Bradel Writes Reviews #7 · 12:02am Jan 20th, 2015
Reviews are back! This week's stories tended to be technically impressive but not all that creative. It's an interesting batch, by a stable of authors I haven't read much before. Details below the break.
This week:
"A Persimmon Spring" by Chuckfinley
"Drinking Alone, Except with Two" by AcreuBall
"The Life and Death of April Fool" by Prak
"Over a Cardboard Sea" by SPark
"Spike Fights The Angle Bunny" by apple short
"A Persimmon Spring" by Chuckfinley
[Sad] [Dark] [Alternate Universe]
I, Queen Chrysalis of the Changelings, was a paragon of my kind. I was the greatest military ruler my people have ever known. I was mere months from conquering the most prosperous nation in the world. Then a strange dragon rose from the stone, and everything changed.
I do not think of conquest any more. Now, I think of persimmons.
Technical
I'm always a little put off when the hook of a story contains structures I find difficult to parse, and there's one such structure here. It happens a couple other times throughout the story, as well. Which is a shame, because the writing here is generally excellent.
The prose is good, but what really stands out to me here is Chuckfinley's Chrysalis voice and the very natural way he delivers her thoughts. This story is heavy, and it would be easy for it to overplay the emotional core and become something mawkish. It would be easy to swing the other way as well, and use a style that keeps too much distance. Instead, this story manages to walk the difficult middle line by providing lots of detail while letting Chrysalis remain fairly distant, as feels appropriate for someone remembering events long past. I feel like I'm reading about a real character much more here than in most pony stories, and that had a big impact on the story's effectiveness.
4.5/5
Creative
"A Persimmon Spring" shows how much you can accomplish creatively with just 3000 words. Chuckfinley says this story is based on an alternate body of work that looks pretty large, but a quick survey makes me think that the worldbuilding choices here are almost all new, and those are some excellent choices.
More than that, he creates one particular OC with some shocking economy of detail, and got me so involved with her that I was crying in short order. And his development work with Chrysalis and Shining Armor, looking at how they'd deal with a new situation, is also excellent. But possibly my favorite part of this story is the scene selection. What Chuckfinley chooses to emphasize is powerful and compelling, and in many cases not what I'd reach for. For me, this is a creative tour-de-force.
5/5
Satisfaction
I've had a hard time figuring out where to mention certain bits of my reaction to this story—it's a nice, unified whole in a way most pony stories are not. It's fair to say upfront that I was tremendously satisfied with this story. But why?
There are a few reasons. One, "A Persimmon Spring" had me crying through most of the back half, which I wasn't expecting. This is a story that genuinely trades on loss and change, and what that does to characters we care about. There's not a whole lot here that I'd consider conventionally sad, but knowing the series gives the reader a shape for the missed potential underlying everything here, and missed potential is something that I always find powerful. Two, Chuckfinley is doing some interesting Chrysalis / Cadance juxtaposition and really drawing a focus on their two approaches to love. I think this is driving a fair amount of the scene choice I mentioned above, and it gives this story a stronger sense of theme than most I've read. Chuckfinely's Chrysalis seems to fit this world in much the same way that Cadance fits canon Equestria. Three, this story knows what it wants to do and sticks to the script. It's right there in the title, and the hook, and the early juxtaposition. This story doesn't distract me with irrelevant detail. Everything is geared toward the same goal, and it stays interesting throughout. This is what a 3000-word story should look like.
5/5
Overall
I already used the phrase tour-de-force, but it's worth using again. I don't get to use that phrase enough.
Recommended for: go read it already.
"Drinking Alone, Except with Two" by AcreuBall
[Romance]
Whatever the problem Rarity faced, there was always a Spike and a wine for it. She was confident he had gotten over his crush on her long ago, and he had since come to be a dear friend who she relied on for support and companionship.
And surely he feels the same way towards her.
Technical
The prose here is fine, but the story is quite exposition-heavy in the early going, to establish aged-up Spike's perspective. Worse, I still don't feel like it really justifies Spike's characterization here. He seems almost eager to put ponies down, and while canon Spike has often shown a penchant for sarcasm, I can't remember him being insulting with it towards anypony, much less Rarity. Characterization for Rarity feels more even keel here, but isn't good enough to make up for my problems with Spike.
Elsewhere, AcreuBall has some nice descriptive work, especially with lighting and physical details. His work here helps quite a bit with setting a solid tone for the story. This is going to be another one of those stories I call a mixed bag, with some elements executed well and others making it difficult for me to read this.
2.5/5
Creative
Although this story was inspired by a couple lines from bookplayer's "Best Young Flyer", I don't feel like AcreuBall deserves any less credit for it. That said, there's not a whole lot interesting happening here, as far as originality is concerned. It's a pretty standard Sparity getting-together story that's pretty well executed (modulo characterization), but I can't see a lot of interesting choices being made here. Maybe Rarity's wines-for-occasions cabinet, a nice extrapolation from her days of ice cream antidepressants.
I feel like I'm knocking this story unfairly on the creativity department, but for the life of me I'm not finding a whole lot of originality here. As I said, good execution (modulo characterization), but not much novelty.
1/5
Satisfaction
And this is the tough one. Anybody who knows much about me personally knows that this story stabs very close to home for me. Very, very close. I don't think I want to discuss that a whole lot in public here, though I'm generally pretty open about it. Suffice to say, though, that my own history leaves me primed for strong feelings about this story.
And unfortunately, those feelings are pretty negative. Maybe it's because I can identify with Spike's situation too well, and yet he acts in a way I find pretty alien throughout this story. To me, it feels like poor characterization—the snarkiness (a little reminiscent of PUA-ism), and the argument that his attraction to her was always more physical than not—but I worry I'm projecting onto the story. Still, it feels wrong to me. Canon Spike is obsessed with Rarity, but he's also demonstrated over and over that he genuinely cares about her and wants to make her happy. To me, that's not the hallmark of a primarily physical attraction. And, of course, that argument disagrees with where the story goes later, begging the question of why Spike is saying that.
Part of me would love to read this, get immersed, and engage in some honest-to-goodness escapism, but the execution falls flat. I just can't buy that this is what Spike has grown into.
2/5
Overall
Better than the scores I'm giving it, but I just can't bring myself to like this.
Recommended for: Sparity fans and people who believe in the friend zone.
"The Life and Death of April Fool" by Prak
[Comedy] [Slice of Life]
Under a rock in the Everfree Forest, there lived a pony. Once a year, she came out to play.
Technical
Prak uses a fairy tale structure to the story's opening, which is quite well done. I could make some niggling comments about paring down the prose here (I've been reading a lot of professionally published fiction lately), but this is honestly pretty good. It flows well, the bits doesn't overstay its welcome, and he achieves the tone he's trying for.
When the narrative kicks in, it's a bit heavy on description comedy, which would probably work better in a visual medium. There are also a few close word repetitions and a couple points where the structure left me confused for a second or two, but these are again pretty small issues. The fairy-tale structure actually turns out to be a style choice tied to April Fool, which is a clever way to play.
4/5
Creative
This is another short piece (just over 2000 words) that doesn't do a whole lot of creative work. An OC is introduced, though she feels so much like Pinkie Pie (an issue compounded by the fact that they're often on screen together) that she doesn't feel very well developed. There's not much development for any of the characters here, really, and while I loved the ending, it's really just a solid application of a standard fandom trope that I hadn't seen coming.
What creativity I can find here stems mostly from the idea of the holiday and the Everfree wackiness. Both are fun, but not huge pieces of the narrative. I enjoyed this story quite a bit, but creativity isn't one of its stand-out qualities.
1.5/5
Satisfaction
This is well written and unobjectionable, though not much of a comedy. There are attempts at humor, but only one or two hit home for me (possibly because of the aforementioned tendency toward visual comedy). "The Life and Death of April Fool" is more what I consider classic slice of life.
More than the questionable tagging, about 2/3 of the way through this story, I found myself wondering about the point of it all. Most of this story is just an event chronicle, albeit delivered well. Thankfully, Prak justifies it (and to some extent the title) with the final scene here, in a way I found both surprising and pleasing. I'm much more satisfied with this story after seeing that he's stuck the landing.
4/5
Overall
Fairly standard fanfiction fare, but well executed, well paced, and enjoyable.
Recommended for: silly story fans.
"Over a Cardboard Sea" by SPark
[Sad]
A tiny filly stands on an open plain. Somewhere in the distance a fleeting glimpse of white leads her on, her heart yearning towards it. A dark power wearing her face attempts to stop her. And as she dreams, and wakes, and seeks, she finds that nothing is quite what it seems...
Technical
I'm learning to regret my "nobody in pony fiction writes beautiful prose" comment. "Over a Cardboard Sea" passes itself off as a story, but it isn't. It's a poem. The prose is heavy on imagery, but so terse and active that it develops a natural rhythm. The dream framework and the cyclical nature of the piece both lend themselves to poetry comparisons as well. There isn't much in the way of character development here, and Luna's dialogue occasionally feels a little odd since it preserves some archaism that isn't present in her perspective, but if you're a fan of words, this is a fun read.
4/5
Creative
Thanks to the dream framing, there's more going on here than in many of the other stories I'm reviewing this week. Luna hops from scene to scene, with some shared elements occurring in each. The recombination and the flattened sense of detail make the images here increasingly infectious. And the variety of scenarios in which Luna finds herself help keep the reader engaged with the prose.
The ending, though, feels like a singularly uninspired choice—obviously guided by the contest this was written for. It takes what had been a really nice prose poem and turns it into a bit of a fandom cliche, which was disappointing.
1.5/5
Satisfaction
Most of my issues with "Over a Cardboard Sea" have to do with the lack of payoff in the ending. I feel like the story was promising me something deeper, a real journey into Luna's psyche, not just another trip to a well many authors have drawn from (myself included). It's still an enjoyable read, even with the ending, but I find that this story in particular suffers from a sense that it's not presenting anything new.
Contrast with Prak's "The Life and Death of April Fool", which also uses a keen sense of style and resolves on a cliche point. I guess the difference for me is that I felt like this had more potential, but the ending was so unsurprising that I don't feel like it ever really resolved. To be honest, I think I like this story better, but I also find it frustrating.
3.5/5
Overall
Worth it for the wordsmithing alone, but don't come looking for deeper meaning.
Recommended for: fans of prose poems.
"Spike Fights The Angle Bunny" by apple short
[Random]
Spike is touched to shame at the horror of angel bunny trying to steal his girlfriend rarity at their fashion house. he achieves the power of dragons to ultimate kill with deep quennching flame that exides in him. so it begins. My first action story and i created it last night after reading some of the comments on my story changing the color of apples. I did it because some of you all said angel is not the pet of rarity despite the fact that he can still be at rarity even if he isnt the pet of her to be totally.
What, you thought I was better than this?
Technical
It's terrible. That's half the fun.
The prose is also surprisingly detailed and active, which is most of why this is worth reviewing. If this were just straight-up bad, no one would care. It's better than that—it's entertainingly bad.
Here, let me give you a snippet, because I suspect a lot of you are going to totally disregard this review, and I want you to know what you're missing.
“Rarity i will give you my sexy diamond that i have saved through my intricate skill at finding stuff.” he possessed the shard with much love and handed it to her with pride that screamed viability.
“Spikey wikey you are so fing hot and i will bang you for this. Only you will wait. I must be complete for this pony order for the pony out there who requires it.” she flanked him and gave him un calculated plot explosion at which point he allowed her to remove it from him and keep it inside her.
1/5
Creative
How do I even...
Angel Bunny is a ninja, and he's going to fight Spike for the chance to do M-rated things to Rarity. It's too dumb to be cliche, and too awesome to be overlooked.
2/5
Satisfaction
Celestia says it best:
5/5
Overall
The author seems to have taken a lot of flak back in the day for not having a sense of humor or perspective about this story, and has apparently been offline for more than 80 weeks, so I don't feel bad sending people this way.
And you should totally go check this out.
Recommended for: anyone who liked "My Harshwhinnial".
that last story
what the fuck
Oh god. You reviewed apple short? Oh man. That man was a genius.
You should look at more of his stuff.
someone discovered apple short :D
It was "Recommended for: anyone who liked "My Harshwhinnial"." that got me to read "Spike Fights the Angel Bunny." I'm so glad I did.
Heh. I always find people's responses to Over a Cardboard Sea to be interesting.
At this point, given your various responses to my various stories, it's pretty obvious that we expect very different things from a "good" story. (Edited to add that I mean that in the nicest possible way.
There's room for all sorts here.)
I always wonder if I should change the title of that story. The existing one is a holdover from the first draft, which was intended as a black comedy. Unfortunately, that version sucked, so I scrapped it and wrote the current version. The title still felt kind of appropriate, so I kept it, but I've questioned the decision ever since.
If you saw the original version—and no one ever will, if I have any say in the matter—you'd probably reverse your scores for creativity and satisfaction.
media.giphy.com/media/FjeGBljESVAzu/giphy.gif
2734411
One of these days, they're gonna line up, I swear! And I think this is really only the second time, after "Walking Through Fire", both of which (if memory serves) have been near misses for me. Which are sometimes the worst, because I see so much I like there, and then just one or two things that make me really feel like it's got so much potential and it's not coming together how I want. Obviously the "how I want" is kind of the issue, because yes, different ideas of what makes for good.
It's probably as frustrating for me as it is for you (assuming it is frustrating for you), because I'm pretty much positive you have written or will write something I really fancy, but I just haven't found it yet.
2734784
Personally, I think the title works well, given the final scene. It gives you an unexpected interpretation, but that interpretation still feels valid.
I'm (of course) curious what the other version looked like now.
2734829
Yeah, I'll admit it. I cried
like a little girlthrough pretty much the whole back half of that story. I should go prune my favorites list sometime, so it's a better reflection of my real favorites, but "A Persimmon Spring" very much deserves to be there.Strikethrough because stupid gender stereotypes are stupid. I just cried a lot, is all.
>>Everybody else
apple short is amazing and everyone needs to know about him. I can't even tell if he's writing trollfics, or if he's just that magnificently bad. I stand in awe.
All of these have been on my read later list except for the apple short one which I just read and enjoyed.
> Spike Fights The Angle Bunny
> Recommended for: anyone who liked "My Harshwhinnial"
BArdel r u crezy.??!? Their are nO SPORTS expect 4 teh sports parts. Aslo nO PRINCESSCORNS expect 4 eNglish bunny. && most impotently nO hARSHWINNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SCore is equals -11 out of 10 which is liek a rEAL score but BAD so u has to multiplize by -1 && u get teh rail scour