Submission to EQD of "My Roommate is a Vampire". · 10:48pm Jul 12th, 2012
Response:
Dear author,
Thank you for your submission. Please see the following list of commentary on your work ('>' denotes a quote from your work):
You switch between present and past tense seemingly without reason. That is a major issue and it alone would prevent us from posting this fic. Perhaps this issue is due to the lack of separation between narration and the thoughts that Ocavia is having during the scene; you definitely need to italicize explicit thoughts if you're using them.
>It’s not like we’ve tried to strangle each other.
But then on the next line you talk about them trying to strangle each other. It's a decent joke but the delivery could use some work. I know comedy is about creating expectations and then defying them, but that's better accomplished through subversion rather than direct contradiction.
>Oh how hard I tried to convince myself. But my mind had already been made up. And I had all the "evidence" I needed.
There's no reason for having these as separate sentences that start with conjunctions. You use sentences that start with conjunctions to decent effect at certain points, but you seem to overdo it overall, and it gets distracting at times.
>You're being the irrational one now-
The dashes used for interruption are em dashes, not hyphens. Alt+0151 gives you this character: —, which should be used instead of hyphens for this purpose.
>I yanked my hoof back, my hoof bleeding.
Watch for close word repetition. There are generally ways to rephrase things that avoid this issue.
>Man, I've never heard anything so dirty!
This will probably go right over the head of anyone not familiar with dubstep terminology.
Overall, there's way too much tell and not enough show; it makes the pacing feel like your fic is barrelling ahead at breakneck speed the whole time. There's almost no description, so it's hard to visualize any of the scenes (though admittedly they're gone almost as quickly as they come). All the dialogue comes in the form of talking heads, with only rare description of tone, actions, and expressions. Despite all the issues above, it is a rather entertaining fic, but it could be a lot better with a bit of polish. I suggest you get a review on Ponychan's /fic/ board. They may be able to help you flesh out your style. This is your first strike of three; revise wisely. We look forward to your resubmission.
-Prereader E
Meh. They're all valid points. I tried to go for a style, and I can tell that it's a hit or miss.
Except that one about the dashes. That's just nitpicking.
Who wants to storm the offices of EQD, and make them submit this story?
Okay, I'm bluffing, but I know many a great story that hasn't made it on to EQD, and I was friends with all of those writers.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Vinyl_Scratch.png
P.S: How do you submit to EQD it super confusing to me. I'm no good at computer junk, even when the instructions are given to you.
I submitted as well, still no word from them, but I suspect these things take time. I keep checking to see if there's any word, I'm way too obsessive ><
Are you going to try again?
223097
Perhaps. I'm still wondering if it's worth the effort.
As another pre-reader, who's both watching your fic, and enjoying it... they're valid points. Fix it up, as asked, and it'll be up in a flash.
223119
Seeing as a quick Google search has confirmed you as a pre-reader, I'll try my best.
That bit about the dashes is dumb as hell. Beyond that, though, they're fair points.
223180
If it helps, the em dashes trip even US up from time to time. Some of us, like myself, don't even use them, instead opting for other punctuation in its place for the same effect.
>.>
Considering that the em dash is not a key on a keyboard, I really don't think that's cause for complaint. If it was, that's another story.
Yeah, the em dash seems like a silly complaint given that it's not even available on many laptop keyboards (mine included). Then again, most word processors will automatically reformat for you if you put two regular dashes side-by-side at the end of a string of words.
Either way, I can honestly get behind most of what's been said. Most of it's pretty good advice; especially the bits about changing tenses and overusing sentences beginning with conjunctions. The latter is a problem that I tend to struggle with as well.
They've already told you that you have an entertaining story (and you do!). Just touch it up some, resubmit, and hope for the best. :)
223460
The hard part is finding those tense changes.
All their complaints are completely valid.
Well...wow. I swear, I've seen a lot of stories on EQD, and they were pretty good, but only a few were really entertaining. But to come here...well, it may be a bit rougher around the edges since the prereaders aren't quite as nitpicky, but it's definitely entertaining! I only went to EQD for the fics, but honestly? If even writers with skills such as I've seen are denied admittance there, I highly doubt I have even the slightest chance. And to be honest...well...to heck with EQD. I see some good stuff here. And I'm glad I have the chance to see it before it's shot down by Pre-readers. Your writing, Dennis, reminds me of stream of consciousness writing. To try a style that's new, and then be shot down for that very reason...it just seems a little unfair to me. Oh well.
This was one of the best reviews I've seen from an EqD prereader. They do make valid points.
The last comment is stupid, frankly. Jargon is perfectly acceptable when put in the frame of dialogue.
You damn right they be valid complaints boy. So git on it and fix 'em. Ah wanna see me an EqD post for this story pronto! T'aint hard to fix, so you best be fixin' it.
i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/003/878/1237917779613a.jpg
...
No seriously though, these complaints are small and I can easily see you getting it up on Equestria Daily in just a single revision. If you follow their directions, it's actually very easy. I got a story on there myself, and my first rejection was way worse than that. In fact, under the new rules I wouldn't have even been able to get it on there because it took me three rounds of revisions. Considering how much better looking this letter is, I'd say your story is a shoe-in if you just follow the pre-reader's advice.
The only part I had issue with while reading the story is, "Perhaps this issue is due to the lack of separation between narration and the thoughts that Ocavia is having during the scene; you definitely need to italicize explicit thoughts if you're using them. " I did find that a bit confusing. But other than that it was great. =3 I had no problem visualizing the scenes, especially the one where Vinyl sucked on Octy's cut. XD
They are fair points, sure, but I think the story is good enough that touching it up would be well worth it.
223609 I completely agree. I find the stuff on EQD to have excellent writing, but often times boring stories. I'd rather read an interesting story with rough writing any day. I think in the desire to squeeze out every little error and please the often times very picky pre-readers, a lot of the spirit of the stories get squeezed out until all that is left is something that sounds like every other story on the site.
Here's to trying again.
Everypony cross their hooves.
224969
Right there with you.
This will be interesting, hope they accept it. Your story deserves far more attention, it is just that insanely funny and twist-y (is that a word?).
Don't listen to them. EQD are stuck up and snobbish. Unless something is built to their exact robotic standard, it's not enough.
You're good and you don't need them to know that you're good.
230653
>Don't listen to them.
I Disagree.
>EQD are stuck up and snobbish
Agreed.
>Unless something is built to their exact robotic standard, it's not enough.
Semi-agreed.
>You're good and you don't need them to know that you're good.
Agreed.
I included the em dash thing because it's grammatically correct and a relatively easy fix; I gave you the altikey code for the character and the character itself for you to copy paste if you want to do it that way. I'm not even the most anal-retentive prereader when it comes to grammar.
231087 Thank you I suppose.
http://www.fimfiction.net/statistics
Ye Gods, your story is one of the top ten most favorited things on the site.
You're awesome.
232716
HOW? WHY? HOW?
I DUNNO LOL
232753
You, know, every time I've had a story get a lot of views or get featured or anything like that, I've always wondered the same thing...
But popularity is more or less a random thing, really, you just need to follow that maxim (that I've picked up from ponychan /fic/ and use everywhere): "Write for yourself to have fun yourself first. Then, edit, revise, and incorporate new stuff based on the audience that you care about."
You've done what you want, and it's just fun. That's great.
EQD creating such nonsensical high-standard makes me say bad words. I mean... Using different ALT codes? Dude, that's a purely visual thing! ITS A FREAKIN' HORIZONTAL DASH! And "Three strikes"? What are we, California? I think this story is:
i.imgur.com/Y9duz.png
It's a good fic, very enjoyable and a fun read. But the thing everyone who submits to EQD has to remember is that the pre-readers generally have no bias to the story (on the other hand, each one has at least one writing pet peeve that will shut a story down instantly) and that they're entire job is to criticize your work and tell you how to make it better. It is like watching Zero Punctuation, take everything they didn't mention as a compliment.
EQD likes to crap on anyone who dares to try out a new style. While i could point out some minor issues (and i mean very minor issues) On a whole, I enjoy reading the fic. AS someone stated before I haven't gotten a reply to one of my submissions yet either. The first item i sent them they didn't even critique it, they just pointed to the Ponychan.net archives and dismissed me like someone unworthy to be in their presence.
This fic is one of the most popular ones, who cares if its not on EQD? It's brilliant. Although I will agree with the flashbacks, I often have to do a double check to realize I just read a flashback. Just keep writing and enjoy yourself!
Actually, using a regular dash rather than an emdash is grammatically incorrect. So it is a valid point...
Yikes. A bit strict aren't they? Are they going for the Great Equestrian Novel?
When you're hobby requires ya nitpick the fun apart, I think you're taking it too far. (They have a three strikes policy? o.O)
At least there are those other places where your works can be appreciated.
This seems almost absurd. The point of EqD is to highlight stories that deserve to be highlighted, and if the amazingly positive reception you've received isn't proof of that, I don't know what is.
And before you point out that public approval does not equal quality, I would like to point out that EqD is there for the community's sake, not as a critical benchmark for later generations. They exist to gauge public approval.
I feel like somewhere along the lines, EqD lost its way. Yes, some of your word choices could be cleaned up slightly, but it's bordering on the degree of personal taste here, and clearly hasn't affected public opinion.
Furthermore, I've tried to get a story submitted to EqD myself. While that one was turned away for legitimate structural reasons, turning away your story seems...almost petty really.
But my primary complaint is that with such stringent requirements, bordering on rejection-via-whim. How are different stories without mainstream appeal going to get noticed? My second story is leagues ahead of my first one, but it hasn't received 1/10th the views, simply because it doesn't have an exploitable hook like "Oh! Look at this silly and no doubt raunchy pairing!" or "Who wants some wish fulfillment?" (I'm looking at you, My Little Dashie. Preferably with the Enola Gay binoculars. Warehouse 13 fans will know what I mean.)
236683 Sorry to double post as it were, but this is a specific reply to what you said.
The difference between EqD and Zero Punctuation is that if you get ripped a new one on Zero Punctuation, it's free publicity. Look at Darkvoid, a game praised for being so amazing its premature ending ruined it. To people who don't mind half of a brilliant game, that's several sales right there.
However, EqD doesn't have a reject bin for everyone to see. If they chew you out, it's in the dark, and it smothers what might otherwise be a story with massive appeal. Such as this one.
And hey, if they're getting so swamped that they have to wipe stories on a whim, maybe a "corner of shame" might help to stem the tide, and give them the room to allow stories within reasonable criteria, instead of culling them just to keep inflow down.
Honestly if I got a letter back with something complaining about dashes, I would react like this. PROCEED WITH TRANSCRIPTION.
*looks at note with the dashes.*
*Deep inhale*
Well you can't tell me what the fuck to do with dashes. I wan't my dashes the way I LIKE THEM.
I believe in you! This BELONGS on EQD!
And if I may I'd like to posit a possible reason for the picky-ness of EQD pre-readers in that, well, they get a lot of fics! And seeing as how a story is rarely good based on its concept alone, and the fact that a story's concept and plot may OR MAY NOT excite the reader, it only makes sense to me for them to start by correcting grammar.
Additionally, I would not be surprised if they must set aside said feelings and judge the fic based on execution alone. To put it another way, I can't call Stephen King's writing bad just because I think it is "too dark", but I can call it bad if he sucked at grammar and general execution, in spite of his excellent story. 
If my points are completely invalid please let me know, and I will do my best to improve the state of my deranged mind.
Your fic is a lot better than most of the crap that goes on EQD, in my opinion. To be honest, I think they're just butthurt at the awesomeness.
Just a question, I submited The Rake, and I still haven't gotten any work back. It's been about four days, and I'm starting to wonder what happened. How long did it take for you to get an answer?
307774
'bout a week.
307829 Alright cool. I was starting to worry, thanks!
223119>>223199>>223487>>223840
Some of these points would be appropriate in a rejection; some would be more appropriate in a critique.
In a critique, an author or editor offers suggestions on how to improve a story. A rejection is a thumbs-up or thumbs-down on the story as a whole, or conditional on major structural changes, not on a host of minor details or stylistic preferences. From what I know, professionals try to keep critiques and rejections separate. I think this is because the nature of critiques ensures that they will often be wrong, and it's better in the long run to let the author decide most line-edit issues rather than micro-manage them, if only because it helps keep the author from hating the editor.
It would be great if more EqD pre-readers would distinguish suggestions from requirements, try to make story-level observations and not just sentence-level ones, and classify every line edit other than outright incorrect grammar and punctuation as a suggestion. Pre-readers should not force stylistic or content preferences about particular sentences on a story, nor enforce the Writer's Digest school of style on all stories.
It would also be great if more authors would add their rejection letters to the EqD Rejection Letter thread.
307840
Some of us claim fics (like myself) then get so caught up in the work week that we don't have time to review until the weekend's arrived for us. Thus the delay. If you haven't gotten anything after a week, poke us. It may have slipped through the cracks.
314722
See... issue is? We're not professionals. We're all volunteers, to a pony. We're not getting paid for this. As a result, we do the best we can, but we just cannot be an editing service when it comes to pre-reading. We do try to separate the "this NEEDS fixing" as opposed to "this is something we can let slide" with most of us, but we do have a lot of fic to go through (when you get between 20 and 50 fics a day submitted, it can pile up fast) so we don't have time to really go in-depth, as much as some of us would like to. There are a few of us that do crazy-long reviews, but they're in the tiny minority.
Oh, and as for "stylistic or content preferences"? if the style changes enough that we're jerked out of the story, we're going to notice. If there's buckets of gore, or you try and sneak clop past us, we're going to notice and call you on it. We have submission guidelines. You would be amazed at how many submissions we get from people basically telling us "it's good, just ignore your own rules."
314910 If you re-read my next-to-last paragraph, you'll see I'm not asking for pre-readers to do more work or go more in-depth.
315099
Apologies. I'm so used to authors whining at us, or hating us, or sending us death threats (yes, it's happened) that I go a bit on auto-pilot when defending myself and the rest of the crew.