Critique Review: The Return to Darkness · 4:46pm Apr 1st, 2015
A gathering of ponies assembled at the cemetery of Ponyville. A murder had happened only a week ago at the Ponyville library. One pony dead. Cause of death: Chainsaw.
Some say he put up quite a fight against the psycho that attacked him. Others say he probably begged for his life crying like a baby. Those who knew him said they wouldn’t be surprised of the latter.
The priest stood up in front of the crowd. “We are gathered here to honor a life. A life that was taken from us too soon.”
As he looked down upon the funeral, the Critique saw only seven ponies attending. “Seriously?!” he shouted. “This is all the turn out I get for my death?!”
Despite how loud his voice was in his own ears, it seemed that everypony else was deaf. Not a single soul turned to him. He hovered in front of his brother, a large blue earth stallion with a slightly darker blue mane. He waved his ghost like hoof in front of the large stallion, expecting some kind of response. Sadly, there was none.
A heavy sigh escaped his lips. He turned towards the audience and spoke. “Well, thanks for the turn out, I guess.” He looked into the crowd. “Let’s see… My mom, my dad.” He pointed towards a mare and a stallion holding each other tightly. There was no way to tell which one was crying harder. “My brother, his wife and his daughter.”
A trio of ponies. One earth pony, an earth mare and a unicorn filly. The mother had her hooves wrapped around the filly as she cried into her mother’s chest.
He looked up to see a computer monitor. “Computer.” He looked at the last guest who was drinking out of a flask. “And that guy I shared an apartment with for three days.”
His mind thought back to that moment. He shouldn’t have been roommates with him as long as he did. And he shouldn’t have broken his lease either. His finances were still paying for that. Or at least, they were. Before he died.
Crazy mother of the year breaks into his home with a chainsaw and he cries and begs her not to cut him up.
He couldn’t remember anything after that, but then again, he didn’t need to.
He turned back to the audience. “You know, this isn’t how I expected to die. In a freak Chainsaw mishap. I expected to die in a war against a God of Evil or something, where I’d expire in Rarity’s arms and she’s confess her love to me just before I croaked. … That’s how I always planned on going.”
***
Hello, everypony. I am… or was, The Critique.
Yeah, ever since my passing last week, things have been a little quieter around here. I’m not sure why I’m still on this world if I’m dead. I’m guessing whoever is in charge of sending spirits to where they need to go is working on my throne to sit while I rule the universe.
Oh, the lives I can make miserable when I get that throne. Until then, I’m stuck here. So, I’ll be giving one final review. The afterlife awaits me. And personally I can’t wait to basically ruin everyone’s lives!
After all, bad fan fics ruined mine. So, what story should I review? Hmm…
Okay, I’ve got it. Let’s review The Return to Darkness by Princecometrder.
Wait, The Return to Darkness?
Oh, Jesus… I’ve heard about this one…
The OC in this is supposed to be so bad, that is makes Lightning Dawn and Thunder Ice… No, they’re still as bad as this guy.
Prince Comet Rider, huh? Well, that’s already a whole letter grade down the drain. I would expect a B as the highest grade you can get on this assignment.
But don’t get too comfortable. We haven’t even opened up the story yet. And I’m a really stickler for quality storytelling.
This is the story of my own character Comet Rider, the prince of equestria. I split the story into flashbacks by the characters. and the pairing will be Comet Rider and Rainbow Dash
Yeah… I wouldn’t expect a B out of this either.
First off, learn to capitalize your names of places! Equestria is the name of a place where your magical horse is the prince of. CAPTIALIZE IT! Second, thanks for spoiling the romantic interest between Rainbow Dash and Comet Rider. I’m sure it’s going to be as forced as all the other pairings of this character, as well as make Rainbow Dash look less of a character that her fans enjoy her for.
Note that we have not even opened the first chapter. This is just the description of what we are in for. As you can see, it gives us plenty of insight of what we’re in for. Nothing. Which coincidently is about how much this story has to offer.
Our story actually begins with Chapter 1: The Return of Discord.
This story was pretty embarrassed when Discord actually returned in Season 3.
It all started as a normal day in Canterlot.
The sky was blue over Ponyville! Differently location, same shitty intro!
The royal guards were patrolling as usual and the Princess of the day, Princess Celestia was sitting on her throne awaiting the next letter from her student Twilight Sparkle.
Because that’s all Celestia is good for and has no other royal duties whatsoever.
Celestia's POV
*I had really thought it was a slow day today. I hoped that my student would reply back soon. As I pondered a bit, I looked to see one of my guard approaching*
Oh, Jesus… It’s going to be one of those stories.
Number 1… You don’t need to tell us whose point of view this is like that! You can do it is so many other creative ways. Like have her deep in thought or describe her mane and what it’s doing as she focused on other things. I don’t know, just something beyond this lazy, “CELESTIA POV LOL :P”
Number 2: I don’t think Celestia gets slow days with ruling an entire nation! But I’m sure I’ll figure that out first hoof once I get my throne.
The guard warns Celestia that Discord has returned from his stone prison. Celestia tells the guard to send for Twilight Sparkle and her nephew.
No, not that one.
She then starts to think about how her niece and nephews came to be.
No one's POV, 18 years ago
Wait a minute… Wouldn’t this technically be Celestia’s point of view since she’s the one remembering it? Unless No one is actually a character. In that case, he’s the best character in this story.
*It was a stormy night that day.
So, was it day or night?
Oh, great! Luna and Celestia are fighting again! Send them to the moon for time out!
The sealing of Nightmare Moon hadn't lasted the full thousand years. She had somehow returned from the moon and had tried wreaking havoc, but due to her early return her power was greatly reduced. She was captured and held in a cell. Six long months passed as many ponies treated her badly. Today would be different*
So, Nightmare Moon appeared 18 years before the events of the first episode and she was captured and treated badly?
… Why the fuck would Celestia allow that?! If Nightmare Moon did appear, why did everypony seemed so shocked when she did finally appear?! Did everypony just forget the events of 18 years ago?! Do they really have such short term memories?!
Another thing, the story says that Nightmare Moon ‘somehow’ returned! Thanks for showing us that! You know that saying ‘this character somehow did this’ better either be a good joke or building up to something! Since this is all seriousness, this is just lazy!
Also, enjoy this scene of Nightmare Moon being treated badly, enjoy how Nightmare Moon is being tortured by… um… being tormented… Hold on, let me check again…
Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing! How was she treated poorly?! Was she beaten?! Hung by her ankles?! Forced to read work by FelixDawn?! What was done to her to make her miserable?!
The story then switches point of view to a character named ‘Unknown’.
Unknown POV
Actual image of our character.
Unown is patrolling the dungeon when he notices something.
*I had been patrolling the cell of nightmare moon. Her usual loudness was quiet today so I decided to pay a visit to her. As I walked inside I noticed she was lying down quite sad and lonely.
Her usual loudness was quiet? Wow… that was deep. Her loudness being quiet? This story is asking questions… It’s making me consider what a horrible pony I’ve been in life. About how I’ve always been a jealous asshole… It’s forcing me to confront issues that I’ve deemed unimportant for so long… Could it be that this story… has more to it than I imagined?
"You have been very quiet lately Nightmare.*
*She raised her head, her alluring dark blue eyes gazing upon me* "I have nothing to be loud about guard.
I didn’t know what you were loud about in the first place!
I’m just going to assume that Nightmare Moon was banging pots and pans together the whole time! That or she was singing Simple Plan!
*At this I would smile gently and then reply with*I thought that maybe you'd like somepony to talk to. No one deserves to be all alone. Least of all you"
It’s a good thing you don’t have a sister that cares about you and wants to help you in the best way a sister could, otherwise, I could never get inside your pants!
Oh, and I’m not even kidding. A few lines of dialogue and then Unown and Nightmare Moon pork. Yeah, such wonderful chemistry there! Why do stories like this always have to have a sex scene in these?! Is there just a law that every bad fan fiction must have a sex scene in them to fool its audience into thinking it’s edgy?! I’m not saying that a sex scene automatically makes a bad fan fiction, but I’m saying that sex that comes out for no fucking reason or no build up to it.
This is just … right the fuck out of nowhere. Just like everything else that comes of this story.
So, we start our next chapter with this author’s note.
Authors notes: hi again. Um I will try to make this chapter longer that the first chapter but no promises. And I noticed the link I put didn't work. Sorry about that. Clop in this chapter. I will give a warning before it happens though.
… You’ve already got the mature warning on your story! Why does there need to be a warning about the clop?! If you have the sex and mature warnings on your story, you don’t need to warn them about the clop?! Anyone reading this would be reading it knowing this had sex in it?! That would be like setting up a story with a warning about over adorableness and…
Warning!!! Warning!!! This story contains diapers, breastfeeding, cuddling and cuteness. If you have a fragile heart, beware. You have been warned.
Oh… yeah… That did happen last week… Carry on…
Chapter 2
The Birth of Honour
No Pov
So, is this story just an illusion in our heads? Granted, that would make this story a lot better. Or is this just No One’s first name. Like Mr. T with his name.
*Two months has passed since Spirit Riser and Nightmare Moon met. Over time they slowly grew closer,
I know I usually am the first to rant and rave about the ‘show, don’t tell’ rule, but I’m dead. I don’t give a shit.
Deep inside Spirit knew he was falling in love with her. Today he would tell her how he feels.
Well, at least Unown found a plethora of things that he could like about Nightmare Moon.
Yeah, I think Unown was the co-writer.
So, Unown gets to Nightmare Moon’s cell and Celestia is already there, discussing something with Nightmare Moon, but we aren’t shown what.
Turns out they were exchanging recipes for herbal teas.
So, Unown tells Nightmare Moon that he is in love with her and that he wants to have sex with her. Of course, our Nightmare Moon agrees because she’s in love with him too. Yeah, okay I believe that. Just like Davis and Kari. They areLIKE THE PERFECT COUPLE.
*At that he would press his lips against mine, his lips was soft against my lips, I would slowly return the kiss and wrap my hooves around him*
*Clop Alert*
And then they have sex through the cage. Well, I assume that because there is never any mention of him going into the cell. But who am I kidding? Of course, Unown’s wang is large enough to go several feet!
So, they two have sex in a prison cell because, hell, I guess anywhere works.
And we cut back to present day.
Unknown POV
*I sat in my room thinking to myself on how quiet it had been since Nightmare Moon had been defeated.
Wait, did the sex count as Nightmare Moon being defeated? Yeah, she was sure quiet when she tried to make the night last forever.
It turns out this is Prince Comet, an expert in cleaning your restrooms, usually followed around by his partner, Bleach. Bleach and I go waaaay back.
(Ok sorry for the late upload but college and laziness weighed me down hehe. I will need to think up what I will do for the third chapter. Till then, peace out everypony.)
Wait, wait, wait… You are in college? And you have writing that looks like it was done by a 5th grader?! For seriousness, learn the basics of grammar! Now, I’m not saying that English has to be your major if you want to go to college nor do you need to know all the rules of grammar! But the very basics at least!
Capitalization on the names of people, places and things would be a good fucking start! About 75% of the time, this story doesn’t capitalize the names of its characters! That’s basic writing! Grade school stuff! And that didn’t carry over to college?! What did the letter of admissions look like?!
Dear professor thomas,
Thank you for giving me, prince comet rider, the opportunity to work in your facility, the equeistran research faclility for mary sues.
Our next chapter sees Scratch Free Comet discussing his thoughts about fighting Discord.
*It was getting dark outside, we would be facing discord tomorrow and I was a little worried. My mother had been easy, but discord is a god.
Wait, so Comet fought against his mother? … When the fuck was that?! We were never shown that! Was that during the first episode but Comet was invisible and mute the entire time?! Little known fact, Comet is actually in every episode of the series. He’s made as much of an impact on the show as I have.
Also, why are they waiting an entire fucking day to deal with Discord?! Isn’t that like waiting until tomorrow to deal with General Zod? … Wait, I already made a Mare of Steel joke? When?! … Really?
Okay then… Moving on…
There would soon be a knock at the door and I would tell the others on the outside to come in*
So, I guess we can add foresight to the ever growing list of powers that Comet with inevitably have as we are introduced to two new characters, Star Shower and Emerald Shine. I don’t know why we are introducing them in the story as they will serve ultimately no purpose in this story whatsoever. Was this an attempt at some anti-sue bullshit?!
That if you put enough Mary-sues in your story that will somehow balance out the fact that there are Mary-sues in your story? That didn’t work for Mykan! Why would it work for you?
And yes… they are apparently alicorns as well.
Alicorns just spring up like rabbits. You can never get rid of them.
Well, if you didn’t cause an animal uprising, I wouldn’t be racist against rabbits. I’m just pointing that out.
Hey guys, what’s up? *I would smile warmly to them, aside from the mane six,
Who haven’t even appeared in this story?!
Also, ‘mane six’ HA! THAT’S FUNNY! AND ONLY GETTING FUNNIER AFTER THE 18TH FUCKING TIME!
Emerald and Star were the only ones I could trust with my innermost feelings and my thoughts*
It turns out Emerald and Star were the only ones that knew he was into Minotaurs rather than ponies. … Just don’t ask how they found out…
Emerald and Star are worried about Discord, but thankfully Comet Spray Cleaner is there to reassure them.
*I would chuckle a bit to lighten the mood*
*Star smiled at me gently and would giggle a bit* oh comet, your such a silly filly *even though you arnt a filly
This was the story’s attempt at humor… Why aren’t you laughing you might be asking?
12 years ago
Young comet’s POV
Everypony, we have a new student here today, he is our princesses’ nephew, please welcome Prince Comet Rider *I would then walk into the room a bit shy, my tail covering my blank flank* um h-hello everypony
Actually, that is inaccurate. Comet was manufactured in 1956. Way longer than 12 years ago.
So, some of the students start making fun of him for being a blank flank. I know I certainly was. But thankfully, like our beloved Grand Ruler before him, he has a pony that stands up for him. Twilight Sparkle.
And as is typical in every bad fan fiction with terrible original characters, some generic bullies come around and make fun of Twilight. They offer Comet to be a part of their gang and then we have our traditional most over the top reaction that Comet could possibly give.
*The bullys would laugh then look at Comet* Hey prince, don’t hang out with this loser, hang with us. *I would look down as I felt like I was going to lose the one possible friend I had here*
NO!
Where in that movie it was actually cool, this is… forced as hell…
*That one simple word caused me to jolt my head up, Comet would stand in front of me and charge a spell up* I will never abandon Twilight, she has been so nice to me and I will never turn back on her. You are bad ponies and you shouldn’t do this to her, think of the honour you will lose if you bully a filly!
… Who talks like that?
Also, ‘hero’, how about you just do it because it’s the right thing to do?! Did you ever think of that?! You don’t need to owe anypony to do the right thing! You do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do!
Urgh! Anyway, Comet with Lavender scent manages to beat the bullies and Twilight makes him her BBBFF. We later found Shining Armor in a dumpster.
We then cut back to the present, where we are wiser with the… oh so important scene where Comet gets his cutie mark.
Comet flies off to meet with the main six.
Spike: “Oh hey there Comet, have you come to see Twilight?”
“Yes Spike it’s a matter of great importance that I see her and the girls.”
Spike: “Oh ok then”
Did I just lose the fan fic version and find a script for a play or something? Fuck, even a script for a play would have more detail than this!
Spike would go to get Twilight, and I would sit down. Discord presented a very large threat. I mean he was the freaking god of chaos, if that isn’t threatening then what was?
Well according to Soren, he’s a very large threat, not threatening enough to cause any real problems. But a very large threat all the same.
Comet and Twilight see the Chocolate Rain meme going on outside and they gather up the others and the Elements of Harmony.
Rarity: “My word! I am going to get my new dress dirty!”
Fluttershy: “Oh my, I hope the animals are ok”
Pinkie: “Weeeee! Chocolate rain!”
He’s using the bare skin of our characters!
He’s making us look like stereotypes…
I now know what chocolate rain means…
So, Twilight uses her failsafe spell to fix everything.
Twilight would use said spell but unbelievably but kinda obvious to me, it failed.
Twilight: “My failsafe spell….failed?”
Something… feels familiar about this scene… But I can’t … quite put my hoof on it…
… I’m sure it’s nothing…
So, our heroes go to Canterlot where Celestia explains that years before the six Elements of Harmony…
What? What do you mean that’s wrong?
Seven Elements of Harmony?!
There are seven?!
Fuck…
Celestia: “Because the seven elements of harmony were tied to me and Luna when we defeated Discord. The sealing spell held up, but now, that you and the girls have got the elements with you, they are no longer tied to me and your mother.”
Gee, I wonder how much fucking sense this seventh Element of Harmony is going to make.
We then flashback to 4 YEARS AGO! This story has way too many flashbacks! Why can’t we deal with anything in the plot in the present first?! This story feels like it’s on a fast forward/rewind trip! It goes forward for about half a minute to rewinding to explain something that has no relevance to what is going on at the moment!
How do you think it would work if the series, during a big moment with Nightmare Moon, showed images of how Twilight and Rarity got their cutie marks?
Twight: Oh, no… *Nightmare Moon appears in a fog of black smoke* Nightmare Moon.
*Spike falls off Twilight Sparkle’s back, fainting with a moan.*
Nightmare Moon: Ah, my beloved subjects…
15 years ago…
Twilight: My parents decided to enroll me in Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.
Elsewhere…
Rarity: What’s going on?! *The horn on her head glows a blue light as it drags her across the land. At first, she struggles and fights against the seemingly unstoppable force. However, after a few minutes, she narrows her brow and surrenders to the horn’s whim.*
Also, elsewhere. Years later
Maud Pie: This next one is about rocks… They’re all about rocks.
Twilight bites her lip, not wanting to speak of her disinterest.
Also, elsewhere. Many, many years later
The ruler of said place is called the Grand RulerTri-Horned UnicornMykanDavisCopy-cat who rules over his unicorns by enslaving them without their knowledge. This would be an interesting aspect of the story if the unicorns actually didn’t worship the Grand Ruler like some benevolent deity.
Man, how long is this joke going to go on for?
Makes sense to show those scenes, right?
So, it turns out that Comet and Twilight were reading about how night and day occur and how the princess of the night became Nightmare Moon. When Twilight and Comet realized that Nightmare Moon would come back that year and soon, they decide to take their concerns to Celestia. Celestia responses by sending them to Ponyville to make some friends.
Okay… this seems really, really familiar… I just wish I knew why…
I’m sure it’s nothing…
So, they take the tour around Ponyville where they meet the main six. With Prince Comet Rider charming Rainbow Dash after saying he knows the Wonderbolts with Rainbow Dash instantly falling in love with him.
Wow. Who knew that charming Rainbow Dash would be so easy? No wonder she’s the most popular.
So, two hours later, the group gathers for the Summer Sun Celebration… Gee, my favorite fucking holiday… And who should interrupt the party, but Nightmare Moon.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait! A! Minute!
I’ve figured it out! I’ve finally figured out what’s going on!
Nightmare Moon is actually Comet’s mother and that Unown was Comet’s father!
So…
Why would Nightmare Moon be psychotic?! She changed her ways clearly when she met Unown! There is no reason for her to go through this evil routine of hers since she found respect from her sister and this stallion?!
And I know what you’re thinking ‘If Nightmare Moon didn’t come back, the main six wouldn’t have been friends.’ SO, WHAT?!
It makes no sense this way! The only way this could make sense is if something happened to Unown that Nightmare Moon blamed Celestia for! But no, that’s never show anywhere in this entire story! So, this scene makes absolutely no fucking sense!
Ugh! I hate this story!
We cut to Nightmare Moon’s point of view where she plans to unleash the evil seed within Comet Multi-Surface Spray Cleaner that will turn him evil… Gee, I can’t wait to be thoroughly disappointed.
The group finds a book that says that the Elements of Harmony are in the Everfree Forest and that the group needs to go there in order to retrieve them. After overcoming many obstacles… Oh, you wanted to see those obstacles for yourself?… Silly me. Of course, you do. Here you go. Don’t say I’m not a nice guy.
After finding the book, we would head to the Everfree forest. Overcoming many obstacles, we would arrive at the castle my mother and aunt once inhabited. The seven elements on a statue.
I’m sure you were as satisfied as I was. As satisfied as ripping out my intestines with a spoon!
They manage to gather the Elements of Harmony, but unfortunately Nightmare Moon is able to destroy them. However, Twilight comes to a realization. That the Elements of Harmony are not items, but ideals.
Twilight: “Applejack, who’s truthful words saved me from the avalanche represents the element of…Honesty. Fluttershy, who tamed a wild Manticore, using her kindness and her affiliation with animals, represents the element of…Kindness. Rarity, who’s willingness to give up her tail to help a sad sea serpent represents the element of…Generosity. Pinkie Pie, whose fun nature drived away the scary trees represents the element of….Laughter. Rainbow Dash, who’s unending loyalty to her friends represents the element of…Loyalty. Comet Rider, who’s sense of honour helped end the curse of a ghost knight represents the element of…Honour.”
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait! A! Minute!
I know what’s going on here! I know what this story is all about now! I finally discovered what this story is doing and why it is bothering me so much!
…It’s not showing us all these things happening! I don’t remember seeing any Manticores in this story! Or avalanches! Or sad sea serpents! Or Ghost Knight! Where the fuck was any of this?! Imagine if the first episode of My Little Pony did this kind of rushed as fuck pacing?!
I’m Twilight Sparkle. These are my friends! Buy our toys!
Actually, I think Hasbro would have been okay with that…
So, Twilight reveals the seventh Element of Harmony… Friendship, I guess… and they transform Nightmare Moon back into Luna. But not before Nightmare Moon gets one final message in…
Nightmare Moon: “You may have stopped me my son, but you haven’t changed your fate….ARMAGEDDON WILL RISE!!”
Again, I look forward to being thoroughly disappointed…
So after that… Oh so subtle scene, we get back to the present day where we find that the Elements of Harmony have disappeared.
Funny… That’s in my Elements of Harmony case…
So, it is revealed that Discord is the one who stole the Elements of Harmony and that he is challenging our heroes to meet him in Ponyville. No, not the Castle Labyrinth. Why would he take them there?
They get to the edge of Ponyville where our hero makes this comment.
“Wow and I thought Blueblood looked dumb, this guy takes the cake!”
The girls would laugh at this while Discord glares at me.
Well, at least he’s not a bland donkey with wings! Oh, that was ‘cold’ of me… Maybe you should try ‘lighting up’. Sorry, didn’t know how much of an ‘impact’ it would have on you. I was just ‘comet’ing on your lack of witty humor.
“Let me guess, we play hopscotch”
The girls laugh at this and discord growls a bit in anger
Don’t laugh on the hopscotch. After all, it is the most advanced tactical maneuver ever invented.
How does Lightning get pass such a dangerous obstacle course? … We may never know.
So after what I guess passes for wit in this story, Discord separates the team with Comet Cleaners and Laundry making this big spell about how Discord will never defeat him.
Discord tries to trick Comet into giving into dark impulses, but… I can’t do this scene justice… just read…
Pretty soon I had reached the centre and my mom was there with her back to me
Luna: “You have failed us Comet, Discord took over while you were here”
“N-no, it can’t be, it just can’t”
Luna: “You have failed me Comet”
I would seem to lower my head, sounding like I was sobbing
Luna: “Crying won’t change anything”
I would then lift up my head, laughing uncontrollably, falling onto the ground
Luna: “What? Why are you laughing!?”
“Hoo boy, do you really think that will work on me Discord?
Luna would growl and turn to me, being my mom but with Discord’s face
Yeah, because this clearly makes the hero way interesting to read about, doesn’t it?
This hero is never challenged. Never taken aback. Never even threatened. He’s just SO perfect and SO amazing that nothing can come close to threatening him! Why would anyone find this character interesting?! He’s boring as fuck! He’s not charming, he’s not funny, he’s not interesting to watch, he’s not a deep character! He’s the same as every other character like him! In an effort to be edgy and different, he’s exactly the same!
So, Discord wins because Rainbow Dash ditches the game. … Why does this seem so familiar?
So we start our next part of the story with Emerald Shine. Yeah, remember that fucking character and how much of an impact he had on the story! He’s upset because Comet Rider was an Element of Harmony and he wasn’t! Oh, yes! I certainly feel for this character, who has… said nothing… pretty much done nothing… And wasn’t even important enough to have any role prior to this whatsoever.
I really feel for … whatever the fuck his name was!
We then cut back to our heroes, again, what’s his face scene really adding a lot to this story, where Discord disappears and leaves our heroes in thought. Twilight and Comet Cleaning Powder think about Discord’s riddle. However, Comet is able to discover the meaning behind it. … Even though the riddle was this…
Discord: “Oh poor pathetic ponies, you are so foolish, your elements were already close at hoof, closer than you imagine Twilight Sparkle”
The answer… Twilight’s home?
How the fuck did you come to that conclusion? What part of that sentence told you that that was the only logical explanation?! Where the hell did this come from?!
But, of course, our great prince of toilets is right as they gather at Twilight’s house to discover the Elements of Harmony. But there is still one problem, their friends have still been corrupted by Discord’s magic.
Wait… I never mentioned that in my review… That scene happened? When? … It did? Really? You all knew? Oh… well… I feel silly then…
But Comet, oh blow me if you don’t know, has a plan to free all of Twilight’s friends. I would say they’re Comet’s friends, but… Let’s be honest, no pony would ever say that.
So, they use a memory spell on Twilight’s friends and manage to return everyone back to normal.
Meanwhile, Unown rides off to see his son Comet Rider. Why you might be asking?
Because… Because…
Let’s see…
“I’m here to check on things. You found the elements I see. Well…go save Equestria son”
No, that can’t be it… Give me a second…
“I just want you to know, I am so proud of you. You are a good colt and a hero”
Because… The god’s demanded it? I don’t fucking know… It’s just another chance for somepony to suck on Comet’s nozzle.
Which you should never do.
Comet - it makes your teeth turn green!;
Comet - it tastes like Gasoline!;
Comet - it makes you vomit;
So buy some Comet, and vomit, today!
So, our hero gathers the courage to face Discord. And Discord … for no reason, goes on a rampage and tries to kill Comet. But our hero is saved by his father at the last second.
He would throw me at a tree and then fire a sort of laser at me. Closing my eyes I heard the laser impact but….it didn’t hit me. Opening my eyes I would gasp as I see my father on the ground, blood pouring from the wound in his chest.
“DAD!!”
No! Not Unown! I built him up from level 5! This is why I don’t play Nuzlocke!
Though to be fair to the story, the father is going out like I always pictured him. With no build up and no mention of it ever again. Glad to see you had a point. But seriously a moment of silence for that completely pointed character…
Sorry, I was watching something nostalgic and deep. Was there something else I was supposed to be doing?
Oh, yeah… This…
So, after … I don’t know… I think someone died, but I think they have to be in the story first… Comet uses the Elements of Harmony to defeat Discord.
The group gathers their fallen hero and whatshisfuckits readies his plan for revenge against New Super Comet.
A few days pass after Unown’s death, which nopony seems to give a damn about, when suddenly Comet is attacked by a figure in a black cloak. Gee, I wonder who it could be? Could it be the only other pony that we’ve even hinted as a villain even though he has little to no motivation to be such a villain?
As he tried blasting me with a spell I would dodge and fire at him with a fire spell, watching as he ripped off the hood, revealing Emerald Shine.
Somepony pick up the phone because I fucking called it!
Emerald: “Always you, it has always been you Comet. Becoming the element of honour, being dads favourite. I am sick of it!”
Oh, yeah, you’ve really shown us your jealousy and hatred for your brother and father in the … what zero scenes this has ever been mentioned? … Which actually makes this the first time this has EVER been brought up… And by doing so this climax makes no fucking sense whatsoever since it has no build up to such a moment.
What was the fucking point of this character? We’ve already had two major villains in this story! Why the hell are we doing another one?! Is this supposed to be a series and these are different episodes?! If they are, these are very poorly handled episodes!
I would growl a bit, he had clearly gone insane. This isn’t the caring brother I remember.
Oh, yeah. Don’t you guys remember the line where the brother was a caring brother? I would, but I just don’t give a shit anymore. I’m just finishing this up as quickly as possible…
They fight for a bit, though I use the term ‘fight’ lightly, and whatshisface turns into a horrible monster.
Emerald: “I don’t wish to be called Emerald Shine any longer. Now….. I am Darkscar!”
Because that’s what a hero would name himself, isn’t it? Good to see that the best villain in the story was No One. Best character ever…
Darkscar attempts to wrap up his character as quickly as possible by explaining his motivation, but let’s face it, the story doesn’t care, why the fuck should I?
Darkscar threatens everyone Comet with Bleach ever cared about and Bleach gains the power of plot convenience and manages to defeat Darkscar.
However, thanks to him being... Just… just read…
His golden mane and tail seemed to darken and then dark blue armour appeared on him. As he pants, I see darkness emanating from him before looks at me with a look of pure hate and fury.
“C-Comet? What the hell happened to you?”
He would scoff and smirk as he stands up properly
???: “Oh Comet? Well he isn’t here…not anymore. I am not Comet”
I would gulp and look at him; I was actually scared by this point.
“Then who the hell are you?”
???: I am your worst nightmare come true, I am darkness incarnate, I am the true son of Nightmare Moon. I AM ARMAGEDDON…THE SPIRIT OF DARKNESS!!!”
… So, you have a demon inside you called Armageddon? And you are going to use it to destroy the world?
Computer, what’s the scouter say about his sue level? … Computer? … Computer?! Damnit, how am I supposed to quote a popular meme if I don’t have someone to scream the results?!
So, Armageddon loses all control and he decides to go on a rampage. This is the author’s attempt at making our hero ‘dark and tormented’ by putting a demon in him. Me? I say it’s lazy because it allows him to be LIKE THE PERFECT HERO, but still have a villain inside him. I say it’s lazy because rather than give our hero doubts and putting him in a situation where he would question himself, the story instead opts for the ‘he’s possessed so it’s not really his fault trip.’
We then cut to Rainbow Dash and how she is thinking about Comet.
Yeah, I should probably get to work on that mildew buildup…
Rainbow Dash discovers, via Cutie Mark Crusaders, that Comet has transformed into a monster and is wreaking havoc on the city of Ponyville. Rainbow Dash flies off to face him only to be attack by Comet. The others arrive wielding the Elements of Harmony, but without the seventh element, Comet will never return to the way he was.
Because he was so interesting before this, we just had to get him back…
So, they use the Elements of Harmony … and this somehow works even though the seventh element isn’t there, but this the point the story said, “Fuck it.”
And our story ends with Comet realizing that Armageddon is a part of him forever and that all the death and destruction was his fault. But that’s okay, because the main six love him because it wasn’t his fault really. He was possessed by a demon…
FUCK! THIS! SHIT!
Awful in every way imaginable!
The writing style is beyond lazy with no characterization, no sense of the world around us, lack of capturing any kind of emotion or thought with any situation they are in. It plays out more like a script for a play and a very bad play at that!
The dialogue is terrible with characters barely talking like they are actual characters and more like tools! The stuff that passes for wit in this story is cringe worthy at best. There is never any moment where the characters can just be characters! Comet says a lot, but it’s all plot related stuff and nothing about his actual character!
The characters are basically cardboard boxes with no personality or depth to them. The main six aren’t characterized at all and for all the ‘friendship’ talk they go through, Comet never interacts with any of the characters in this story unless it has to do with the plot. Comet is a boring, bland, personality lacking, uninteresting character, who is SO perfect; he’s barely worth making fun of. The only thing that would even be remotely interesting is the whole ‘demon-possession thing’ but that’s become so cliché, that’s it’s not even fun anymore since every Mary-sue and their dog is doing it!
Out of all the OC’s I’ve read about, Comet is probably the most boring. There are no quirks with him, nothing that gives him uniqueness. Nothing that makes him stand out from the piles of OC’s that I read about week in and week out. He’s more like a ‘paint by numbers’ Mary-Sue. Here are all the points you have to hit with your Mary-Sue and the story does the bare minimum of that, with nothing that sticks out!
The other characters aren’t much better. Unown was just there so the author could write a sex scene and Emerald and Star were pointless to the overall story, since they had little to nothing to do with this story anyway!
The plot is confusing as fuck when it isn’t being a complete rip off of the show…
Oh! Now I see why this was bothering me!
Because there is literally NO ORIGINALITY! There is nothing original or new in this story! He took the first two episodes of Seasons 1 and 2 and threw this incredibly stupid character in them, in the hopes that, ‘See?! They have chemistry!’
A STORY DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY! If they are part of the series the whole time, SHOW US THAT THEY ARE PART OF THE SERIES THE WHOLE TIME!
Show us how he interacts with the other characters! The story says they do, but there is never any evidence of that! By not showing us it, you take away from us and the story you are trying to tell!
And in the end, what more did Comet add that the four episodes you plagiarized didn’t already do?! Was it insulting Discord with his dumbass wit?! Yeah, I showed you how wit works! Was it having a pointless demon shoved into his body with little to no explanation of how it got there or why it was so powerful?! Yeah, because we’ve never see that before in Nightmare Moon! That was totally original! Was it the sex scene that didn’t even make sense?!
And this story doesn’t even make sense in its own plot! Why the hell did Nightmare Moon turn evil after giving birth to THREE ALICORN CHILDREN?! Why did Celestia allow this stallion so much time to get close to Nightmare Moon so that he can have sex with her and impregnate her?! How did Celestia NOT NOTICE that her own sister is pregnant and do something about it like put the children into protection after they were born?! Or did the guards just assume those wails of pain Nightmare Moon made as she was giving birth was just her banging pots and pans together?!
And then there is the romance between Comet and Rainbow Dash. Oh, did I forget to mention that in my review? Funny… SO DID THE FUCKING STORY!
The story couldn’t even make good on its word about the romance shipping. Did the story just forget that part? Out of all the lazy romances that I’ve read, this one has got to be the laziest. God, Lightning and Starla had better chemistry! At least, they talked to each other for more than half a sentence! Rainbow Dash and Comet were barely even in the same room together, let alone carrying any kind of conversation!
Urgh! This story is making me want to hurt myself! You know, if I wasn’t already dead. But now that’s over with and I’m going to heaven where I belong.
Oh, I wouldn’t bet on heaven…
Oh, god!
No. I’m the other guy.
AHHHHHH!
***
*His eyes shoot wide open with a yelp. He takes in a deep sigh as he lays his head back down.* Oh… It was all a dream…
Glad to see you are awake, sir. Now, how would you like me to rearrange your organs today?
My what?! *He looks down to see the skin on his chest ripped wide open with Computer dangling overhead with several pieces of cutting equipment.*
AHHHHHHH!
***
*His eyes shoot wide open with a yelp. He takes in a deep sigh as he lays his head back down.* Okay… that was the dream…
*A loud banging came to the door. A moment later, several ponies in armor burst through the door, swarming around the Critique.* Mr. Copper Coin, by order of Princess Celestia, for your crimes of bad mouthing her and every single pony connected to the My Little Pony franchise, you are to be executed by Flesh-eating Breezies.
*The soldiers turnand part to reveal a swarm of Breezies, each carrying a fork and knife. Their teeth filed down into fangs. Foam forming at their mouth as they fly towards the Critique, digging their tools into his flesh*
AHHHHHHHH!
***
*His eyes shoot wide open with a yelp. He took a moment to glance around the room. Everything seemed to be in place. His glasses were still on the night stand. The morning sun rose over the mountains in the distance. His limbs were still attached to his body.* Okay… is this reality?
Sir, what are you talking about?
… What’s the last thing that happened, Computer?
You finished reading The Return to Darkness and hit your head repeatedly against a wall until you passed out.
Yeah, that seems like something I would do. *Gets out of bed* Well, at least, everything is back to normal. I just want to have a nice warm shower. *Pulls back the shower curtain.*
NOPE!
*The Critique punches himself in the face*
***
*His eyes shoot wide open with a yelp. The sounds of sirens wailing in his ears. He looks over to his right to see a pony in a blue uniform speaking to him.* Dozing off there, rookie?
*He looks down to see himself in a blue uniform, matching the other pony. His counterpart grabs a megaphone and sticks his head out of the side of the car.* Pull over, now!
*The Critique looks forward to see vehicle being piloted by a pony with a computer monitor for a head. The pony turns around and shouts.* You will never take me alive, Copper!
*The Critique narrows his brow and puts his hoof on his cheek.* Fuck it, I don’t care anymore.
***
Happy April First, Everypony! Next Week: The review of Final Draft by Post Script
I guess it's true what they say. There is no rest for the Review....
What? What do you mean it's no rest for the wicked?
But that.... OH that makes sense.
Oh God, JASON'S BACK!
See? I came to your funeral! I just had to drink my sorrows away... yeah... that's it...
Seriously though, that actually did make me a little sad. I thought it was clever.
Ah, so that's the Critique's name! However, I think I'll keep my alias.
Anyways, good review!
what the heck is Oblio?
That story was easily the most confusing thing I've seen.
So, you're dead. How's that working for you?
... apparently not all that well, the badfics are still coming.
In all seriousness, what is it with people trying to sound big and important by throwing "Darkness" or some other synonym? It's just too cliched at this point.
Not to mention that the author's name is Princecometrder.
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Ooh boy, where to begin:
1) OCs are all well and good (I've had to build a huge cast of them for Kyoshi Rising), but the way the author phrased it was like getting smacked over the head with a brick.
2) "I split the story into flashbacks by the characters." I do the same thing, but I trust my readers are intelligent enough that they know what's flashback and what isn't. Furthermore, such transitions should be shown within the story itself, so they flow better.
3) Pairing an OC with a popular character? Gee, haven't seen that one before...
Legend of Skye Dumbass
Voices (then again, I hesitate to call Mako popular...)
My Little Unicorn
To name a few...
The plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky.
"Princess of the day"? So is it like a rotational position?
As you said, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL US WHEN A POV IS BEING USED! You're just going to end up jumping around and never develop a solid POV for anyone, and then your story is going to suck.
This No one character intrigues me, and I wish to learn more.
... Wait, no I don't. THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T TELL WHEN PEOPLE'S POVS ARE CHANGING!!
Hannibal Lecter ain't go shit in this interrogation!
HAS BEEN PAST DOWN THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY LINE FOR GENERATIONS!!!
and some of his sparkles wore off?
Also, what's with all the asterisks? Is this supposed to symbolize that this is a flashback? A thought? That Major Armstrong decided to show that the art of Fanfiction Writing
WHAT DO THE ASTERISKS MEAN?!?!?!?!?
... wat.
... That's scarily accurate.
Before it was kidnapped by a bald teen with a badly burned face.
Well, I'm not dead, so I will give a shit.
YOU CAN'T JUST TELL US THIS WOULD SHOWING SOMETHING BEYOND A SEX SCENE! AND WHO THE HELL IS SPIRIT RISER?! IS HE THE UNKNOWN?! WHY HAVEN'T YOU TOLD US ANYTHING ABOUT THIS GODDAMN STORY?!?!?!?!
Holy tense shift Batman!
"So, that's two tablespoons ground hemlock and a pinch of arsenic, and if you lace it with a bit of cyanide it should kill you nice and quick."
"Thank you, sister. I had long looked for a way to get out of these damn shitfics."
Nightmare Moon proceeds to shoot Unown in the heart because he's a "Perv". He runs around bleeding all over the place before Vlodymort comes down and chases them away... wait, that's My Immortal.
First off, whose POV are we listening to here?
Second off,
E.L. JamesTara Gillespie can write a better sex scene than this.It could have a Disneyland attraction all to itself!
He also makes your teeth turn green and delivers presents on Christmas.
...
This guy's in college? And he can't even write a sex scene? And this:
Is the best he has to offer?
You've seen my writing, and I'm sure there are better writers out there who are college students. This guy isn't one of them.
Seems about right.
It's all cool, though
So, he can predict the future... can he tell when the bullet enters his skull, so I can skip ahead to that part?
Remember, this is all taking place in the future.
And I call them the Mane 6 all the time. At least it's not as annoying as Luna being in Royal Canterlot Mode 24/7
I said I was a Pisces, but I'm really a Taurus.
Lik dis if u cri evertim!
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How about FOUR Gods of Chaos?
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Like so many other badfics, sadly
BINGO! I got Bingo on Bad Pony Self Inserts!
As someone who likes using flashbacks... that's a bit much.
... He's plagiarizing the first episode, but with a shitty OC and Discord, right?
Play it:
Counter example: Roy Harper/Red Arrow has sex with Jade Nguyen/Cheshire, thus producing Lian Harper, the most adorable little girl in comics. Cheshire decides to celebrate this by nuking a sovereign country off the face of the earth, because Roy didn't learn that sticking it in crazy doesn't always remove the crazy.
I'd say something about chainsaws, but... yeah...
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FIGHT THE MAN!
But I thought it was honor...
Way to kill the effectiveness of one of MLP's best villains, author.
Those puns were really spacey.
Joy, the boring invincible hero. I'm going to come off as a bit smug and superior right now, but this is what I've put my heroes through:
Learned she was an alien, got the stuffing beaten out of her several times, and had her mom shot by a supervillain (Mare of Steel)
Got the stuffing beaten out of her by an evil god (twice), and had her worldviews turned on their heads (Princess of Themyscira)
Got tossed through time, little sister got possessed by the Chaos Gods and tore Equestria in two, and it's all her fault (God Empress of Ponykind)
Mother stabbed by bandits, had to leave home instead of looking after her family, and blames herself for not trying hard enough to prevent the mother stabbing (Kyoshi Rising)
It's okay to make your characters suffer. It give them a chance to build themselves back up, to have them develop into something more than what your originally present them as. It's called building a character. This guy is just the author jerking off to his own self importance, trying to show off how awesome he is instead of putting in the effort to make it so.
He claims to be a college student; I would think he would have read some descent literature and seen what goes in to making a good character. But maybe he's just that one guy who goes to college for babes and booze, and is flunking basic English courses.
My table is more interesting.
IT'S REAL! IT'S NOT JUST SOME SONG SOMEONE MADE UP AND NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT!
Deus Ex Machina!
"You died only so I could have emotional shock value! Say hi to Lian Harper for me!"
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It's over 9000!!!!
...
...
Wow... I mean, just... wow. I would say that there is a bit of logic in that, in that he probably wasn't in control of his actions when he was possessed by the demon, but then my knowledge of Warhammer 40k and God Empress has tainted me.
Lesson time:
10,000 years before the main era of 40K, the Emperor's favorite son Horus received a vision of the Imperium of Man being destroyed. Dismayed, he was manipulated by his brother Logar (who had already fallen to Chaos) that the only way he could prevent the destruction would be to swear allegiance to the Chaos Gods and overthrow the Emperor. This action sparked the Horus Heresy, a galaxy wide civil war that saw billions of humans slain. Finally, Horus and the Emperor fought, and though Horus beat the Emperor savagely the Emperor mustered his psychic might and fatally wounded Horus. At that point, Chaos left Horus and he saw all that he had done, and he begged the Emperor to finish him off before the Dark Gods got a hold of him again. The Emperor obliged him and obliterated his soul.
That is what happens when characters in fiction get possessed by demons. They don't just accept that it's part of them and it's all hunky dory, they need to realize how bad a thing it is and take steps to nullify it so that it never hurts anyone again.
And that ending... well, that went somewhere.
Hopefully you return to life at some point
2932562 He's the main protagonist of The Point
And yeah, this story doesn't make a whole lot of sense, in fact I think the only story that we've seen reviewed here that comes close to this level of confusion (in my eye, at least) would probably be part of the Poncho Chronicles or Prince Martin Willis. But then this is the internet... there's always worse out there
2932562
Believe me, I read it, I don't even think I understood the point of it.
I'm making this my head canon for those two in all bad fics.
I just don't like it when they are called the Mane six. I think the joke is old really quick.
And you're prize... the everlasting scar that this fic has brought upon you!
Oooooooh
Oh, I did a lot research before I wrote this review.
2948454
Fair enough. I never call them that in my fics, just in casual conversation (it helps that the humans that do wind up in my HiE stories live in universes where My Little Pony doesn't exist)
Yay! I can add it to my collection of scars gathered from fanfics