Read It Now Reviews #28 – Bouts of Forgetful Artistic Destruction, A Couple of Tossers, The Laughter I Choose To Be, Lockheart: Visit, Bastion · 3:57am Mar 28th, 2015
A bunch of stories popped up in my feed the last couple days while I was reviewing older ones, so I figured I’d give them a quick look-see tonight.
The stories I read today:
Bouts of Forgetful Artistic Destruction by HoofBitingActionOverload
A Couple of Tossers by Present Perfect
The Laughter I Choose To Be by Trick Question
Lockheart: Visit by TheLostNarrator
Bastion by Cloud Hop
Bouts of Forgetful Artistic Destruction
by HoofBitingActionOverload
SadIn a nearly empty library, a librarian tears pages out of books and tosses them out an open window.
Twilight studies in the same library, alone.
They exchange words and a dance.
Why I added it: It was one of my favorite stories in the Closing Time writeoff competition.
Review
This story was entered into the Closing Time writeoff under the title of Wing Lock, and was rather different there. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Gale is a librarian at the Canterlot Public Library. A pegasus, she’s stuck inside waiting to close up the library for the evening; there’s nothing to do, no one to help, and the only reason she is still there is that Twilight Sparkle is there, doing a late bit of research.
There’s something wrong with Gale. She can’t remember things quite right; she is ripping apart a book idly, but she can’t really remember why. She makes up stories about the cat-faced clock nearby, being an unloved thing bestowed on the library by someone who once loved it, but who is now long since forgotten, along with the story of the clock.
And she thinks about Twilight. There’s something wrong with her, too, Gale thinks. Twilight is isolated and has no friends. She is caught up in her own little world, her personal reality of books and study, and oblivious to everything outside of it. Twilight reminds Gale of her grandmother, a pegasus artist who also had something deeply wrong with her. She painted things, and then burned them because she forgot that she had painted them. And then, she withdrew completely.
It is a disease called Wing Lock – a disease of the mind, a terrible thing which cannot be stopped, only slowed down. Pegasi can get it, but Gale wonders if Twilight can, too. But there’s a festival outside, and maybe Gale can draw Twilight out of her shell by going with her…
The original version of this story was similar, but much more subdued. Gale was a much more sympathetic character in the original version of the story, where the fact that she herself was suffering from wing lock was much, much more subtle. There seemed to be a lot more hope for Gale there than there was in this version of the story, and that made Twilight’s failure to recognize that Gale was trying to be friendly all the more tragic.
A lot of people in the competition missed that Gale herself had wing lock, and the new version made it a lot more blatant, and also made the story feel much more like a lot of HoofBitingActionOverload’s other stories; the narrator was more erratic and more blatantly unreliable than she was in the original version. We get a much better idea that she is projecting onto Twilight, though it also seems that the version in the second story is much more aware of the fact that there IS something wrong with herself. The new version starts out with a lot more in-your-face activity and a much stronger hook, while the original version was much slower at the start, only really picking up with Gale’s grandmother, who was a bit different in the original, and likewise seemed to be more of a source of regret for Gale.
All in all, I’m not really sure what to make of the changes. I preferred the original, more subtle version of the story, but HoofBiting decided to make it much more in-your-face and give it a much stronger hook at the start, and Horizon seemed to like the new version a lot more than I did.
Recommendation: Worth Reading.
A Couple of Tossers
by Present Perfect
Comedy, Random, Slice of LifeAfter noticing that Pinkie has a peculiar talent -- one she's only seen once before -- she decides to have a little fun while doing some research. Yes, it's time for the first Ponyville Pony Throw-Off, between Prince Shining Armor and Pinkie Pie! Who will win? It's anypony's game!
Why I added it: It was in the writeoff.
Review
Pinkie Pie and Shining Armor have a pony-tossing competition, naturally throwing Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Princess Cadence (just to make sure that their projectiles aren’t any different).
The story is exactly as silly as it sounds, but no sillier. This is one of those things which is too dumb to hate, but I can’t really say I enjoyed it – though it was better than the version which was entered in the write-off, I think.
Recommendation: Not Recommended unless you like dumb comedies.
The Laughter I Choose to Be
by Trick Question
Sad, Bait and SwitchAs everypony knows, Pinkie Pie can do impossible things. She can hover in midair without wings, play ten instruments at once, and even go days without breathing! Clearly some kind of magic is at work, but what could it be?
In this mini-story, Pinkie decides it's finally time to tell her friends the whole, unvarnished truth.
Why I added it: It was in The Best Medicine writeoff competition.
Review
As one of the curators of the “X becomes a changeling” group, AND as a member of the Writeoff Association, AND as the sort of person who enjoys bait and switch stories, one would really think I would like this story.
But I don’t.
I don’t hate it, mind you, and I liked the idea behind it. I thought it was okay in the writeoff competition, but the new version of it feels belabored – it went from being about 750 words long to being nearly 1900 words long, and the story ends up feeling kind of dull because a lot of the story is Pinkie Pie rambling about stuff. Either you’re going to figure out what is going on too early, or you’re going to end up kind of bored by the end – even at only 1800 words in length.
But the start just didn’t engage me; Pinkie Pie talking about her backstory is only so interesting, and the story doesn’t really do anything to spruce it up – we already know her backstory, after all, and while this is a bait and switch story, most of it ends up feeling repetitive as a result of that. The fact that we already “know” her backstory doesn’t really help make it better reading through it, and even though the reader isn’t “really” reading what they think they’re reading, it isn’t tremendously interesting to read.
A clever idea, but the idea is all there is.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Lockheart: Visit
by TheLostNarrator
Sad, Dark, Slice of LifeWhile in the Ponyville Psychiatric Ward, Lockheart receives a visit from a friend.
Why I added it: TheLostNarrator has done readings of my stories before, but I’d never read anything they’d written.
Review
A first-person story told from the perspective of a pony named Lockheart, this story is about her getting a visit from her friend Clear Glass in the wake of a suicide attempt. Lockheart apparently tried to slit her wrists – well, the equivalent thereof – and feels worthless, but also doesn’t want to burden anyone else with her problems or drive them away. Clear Glass shows up and does her best to be supportive, and the whole story shows the mingled concern and anger for someone who has been trying to prevent their friend from feeling worthless and who feels let down by their behavior.
This is essentially a piece of original fiction; while pony words are used, it doesn’t really make any use of the pony world, and it stars OCs, with only the ill-defined Nurse Redheart really connecting it to the MLP-verse. That isn’t really a bad thing, mind, but it is something worth noting.
All in all, I don’t think this really touched me. I’ve seen similar stories like this outside of ponies, and this didn’t really feel like it did anything new with the idea, nor was it impressively evocative. It wasn’t bad, but it just didn’t terribly interest me. I never really had much of a reason to care about the ponies involved, and consequently, the whole thing ended up flowing by me as it told me that I should be sad for her and I wasn’t.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Bastion
by Cloud Hop
Slice of LifeBeing Princess Celestia's personal guard is a gruelling, thankless job. However, when the Princess begins tutoring a small purple filly, Bastion finds himself on the receiving end of a much needed hug.
Why I added it: It was featured.
Review
Bastion is Celestia’s personal bodyguard whose sole job is to follow her around all day and keep alert for threats. He isn’t really supposed to protect her, mind; his job is just to give her enough warning if an assassination attempt comes for her to throw up a shield or otherwise react, as he believes she is far more than capable of defeating any threat. He has no life beyond that; he has wholly devoted himself to the singular task of guarding Princess Celestia.
A fairly flat character, he really only has two attributes: utter devotion to keeping Princess Celestia safe (because that’s his special talent, according to the story) and not really caring much for foals.
Naturally, this means that Twilight shows up and bothers him – though it is only when she shows up that this particular quirk is shown.
Clocking in south of 3,000 words, this story is meant to be a bit heartwarming, but frankly, I never really cared much about Bastion – he seemed to exist for the sole purpose of the story, rather than being a person that a story might happen to be about. He felt unnaturally two-dimensional, and the sacrifices he made for his post never really gave me any emotional connection to him. Likewise, that he disliked foals was a character trait which sort of existed in a vacuum – I never really got much of an impression of him as a person, and why he would dislike them so. So when at the end Twilight isn’t so bad after all… I don’t really feel anything.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Summary
Bouts of Forgetful Artistic Destruction by HoofBitingActionOverload
Worth Reading
A Couple of Tossers by Present Perfect
Not Recommended
The Laughter I Choose To Be by Trick Question
Not Recommended
Lockheart: Visit by TheLostNarrator
Not Recommended
Bastion by Cloud Hop
Not Recommended
I’m sure that The Ponytrician and KitsuneRisu are already adjusting their calculations as I type this.
Number of stories still listed as "Read It Later - Recommended": 278
Number of stories listed as “Read It Later”: 1547
2917838
When I revise them.
I haven't revised them yet. I need to get that done, but Mistletrapped is a higher priority at the moment.
2917883
Thank you! It is always nice to know folks want to see my stories go forward.
Ooh, an NR-plus? :O You're not as predictable as I expected! Clever girl
2918100
Incidentally, I'm kind of curious about your take on the revised version of HoofBitingActionOverload's Wing Lock/Bouts of Forgetful Artistic Destruction; Horizon seemed to like the new version a lot better, while I felt like I preferred the subtlety of the original version. Seeing as only writeoff folks would likely have read the original version, I'm curious about their take on it.
And yes, A Couple of Tossers is a dumb story, but it is the kind of dumb story where downvoting it would only encourage you.
2918103
I don't think I read the original, so I won't be much help on the comparison aspect. :B
And nah, this is the kind of dumb story that's just dumb. I mean, I just reread Check Yourself Before You Tirek Yourself, and that was way funnier. I just don't know what went wrong. But srsly, read that or Snowdrop and Nyx Get Drunk and Make Out, or DORP, those are way better, by some definition of the word.
2918149
Alright, I'll add em to the list.
Though I really have no place complaining, seeing as I wrote several pieces of faux Native American mythology just so I could make that dumb falling rocks joke.
And Lunch is based off of a dumb joke as well.
So I can't REALLY complain that much.
2918159
At least Falling Rocks was funny. :V
Note: I've changed my mind about this a little (I reply above).
The Laughter I Choose to Be is a strange case for me.
I agree that for select readers (you and I in particular) the added details may make it more of a plodding read, but I don't think this is true in the general case. Most TWA ponies who read the draft prefer this version to it, and it's clearly a crowd-pleaser. So what makes it different for us?
The reason I expanded the fic was it allowed me to do two things in particular:
0) Refocus the story on Pinkie's abilities, thus providing a distractor so the reader would not immediately guess the twist. Before the rewrite, it was obvious from line 0 exactly what was going to happen.
1) More cleverly line up details so they could be read in two ways (family providing love, autistic, etc.). I think I nailed this one with the rewrite.
I think the main contribution of the story is (1), and I'm fairly certain this is why ponies like it, since most of those commenting still remark that "this has been done to death already". It doesn't do much for me, though, because I know what's coming and the subject isn't novel enough to justify the extended length. So it plods and rambles for me too. I don't think it's enjoyable if the suspense isn't there, because that's the only thread to keep you interested in what Pinkie's saying.
So I don't really think I made the wrong decisions on the rewrite, but I agree it's not much fun going back to it. Even in general, it's kind of a bore the way it builds, but I don't think I can really do the double-speak justice in a much shorter space.
Also (and this is the main reason I decided to comment on the review) keep in mind that, and I'm trying to say this as non-egotically as possible, not everypony is as sharp as we are when it comes to picking up on tiny literary cues. It's easy to forget that in a writeoff because most of the participating authors are Smart Cookie's. This ended up being a big problem for Back to Normal, because half the readers couldn't follow the clues to figure out what happened. My mistake there was not laying out more information in the conclusion, because I thought it was obvious to all when it went over about half my readers' heads. Of course, neither I nor Axis of Rotation realized that might be a problem during prereading.
2920990
People still miss a lot of major things even if they're explicitly stated; a shocking number of people missed the reveal in Bad Horse's Trust, for instance, even though it is explicitly stated at the end of the story.
That has always saddened me.
2922530
Heh. The mod for one of the TG and LGBT groups prematurely removed my story from both because they saw the r63, read most of the story, and stopped a few paragraphs from the reveal at the very end. In short, I believe it.
2922530
Although: I've also seen ponies who are highly creative do this unintentionally. Like, they'll get the story in their head a certain way, and turn things 'round in the process because they have a particular way of envisioning it. I've known a couple of highly creative and very intelligent sorts who would read something and get a completely different impression than what was literally written.
2923969
Oh, I've done that too. Hell, I've done it in the writeoff more than once. Of course, a few times I also underestimated folks, which is bad; overestimating them is better, at least if it ends up with a better story.
Though it is part of the game of reading stories; if you come up with a better story by doing it, all the better. There are also many stories where this is the entire POINT of them, really.
That's the entire point of Kits' Who We Are, for instance; the story never tells you which of the mane six is secretly the changeling.
On the other hand, there was a very interesting story that Bad Horse once lead me to called Something to Look Forward To, about a man who ended up in Equestria, somehow made immortal by the transition, with a Bible which had done such a good job of hiding what it was about that, as far as I can tell, no one actually understood what the story was really about until I got there. They shot over the head of everyone.
2923977
Congratulations are in order. You have again committed a rarity by tricking me into reading a story. I would have prefaced this with the standard "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED" except that I see no hidden level to the story. It's a great tale, but I don't see how it could be misinterpreted, so this leads me to believe I have done just that.
If so, I can see why the meaning might be missed: the meaning I've already taken from the low road is excellent and touching. (Even though I don't particularly care for either scripture or humans. Er, rephrase—I do care for humans, of course, but our physical bodies tend to be rather trollish and grotesque. Extreme fetish appeal maybe, but not much beyond that.)
2924087
I'm apparently quite skilled at getting people to read random stories.
I need to twist that for my own nefarious ends at some point.
Or maybe I already have?
For the record, I didn't feel it was that confusing either, but such is often the way with me with such things, and the fact that it went past a lot of other folks suggests that it either was, or people were confused for other reasons.
From my post about it on Bad Horse's blog:
So if you did get that on your first reading, well done, you beat out a lot of other folks.
2924129
I love your idea, but I don't agree the story intended the message you pulled from it. I've responded on the thread to explain, in part, though I could go into more detail to support my point of view if needed be.
Of course I see nothing wrong with stealing the idea to write a story with that message...
2920990 (figured I'd tag you since it is your story)
I hopped on over here from The Laughter I Choose to Be.
I always find it fascinating how a single story can sway readers in such different directions. Having read your review I understand your reasoning and why you didn't like it. It makes sense, but interestingly enough none of that really applies to me, and this is likely due to me simply having different tastes and receiving pleasure in different ways.
For instance, the beginning engaged me as well as any story would need to, partly because Pinkie's voice is spot on (in my estimation), and the story promises to give the author's interpretation for why Pinkies is so, well, Pinkie. I very much wanted to see that. No, it was not as unique as I had expected it to be, but the changeling reveal was enough of a surprise and had enough emotion twisted into it for me that I was satisfied at the end.
Pinkie's recounting of her past I enjoyed as well. Yes, it is information we already know, but it's being relayed in a fashion that it hasn't been before, which is what Pinkie thinks and feels about her past--and this was very interesting for me. This is enhanced by the fact that I always enjoy reading Pinkie when she's well done. For you, you might require new information to reap pleasure while reading or to be engaged, or perhaps Pinkie's spin on it wasn't emphasized or different enough, and that's fine. As I said, the way in which a single story can please one reader while displeasing another is very interesting to me. I suppose one would quote the subjectivity of story here, but I don't like to sum it up so generally.
All of this is to say that for me it was a clever idea, and more.
Note: I've changed my mind about this a little (I reply above).
2928199
I wouldn't have posted it if I didn't like it. I was saying that I understand what TD doesn't like about it, and if I were reading it for the first time it might seem to ramble for me as well. I also might have preferred it to not spell things out as explicitly, because I enjoy figuring things out from more subtle cues; but it would be less accessible to readers that way.
In fairness, I do like it.
Since I wrote it, it seems to ramble, but I can read and appreciate it by catching what I threw, if that makes sense. I can smug over the clever double-speak I put in, whether or not it is a bit long-winded. But I think it does what I set out to do with it, which is why it was so popular despite being less than novel.
2928272
Actually I never meant to imply you weren't happy with it xD And yeah, I like stories which try to be subtle in their revelations too, but I think you made the right move. It's a hard balance to strike sometimes, wanting your readers to understand your work but not wanting to simply tell them everything up front.
Loved that 'sweetheart' double entendre, btw. Thanks for mentioning it, cause I totally missed that haha.
2928859
Yeah, it was super-duper subtle. I doubt anypony got it, actually. But that was the only one of that caliber, I think.
2928199 2928272 2920990
I actually changed my mind somewhat about this a long time ago, possibly only a week or two after I had originally agreed with you (that my story had some serious problems). Recently, I realized I never mentioned this on the review, so I decided to respond once more for completeness (in the rare event one of my readers looks through the history of comments on the story).
I still agree with the fact that the story seems to plod a little on a first read, but I don't think it's that much of a deficit anymore. On a first read, I think the story is short enough—and more importantly, secretive enough—that most readers will have their headspace in, "Where is this going?", territory rather than feeling bored by facts they already know. Plus, the presentation of those facts is persuasive enough that the story seems to be laying out an argument for the reader in pieces. That forensic approach plus the little bits of humor suggest to me that few readers are going to feel bored or tract-ed by the narrative.
Naturally, the primary benefit of the extended length is still the story's potential to be reread from a completely different perspective. I'm not sure how many viewers read through it a second time, but I suspect the lion's share have at least skimmed it again to see how the pieces make sense after the reveal, and that still adds a lot of punch for me.
So yeah, I can totally see where you're coming from, but I think the high rating this one has is probably an accurate reflection on how well the story resonates with readers, especially given that the twist is (and was, at the time) an ancient pony trope.