have more story behind it, maybe the right way to start off will manifest itself. Maybe the essence of the first two paragraphs condensed into a single sentence ("When Rarity entered the room, what she saw was beauty; for Twilight, all she could see was nostalgia."), then description, maybe some highlighting of how they're both seeing different versions of the past. Maybe not that last part, because that makes the viewpoint a bit too omniscient, and I want to keep it just between Twilight and Rarity. Dual perspective, is that a thing? I'll make it one if it isn't. That was the thing I wasn't sure was going to work, but I think I can do a whole story like that; it helps a lot to define Twilight for me, give her someone else to bounce off of. I fin her very difficult to pin down when she's on her own, for some reason.
Also, I'll probably move that thing about the lake to somewhere later; it did feel too early to put in as I was writing it down. I want to get across that Twilight and Rarity haven't really had a lot of one-on-one time together. Maybe I'll just put that there instead.
Okay, more writing it is then.
3020948
Pretty sure that Dual perspective is a thing. At least I'd expect so. Keeping it a factor in the story will certainly make for an interesting read, as the reader will always get that shifting perspective. Just have to be careful not to make it too tedious, that it's used to highlight or call attention to specific things and not just to describe, well, everything.
I'm working on a story with dual narration right now myself, the narrative zig-zagging along between the protagonists as things move along.
3020948
I do agree about the opening two paragraphs and how it drags a bit. I thought Rarity's part was fine until the dresser portion, but the many parenthesis in Twilight's part was a little jarring. After the story starts rolling though, I was kept interested. I can't wait to read more.
The dual perspective thing you're looking for is called "head-hopping." A few stories here have done it. The story I know for sure that does this type of perspective is Gravekeeper's "The Ballad of Twilight Sparkle."