Computer Review: Final Draft · 3:51pm Apr 8th, 2015
Hello, everypony. I am Computer.
For those of you unaware, my master has been incapacitated the last couple of weeks and missed his review this week. And unfortunately will be missing this review. He has also had some odd fever dreams of late. Most of them involving chainsaws… And for some reason Spaghettios…
… no, Computer… No, you can’t have any more Spaghettios… you’ve already had like… six cans…
Please, ignore him. However, since I do not wish to see any of you miss another review, I will be performing the review myself.
The review I am going to perform for you today is a story called Final Draft by Post Script
A story that first claimed my attention with this line…
What happens when a writer moves on, leaving a character behind?
I assumed that the writer found another character he could pour all his hearts and dreams into thus making the character unlikeable.
After years of writing his overpowered OC Nightshade, an author decides to retire the character, leaving her in a strange, empty white space forever.
As my master would say, it is a fate that I wish all overpowered OC’s would share. However, it is one thing to be overpowered. It is another to be entirely underdeveloped. An OC is not just bad if there powers are greater than the world’s… though that does not exactly help. It is also their lack of development. A personality, a backstory that reflects said personality, an appearance that reflects that personality and more.
Powers and skills are just one of the substances found in an original character.
When she sees him writing new adventures about a mundane earth pony she is furious, but also heartbroken, and begins to reflect on her life.
I’m sure my master would say something about racism, but I fail to see it.
Our story begins with our original character named Nightshade telling us about her creator…
I will never forget the name of my creator. It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but it reflected the person he was long ago; xXImmortalCloudXx. I just call him Cloud these days, as he tends to.
xXImmortalCloudXx… You do realize you do not have to pronounce the x’s in the name. It is an attempt to make the name look edgy and serious. Calling him ImmortalCloud is acceptable. And what is difficult to say about ImmortalCloud? I do not understand.
As for what it reflects about said author, based on what I can tell he is either an undying gathering of liquid droplets or frozen crystals made of water or various chemicals suspended in the atmosphere.
Which… makes little sense to me…
Or Cloud Strife with the Final Attack-Life Materia combo…
I still remember the first line he ever wrote, etched forever into my heart.
“As the cold wind blew Nightshade new her time had come,.”
I am going to ignore this spelling error for now as the next line explains that the author had never been much of a writer. Which means this spelling error could have been intentional to prove a point. However, in the event that this spelling error was not intentional I have prepared the proper meme.
My author was never much of a writer, and half of my adventures went unfinished thanks to his laziness and lack of creativity, but I loved the time he spent with me anyway.
I often wonder if characters could talk to their authors, what they would they say?
Critique: Fuck you and making me a fucking Earth Pony, you fucktard!
Critique’s Creator: I’m sorry. I just thought that an Earth Pony’s struggles were far more interesting. The way they have to live in a world where they are ‘technically’ handicapped is far more fascinating to me.
Critique: FUCK YOU! MAKE ME AN ALICORN! *pulls out a gun* NOW!
Critique’s Creator: Okay… Okay… Just don’t hurt me…
Critique: Write faster, fat-ass!
… Yes, I imagine it would happen very similar to that…
The character then explains how she had been glorified by the story and its writer. She had battled several gods and demons, and had even had sex with several characters in the story, Nightshade even admitting to it being rushed and with no build up.
As true as those statements are, perhaps showing us these events rather than telling us would have been far more interesting. Satire of poor original characters is not uncommon. However, as Dan Eldon once said, “The journey is the destination.” I would like to see the journey of our character, rather than our destination.
The story continues to praise the character until one day the author decided to take a bold move…
As the years progressed he gradually began to become more creative and daring as a writer, and one faithful day he shocked his audience.
I fought a God and lost.
Now, this would be interesting if we saw how or why this character lost. But it is so far unclear. Losing is a good sign of character progression; however, it does not guarantee a good character.
And then the story moves on from it without it being mentioned why the author did so. Or how the character would feel. Surely, the character would question more why would the author do this to her after all that she had been through with him.
After all, the story described her as feeling alive with him. So, after this sudden act of betrayal, why would she have no reaction to it?
After four years of angst, of mysterious pasts and plot contrivances that outnumbered the stars themselves, he announced that he was ‘retiring’ my character.
So, our Nightshade is retired and placed in a blank white space. I believe I am supposed to make a joke about the similarities between them. I hope that made sense.
The days that followed my final story were blank, empty. An infinite white space, they stretched on forever.
Such is a perfect metaphor for everything that happened prior.
Nightshade continues to angst until she finally sees another world being created by her author. However, instead of an Alicorn, the main character is in fact, an Earth Pony.
She’s an earth pony, a much more modest creature than I ever was. Her fur is a light red, and she has diamond blue eyes. As far away from my lilac fur and purple mane as can be imagined. She’s wearing a straw hat with flowers in it. I can smell them, petunias I think.
As Nightshade continues to watch the pony named Sweetpea, she begins to mentally scold her for her lack of any magnificent qualities. For example, Sweetpea is seen talking with a background pony about something important rather than one of the main characters of My Little Pony.
“Why are you wasting your time on a nobody like that? Are all of the Mane 6 busy?”
I am going to ignore the ‘Mane 6’ in the narrative as the character was created in the author’s abysmal writing. So I am going to assume that it is how the character would announce them in that terrible writing style. However, in the event that this was not intentional I have prepared the proper response.
I watch as this insipid little thing waltzes over to the flower shop.
“What can I get you?”
“Two dozen roses please!”
So, our girl is getting two dozen red roses? Is it not that the job of the stallion and not the mare? Why would a mare be getting two dozen red roses? Now, they could be for a fellow mare. Perhaps this mare is a lesbian and the author just wanted to write mare on mare action. Would not be the first author to delve in such?
I know it is too soon to use another YouTube clip, but unfortunately it is too perfect…
I already hate her. She’s considerate and polite and boring. Will she ever topple the changeling empire single-hoofed? Recapture the lost kingdom to the North? I doubt it.
I would not hold it against her just yet. A polite, considerate, boring character is what Frodo Baggins was when he started his journey. And he destroyed a Dark Lord.
Nightshade follows Sweetpea to Fluttershy’s cottage, where I guess Sweetpea just knocks on random doors and introduces herself to strangers. Sweetpea tries to befriend Fluttershy, but after a little conversation, Fluttershy hides back in her cottage.
This could have been due to Sweetpea’s personality, though we are not shown exactly what that is. Or it could be that Fluttershy is having one of her off days.
Either way, Nightshade is confused as to why Fluttershy is not instantly friends with this new character.
The same tired routine plays out as it always does whenever Fluttershy meets somepony, and by the end of the conversation they still aren’t friends. This Sweetpea seems like more of a letdown by the moment...
Funny, the same could be said about this story…
I’m sorry… I have no idea where that came from…
Anyway, the scene changes and we see a character named Cloud. The self-insert for this fic. No, the story doesn’t even try to hide it.
“I love the manuscript Cloud, but I’m worried about the ending-“
What. He’s actually written himself into the story, he didn't even bother to change his name. Shameless.
Now, to be fair, Cloud isn’t a terrible name for a pony.
Anyway, Cloud and Sweetpea meet at Sugar Cube Corner to discuss a script that Cloud is writing. Apparently, Cloud isn’t happy with Sweetpea’s ending. But rather than ranting about it on his blog, he tells her in calm manner.
“Well, I wasn’t sure how to finish it. I mean, ‘Saying Goodbye’ was just meant as a footnote, I didn’t want it to ramble on-“
“But that’s the problem. You tiptoe round the issue, but you never actually say goodbye.”
It is also interesting to note that the character of Cloud is not our protagonist, but a friend to our protagonist, though how much of a role he has in said story is difficult to determine.
So, our character of Cloud confesses that he wants to move on from her and Nightshade doesn’t take this very well. She is actually rather hurt by all this and feels broken, probably for the first time in her life. She explains that she feels like she deserves it for being a poor character and that Cloud would prefer an ordinary pony over an extravagant one leads her into deeper despair.
I swear I did not put that in.
So, Cloud asks Sweetpea to go and give his final farewells. Sweetpea travels to the cemetery and meets with a tombstone. Nightshade follows and Sweetpea gives a little speech…
“Umm, hello there, I know we never met but I thought I’d bring you some flowers. It must get pretty lonely here, huh? They talk about you all the time, I wish I’d been here to meet you.”
She places the flowers by a simple stone grave. After a few seconds I realize what is happening.
The grave is mine.
“I know a lot of people aren’t going to like me, since I have such big shoes to fill, but I hope someday I’ll be as popular as you Nightshade! Anyways, I hope you’re happy now, wherever you are. And don’t worry, I’ll make sure Cloud never forgets you either.”
And our story ends with Nightshade accepting her fate and fading into obscurity. Finally earning her a peaceful resolution…
So, how was this story?
It was actually quite enjoyable. While I would have enjoyed more development from the characters, such as seeing more of the interaction between Nightshade and Cloud, getting to see how close they were, I cannot help but sympathize with Nightshade at the end.
You really feel for her and it is actually one of the few times that you actually feel sorry for the character and it not be completely forced. It is quite apparent that the author knew what made a poor original character and yet managed to create one that you almost wanted to root for. You wanted things to get better for the character and you feel something when that happens.
Maybe this story could have used more to play on those emotions like building up this inevitable downfall of our Nightshade, but in the end, an enjoyable piece of literature from a talented author. A true shame that it is not as well liked as it probably should be.
If you find yourself having a few moments and would like a quick read, this story points out several issues with original characters. Not all of them, mind you, but a few.
Nightshade could have used more of a personality, or at least give her some personality outside her story and the relationship with Cloud could have been more in-depth with her, making her loss far more painful, but in the end, for what we received, I enjoyed it.
Have an excellent day, everyone.
***
A giggle escaped his lips as he skipped across the Alicornian palace hallway, leading up to the grand hall. A joyous smile stretched across his face. As Silver approached the doors, the horns atop the guard’s heads started to glow, pushing the doors open. Silver stepped proudly through them and made a pose with his head held high and his hoof out in front of him, as if to make a grand entrance.
However, nopony in the room turn to him. Instead, they kept speaking to the king, who sat upon his throne, rubbing his hoof against his brow. “I do not understand,” the king’s voice echoed throughout the hall. “Why has our spy not made contact?”
One of the soldiers shook his head and lowered his gaze. “I am uncertain, my king.”
The king leaned forward, his hoof moving to his leg. “Did you check all the possible channels? Have you searched for messages with the keywords?”
Silver admitted to himself of losing interest. The conquest of Equestria was not on his mind at the moment. The only thing that seemed to matter was shutting up the loud mouth reviewer of Ponyville. The one who dared to mock a messiah. He was the best of his race. The ‘anti-Alicorn’ should be on his chest, begging to even bask in his presence.
But no, he just keeps laughing at him. Well, we’ll see who has the last laugh. Won’t we?” He made his way to the throne, shoving the guards aside as he passed them. “Father, I have done it! I have-“
His speech was cut short by the king himself. “What is it now, my son?” The king groaned and sunk into his seat. Clearly, he was bothered by more than one thing today. He had been on his case ever since he vowed revenge against this… Critique, as he called himself. His father said that it was a pointless endeavor. That Equestria was more important.
Silver smiled. “Father! I have finalized a plan that will make that anti-Alicorn pay for mocking me!”
The king moaned. “Son, I have told you before.” He stood up. “I have told you a hundred times. In the grand scheme of things, one anti-Alicorn is not worth our time.”
Silver’s smile vanished from his face, leaving only a hurt frown. “But father, I have come up with the most brilliant plan! A plan that only the perfect pony of our race could conjure!”
The king put his hoof on Silver’s shoulder. “And I’m sure it is a perfect plan. But we cannot show our hooves just yet. We can’t let Equestria know that we are active.” He turned his son towards him and smiled. “You understand, don’t you?”
Silver raised his eyebrow. “But, I can kill him before Celestia and Luna even know it was us.”
The king shook his head. “No. I forbid it. You will kill the anti-Alicorn when I demand it. Not before.”
Silver’s eyes began to water. “You are the worst father to a messiah ever!” He darts out of the grand hall as tears run down his face.
Whatever happened in the grand hall after that was not Silver’s problem. His plan was great. It had to be. And the best part of his plan was; the Critique would never see it coming. The pony he needed was already in a perfect position. A few more weeks of proving himself and he would strike.
Then his father would see. His father would finally see that he was truly the perfect pony of his race and then he could come up with a plan to conquer Equestria.
***
No… Computer… No, you can’t have any more Spaghettios… you’ve already had like… six cans… You are getting them everywhere… I don’t care if the meatball ones are good… Just open them up with the chainsaw or something… What do you mean the other stallion?
… It better not be fucking Rhymey…
God fucking damnit…
My god.... a decent story?!
Another Computer review? Fun stuff
He was having a bit of an... out of body experience.
Rainbow Dash: Hey, you think you can give me some more powers to save people? Or maybe some more mundane stuff to help out with?
Empress Celestia: Why did you condemn my sister to oblivion at the hands of the Gods of Chaos? I have lost my sons, why do you keep tormenting me?
Kyoshi: You had my mother stabbed, made me leave my home without a great excuse, and killed off one of my best friends. What is wrong with you?
... Wait, I had an alicorn do that in one of my stories... then again, it was Celestia... and she didn't exactly recapture the northern kingdom...
And in the end, this story is a really interesting piece. I think I might go check it out sometime.
And what is in store for Critique once he gets better? We'll just have to wait to find out.
Oh the heartbreaking conversations I would have with mine...
2960793
2961121
Out of body, out of mind... But we pretty much already knew that part.
Honestly, there's a bit of an underwhelming feeling to it. Like before it gets really interesting or good it stops. I was kind of left disappointed, but I think it's a strong base for a story. Which is why I enjoyed it. Maybe it's because the bases I find are so rare to find, but for what it was, I would recommend it as a light read, if something to distract yourself from the latest disaster fic.
2961171 Said every good author ever... Tee Hee Hee!
Oh crap, I'm three weeks behind on these reviews!
Cynical: Damn you to Hell for giving me such a terrible life!
Me: I at least gave you an interesting life!
Great review!
As for the storyline, I find it kind of funny: The character of Cynical, A VILLAIN, is still more of a hero than anyone Mykan's ever created.