What's posted now is canon, and... a serious personal note · 8:06am Apr 4th, 2015
Just to clear up some confusion, the non-canon version of the most recent chapter was only up for a couple of minutes. What's there now is canon. If you see the author's notes box, you got the canon version.
Also...
Jeez, this is going to get buried in all the blogs talking about the S5 launch tomorrow morning, isn't it... Still, I have to... I'm not sure how to start this, so I'm just going to say it.
I'm depressed.
Not just a little blue, I think this is real, deep, clinical depression. Something I haven't had to really fight in a long, long time. Watching the show doesn't even help. It just serves to remind me what I can't do anymore. To even get to sleep I often have to fight several waves of tears.
The cortisone injection hasn't done anything, really, although it's technically still too soon to tell on that front. It can take a week or two to have any real effect. But it doesn't feel like it's done anything, so, my mind is leaning towards the idea that it won't. Maybe the doctor is right and this isn't anything to do with carpal tunnel, but is instead something else. I don't know. All I know is that I'm not expecting anything from any treatment anymore. I'm going to take the couple weeks for this and then try cymbalta, and when that inevitably doesn't work I'm going to go get voice lessons that also probably won't work.
Yeah, I'm not exactly a bundle of laughs these days. I just... I don't see a way out anymore. I just don't.
I'm not going to give up. I'm going to keep plodding along with Rites, and with anything else I can do, but understand, unless a miracle happens, it's going to take me a long, long time to write this story. Or to do anything. Years. Many, many years.
But, on those rare times I do get to post something, send me a note, or a comment. I don't need a big analysis or anything. I'm NOT one of those authors that thinks comments are only worthwhile if you have some kind of keen insight on how to make things better. All I need is something to say that you still enjoy reading my story and that it's still worth keeping up with despite the delays, despite canon leaving it behind, and despite all the medical drama. It really, truly does help when you comment. The only two things keeping me going at all now are my wife and the fact that you guys like my story. It helps to fight that nagging doubt that's ever-present in my mind.
And truthfully, if I didn't have those two things, I don't know what I'd do.
-Cv
For what it's worth, I've seen and read your message. I'm sorry; clinical depression has struck me as a particularly unfair disease, and I hope that you get a surprising improvement in your luck. Even if all else fails, maybe you could volunteer for some cutting-edge medical research or something?
As for comments on your story, I'm afraid that I don't usually think of any. I am reading and enjoying it, though. While I'm here... let's see... Well, I'm interesting in the mystery we've just been introduced to, of course. I'm also wondering what the changelings might be up to, as, while it varies from universe to universe, I have at least a slight tendency to like changelings. Oh, and I don't care for the design of Twilight's apartment, but that isn't a criticism of the story. You and your Luna did a fine job with that; your Twilight, after all, is thrilled with it, and she's the one it was designed for. I can see it's quite well done for the effect it's going for. ...Not much of a comment that, I know, but I wanted to try and say something.
...Anyway, again, good luck.
I suspect a big part of the depression is most likely due to how long you have been dealing with these medical issues, and how it seems that nothing is working.
I empathize with you, whereas I myself am in a constant battle with depression. I pray that the cortisone works. That would be a major help in easing this depression which you're suffering through. I wish I knew more what I could do to help.
Do not be afraid to talk with us, your friends who believe in you, and care about you, my friend.
Hey, you're great and you deserve to have great times. I don't really have any experience with depression or know what to do or what to say, in a situation like this. But you create a new piece of yourself with your writing, and we are very lucky that you choose to share it with us. You do good things, and nothing will be able to take that away from you.
Just... well, as much support as we can give you here, it'll still probably pale in comparison to the real-life people you know. Your family, your loved ones... they love you, they care about you, and you add a lot of goodness to their lives. Don't be afraid to reach out to them, they are there for you, and can do more than we can.
One of the most frustrating things in life is to watch someone in pain or distress, and be unable to do anything about it. I've had family members go through clinical anxiety, been close to it myself, and yet the single must frustrating thing is that for an observer, there is very little tangible action that we can take to help.
You're half a world a way, on the other side of this screen.
Writers on this site say all the time how much comments on their stories, their pages and their blogs mean to them. I never really understood that until I started posting here. And even though I have what, ten followers? Every single time one of them writes a review, or a comment, or even just adds a story to one of their bookshelves, it makes my day. It really does.
Even knowing this, it doesn't feel like I'm doing something tangible when I comment on somebody else's story. And so often, I don't.
And you know what?
I think that's a mistake.
Rites was one of the stories that inspired me to actually start writing on this site. Honestly. I don't think I've ever thanked you for that.
So thank you, CV.
Thank you for the inspiration, for the hours of entertainment. Thank you for being so involved, for the back-stories (Love and Barriers is what actually lead me to Rites. A side fic written that well? That's something you don't see every day.) Thank you for this wonderful world inside of your head that you're willing to share with us.
One of my big aspirations is actually to write an adventure on the scale of Rites one day. I've got a long way to go, and a lot of learning to do, before I can attempt it. But the thousands of horsewords sitting on my computer wouldn't be there if not for people like you.
Leaving canon behind? This is fanfiction. If every story were to stay absolutely true to the show, most of the interesting stories on this site wouldn't exist. It's the stories about what-ifs and what-might-have-beens that this site exists for. And few are as compelling as what you write.
Delays? Hah! Horizon's Hard Reset 2 hasn't updated in about a year now, even though he's still active on this site.
Years? Please. I've read fantasy stories where the writers have died before they've finished them (looking at you Robert Jordan). Rites is something I'll happily wait for, for as long as it takes. It's that good.
I don't comment a lot on stories. For years, I just read without participation. There are probably a lot of people like me. But we're here. We exist. We care. We read what you write, and we do so not because we have to, not because we have nothing better to do. We do it because we think that what you're writing is worth taking time to read. We read your blogs, because we actually care about you.
Keep it up. It's worth it, though it may not always seem that way. And we'll be here for you.
Always.
I will admit that I'm not always the best with leaving messages or comments with each new chapter or blog.
I do read them as the come and when I see a medical update, I hope that it would be the treatment or diagnosis that would be the start of the path to recovery. It's not fair both the medical matters and that treatments have not been effective, but I hold on hoping that things would finally go for the better for you. I also can't say that I empathize with knowing what depression is like, but even so I know how devastating it can be. To this I do I hope that cortisone will work and that things would finally turn around for you.
As for Rites and its universe, I've enjoyed the story. The more refreshing take of showing Twilight's family as less than perfect. Seeing your take on Princess Luna. On how Twilight handles problems in her first mission. With how the plot develops and much more than that. Simply put, I enjoy Rites and the universe you're slowing building around it and I'm always please to see it update.
Rites is a story that I've reread a few times, but I've also gone back into the story more times than that for some of my favourite sections. I do truly enjoy the story and I will wait for it regardless of how long it is between updates.
I'm uncertain of how to end this, but I do wish you the best of luck and I hope that the cortisone works.
Depression sucks, but we are here. though not in person we are all here because we love your writing. Ascension is in all honesty one of the best stories I have ever read on this site. So good I have actually lost track of the number of times I have re-read it. So yeah, don't let depression convince you that your writing is anything less than spectacular.
Years to finish? Hah, compared to me your writing is blindingly fast. Not to mention many times better quality. I will wait.
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Glorious as it ususaly is, sometimes being on the internet just sucks, isn't it?
Cv, I'm fine with being in for the long run. Rites is great and, in my humble opinion, one of the best and most well-crafted stories on this site. Doesn't mean I'm not gonna hope that they finally find what little piece of whatever is plagueing you, but if it takes time, it's gonna take time.
Seriously mate, give it time. Everything that you try and it doesn't work eliminates one potential option. As long as you keep trying there is always another chance. The only way to truly fail is to give up.
Here's hoping that this time is the trick.
P.S. Something that might give you a laugh or two:
You are an excellent writer! I hadn't found Rites until a few months ago, and now checking it for updates is a regular thing for me. Knowing that you have a planned out story long-term(just down to how fast you can write it) is exciting for me. Each time I read, I can't wait to see what you have in store next. Thanks for sharing, and I will try to be more vocal in comments about all that I like in the story. There is plenty of it.
Also, keep letting us know of ways we can help. Writers who are willing to share your quality of work just for the sake of mutual enjoyment of the material deserve the support. Hang in there, bro!
You write good stories, and you should feel good!
No, really, I want you to feel good about what you've accomplished. So, thanks for all the work you've put into entertaining me.
That's all; thanks.
Aww, CV I know I haven't been around much, haven't been helping as much as I used too but man you ever need someone to talk to. I'm here, okay? I love your work, all of it.
Hey, look I don't pretend to know what you going through but what I do know that you have created an excellent personal story universe that delves into MLP and yet strides to be its own thing. Feel proud about that!
And feel proud and that people want to read your story! It's one of my personal favourites on FimFiction.
And again although I don't pretend to know what you're going through, I'm pretty sure that there are other people on here who have either been through or are having the same experiences as you are.
There is one reason that all of us are here and that is the MLP show, but there is different reason that we all stay and that is that we feel safe here, that we can be ourselves!
Mate, I've been there.
In this great big hole where everything looks dark and you have that horrible feeling that nothing will be bright ever again.
Where you don't have the will or the energy to do ANYTHING, because nothing you do will be good or right or fun, so you end up just staring at things, doing nothing but ruminating about how horrible things feel. Where you start wondering, if just ending it all might be a valid option.
So let me tell you: Get help! (if you have not done so already)
Go to a doctor that you trust and tell him - especially if you notice that you thinking about harming yourself - suicidal ideation is a big warning sign. Then you'll together figure out a way how to help you get better - be it counseling, psychotherapy, antidepressants, or whatever else. (Sometimes even just being able to talk to someone about your burden reduces the pain). And again, if you ever think you might try to hurt yourself, call some; be it your wife, a friend, a counseling hotline - you are loved and you are important to many people - your family, your friends, your fans.
As hollow as it may sound right now (I've been there): Things will get better again. You are not alone.
(PS: Your stories are fantastic!)
Reading this and reading the comments, I must admit I feel ashamed for not commenting more on Rites of Ascension since it's easily one of the most epic stories I have ever read here. It is one of the first I started to read when I my journey on fimfiction begun and it is still one I am always happy to see a new chapter of. It is masterfully written and in that regard clearly one of the best there are.
I too have my experiences with the feeling of being unable to really help but know this:
I you ever need some random guy on the internet to talk about your life. Don't hesitate. My door is always open and I promise I will listen and I won't try to give you advice unless you ask me to. I have long since learned that with psychological diseases you can rarely help anyone with good intentions alone. Most of them are rooted somewhere in their consciousness and you can't 'heal' them from the outside. You can only lend strength and help the affected to 'heal' themselves. I put 'heal' in quotes since I doubt the affected are 'ill' in the usual sense and it wouldn't do less then good to treat them as if they were.
Of course I also have learned that a clinical depression can be 'real' disease as well as it can be rooted in a neuro-chemical imbalance and as such has to be treated accordingly. Be that as it may, it's beside the point.
I wish you to find new strength in your life and make your way out of that valley of dark thoughts.
One last tip though: Try not to let your fears rule you. Talk about your thoughts and do so often. Don't hesitate to trust those close around you. It will help. I guarantee it.
P.S.: I may not be a physician but to my knowledge cortisone is an immune suppressive. It seems strange to me why that should help with a clinical depression.
Hey, Rites is an epic story. I mean, there's close to 3k people tracking it. You're an excellent writer, and don't let depression or doubt tell you otherwise! Also, try not to worry about how long it takes you to write, just do what you can and take it easy. We understand, and are all in support of you here.
I still enjoy Rites its hands down one of my top three favorite stories.
Knowing how hard it is for you to write it, I want you to know how much I appreciate it. I don't read very many horsewords nowadays, but I love reading yours. Stay strong, Mr. CV.
It won't help, but I really pity you. Well, neither will "hey cheer up because..." help, so there. I'm just about to crawl out of that hole you find yourself in. Funny how there actually are colours in this world; I almost forgot about that during the last year.
If none of the anti-depressants work (or they do, a little, and then the effect vanishes again) try to make sure your diagnosis is correct.
Cymbalta (the same goes for Sertralin) will after a while send you into a really, really bad depressive episode if you're not actually clinically depressive but bipolar (manic/depressive) as it was in my case.
Took more than a year to get the right diagnosis... bipolar doesn't have to mean euphoric/suicidal episodes. Far from it. In my case it's between somewhat functional and moderately depressed (with occasional very low dips). That can very easily be misdiagnosed as depressive.
Lamotrigine/Lamictal works in my case, a very different compound than Cymbalta and the likes. Stabilizes the mood and especially prevents those bottomless pitts. Maybe you already have and I'm talking for nothing, but try and ask a psychiatrist about a thorough evaluation and testing of your diagnosis if the antidepressants don't work or make it worse. My usual doctor misdiagnosed. Specialist needed. Got right medication. Life worth living.
Whatever you do, all the best to you. And all the endurance.
Depression sucks. I had some minor depression as a teenager, and it was not fun. So I'm so sorry that you're going thorough it. Get better, and no rush!
Oh man, that's harsh.
I was depressed a few years ago, probably not as bad a case as you have, but one thing that does wonders for your mental health, which i wish i knew of back then, is meditation - give it a try, it's not anything complicated, easier than many think really.
Anyway, i hope you get better, and thank you for reminding me of S5, i had completely forgotten about it.
I know what depression feels like. Hang in there, pal. You're more liked than you think.
I enjoy Rites of Ascension immensely. You weave an incredible, intricate story and it's a shame that this has happened to you. I'm glad that the fact that I like it can be of consolation, and I'd like you to know that I'm praying fervently for you. I know you probably don't care, but I believe that there's another, perfect place for hope. There's a place to go for peace during pain and suffering. (Psalm 46:1: "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble")
I know a number of people who went through depression like this, and they found rescue from it in Jesus. Whatever happened, they felt Him see them through. (2 Corinthians 12:9: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness:) I'm praying, and have been praying that you'd be seen through by Him. It's going to be Easter tomorrow. Maybe you're planning on going to a church service for that. If you do, please at least give it a deeper listen. Maybe, just maybe, you'll be touched,
Whichever way you go, I wish you the best of luck, and God bless you.
(Also, try a chiropractor. I've always heard that if the medicines don't work, it might just be a chiropractor problem. Pinched nerves and all that, you know.)
I'm rooting for you, the world you've built with Rites is astounding and I don't want to see illness take you out of the game. And just like the person below me said, see a chiroprator, but perhaps a hand specialist and maybe a licsenced natural health perfessional. Sometimes you have to get back to the folk treatments to find something that works. Try soaking your hands in epsom salts. I find the kind that smell mint helps calm your mind and brighten your day.
I can only echo the above comments.
Drugs for depression do help some, and they help significantly - but they are not without side-effects and should be done cautiously.
Thanks a lot for Rites.
I am enjoying it greatly, and it takes my mind off my own problems.
I would say 'get well soon' - but it can be difficult to see an end.
The only thing inevitable is that Rites will continue to be awesome and we readers will keep coming back for more.
I like it...Don't give up, CV
Dang, I'm really sorry to hear that. But the other commentors are right. Don't let it go untreated. It's huge that you recognize that you're depressed. Talk to your doctor, get a counselor, ask your wife to go along with you and help.
I've loved your story since day 1. You really are an excellent writer and have a gift for world-building. I still get a thrill when the new chapters post, too. :)
I hope you get better, and find a medication that works.
CV the fact that you keep fighting is amazing enough, and to keep writing such an awesome story, one of my personal favorites is even more awesome. I've kept up with most your posts about your uphill battle against your ailment and you must know we're all behind you about this. Even with your tough times you keep posting relatively regularly compared to others who maybe post every couple of months when they feel like it. Personally myself, and I'm sure many others, wouldn't put it against you to take a little break. Perhaps do a little soul searching or just to rest your pains.
I along with many others, wish you the best of luck.
Keep fighting on.
Cv, Rites is one of my very favorite stories on this site. You are one of a handful of authors on my "drop everything and read this" list. I'm not very good at always leaving a comment, but I'll try to do so more often.
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The cortisone is for what is hopefully carpal tunnel syndrome. Er, not that I wish CTS upon CvBrony. It's just that if it isn't CTS, he's back to having no idea what is wrong and therefore little hope for getting it treated in the short run.
Compared to many other people you update regularly and quickly. You could take two months for a single update instead of just one and it would still be considered a regular update schedule, happening often enough to still be considered "alive" so to speak.
I don't think any of us really mind what delays happen, and whatever comments you get are proof enough that we care. I'm not one who comments a lot unless there's something I find incredibly funny or amazing, or eye catching enough that I can't help but comment. But if just a small mention of something, a small token piece of acknowledgement for you to know that I still follow and enjoy the story... If that's all it takes to keep your spirits up, I'll make sure to remember commenting a little more often
Don't worry about timing on updates. Worry more that working on it helps you feel like you are accomplishing something, whatever the pace you are working at may be. That is the really important thing.
That's coming from someone who spent 3 years basically bedridden from pain because it took the doctors 6 years to properly diagnose a benign glandular tumor. Focus on what makes you feel like you are still accomplishing things, don't worry about them being big, focus on the little day to day accomplishments. Keep those things in mind, it can do a world of good for your mental disposition. And talk about any frustrated feelings you have, if not with a professional than with someone close, family or otherwise that will listen and let you vent and offer support there. That's what got me through those 3 years of hell on earth (couldn't even pick up a plushie at times without it feeling like my fingers were on fire).
I've looked into assisted typing/pointing devices a bit more, and it turns out that there are quite a few already on the market that might help (and several that are readily bodged together if buying one isn't an option).
These range from relatively mundane things (trackballs for foot use, wands held in the mouth or otherwise manipulated for pressing keys) to more exotic (head-tracking, eye-tracking, brainwave-sensing).
It might be worth checking with your doctor to see if your insurance will cover any of these.
Community scrounging may also be an option if you find one of these that would be useful to you. I'm sure lots of us would be willing to help.
Even if it takes years and years to finish this story, I'll still be waiting with a bag of popcorn and a "Congratulations" for you.
Thank you for all the world building you have done. This story is awesome enough that i have a bookshelf devoted to it and it's related works. I am sorry about the depression but please know that you are appreciated.
All I can say is that I have confidence you can get through this. We all care for you and will be here to support you.
I offer all the virtual hugs I can be give. Though I would suggest getting real ones from some friends or family. Virtual hugs are only so effective...
I've been on this website since April of 2012. In that time I've favorited 1047 stories, god only knows how many I've read total and not favorited. That's a little over 27.8 millions words. I follow 164 authors on this site, and I only follow authors who consistently produce good stories.
In all that time, with all that reading, I can honestly say that you are my favorite author on this website, and that Rites is my favorite story. That isn't exaggeration or hyperbole or sycophantic flattery. It is a simple fact. What you do is worth waiting for.
Cv: See my PM. Also, so many comments!
I couldn't care less about the show-cannon leaving this behind, as I left the show and most of the fandom behind a while ago. I continue to read this story and get excited every time I see a new chapter out because you've created something fantastic. I really hope you feel better sir.
CV You are an awesome creator. My favorite author of my favorite story. Every time your story updates I make time immediately to read it as soon as I see the email that says Rites has updated. Stay Strong, you will find a way!
*hugs* I know a virtual hug doesn't help much but I do care. I've had minor depression a couple of times, enough to have and inkling (just an inkling) of what you are going through. I hope you can get something that can help. Exercise, therapy, medication (a combination?), something that will help you through it. With time and support (because you aren't alone), I know you'll get through it.
Oooh hey! A blog post. Been awhile Since i read one of these.
Sorry to hear that the treatment is being slow and unhelpful. Don't worry about making the chapters slowly though. You're a strong individual that has consistently given us a terrific story despite actual pain caused by writing it. You're the only author i know that has gone to such great lengths for their passion. The absolute LEAST we as your viewers can do is be patient. ;3
Take your time and don't forget to relax.
On my way through Rites now! So far, it's one of the best fics that I've found on this site. Know that you've got at least one more fan who will stick with you to as long as you choose to keep writing!