Critique Review: The Season's Upon Us · 5:41pm Dec 10th, 2014
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
As you all know, last week was an unexpected review. Not even I expected to review ‘Our Gifts’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to be out of the pile of shit that I normally review, but I can’t help but wonder…
Computer! What the hell is that?!
Deck the Halls by Mannheim Steamroller.
Well, turn it off! I’m busy with a review!
But, sir-
I said, shut it off!
… Yes sir…
Jesus… Now, where was I? … Oh, yes! Let’s start the review of The Season’s Upon Us by Flutterdash1
… Wait? The Season’s Upon Us? … Computer? This is on the schedule, right?
Of course it is. I checked it twice, sir.
Hmm… Okay, then. I don’t know what I was smoking to make that choice, but whatever.
Before we begin our story, I’d like to look at the description for it first.
Applejack drops preparations for her own family's Hearth's Warming Day celebration when she finds out that her marefriend, Rainbow Dash, is going to go visit her family for the first time in a few years.
Mostly because they were pretty pissed off that Rainbow Dash was the only character ever cosplayed at Brony Con.
Rainbow Dash is reluctant to introduce Applejack to her family, but the farmer won't take "no" for an answer.
However, she was willing to accept “Not by the hair on my chiny, chin-chin.”
Together, the two travel north to Vanhoover where Applejack gets to meet the ponies that raised the awesome and amazing Rainbow Dash.
Wow, way to subtly tell everypony your favorite character in the show. If this is how the narrator has to talk about Rainbow Dash, I can see why her family isn’t her biggest fan either.
Our story opens with Rainbow Dash, considering our last sentence, did you really expect anything less?
Winter was Rainbow Dash's favorite season of the year. The weather was more predictable,
As opposed to summer, where it constantly shifts between ‘hot’ and ‘hot as hell’.
The story also explains that Rainbow Dash enjoys it more because she can spend more time with Applejack. And yes, they are a couple in this story. Still waiting on how, but it’s probably not going to get that far.
Also, farm work doesn’t stop during the winter months. There are repairs to be done on the farm, paperwork, business planning, meetings with other farmers to exchange farming tactics. Though to be fair the story does say ‘less work’, but there’s still a lot of time devoted to the farm even during the winter months where food can’t grow.
Rainbow Dash heads off to Sweet Apple Acres where she meets up with the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Not wanting them to interrupt her date with Applejack, she sends them off to make igloos and flies off before they can catch her.
Ha, ha, ha! You’re a bitch. No wonder your family hates you.
Rainbow Dash arrives at the farm and is greeted by Big Mac who says that Applejack is planning a party for the family and is getting on Big Mac’s nerves.
Rainbow Dash goes in and tries to calm her down.
"Whatcha dooooooin?" She asked in a playful tone.
Now, all I’m doing is picturing this story as a musical… Which actually might make this a tad more entertaining.
However, Applejack, it turns out, is in a testy mood and exclaims that nopony else in the family is working as hard as she is. Geez, I knew that Applejack was a hard worker, but I didn’t think she was above anypony else like this!
Rainbow Dash tries to get her to relax, but Applejack isn’t hearing it.
"Granny's too old and Mac's too lazy," Applejack argued
Wow, I’m starting to see where Applejack and Rainbow Dash have a lot in common. They’re both rather bitchy. Also, starting to see why their family doesn’t like them.
Rainbow Dash, however, manages to push Applejack out the door to go ice-skating. Which makes absolutely no sense; because a few paragraphs ago, Rainbow Dash said that she would help Applejack with the chores she needed to BEFORE skating. I guess holding up promises that you make aren’t as important as forced romance. Of course it is.
Rainbow Dash and Applejack make their way to the frozen pond. While there, Rainbow Dash asks what has got Applejack so upset.
Yah just don’t get mah family,” Applejack said as she moved around Rainbow Dash, literally skating circles around her. “Ah may have gone a lil’ overboard at mah family reunion last year, but mah family’s really rowdy. Ah gotta keep everyone entertained ya know. Ain’t nothin’ worse than a bored Apple. They get crayzeh.”
Why, this one time, Granny Smith got bored at a family get together, so they kidnapped a bunch of kids and cut them into bite size pieces, baked them into pies, and sold them at a bake sale.
Uh… what?
Told you. My family gets crayzeh!
Entertain me, Rainbow Dash… I’m getting bored.
Rainbow Dash accidently lets out about her family and Applejack asks why she hasn’t heard of them. Rainbow Dash explains that she doesn’t talk about her family because they are living in Vanhoover. North of Equestria. In Caneighda. … Well, I’ve heard worst names.
Applejack starts laughing at her for being Caneighdian. Hey, don’t make fun of Caneighdians! Caneighdians are great people!
Changed my life.
Applejack manages to convince Rainbow Dash to bring her Caneighda. Rainbow Dash is hesitant at this, but Applejack reassures her it is okay.
The next … um… whenever passage of time, Rainbow Dash and Applejack arrive at the train station to head off to Caneighda. Twilight and the others arrive to wish them off. Apparently, they know that Applejack and Rainbow Dash are a couple and have just accepted it. I should probably do that do, but I can’t help but want to explanation for this.
Maybe Rainbow Dash is getting into the Love Poison again.
So, we go through the tour of Rainbow Dash’s family tree, and believe me it is not nearly as exciting as it might sound. This probably could have been moved to when Rainbow Dash and Applejack actually arrived at Rainbow Dash’s childhood home and having Applejack see all these characters and interacting with them.
So, it turns out that Rainbow Dash actually has eight siblings. Oh, I sure hope that they all get some great character development moments; otherwise, the story might be trying to cram too many characters into a single story. I realize that the focus is clearly on Rainbow Dash and Applejack, but I’ve got to say that’s a lot of characters for a 12000 word story. We’ve already mentioned both parents, grandparents, children, plus whoever they decide to bring. I realize that families can get this big, but let’s have a little bit of focus on each of the family members.
"Of everyone in my family, I'm the -most- successfull. I'm the Ponyville Weather Team Leader, don't forget." Applejack knew that. If it wasn't for Dash's job, Applejack wouldn't be able to get forewarnings of upcoming weather changes and, she suspected, get preferential weather treatment duringvital times of the harvest.
Well, of course. Because there is not a single pony in Equestria who can tell the clouds where to go and how to behave. Especially since the ENTIRE weather process is controlled by Pegasi. Oh, Rainbow Dash, if you had a dick, I’d think the story and you were masturbating to yourselves.
"Dad works at the Vanhoover Rainbow Factory
He wanted me to work at the one in Cloudsdale, but I turned them down. By the way, do you know how rainbows are made?
So, we find out that most Rainbow Dash’s family are unsuccessful idiots who haven’t done anything. Of course, they haven’t. Anything to make our little Dashie the best and most wonderful of all the ponies. Personally, I think it’d be rather interesting to have a pony in her family who was more successful and Rainbow Dash would feel ashamed that she hasn’t achieved her personal dream.
Like JOINING THE FUCKING WONDERBOLTS! I know that has nothing to do with the story, but lord, did that feel good to get that out!
Rainbow Dash warns Applejack that she might not like her family. Well, of course not. Clearly, Rainbow Dash is the only good one in the family. We have established that for the umpteenth time!
However, Applejack is willing to give her family the benefit of the doubt and makes a bet with Rainbow Dash. The loser will buy the other one dinner. So, this begs the question… If Rainbow Dash and Applejack are both considered tomboys by the fandom and they fall in love and decide to get married, which one of them gets to suffer wearing the dress?
MY TITLE! DO NOT STEAL!
They finally arrive at Rainbow Dash’s house in the clouds. And yes, the story does mention a spell Twilight had casted to allow Applejack to walk on clouds, but it was casted before the train ride and I seem to remember this line in the previous chapter…
So...uh..." Applejack said, "How long of a train ride are we lookin' at?"
"Six hours." Rainbow Dash said.
You know, I may not be an expert on magic since I am an earth pony, but I’m pretty sure that a six hour trip would give the spell time to wear off. Also, you’re counting on it lasting long enough for the entire duration of the stay. How long is Applejack staying? A week? A month? A year? Is the spell going to last forever? If that’s the case, why don’t all unicorns cast them on all the grounded ponies at birth?
So they get into the home and…
“Dashie! Go put some lights on the tree then go hang the wreaths!”
Why hello to you to, mom! How have you been?! How’s life been treating you?! Why didn’t you tell me grandpa died?! Glad to see that little brother is still the favorite in the household!
… I don’t know where that came from.
That’s seems pretty abrupt, doesn’t it? Rainbow Dash barely has time to enter the door before being bombarded by her family’s orders. Not even giving her so much as a welcome.
Rainbow’s mother greets Applejack and offers her a tour of the house. Applejack accepts when suddenly…
Suddenly, a figure sneaks up on Applejack…
After another second she could see that this was a colt though and his eyes were a shade of red rather than Derpy's amber.
It glared at Applejack that even a viper would be terrified by. And then.
she cried out in pain. Twip had opened his mouth and bit her leg.
Blood splattered from the wound and Applejack fell to the floor. When she looked up, she saw the rest of the family all wearing bibs and carrying forks and knives.
… Okay, that didn’t really happen, but seriously what is with the little Twip biting Applejack?! And the mother doesn’t think anything of it. Seriously, mom, that shit needs some help! Get him some help!
The tour group makes their way to the living room where we meet every cliché bad father known to Equestria. The drunken uninterested parent. Wow, I’ve never seen this before! Except for the Simpsons, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Jonah Hex, Captain America, Iron Man, Forrest Gump, Nightmare on Elm Street, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Shining, Supernatural, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Final Fantasy X.
Except Homer Simpson is actually likable, where this father’s dialogue consists of…
You know what? I’m actually going to interview him to get all his dialogue in the story.
Have you ever beaten your child?
"Hm." the stallion grunted
I see. Yes. What was your favorite weapon to use on your child?
"Mmhm." Sky Prism said, turning his attention back to the television and sipping at a dark amber drink.
Ah, a very good choice. My personal favorite.
And apparently, he has a pet bird. So he’s… Jontron?!
Sorry to interrupt, story, but I was under the impression that Jontron was funny! Or at the very least, energetic! This guy is about as entertaining as a bowl of sour milk!
So, we continue to go down the list of characters in Rainbow Dash’s family with really nothing to distinguish them. Also, I can’t help but think back to comments made about them being unsuccessful. They are actually pleasant in all of their scenes. Treating Applejack with respect. While it is nice to see a family that isn’t atrocious, I’m not exactly seeing why Rainbow Dash would not interact with them or want Applejack never to be here.
God, I’d even settle for some earth pony bigotry at this point…
More and more characters start to appear and Applejack gives my feelings to each of them.
Applejack looked towards the speaker and saw a stallion that looked a little like Rainbow Dash’s father but his mane was not striped with a whole spectrum of colors; it was just black. “Anotherone?”
And bear in mind, we are also getting into extended family such as spouses and children. So as you can imagine, that’s quite a huge cast. I’ve seen musicals with a smaller cast.
So, they then decide to sit down and watch Hoofball on the television. Because, that’s what this story needs! A distraction from the things that matter! LIKE THE CHARACTERS!
As Applejack watches Hoofball on a television, that I didn’t even know existed, Rainbow Dash starts to think about her family and her experiences with them. Of course, this part of the story doesn’t really hold that much weight, seeing how we never actually get to see the characters she is talking about. That’s right! For all the family we get to meet, there are still some characters that aren’t even mentioned yet. And even if we did, we never see what makes them so bad. We are told these things, but we are never actually shown them.
Wouldn’t it have been more interesting if these characters fit the role they were given better if they acted like it? Or at least, give us something that justifies Rainbow Dash’s thought process? I guess it could be the time of year thing, but asshole is still an asshole, despite the change in background.
… What’s with the looks, guys?
Rainbow Dash gets called away to hang a mistletoe. When Rainbow Dash complains, her mother has the audacity to ASK HER TO HANG THE MISTLETOE!
… Wait, what?
She hated coming home. She would probably do it more often if there was less demanding and complaining going on.
… … … SHE FUCKING ASKED YOU TO HANG UP MISTLETOE! YOU ACT LIKE SHE JUST ASKED YOU TO SOLVE WORLD HUNGER IN SEVEN SECONDS OR LESS! THIS IS A MAJOR PROBLEM WITH THIS STORY! THE REASON WHY RAINBOW DASH DOESN’T WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HER FAMILY IS BECAUSE ‘She has to do chores. She had to help out her parents! She has to do things to help her family! Wah! Wah! Wah!’
You know what Rainbow Dash? I don’t want you to be a part of my family anymore!
So, after that, Applejack rejoins Rainbow Dash and they both agree that it has been a long day and they decide to get some shut eye.
The next morning, Applejack is seen playing with the younger children of Rainbow’s family. You’ll notice that Rainbow Dash is also not playing with her nieces and nephews.
Kind of a big problem when Rainbow Dash is a part of her own damn family and yet, Applejack who is not even official family spends more time with Rainbow’s family.
Maybe the problem isn’t them, Rainbow Dash. Maybe the problem is you’re a bitch!
It turns out that Rainbow’s Grandmother was best friends to Granny Smith. Sure… whatever.
Then the little nephew does something nice for Applejack. Oh. That’s sweet…
Rainbow Dash leaned over the box and looked into it. There was a snowflake inside. A big snowflake made out of snow with a smiley face in the center. After a moment though, Dash could see that it wasn’t actually made out of snow. It was some gooey white stuff with brown flecks here and there. She leaned in a little lower and that was when the smell got to her.
“Ew!” she yelled, stepping back from the box, “Twip filled this up with bird crap!”
Little brat! Computer, get my belt!
And what does the world’s greatest grandmother have to say?
“Ehehehehehe!” Spring Breeze chuckled, “Boys will be boys, ehehehe.
… … … You know what? I’ve come to a revelation. Every single pony in Rainbow Dash’s family, including Rainbow Dash, IS FUCKING INSANE!
But give me 12 minutes and a crowbar and I’ll fix that!
So, Applejack chases the little brat and Granny Stupid talks to Rainbow Dash about getting married. Rainbow Dash says that she’ll get married when she feels like it, but Granny says that she should marry Applejack.
More family members arrive; I swear this story is like trudging through a pile of shit just to reach the end of the course. Most sane people would have climb out by now, but I think we’ve established that I’m not exactly sane.
Anyway, Rainbow Dash starts talking to them asking where she can find Applejack. The other members of the family state that she is playing with the younger ones. Because none of the adults can help spend time with their children, or nieces and nephews. Of course they can’t. They have to all look like assholes!
I think I know what this story is now! This is a story to make Applejack look good. And you know what? For once, it fucking succeeds. And you know why, because Applejack is actually pretty damn cool in this story. She acts like an older sister and daughter to most of the family actually spending time with them and getting to know them.
Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash is off being a bitch.
Rainbow Dash finds her and the two talk about their experiences with the family. Where Applejack recounts how bad Rainbow’s family is. Ha, bet you didn’t see that one coming, didn’t you? Want to know why? BECAUSE THERE WAS NEVER ANYTHING TO LEAD UP TO THIS!
Seriously, Applejack starts complaining about family members that she didn’t have any one-on-one time with! Yeah, there is one that we end up seeing, but we see it through Rainbow Dash’s eyes, not Applejack’s. She mentions a bad experience with the mother! When?! That’s never shown! We never saw that! Was it because she asked Rainbow Dash to hang up mistletoe and that’s why she’s pissed at Rainbow’s mother?!
That doesn’t even begin to make sense!
And then right there, Applejack asks Rainbow Dash to marry her.
I guess, Rainbow Dash gets the dress. Story written, then? Damn it! My one chance. MY ONE FUCKING CHANCE!
So, Rainbow Dash agrees to get married, they all go inside and have a Heart’s Warming Dinner and have a toast.
But then suddenly, Twilight’s spell wears off!
Oh, good. I’m awake now. Something FINALLY happened.
Applejack beings to fall and fortunately for her, there is an entire household of Pegasi to rescue her. They get Applejack back to the ground and decide to move the location of the dinner party. Wow, that was such an important part of the story. Without it, I might have fallen asleep before the end.
So, Rainbow Dash and Applejack talk saying that Applejack ‘loves’ her family, whatever the fuck that means, but doesn’t ‘like’ them. Yeah, I call bullshit on that, but I’ll come back to that in a minute.
And our story ends with Rainbow Dash winning the little bet they had going because she’s Rainbow Dash! Get over it!
This story isn’t as bad as others I’ve read… But it’s certainly not very good.
I think my biggest issue with this story is it is so fucking boring. There’s not much to the plot other than ‘Applejack and Rainbow Dash go to meet family!’
Granted, not every story has to be a “Battle for the Universe” or some bullcrap, but at least give me something that adds drama or something that keeps me on my toes. The family was hardly as bad as Rainbow Dash had made them out to be and that may work in a real life situation, but that doesn’t make for a compelling story.
If you want to play with our expectations, have some kind of payoff. If Rainbow Dash explains them as bad, but they turn out pretty damn decent, have a payoff, otherwise, it just looks like you cheated us.
This doesn’t really give a good reason why the family is all that bad. While there are moments that I question, with the little brat and the mother not even giving a pleasant ‘Hello’, they’re a pretty normal family. Okay, except for the one or two dicks who say that they are better than everypony else, but we don’t really get to spend enough time with them to have any effect on the story.
They’re gone as soon as they make their case, like they are just passing by so you can hate the family. And I don’t really think I hated them, mostly because, I don’t know anything about them! We are told a lot about them, but we aren’t actually given any evidence of who they are. And as such, most of them aren’t ever memorable. I don’t think I remember any personality trait from any of the family members, and I just read the fucking story!
The only character who was kind of funny was the father, but that’s only because he was so uninterested in this story, he wouldn’t even say a word.
And yes, ultimately this story is about Rainbow Dash and Applejack, but even they are underplayed in this story. Most of the time that could have been spent developing the relationship between the two is spent on introducing the family members. I wouldn’t mind so much, except that Applejack and Rainbow Dash barely interact with them.
The reason I call bullshit on Applejack not ‘liking’ the family is because most of the time we see her interacting with them is a brief moment of the hoofball game and watching over the little snots. We don’t really see her interacting with the mother or other characters. We see Rainbow Dash interacting with them, but we don’t care about Rainbow Dash’s interaction with them. We already know how Rainbow Dash feels about them. We want to see Applejack’s reaction to them. That’s the whole point of this story!
Overall, this story is a bore and was just a drag to go through. If the characters had been more interesting, it would have had a better chance. But as is, it is ultimately unsatisfying.
Have a good day, guys.
After the whole Caneighda thing, all I could think about was this:
Continue into never-ending cycle.
You filthy earth pony! It states in Sonic Rainboom that the cloud-walking spell lasts for three days. Bow down to the master race, and I may spare your life!
Please, I could do so in five!
Anyways, great review! But do you actually hate RD? You seem to blast her... a lot... like, ALL THE TIME.
Also, glad to see I'm not the only one who got the PNF reference.
2644721 She's not my favorite character, but I really don't like how most fan portray her in most of these stories. It only comes off that way because I find a lot of things that piss me off in these character moments. I do actually enjoy her character moments when she doesn't come off as a prick. I know I insult her a lot of the time, but I'd like to think when she actually has good character moments, I praise them. I don't hate her. I just hate how she's written, if that makes sense.
That... I did not remember. Thank you for that .
2644725 Happy to serve.
2644697 I'm not your friend, buddy!
I am not your buddy, guy.
I'm not your guy, friend!
I am not your friend, buddy.
Still in denial that it's that time of year again?
Shows how much she cares for her family, bitch
I know I'm probably just blowing this out of proportion, but the way it's worded makes AJ sound a bit... jerkish. Might just be me.
Does that include the tea leaves in her china teapot?
Obviously, this writer has never lived in Oregon.
I'm not the biggest fan of F/F or M/M pairings (for several reasons, one of the biggest being that it seems like I get bombarded with the same shipfic retold over and over again and that's turned me away from them), but at the very least some exploration of how they got together is in order.
Hey, at least she didn't send them to go catch a manticore.
...
That seems OOC for Big Mac.
And now AJ's an asshole. Why do people always become assholes around this time of year?
Hmm, reminds me of My Immortal, Voices, Healing, The Secret of Queen Annalese, Legend of Skye Dumbass, and Not a Serial Killer to name a few.
Also, ice skating (while fun) doesn't really seem like a kind of activity that Rainbow or Applejack would partake in. Probably just me again, but wouldn't Rainbow look into something a bit less... elegant as ice skating?
Me too.
So... she's like the pony version of Ty Lee, except with a personality closer to Toph?
There actually is a fic adressing that... it's a WAFF fic meant to show that "Rainbow Factory" wouldn't never happen.
As far as I can tell, she isn't Supermare in this continuity...
That'd be pretty neat. Someone needs to write that fic.
... *puts away crowbar and ski mask and goes home*
But Derpy has GOLD eyes...
Little kids do bite from time to time, but you're right; his parents should do something about it.
Could be worse; he could be a ponified version of Ozai. But yeah, that archetype has become a bit of a cliche nowadays. Can't we have attentive parents that don't die within the first few chapters of the story?
Just like The Secret of Queen Annalese, this story brings in too many characters and doesn't take enough time to develop them... joy.
Kill them all! Ha ha ha ha!!!... okay, I was in a dark place there
Could've fooled me.
Just like everypony in Ponyville.
...
What?
From what I could see, you were having a great time with them. You didn't get into any fights beyond Twip being a dick, no one harrassed you. Everything went smoothly.
Applejack, you're an asshole.
Please tell me it's a shotgun wedding. Someone needs to be put down.
...
Wow, I'm really in a dark place. Must be Finals.
Convenient.
In the end, the story was just mediocre. Had the potential to be great, but fell flat.
Good review, as always.
You know, I actually didn't look at it that way before. The way it is worded is pretty rude. Thanks for catching that.
Or Utah.
A MANTICORE SLAYING CUTIE MARK?! *shoots a gun off wildly*
This is going to be my Bat-Credit Card joke, isn't it? The only difference is Mare of Steel was good and Batman and Robin sucked.
I have no idea.
I think I need a link to that story.
Pretty please?
My thoughts exactly.
Good luck on your finals!
It's odd how unlikable the Mane SIx are written by fan writers.
Applejack and Rainbow Dash are always jerks,
Twilights obsessive and very unstable,
Rarity is like a flanderized version of Ms. Pigggy, if you can imagine that,
Fluttershy is...generally the same, which makes me wonder if its the show that is dropping the ball here,
And of course we all know what Pinkie Pie can be like.
2644966 Here's a link. Enjoy
2644994 I'm not sure its the show exactly. Or at least, not completely. I think there are moments where the main characters don't act like themselves, but those are usually far and few between. I believe it has something to do with how the main characters are perceived in general as opposed to how they actually are.
Most fans see Celestia as either a tyrant or a sex craved lunatic. Neither of which is a result of the show, but of people who thought it would be a funny joke or people who have their heads shoved up their butts too far.
So, it's likely this is more of a fan made problem rather than a creator one.
2645213 Can I just say I like the idea of Celestia having the nympho problem? The area I DIFFER with though is that I find the comedy of it being if they have her be a nympho and be unable to do anything about it due to her busy schedule. THAT'S a joke to me.
Also yes this IS Lunar Metal.... Just trying out a new user name. What do you think?
2651457 Maybe that's the joke to you, but that's something that, I admit, do not understand. I'll probably never understand it frankly. You could probably explain it to me with visual aids, but I'd probably be so dense that nothing gets through. Maybe it's a sign I'm getting old and this is how the world is now and I should just accept it.
How many aliases do you go by? Mister Lunar is probably the best one so far.
2652448 Honestly? I've NEVER seen that joke done that way... I guess I think it's a funny IDEA that's never been utilized properly.
Eh, this is the 4th one... Anyway thanks