The Awkward Post-Holiday Mumblings of an Unknown and Jaded Ponyfic Writer · 7:49pm Dec 26th, 2014
For those of you who aren't interested in reading tangential rants, personal belief philosophies, or personal griping and bitching, well, perhaps you should just skip this one blog in particular over, move on with your day, and enjoy those nice presents you got just yesterday. I don't really know why I wrote this, but I was mostly bored and feeling a little introspective, so... yeah. I just sat here for a while, reflecting on a number of things that have troubled me, a number of things I've found joy in, and ultimately, reflecting on my ultimate fate as a writer here on this earth. So, yeah, if you're not interested in lending an ear, then I'm not asking you to stay. In fact, a lot of this is pretty TL;DR, so you have been warned...
First off, speaking to my followers directly for a change... I don't think I can possibly thank you enough. Whether you are following me for a love of the stories I've produced and a hope to see more, or just because you're being polite and want to support my fledgling ego with a few extra numbers here and there, it doesn't matter; I thank each and every one of you. Hell, I never even expected to get over a hundred followers at all, really; and to think, most of those all showed up over the last year, when I was hardly even doing anything. Weird. I know that not all of you are always there, nor are all of you guaranteed to read this blog, even... but I just want you to know, I am happy to have every single one of you. I know that followers come and go, and perhaps there will even be a time when some of you might decide to no longer follow my exploits, but for what it is worth... I still appreciate the time you were there, at least.
It's a little funny, really. When I browse Fimfiction, which is quite often, I see so many other users out there, each with their own little dream to fulfill. Some that are just starting out with first stories, and all that. Oftentimes, their efforts are... middling, at best. It's quite clearly the work of amateurs. But do I blame them? No, I don't. Most of them are still fairly new to the scene. Not all of them write for the right reasons, and I can't say I admire the attitudes of a number of them... but that doesn't change the fact that we are all still just people, on the other ends of those usernames and avatars. People are people, and people can be rather unpredictable over the internet. When other, more experienced users arrive to help these new users by giving critical feedback, whether or not they are accepting of it is a bit of a roll of the dice. Surely, at least a few of you must know what that must be like, or have seen it on the site as well.
But that, of course, brings me to my first point of complaint: feedback. Or rather, the lack thereof, in my case.
I don't think you all are blind to what "criticism" means. That is, to take the story as it is, and analyze it for problems, highlighting it so that the writer can see and improve upon it. I don't mean things like spelling errors or grammar woes, no; those are technical errors, not true storytelling errors. I know that there is ultimately no real objective standard that is considered universally right, and that any perception of "what it good" can be quite subjective as a result... but still, criticism and perspective is important. I believe that I am still a novice writer at best, as I certainly lack the skill to write such epics as the fandom has written over the years. And unfortunately, I'm a little sad to say that... well, frankly, I'm stumbling in the dark, here.
People tell me that my stories are good. Almost everyone I've put a story in front of, they've say it was great. Hell, one of my stories was featured by Seattle's Angels-- a fic that I had written in a fever rush during Oneshotober 2013, with very little actual planning and forethought, was LAUDED by them as a cringe-comedy parody of shipping done very well. Another story, which I spent even LESS time and effort on, was accepted straight to the Twilight's Library folders by a (former) admin whose opinions I hold in high regard. And then there was a story I had written on a random prompt; a story that is now my highest-rated story to date. My first fic on the site, even; an Amnesia crossover that got a reading in the first few days of it being published, drew in a lot of audience and attention (at the time, at least), and even though my first and so far only attempt at submitting it to Equestria Daily (two years ago, by now) had failed, the prereader had still lauded it as the best Amnesia crossover he'd seen submitted yet-- hell, he even provided plenty of comments and suggestions for improvement, which I certainly took to heart. Ah, and what about most recently, in which a sequel fic I had written for a friend less than a week ago is now my second-highest rated story?
I... think it's quite apparent that my work is (almost) universally regarded as at least good or better. Day in and day out, I wonder aloud how people think it's so great. I wonder, "What the hell am I doing RIGHT?" all of the time. It's an aspect of my writing that I just... can't seem to comprehend, no matter how many times I try to think about it. I'm told my stories are good, great, or downright amazing. As much as I love hearing that people enjoy my stories, those kind of comments... don't exactly help very much, honestly. Yes, they tell me I'm doing SOMETHING right, but it's hardly ever made clear on what exactly that "something" is. What's even worse is that I rarely find anyone telling me things that didn't work in my stories. Yes, I know, if I really want critique, I should just go and hit up W.R.I.T.E. (Writer and Reviewer's Institute for Technical Excellence) sometime or whatever, but honestly? I'm too damn shy. I have a hard enough time putting my own stories into Rage Reviews for consideration, and I'm one of the damned admins there, for crying out loud. (Maybe people are afraid of raging at an admin's story? Anyone's guess. :P)
Some of my friends believe I deserve more attention than I get, because my work is just that great. Do I, really? Frankly, the notion of being known by so many people is... a bit frightening, to say the least. Like I said, I'm a bit of a recluse; if I can help it, I'd rather not put myself out there as much as I can help it. Yeah, laugh at me if you want, but it's true; I'm shy, and I have a hard enough time putting stuff out there. I never started writing stories because I wanted to be popular-- I just wanted to write stories. Blow off some steam, here and there. Be a little introspective and creative in my writing. Just... a little freedom to do what I want, y'know?
Of course, it's occurred to me that what I write isn't very widely-received. The people that do read it often seem to like it, if my overall upvotes weighed against downvotes are any indication. (I don't think I got anything more than 4 downvotes on a single story.) But, obviously, my work is not popular. Does that bother me? Well, normally, I'd say "no, of course it doesn't"... but, lately, I've been slightly troubled by the lack of feedback. Hell, one of my stories has no comments, period. Just a few upvotes, and a couple of downvotes. Even one story that had been stuck in development hell for several MONTHS just sat and floundered, with two comments essentially saying it was good. That story, however, I KNOW I messed up; aside from Caveat Lector, that unpublished fic whose excellent riffing I recall posting a long while back, it's one of the stories I truly do have second thoughts and regrets about writing. Only this time, I actually bothered posting it on the site. Whoopsie. (The problems I can name in a nutshell: wonky pacing, constant time skips, a fuckton of exposition/telling for a lot of off-screen events, incomplete structure, plot holes galore, among others. It was more a victim of half-assing and an inability to really tell the story to the best extent I could in the end.)
Now, not to slight any of my readers, since I do appreciate all of their input and support... but let's face it, everyone likes something different. No matter how bad something is, there will always be someone out there that likes a story, no matter how bad it is. Upvotes and comments saying "This is great! Make moar!"... those do not help, guys. They don't help me in the slightest. I don't WANT you telling me that it's great, I just want you to tell me what WORKS and what DOESN'T work. The same token "I luv dis!" comment is what seems to irritate me more and more these days, and goddammit, if you can't put the effort into actually making a more meaningful comment beyond that, then just leave your upvote or downvote and go! Seriously, for fuck's sake, is it really that hard to be a little more constructive in comments? Maybe I'm raising too many expectations from a userbase that seems an awful lot more concerned with reading (see: fapping to) clopfests or crackfics or dumb oneshot "cool concept; shit execution" fics and bumping them up into featured for a week straight, but come on, people...
...blegh. Apologies, the more I think about this, the more it flusters and bothers me. I know, I know, this is something I can easily solve by taking the initiative and putting my stories before a proper reviewer or reviewing group... but again, I must reiterate, I am shy as hell. I love it when I get good feedback, don't get me wrong, but... well, I guess I'm a bit lazy, as well. I'm not a perfect human being; I'm full of flaws. People say I'm a nice guy, and maybe I am for the most part, but I'm not without my flaws. Being lazy as hell, disorganized, prone to procrastination, lacking self-motivation or care in the world, negligent in my own personal life and even hygiene for god's sake... Oftentimes, I feel lost and without any drive in my existence. As if that wasn't bad enough, I'm twenty years old, living at my grandfather's house on a monthly welfare check, constantly looking for work in a town where jobless and homeless people are all-too-common (we have at least three different soup kitchens here, one of which I volunteered at AND frequented), relying on a shitty metered internet connection for even the most basic of online interactions with the friends and acquaintances I've made, clinically-depressed (and have considered suicide a few times in the past, though I'm thankfully well past considering such a horrible thing now), and... well, I've been having some more difficult matters regarding my own... identity as a person, though that's a bit more of a sensitive and personal issue that I won't lay on you guys right now.
My point is... I'm just a person that's fallen into a lot of rotten luck. And yes, it's pretty much my fault that it's like this. I was careless. I put my personal aspirations and ideals before the things most would consider critical in life. I've managed to pass high school at least, but I doubt I'll be entering college anytime soon. I probably won't have any real impact in the world beyond being a server in a restaurant somewhere, or working the lines at a call center, or whatever else shit like that. That's fine by me. Hell, I LIKE serving/helping people. The fact that I could possibly do my part to make at least one person feel happy or satisfied, make them feel welcome, be courteous... it's not a glamorous level of job, no, but it's one that I consider personally important on some level. If there's one good thing I guess I can say about myself... Selflessness, I suppose. I seem care about helping others more than I do about helping myself. Though, it does seem to conflict an awful lot with my laziness and shyness, so I don't often find myself offering help unless it's asked of me, since I can never bring myself to say no...
...Sorry. Didn't really mean to turn this into a spiel about my own personal life, but... well, I guess that's what happens when I start rambling long enough. Eheh. Anyway, uh... moving on...
Now, I know that sounds bad, but... hey, as bad as it's gotten, I can at least take solace in the fact that I've made some pretty great friends, thanks to the internet. And Fimfiction, of course, since this place is arguably where I'm spending most of my time these days. You all know who you are, I hope; friends of mine that I've made, some of whom are more than a year old by now, some a little less than a year. Even all the acquaintances I've known and spoken to, mostly over Skype, have all been great to know. I guess I just gotta say, I'm certainly pretty thankful for that, if nothing else. Honestly, were it not for these friends of mine... I don't even know where I'd be, now. Rotting in a ditch somewhere, maybe? (Hah, not really. Probably just sitting in front of the TV upstairs and lazing about more; not very exciting, I know.) All I know is that, well... given that the holidays celebrate love, peace on earth, and all that good cheer stuff, I figure it would be nice to reflect on all those good times. Heh, and what good times they were, too. There were some... not so great moments mixed in there as well, yes. Some of them were pretty hard on us. But we're still around, and doing well, so... hey, I guess you can't say we aren't capable of coping with life as it hits us, in most cases.
And of course, all of these interactions, all of these friendships, these moments and memories... Had I never decided to pursue my writing career on Fimfiction, they would have never happened. In a way, I suppose I owe my affinity for writing for the good times I've had, don't I?
Granted... such affinity hasn't always been consistent. To my followers, most of whom have been patiently waiting for content from me... you at least have my thanks for your patience. I'm surprised I haven't gotten more messages bugging me about updates. Heh. It does seem that I've finally starting chipping away that annoying writer's block I've had for the longest time, at least; I've written three stories in the last month, for example. That's pretty good, considering I've done next to fuck-all the rest of the year itself, despite the fact that I've made assurances as to updates and new stories being posted. (Protip: Don't believe me when I make a promise.) These new stories have certainly fared better than I expected them too, and like the stories I've put out the year before, I've been receiving almost universally-positive feedback on them. Even though it still doesn't satisfy my desire for proper criticism, I will at least say that the good reception is... uplifting, in a way. Perhaps I shouldn't be so anal about wanting critique all the time, and should just be happy with what I get. I dunno. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about that just yet.
Now, while I doubt some people who follow my older stories would care about this or have even bothered to read down this far, but... well, I suppose I at least owe you all a word on the status of those older stories. My Amnesia crossover, while currently on-hiatus for the moment, will be finished. That's right, I haven't given up on it just yet. I want to at least try to get a few more chapters out for it, along with doing some much-needed rewrites and edits of earlier chapters. While I want to try and write newer stories and oneshots, I won't neglect my original story on the site. However, my other two multi-chapter stories? Those will not be finished. At least, not in the near future. I simply don't have the drive to return to writing those anymore, and with retrospect applied, I've decided that they aren't worth salvaging. Apologies to those of you who hoped for those two to be updated, but I simply can't manage the time for them anymore. I will instead be writing newer and more original stories, of varying genres, all in efforts to branch out and test/apply my skills as best as I can. If nothing else, they will simply be more (albeit valuable) learning experiences.
I've also teased the possibility of sequels to some of my popular oneshots here and there, for a time. I've considered these long and hard, and ultimately, I have decided to write sequels to Machina, Love Countdown, and [untitled]. I've always intended on writing a sequel for Machina, so that won't be too difficult for me. Love Countdown is something I haven't seriously considered writing a sequel for until quite recently, and I've already drafted up a loose idea of what goes on in it. [untitled] was a tricky decision for me, considering the mixed response it got, but I decided to go through with writing something that hopefully manages to be interesting on its own merits, rather than be completely reliant on the prior story (this decision is only tentative of course, and it could change if I decide I can't afford the time to be put into it).
With all of that being said, I think it begs the question... What will my future plans be? I have honestly no idea. If there's one thing I am certain of, however, I do want to write more conventional novels. Be an actual author, you know? I'm perfectly aware it isn't easy, and it all comes down to luck as well as skill-- and with my luck, I should be happy if any manuscript I send to a publisher is even glanced at before being pitched in the dumpster. But there's no sense in not trying, at least. I do have a few ideas for some original fiction, one of which is something I've been thinking over for the longest time, and I do rather like what I have in mind thus far. (If any of you would like, I could even post some information on some of what I have thought-up thus far, and maybe get a little feedback on it.) It's a long shot, I know, but like any artist, sometimes we just gotta suffer a little trial and hardship for our work at times. No one said being a writer was easy, even though there seems to be an awful lot of misconception around places that it is...
(I was actually tempted to write a mini-rant on how good writers are far more important than people think they are, and how it can seriously hurt an otherwise-great movie, TV show, game, animation, or whatever, but I don't think I will. I've carried on long enough in this blog as it is. The only reason I even thought about it was because it popped up as a topic in a Skype chat I'm in; that is, about the shitty quality of writing in many of the fandom's notable animations. Double Rainboom, Snowdrop, Fall of the Crystal Empire, Project Thundercloud, among others... It sorta got me into a mini-rage moment. But I doubt people wanna hear me complain about that, so, yeah. ^^;)
Anyway... I'm tired. I think I've rambled on long enough. To anyone still reading, I feel I must commend you for sticking through with it. (Or bitch at those who did, in fact, TL;DR the whole thing, and are just pretending they know what I'm talking about.) That was just a lot of random stuff I wanted to get out in text form for whatever reason, so, there you go. Carry on your day as if you never read this, if you wish. I'll just go on ahead and get back to writing, heh. I believe I promised a certain story involving trains once upon a time, and rest assured, it won't be too much longer until that day comes now...
As you were, my friends and followers. I hope you all had a great and Merry Christmas, yesterday. Here's to another Fimfiction New Year of friendships, fanfics, and foalcon. Sieg der Gestein!
From the desk of die Kanzlerin,
~Maud
Even if you aren't getting any useful critiques of your work, the stories have entertained people, and that's how success is ultimately measured, in my book.
Constructive criticism can be hard to come by because most of the people who know enough to give it are other authors, and many of them aren't inclined to spend their time reading the work of others when they could write something of their own. If you want it, you need to seek it out. Even if you can't bring yourself to submit to review groups, at least ask the most knowledgeable authors you know to check out your work and tell you what could be improved.
Hell, I'll even pitch in on that effort, if you like. Just name a story, and I'll be sure to read it and provide feedback within the next few days.
Generally speaking, you have to have a story that's pretty eye catching. Something that's very good, very bad, or very wtf to get a lot of feedback. Well, that or have a ton of followers.
I think you meant is.
The main problem with feedback on why something is good is that most people don't know. A lot of people don't know why they liked a story. I'd say that's actually true more often than not. If you ask someone why they liked X story more than Y you'll get a blank stare and a shrug. Sometimes they'll throw out a generic, vague answer like the pacing or characterization, but they won't be able to give specific reasons for why they liked those things and what you did right with them.
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That is true, yes. People do seem to enjoy what I've written. Though, it still bums me out that they don't seem to get quite as much... recognition, I suppose. As I've mentioned before, I adore hearing feedback, and I enjoy helping people even more. Knowing that people enjoy my stories makes me happy in a way, since I know that it leaves a positive impression on them. I guess my main issue is that, well... I guess what I'd really like underneath it all is simply for people to read my stories and feel good about reading them. I'm writing to improve my own skills, yes... but to what end, is the inevitable question? I just want people to read and enjoy what I've written; not because I want to be the center of attention, god forbid, but because I just like making people feel happy and fulfilled, however small it might be and whatever form it might take. (Hell, I admin a review group, and I like being able to help others in reviews as well, though I sometimes wonder if I'm even fully qualified to provide "correct" feedback.) Maybe that's what it's all about, for me. And not knowing what I'm doing wrong or right in some cases just sets off my OCD and the next thing I know I'm a neurotic mess obsessing over it. I know I can't please everyone of course, but to whatever audience I'm writing to, I'd like to make sure I'm not making a mess of things.
It's unfortunate, but you are right, yes. Many readers aren't fully inclined on the finer details of writing, and all that. Which sucks a little bit for me, for reasons I've already stated... though I do have a few friends in RR and other Skype groups that I do conference with at times, and some of them are authors as well, and they seem to have little else but praise for me. (Not sure if it's because we're friends, if it's actually true, or both. I don't even know.) Not many of them seem to have any constructive advice for the most part, aside from some minor comments on form here and there. Though I was recently added to the /WIP/ Skype chat, so, perhaps that could be another help avenue I could use to get feedback...
If you're willing to do so, I would very much appreciate it. Granted, of all my stories, I'm honestly not too sure which one I would want done... I would say that perhaps one of my recent works would be best, since they are most indicative of my recent abilities, and they aren't terribly long either. (And since it's been at least a year since I've written anything else before then... yeah.) Those would be Looking Up, Rain, and Rocks Are (Not) Dumb, specifically... though, I think I would like to hear some thoughts on Rain in particular, if that's to your preference. Sorry if I can't be too specific on what I'd like done, but I've always been a rather indecisive human being. And I always feel weird about asking people for things, but, that's just a childhood habit of mine. But, hey, so long as you're offering...