Critique Review: Reaper Files 1 · 5:01pm Feb 11th, 2015
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
And welcome to another day in the month of love.
And as per tradition of this month, I get to review another romance fan fic. Whoopty freaking do!
And I’ve got nothing as far as this intro is concerned and frankly why would we waste time talking about a something that I don’t give a shit about anyway. So, let’s just dig into The reaper file by Wolfefang
So, this story promises a plethora of OC’s. Now, as you are all aware, I have no issue with original characters in fan fiction or otherwise. My only issue with original characters is when they suck! Underdeveloped, overpowered, uninteresting, over glorified characters are what really piss me off! Now, this story might give us a group of characters that might actually break the mold and give us original characters that aren’t composed of complete shit!
And maybe I’ll be turned into an alicorn and actually be likable!
We start off our story with a journal entry from a guy named Wolfe.
Ow! I think I just cut myself on that name. God, damnit…
For 15 years I've lead the hunt for Ponyopilus' most notorious serial killer along with my partner Almond 'Al' Pie. We have finally got the lead we have been waiting for. It took almost two decades. At 1100 hours tonight we will end this hunt. End entry.
Okay, that first sentence felt stilted as fuck. Maybe it’s just me, but that sentence feels unnatural when said out loud? Like nopony in their right mind would ever talk like that?
Also, 1100 hours is military talk for 11 A.M. “1100 hours tonight”? Yeah, it sure is dark enough to be night, what with the fucking sun hanging overhead. Or maybe it’s like that old song…
1030 hours, in half in hour we bring down Reaper. It's ironic how similar today is to that night I arrived in Ponyiopilus and crossed paths with Reaper.
That is not ironic! How is it that so many people have no idea what irony is?!
So, Wolfe and Al start talking about how they’ve been trying to catch the Reaper for 15 years and how he always outplays them.
This would be rather interesting if this was actually shown to us rather than told to us. Yeah, the characters say that they were outwitted by the Reaper, but Wolfe or Al don’t really build on it at all. Of course, it is to be expected, the story clearly spent most of its time trying to give these characters some personality. … Failing, but still.
Al asks Wolfe for something important.
"If something happens to me tonight I want you to take that box in the back of my closet to my sister."
Well, you just signed your death wish. Shall the terrible OC do it or should we have the villain of this story kill you? … Wait. Who wrote I’m a terrible OC?!
"Don't look at me like that. You and I both know that Reaper is unpredictable. You almost lost an eye the first time you crossed him."
Subconsciously I trace my the scar crossing my right eye, a reminder of my close call with Reaper. A pale through my midnight black fur. "Yeah I know." I say dryly
Well, I’m glad that the character gives a shit about the story because I certainly don’t. You know how you can fix that story? Actually, give me explanations! Seriously, why show us the scar he has if you aren’t going to explain it?! Was it just something that looked cool, so you decided to give it to him?! If this story was a sharp object, it would be used as a murder weapon in a slasher movie because of how edgy it is!
So, they end up spotting the Reaper and decide to go after him. And for some reason, Wolfe decides to explain his plan, even though they should already know it and it explains they already know it. If it was in his head or his inner thoughts, that be one thing, but he’s speaking it out loud to his partner, who doesn’t need to know because he already knows the plan! Not to mention it’s unnecessary talking that could alert Reaper to your presence!
Maybe Reaper isn’t getting away because he’s smart! Maybe he’s getting away because you’re both idiots!
Reaper knows we're following him, just like we want. I can sense the panic rolling off him in waves.
How? … No seriously. How do you know? What is he doing? What is he saying? How is he walking? Or running? What’s his posture? How is it different from his natural stance?!
HOW DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS GUY?!
"It's over Reaper! Lay down your weapon and surrender." I say as Al lines up his shot.
So, they corner the Reaper and the Reaper draws out his scythe. Okay, shoot him!
Al doesn't notice it as he asks sarcasticly, "Can't blame me for trying, can you?"
Shoot him?
"Don't matter to me." I say flatly pushing my earlier thoughts to the back of my mind.
Shoot him?!
Reaper grins before he answers. “You’re right it does end tonight." He says as Al and I step closer.
SHOOT H-
Fuck it, one of you just die already!
Time seems to slow down as Reaper's scythe slices through Al's upper torso.
Thank you.
So, apparently, Wolfe is so upset about Al’s death that…
I feel it begin. The dark spirit within me rises. My eyes go from silver to yellow, my wings become dragonlike and my mane turns to flame.
I see the fear in Reaper's eyes as I rush him. Spinning on my left foot I knee him in the gut and follow through with a ki strike to the chest knocking Reaper into the wall.
I mean… is this a troll fic? … It… it has to be a troll fic!
I mean, there is no way in hell that the story could have possibly… POSSIBLY thought that this was a good idea! Are you fucking kidding me?!
Putting aside for a moment that they had the advantage of distance and GUNS, WHERE THE FUCK DID THE SUPER SAIYAN WOLFE COME FROM?! It literally comes the fuck out of nowhere?! It’s never built up, it’s never mentioned prior, it’s never mentioned again and it straight up just doesn’t make any god damn sense!
Where did this power come from? How did this power come to exist? When did he know he had this power? What is this power? Why does he have it? How long has he had it? Why the hell is he just using it now after his best friend died? Why the fuck didn’t he use this power to catch Reaper 15 years ago?! Obviously he has some level of control of this demonic power, since he can switch it off whenever he wants and remembers everything that happened when he transforms, so why the hell didn’t he use it to catch Reaper before more people died?! Did he just want to make his friend look like a martyr?
So, Wolfe, after I guess mourning the loss of his partner, unmasks the Reaper. It turns out the Reaper is actually a woman!
But we also learn that this is the Reaper’s daughter!
But we also learn that the real Reaper is dead!
Three plot twists! One sentence! Shyamalan would be so proud.
Anyway, it turns out that the daughter was trying to make her father proud because she didn’t have a cutie mark. Now, honestly with a bit of reworking, this aspect could have worked. If this story had been a lot longer, with a much tighter focus on the Reaper family history, I honestly think that might have been something interesting.
The struggles that this young girl had to go through with realizing who her father was, what he did and how she would handle actually sounds very impressive. I’m actually interested in this character.
But no, the focus is on the wrong characters, as all fan fictions like this are. The focus is on a boring, brooding character who is overly bland and is just a fantasy for how awesome the person this is based off of wishes they were!
So, the Reaper gives Wolfe a journal about her father’s exploits and that’s how she found out who he really was. Which I guess she just carries with her.
Wolfe feels bad, not exactly sure why, he doesn’t even know her. What is he going to develop a romance with her now? ... I just gave the story an idea, didn’t I?
The next day Wolfe quits the force taking all of his things. The whole city starts to feel sad over the loss of Al.
Well, I’m glad all the characters in the story are sad he’s missing. Me? He’s like Zombie number 48 from the Walking Dead, I don’t care if he was shot in the head! He was dead on arrival. … Zombie humor.
"Wolfe, it's custom that a fallen officer's badge and uniform are taken to their closest blood family. Normally that would be a spouse or child but Rose requested they be taken to his sister." She says passing me Al's badge and uniform.
Because, Ponyville.
No, I’m serious. The only reason they give that Rose will not take her husband’s uniform is because of Ponyville. Hey, we need something completely contrived to get our hero to Ponyville so he can bang the main six. IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT PART!
Wolfe arrives in Ponyville and starts to seek out Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. As he tours Ponyville, he sees Fluttershy…
Soon ater I begin my trek towards SugarCube Corner I spot Fluttershy, an old friend of my sister's, standing in front of a boutiqe. If I remember correctly, Fluttershy was extremly shy and scittish. This should be fun. I think to myself as I sneak up behind her,"How's it going Fluttershy?" I say poking her in the ribs causing her to 'eep' and jump in the air.
…
…
I mean… what the hell?! You come to Ponyville to deliver the bad news that your best friend, Pinkie Pie’s brother, died and you decide that your time is spent picking on others?! Aren’t you supposed to be, I don’t know, mourning your loss?!
For somepony you claim to be such a good friend, I don’t think you really know what that means! Yeah, it’s been three days since it happens, but let me tell you something about people who work together in situations like this! A partner is one of the most important people in your life!
This kind of partner is the one who is constantly looking out for you, making sure that you get home safely and vice versa! They become like your family! Someone who would lay his life on the line for you! Who would take a bullet for you!
This story never treats that relationship like that! He has one moment! One moment, where the story thinks he’s mourning, but he isn’t! Why? Because the story doesn’t care about Al. It doesn’t care about Al, Reaper, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, anyone! The only one it cares about is Wolfe. It only cares about Wolfe’s desires and Wolfe’s feelings and Wolfe’s wants and it doesn’t care about anything that would get in the way of that! Not depression, not hurt, not unhappiness, not growth!
Anything that would get in the way of our hero having his ‘fun’ is tossed aside. Because that’s what great characters are all about! Never getting invested in what is around them! Never feeling! Never changing! Never becoming better or different through changes in their lives! Never struggling to adapt when things do change and they become hurt!
This is the exact opposite of what a good character should be. This character has no personality, no emotion, and doesn’t give a shit about anything around him. This is supposed to be our hero? We are supposed to relate to this guy?! Fuck that shit!
With a sad smile I answer, "He died three days ago saving my life. We were on a case. His killer didn't live to see the next day."
With a sad smile?! How do you smile if you’re sad?! How?!
So, Rarity shows, glops Fluttershy and takes her away.
Good bye, my two favorite characters, I’ll miss whatever interesting things you two are up to. Sounds more important than anything this fucktard is doing.
Wolfe continues on his way looking for Pinkie Pie, no doubt making a few jokes along the way, because as we’ve established, this character just doesn’t give a shit.
So, he sits down at Sugar Cube Corner, figuring that Pinkie Pie will show up eventually when a waitress comes to take his order. … Is Sugar Cube Corner a diner in the show? I never really saw it that way.
He finally meets up with Pinkie Pie and tells her the bad news. Pinkie Pie reacts like this…
No. No, that is not a joke. That is not a joke.
That is literally how it goes. Wolfe tells Pinkie Pie about her brother’s death, she gets sad for half a second and then she decides to throw a party!
Okay, I may not be an expert on siblings… Oh, wait, yes I am. I HAVE ONE!
Look, I understand that sometimes you aren’t close to siblings! Sometimes you just aren’t, but let me put this into perspective for you! Al’s wife gave his things to Pinkie Pie because she felt that belonged with her! And you are telling me that Pinkie Pie is just going to throw a party without being given a chance to mourn?!
And yes, I know that Wolfe talks her down and comforts her, but half a paragraph later, she acts like nothing happens! This is her brother! You don’t just get over something like that! And if you do, it usual takes a long time, especially if you care about said person!
And another thing, this moment where Pinkie Pie is sad and therefore we are supposed to feel sad is stupid! Why?! Because we have no idea how strong the relationship is between Pinkie Pie and Al. It’s never explored! Obviously it must be close for the wife to want to give Pinkie Pie! Also, Al mentions that he wants the box to be delivered to Pinkie!
So, the relationship between these two characters is very close! Why the fuck would you not show it?! You want us to feel sorry for Pinkie when there is nothing that has built up that pity!
There is never any evidence of Pinkie and Al being close to one another or having a strong relationship?! So, this whole moment feels out of place!
Come to think of it, this whole story feels out of place!
Wolfe leaves Pinkie to “mourn” the loss of her brother and tries find Rainbow Dash, his sister. He runs into Big Mac who is a big suspicious about this guy looking for Rainbow Dash.
"Eeyup." He says as his stance changes. Becomes defensive. A change only a cop or somepony with military training would notice. "Why ya lookin' for her?"
Ah, yes a defensive stand that only someone with military training would know. You would never see an ordinary pony have that kind of insight. In fact, let’s show everypony at home, just in case there is any misconception.
Here’s a standard stance.
Here’s a defensive one.
Not noticing a difference? Well, let’s try again.
Standing still
Defensive stance
Still not seeing it? One more try.
Standing still
Defensive stance
Yeah, I don’t see it either.
Wolfe explains he’s not here to hurt anyone and that he wants to rekindle the relationship with his sister. Big Mac tells him where to find Rainbow Dash. She’s apparently at the barn with Applejack.
"Ya may wanna knock first. Can't say if they're decent or not.
Don’t worry, Big Mac. It’s fan fiction. That’s like finding a sesame seed on a hamburger bun, you don’t have to look very hard to find it and no matter how many times you’ve seen it, it’s still unimpressive.
"By the way, Pinkie Pie's brother passed a few days ago. I think you could give her the emotional support she needs."
Oh, by the way, I just murdered your little sister; she’s bleeding in the backyard. No big really. Also, I think Spike committed suicide because of the fan base. I’m sure it will work itself out. And Princess Celestia killed Luna by sending her into the sun. Nothing serious.
So, Wolfe (seriously that sounds like a terrible anime character) goes to the barn and finds Rainbow Dash and Applejack. As far as I know they aren’t fucking each other yet.
Rainbow Dash is pissed off at Wolfe and slaps him in the face. Yeah, Rainbow Dash doesn’t slap ponies! This is what Rainbow Dash does when you piss her off!
Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.
So, Rainbow Dash gets over being mad at him, for some reason and hugs the bastard. Wolfe explains how he retired from the force and wants to open up a jewelry store. My guess is so that women will come to him and he can flirt with the customers all he wants. Not a bad idea, I must say.
Wolfe then explains what happened to Pinkie’s brother. I think Rainbow Dash is saddened by this, but I can’t tell because she’s smiling sadly!
"She's having a party to remember him by tomorrow. She plans on having it here. I'm sure she'll tell you before it happens."
"Tch. Figures. Volenteers my farm wit out askin me." AJ says in mock annoyace.
… Well fuck you, Applejack! Yeah, I know it says mock, but that fucking bothers me! If this was like a last minute party for a friend or some stupid bullshit, yeah, I’d let it slide! It’s a fucking funeral party for her dead brother, who she just found out died! That’s a bit of bitch move! Even if it was a joke, it wasn’t very funny! I’m not against dark humor, you all know that, but it has to come from a character and a situation that makes sense! This doesn’t!
"How she take it?" Rainbow asks, concern lacing her voice.
"Not bad. Though I think she'll be just fine." I say with a devious smile. "I may have 'suggested' to Big Mac that he should go support her."
I don’t know why I’m using that clip. Those ponies are nowhere as talented as I am.
We at Spideremblembrony Inc. do not agree with the Critique’s opinions on FireBrand and Voice of Reason. We in fact enjoy most of their videos and we know you would too. Click on the links and support their work. Voice of Reason FireBrand
So the next night, Wolfe goes to Sweet Apple Acres where the Cutie Mark Crusaders ask him about his scar.
I tried to kill him with my chainsaw, but that bastard Ace Ray got in the way. … Ace Ray? … The Wonderbolt that hated Starfleet? … Appeared in the first episode? … The one I used the Goofy Gif on?
… Never mind.
Wolfe explains about how he first met the Reaper by saving … I don’t know… some girl we’ve never met and doesn’t really have that much to do with the plot. During the battle, he gets cut in the face and fails to use his Super Saiyan Demon powers. It would certainly shorten the length of the flashback and this story!
So our story ends with this same girl snuggling up to Wolfe after the party and telling him that it doesn’t matter that he’s the Avatar/Green Lantern, as long as he uses his powers for good.
SUCK
MY
COCK!
This story is dumb!
The saddest thing about this story is, it feels so fucking incomplete! Don’t get me wrong, it’s really bad! With poor execution, poor style, poor characters and a weak as all shit plot!
But there might have been actually something to this in the hands of a good writer. There are actually interesting ideas.
The point of view of the Reaper would have been pretty neat to see, the point of view of the daughter of the Reaper would have been cool and seeing this family struggle to deal with this horrible truth. Ultimately having a young girl deal with the emotional trauma of growing up with a father who has done some very horrible things, while at the same time questioning how he could do so, if all he ever treated her was with love and respect. She would endure glares from friends who found out who her father was, relatives of the victims would threaten her or attack her, and she would go through life wondering who to trust and who, if anyone, would ever accept her. But at the end, the girl would fall into the darkness that drew in her father so long ago, subtlety showing that psychological scars can run deep.
…
That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard! That’s just idiotic! What fucking moron came up with that?!
No, here’s the real winner! Let’s make it about a guy with a demon in his soul! Also, he’s got this girl that he rescued from the big bad villain! Grrr! And then he walks in on Rainbow Dash and Applejack about to have sex! Oh, and we’ll have some swearing because we got to get that damn edgy bullshit rating and make people think I’m being deep by cursing!
Yeah, that’s quality storytelling! Fuck your stupid character development shit!
What a fantastic story! What an amazing piece of work! Truly I am a genius among geniuses! And anypony who thinks otherwise is just stupid! Just stupid!
FUCK YOU ALL! FUCK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU TO HELL! THIS STORY IS THE GREATEST! THE BEST! THE PARAGON OF ALL…
… Thank you, Computer.
You are welcome, sir.
So, yeah. The story sucks. It’s unfocused, poorly written and just half the time makes no sense. It tries to be edgy and dark, but it just comes off as childish and silly. Half of the interesting characters are never developed and the only one that is, is just like all the other OC characters I’ve seen in the past, with nothing to distinguish them from the others. The plot is easily forgettable and it is ungodly rushed. It’s a horrible story and I would never like to experience again.
Have a great day guys.
"Reaper Files"? That doesn't sound like a ship-fic to me.
Let's prepare for the worst.
Amen to that.
And maybe I'll write the most popular Avatar fic of all time, but let's keep our goals realistic for now.
Although the one I have is one of the most popular ones about Avatar Kyoshi, for what it's worth.
Main character's named Wolfe... Author's name is WolfeFang...
Irony is not coincidence- Weird Al
Instead of Al talking about he and his brother have been trying to get their bodies back from a Jerkass Deity?... wait, wrong story.
My Pwan is Gweat!
$10 says it isn't over.
If they were in Jurassic Park, that raptor would have killed a lot more people in the intro.
He deserved it for not pulling the trigger. Again, some of the OCs I've had to deal with aren't nearly as incompetent.
And I suppose I should go get $10 so I can say I won something.
...
...
Since when did this become Guilty Gear?
Good fight scene time:
Or, since we're talking about martial arts:
Answer: The Author's ass
This next part should be said in the same way as the "Duhn Duhn Duhn!" sound:
I. Don't. Care!
So, they're just all Frank Miller?
Well, he could have just skilled the whole "Dead partner" thing and went straight to "Hi Mane 6; we should bang"
...
...
...
...
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/avatar/images/1/11/Aang_in_the_Avatar_State.png/revision/latest?cb=20140124170912
You did not just pick on Fluttershy... I will find you author... and I will
kill youthrow you a party because obviously you need to lighten up a bit.... Okay, maybe Pinkie's method might not work so great here.
Whereas all my heroes seem to have anger problems and blame themselves for things that they did not have control over.
The sarcasm is strong with this one...
It's been done before. Hell, I've used that phrase a few times, although maybe I'm just making it synonymous with something else.
Wait, when was it mentioned that Rainbow is this jackass' sibling?
Amen to that
One slap from Rainbow is like getting hit with a speeding train, so all the bones in Wolfe's head were reduced to jelly... wait, wrong story again.
Being hugged by Rainbow is the equivalent of having a container ship dropped on you, so all the bones in Wolfe's body were reduced to jelly... see above.
... Okay, points for originality, but this might run the risk of having Mykanized females, with no personality beyond "OMG im so purty!!!1!111"
Oh hai Jappelack, when did you get here?
I'll support you right into a firing squad, m'kay?
Ya wanna know how I got these scars?... My creator was... a drinker. And a fiend. Well one night... he goes off crazier than usual. The editor grabs a kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not. One. Bit. So, me watching... he takes the knife to the story.Laughing while he does it. Then, he turns to me and says. "Why so original, son?" he comes at me with the knife. "Why so ORIGINAL?!" He puts the blade to my eye... "Let's put some cliches on that face!" And...
...
Why so original?
Wait... it's over?
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5019lx7hY1qbvsbs.png
This thing just felt too short! Nothing was developed, there wasn't much in character interaction. It just feels half-baked and rushed.
I'd read that.
Irony: A reversal on a common theme. Yay me!
Pictures link is broken here.
...you will die soon.
Okay..... That thing with Pinkie Pie and her brother? Offended me on SO much of a level.... Just last year? I lost my cousin. He was in a car accident, and I won't go into details involving it, but point being he was the closest thing to a brother I ever had. We were practically raised together! He was my best friend and I am STILL not fully over it.
It's stories like this, hell ANYTHING, that says someone was close to someone and yet they show NOTHING and the person who lost the other person is fine! If they state they gave at least a DAMN about them then NO! They are NOT fine! If this was Pinkie Pie? Just going by how she acted with Maud? SHE WOULD BE DEVASTATED!!!!! HER MANE WOULDN'T INFLATE FOR AT LEAST A SOLID YEAR PROBABLY!!!!!! SO NO SHE SURE AS SHIT WOULDN'T BE THROWING A FUCKING PARTY!!!!!!!
Losing someone you love is hard, but losing someone THAT close is harder. I know from experience. So to the writer of this story?
I think that's police work 101. Someone draws a weapon on you, SHOOT THEM!
NO! WAIT! COME BACK! THIS STORY NEEDS A COMPETENT HERO!
Couldn't have said it better myself. Also, I'm sending you a PM so we can discuss our crossover.
Once again, short on time. However, another hilarious review!
2787887 What story are you referencing about Rainbow Dash?
2790615 You... and Iowa... are having a crossover? Are you sure the world can survive such comedic brilliance?!
2792014 Mare of Steel
And yes, we're having a crossover
2792124 Thanks! I severely hope that Dash doesn't act like Superman in the actual Man Of Steel movie!
Anyways, thanks for pointing it out.
2792610 It's a good read. I'd check it out.
2792610 Don't worry; I was 2/3 of the way done when Man of Steel came out, so it had a minimal impact on my work