Alternate Opening · 8:27am Feb 8th, 2015
I'm thinking of reworking the format of the first scene of LOTH to adding a bit of dialogue and make it a bit more intense; (and to subtly hint at the significance of Vireo's name.) thought the plot information remains the same.
Tell me if you think it's better than the version I have up now.
“…Tell me what happened Vera.”
Vireo Vista grimaced; compared to everything else that had just happened, having his name mispronounced was nothing; yet on top of everything else that had happened, it felt like everything. Wasn’t it enough that the old hag had failed to protect them, and was continuing to do so? All she needed to do was lift her head a few inches, look out her gilded balcony doors, and the big black column of smoke would have told her everything she needed to know.
Vireo had already wasted two hours, with three other pegasi, waiting outside the palace gates, arguing with guards who just assumed that since it was only the second day of summer holidays, they must be lying pranksters. Maybe his pure white coat hid camouflaged the black soot that marred it, or maybe they could smell the two mugs of cider on his breath, and thought that was enough for them to call him drunk.
When Celestia finally got around to raising the sun, so everyone could see that a smoke column had replaced Ponyville; you’d think that that would have been enough for her to launch a rescue mission, but no. Far be it from Equestria’s fearless leader to do anything as rash as do something useful, like saving the life of Vireo’s sister, without having all the facts; so she called an emergency council, listened to the other three pegasi say what happened, and then ask him to say it all again. Now, to add insult to insult, she just had to mispronounce his name to make him sound like he was a girl.
Vireo took a deep breath, “Last night, an army of buffalo attacked Ponyville. They posted guards at every exit and the rest of the army swarmed into the town, herded everyone they could catch into the town center and started dragging everyone away in nets. No, I don’t know why. No, I don’t know what tribe. No, there wasn’t any effort to talk things over before they attacked. Yes, there was a giant blue that some buffalo were carrying, that was shooting pegasi out of the air with magic. No, I didn’t get a close look at it or know what it is. Yes they killed people; yes they looted the town, but these things weren’t their priority.”
Vireo spat out his testimony without stopping to take a breath, and waited for Celestia to respond; but she just sat that, shriveling under her own apathy like she’d hoped the other three pegasi were wrong and he’d explain how it was all a big mistake. When it became clear she wasn’t going to say anything, the room splintered into separate conversations:
The earth pony diplomats agreed the buffalo must be after some ransom, since they had no need for slave labor and hadn’t discriminated in the age or health of the prisoners they took; and so began theorizing what they could possibly want so badly as to risk open war and almost certain annihilation.
The pegasi scoutmasters highlighted that reaching Ponyville would have required skirting the inside of the Everfree Forest and detailed knowledge of the local landscape; meaning the chances they’d thought Ponyville still housed the Elements of Harmony after all these years was negligible.
The unicorn magi were mostly on the balcony, using telescopes and magically enhanced eyesight to try to identify the giant blue cube that eight ornately dressed buffalo were carrying at the head of the escaping army as they bee-lined for their home territory without the slightest effort to hide themselves.
Vireo stayed put, seething in anger and ran a hoof through his mane and found it was still slick with his sister’s blood. They’d been together when the attack began and before they’d known what was happening, a net had been thrown over them. Vireo had managed to get away, but his sister was dragged to the ground and clubbed behind the ear and Vireo ran like a coward to save his own skin. He’d come here looking for help; he should have stayed and done something.
This was all Celestia’s fault. Twenty-five years ago the buffalo had attacked an outlying Equestrian settlement, and instead of retaliating Celestia had surrendered, offering to pay them food that the pony settlers needed in exchange for their promise of peace. One regiment of Royal Guards would have been a match for any of the buffalo tribes, and three regiments could have annexed their entire territory; but Celestia had surrendered, rewarding them for their invasion and motivating them to attack again the moment they wanted more.
To Celestia’s left was the horn-locked, holographic projection of her sociopath little sister Nightmare Moon; who, for reasons Vireo could not begin to comprehend, Celestia was allowing to attend this emergency meeting from luxury house arrest. With the rest of the room talking, Nightmare Moon leaned over and began whispering to Celestia; maybe trying to convince her to let her go on a buffalo hunting holiday as an early birthday present, so long as she promised not to kill the prisoners as well. Thankfully, not even Celestia was stupid enough to trust her again.
One hope stood in the room; to Celestia’s right, in gleaming sky-steel armor, stood Shining Armor, the high defender of Canterlot who had led the Royal Guard, including Vireo’s father, for almost twenty years with a nearly flawless record. The mistakes he had made were ancient and exculpatory; side effects from an unparalleled spree of amelioration magic which had enhanced his magical prowess beyond what had been believed possible, surpassing even Celestia; but that wasn’t what mattered.
Celestia was childless; drudge to some ancient alicorn chastity oath to spare herself the pain of repeatedly watching her loved ones die. Shining Armor had four children who, like Vireo, had all been in Ponyville last night for Youtherd. The fortnight long end of school celebrations for high school and university students who flocked by the hundreds to celebrate the summer holidays.
The doors lurched open again and a trio of uniformed pegasi ran in. They bowed quickly and reported that the bridge connecting the train line to Ponyville had been demolished, apparently by pony saboteurs, hampering any relief effort to the survivors and blocking rescue forces.
The danger and complexity of the situation mutated and multiplied. Celestia seemed to shrink backwards, ready to sulk, Shining Armor tensed, ready to act; and Vireo understood why his father sometimes joked that if Princess Cadance had given Shining Armor two alicorn foals, he should have deposed both Princesses and installed his children as Equestria’s new monarchs.
Shining Armor shared one long, intimate gaze with his wife who was standing beside him. From where Vireo was standing her face was barely visible, blocked by her husband, a lock of pink mane, her minotaur body guard - Iron Will, and her wing that was stretching forewords to clutch the Element of Kindness hanging around her neck; yet Vireo could still see her eyes shining with uncharacteristic courage.
The aura of silence around Shining Armor shattered, and he began barking orders. The flag ship of the Equestrian Airforce would be ready for pursuit in one hour, as would Shining Armor with his elite Sun Guards. Vireo’s sister was going to be saved.
After reading this version and the current posted one, I would think this one is better. Why?
Well, there was the minor I would say... Dialogue continuation in the beginning of the original where it already mentioned about how the Buffalo went and invaded the town, what they did and etc. but was explained again just a few paragraphs later albeit separated by who thought what and the reasons again which were summarized earlier which even with the explanation feels a little redundant.
Though I have to wonder why you decided to highlight Vireo's name this time around, would that be to further portray Celestia as an incompetent leader compounding on the other facts which are already mentioned?
2785176
What does the name Vireo Vista mean?
2787305 Hmm... the best I got for individually searching each of it would be 'Songbird Pleasant' though of course we would have to switch it around.
Also, Google Translate 'detected' that Vireo Vista was 'Afrikans'
I don't even...
2787640
I got a rather different meaning for Vista than 'pleasant'
(Using dictionary.com)
Switched the scenes.