#44: Reflection · 8:09am Dec 12th, 2014
In 11/11/2011- I was doing the daily grind, had my rent money on time, and me and my sister still got at each other's throats. My best friend was her ex, my brother's ex and two people from fimfiction.
In 2012- My best friend asks me to help her with a story called Dismay turned Discord. It was an AU with Discord as an ancient hero, and one of the last remnants of ancient equestrian magic. This story split us apart for a while, Reedling saw the story in as an old shakespearean play. Filled with twists and symbols and meaning to every action. Yet I saw the story as what happens when your past catches up to you, and all you are remembered by is what you have become. This thought followed me outside of her story and really resonated with me. I couldn't find comfort within my job anymore, it didn't make me happy it only mollified the fears I had of never moving on.
2013- Reedling become so depressed that her story was reaching little to no one. She had spend 2 years on it and it looked like no one was interested. I tried to prove her otherwise, that she wasn't finding her niche, wasn't reaching the right crowds... but she didn't want to hear it. Even unpublished the story for a short period of time. It bounced from cancelled to on hiatus over and over which only smothered any potential readers from staying... I lost contact with her after that. Work was getting slow and everyone was whispering that the shop was going to close. Everything I knew was crumbling... falling under me and I was stuck in slow motion as I the ground breaking.
Hope came from one month of work in my town's mall. The whole experience felt like I was shedding my skin. an Introvert like me, running up to strangers and wishing them a happy holidays. It felt so good, every breath had meaning. I promised myself I would never second guess my instincts after that.
04/01/2014- After a deep depression I rushed myself into filling out as many applications as I could. Hoping blindly that someone would hire me. I got hired at a Cumbies...and suffice to say they did not treat me very well. Odd hours, rude managers, repeated threats to fire me. I left there in tears more than I did at my first job. I started to second guess myself, second guess my life. This wasn't a daily grind... It was torture.
Never have I felt my worth be defiled then when I worked there. I felt like I was at my lowest,I was nothing but a slave to their demands, even my best was never enough. Everything I did was never right. The final straw is when the food service manager asked me if I knew how to wash dishes. All the malice I held in almost came out that day. If it wasn't for a couple of minutes later hearing her cry, I would've have poured my vengeance on her. But I saw how hard karma had bitten her, and it didn't make me happy to hear her cry... it only made me feel worse.
We are all human. All of us are in search for something to live for and when we lose hope, we lose everything. It's why Reedling left, and why I left my jobs.
12/12/2014- I never thought the pit of depression could get so big. But it's closing, slowly. This... this me thanking you all for following me. 60 and growing followers. Thank you for being my hope, my small distraction as I try to find an income, and my way into this world.
This is sad. Why do you get all the bad luck..?
2648715 I get the bad luck because that is what I seek out most of the time. If I start out at the lowest mentality then anything is an improvement. It's only recently that my pessimistic outlook has blurred, maybe even mutated into fickleness. That month at the mall felt like my magnum opus. The highest I could ever achieve in retail. The synergy with my coworkers was fantastic and the customers where so pepped with christmas spirit that they weren't rude to me. It was a positive experience through and through... Sadly it was seasonal and at a location the company only reopens in it 5-10 years for maximum profits.
But I can always feel blessed for all my teeth, a roof over my head and at least a meal a day :)
2649672 ... and you call yourself a pessimist.
You're beautiful, you give me new aspirations everything you say something.
Thank you.
2649719 Don't you remember :)?
I made a promise not to be who I was at my last job, and that was something who couldn't appreciate the good. It took the tears of that manager to really snap out of my rage and see that she was hurting just as much as I was.
Now after every interview I reflect on what I said, how I said my answers,how my interviewer responded to me and I adapt from it. I dont see it as a waste of my time after they tell me they'll call me back. They mostly like will not call me back, but now I'm investigating WHY exactly that is. I do know however that I am being too picky. I dont want to work in retail because I don't like the type of environment it is associated with. I don't want to work at a restaurant because busboys/waitresses get the shaft pretty much all the time. A fast paced environment is more or less a slow death sentence for me.