Loneliness · 9:32pm Mar 5th, 2015
I don't remember the exact day I became a brony, but I still remember the first episode I watched live after I had caught up on the previous ones. It was "Putting Your Hoof Down", original airdate March 3rd 2012. So it's safe to say I've been a brony for more than three years, and it's as good a time as any to reminisce.
When I joined the fandom, I was kind of a weird, antisocial loner. Now, three years later, I'm a weird, antisocial loner still, only that I have alienated myself so far from the few people I've come in contact with, that I would be surprised at any one of them ever talking to me again. Things and I have definitely not improved. If anything, they and I have gotten worse.
And I'm not deluding myself; I'm the problem, since I am the obvious common denominator in all of this. That doesn't mean I like it. And given how the brony community has more than its share of outsiders and knows how to welcome them properly, it stings particularly, since I seem to be so inexplicably strange that I'm the odd one out out of the odd ones out. It makes me wonder how that can be?
I have at least some idea as to why that is. I have never been much of an internet person. In real life, I've admittedly never been the life of the party exactly, but I get along fine and comfortably with the world around me. Just by being wherever I am, I occupy a little space of my own and can interact with people around me, participate in any conversation at any moment if I want to. On the internet, it's much different. Cyberspace is infinite and everyone in it is just a tiny point. If you want to have space, you have to create it actively through something you do. You have to actively post an opinion or a message to even start communications. If you don't interact you do not actually exist there. At the same time, it works the other way around. You can terminate communication instantly whenever you want to. Everything and everyone you can make disappear at the push of a button. It's something I may have made use of too often. I'm not too good at all this.
Blogposts are a good example. While some people amassed hundreds of them already, writing one every week or so, filled with whatever comes to their mind, I have thus far written seven, equivalent to one every five months. Whenever I did, I did so because I convinced myself to have a very good reason. They weren't necessarily good actually. Once or twice I did so just because I felt making blog posts was the normal thing to do, something I would need to teach myself. Other times it was just because I was feeling very strongly about something and felt I absolutely had to vent. This time it was for the complete and utter despair I'm feeling at my current situation.
At this point I want to apologize for any sympathy I may have fished. It is an unfortunate side-effect that seems unavoidable when one lays down his misery. But while I do appreciate consolation for my current situation, what I do want to ask for is advice. Maybe someone out there has some for me, maybe someone who knows someone who struggled with similar problem or has struggled with them him-/herself. If someone has some valuable wisdom to share, I would certainly be grateful.
I'm not much of a social person myself. I don't really like talking about my feelings or posting anything on the web because I'm deeply self-conscious. I'd like to try and change that, but I either don't have the commitment or time to do that. If you get out more and let yourself be known by more people, you won't have the problem you're facing now.
Maybe you could promote your stories in a group? Your stories are immensely enjoyable.
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With stories in general (or maybe it's just mine?) the interaction seems to be very low. Most of it is one-sided in me communicating to the reader through the story. Sometimes a reader leaves a comment on in and tells me his general opinion about the story, his likes and dislikes and there's where it usually ends. At one point I vowed to reply to every comment at least once, until I realized that forcing myself to do so didn't lead anywhere. It usually ended up being nonesensical or a somewhat empty phrase and I figured nobody wants to hear that. So I'm a bit doubtful if more exposure of my work leads to some two-way communication. Although there might be something I'm missing here.
Thanks for the reply and the compliment.
I feel the need to ask, have you ever visited MLP Forums? The community there is surprisingly welcoming and friendly. There are boards for nearly everything there. Naturally, there's a board set aside for show discussion, but there are also boards for general non-pony discussion, role-playing, fan clubs, art and fanfiction, and even an advice board.
I think MLP Forums could possibly be an answer to your dilemma.
As for blogposts, I haven't really bothered with them myself. Based on my personal observations, blogs don't usually get comments unless you have at least 500+ followers, so I've never really thought them worthy of my time.
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I haven't tried MLPForums yet. I haven't had the greatest experience in the group forums on fimfiction, but maybe things will be different. Can't hurt to try.
The blog thing by the way was supposed to be more of an example how I use the interne in a strange manner and that that may be the reason of my feeling of isolation.
Thanks for the reply.
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Oh, it's definitely better than the group forums on this site. Nearly all of the boards there are quite active, which is a lot more than can be said for most of the group forums here.
It's a really nice community, and I honestly can't imagine you feeling isolated there if you really make an effort to interact. What's more, any blogs or status updates (which are pretty much "mini-blogs") you post are instantly shown on the front page where users can see and comment on them, which can grant you an open avenue to make friends.
By the way, my username over there is Cleverclover. I mostly stick to the Show Discussion board, but occasionally I'll spend time in General Discussion. You can look me up if you want.