This Is The Kind Of Crap I Imagine When my E-reader Runs Out of Battery In The Train · 11:40pm Nov 29th, 2014
Poof!
“Aragón.” A black figure appears right in front of me. Black as in clothes, not as in racism. “We need to talk.”
“Woah!” I almost spill the coffee I was drinking, and take a step back. “Holy fucknuggets, what the hell are you?!”
“I’m your – wait. Fucknuggets?”
“Eh, what can I say, I’m a romantic.” I arch an eyebrow as I shoot the figure a better look. It’s kind of exactly like me, but apparently way more emo. He looks like he buys stuff at Hot Topic. “So, uh, seriously: what the hell are you and how are you in my house?”
“I’m your dark side,” the figure says. “Your inner demon. I’m the voice that whispers to you at night, the blackness that makes you wonder how blood tastes.”
“Oh. So you’re, like, the part that desperately tries to look cool and edgy and appears like an idiot instead.”
“Pretty much.” The figure crosses his arms and locks eyes with me. “And we need to talk.”
“Oh God, no!” I press a hand against my chest. “Oh God, please don’t tell me you’re breaking up with me!”
Silence.
The figure blinks. “What.”
“Please don’t break up with me! I can change!”
“What the everloving fuck are you talking about.”
“I still love you, Edgy Aragón!” I grab my clone by the neck of his shirt and get my face as close to his as possible. “We can sort this out!”
“Argh!” The figure pushes me away and turns around, coughing. “Aaaargh! Christ on a bike, man! Don’t get that close to me!”
“Woah, hey.” I frown. “That’s not a nice react---wait. Bad breath?”
“Bad breath doesn’t even start to describe it!” he says, still coughing. “What the shit, dude?! What did you eat, a goat’s asshole?!”
“Uuuh.” I scratch the back of my neck. “Sorry. Y’see, I tried to give some spare change to a hobo I found in the street but I accidentally ended up giving him a blowjob instead.”
“WHAT?!”
“Look, I’m not good at random acts of kindness, okay?”
“YOU’RE FUCKING SICK!”
I make a pout. “Is that the reason you’re breaking up with me?”
“I’M NOT BREAKING UP WITH YOU, YOU EEJIT!”
“Oh.” I blink. “Oh. Okay, that’s pretty good. Amazingly good, actually.” I eye him a little harder. “Because, not gonna lie here – you’re pretty hot.”
“YOU FUCKING COCKWI---what.”
“I mean, I’d tap that.” I cock my head to the side and look at his butt. “I’d totally tap that. Say, are you free this Friday, by any chance?”
Silence.
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!”
“Look, we both know you know it.” I shrug. “Why fumble around when we can go straight to the point?”
“I DON’T WANT FUCKING ANYTHING WITH YOU!”
“What?” I frown. “Weren’t you, like, a part of me? That means you share my thoughts.” I look at his butt again. “And my buttcheeks. You also share my buttcheeks. I love my buttcheeks. Which means you also love them.” I raise my eyes to his face and wiggle my eyebrows. “Right?”
Silence.
The figure squints. “Shit,” he says.
Twenty minutes later, we walk out of the bedroom with ruffled hair and more sweaty than before. “Well,” I say, stretching my arms, “that was surprisingly disappointing!”
“I can’t believe I just did this,” the figure mutters, not looking at me.
“I mean, if this is how I am in bed, no wonders all my hookups leave the country after sleeping with me!”
“I seriously can’t believe I fucked up my holy mission this badly.”
“Like, do I always cry this much?” I look at the figure. “Because after a point it got pretty annoying.”
“This was supposed to make you realize the error of your ways,” the figure continues. “You were going to become a better person after this. Instead, we just spent twenty minutes having the worst sex of my metaphorical life.”
“Oh yeah! That’s how it rolls with this guy!” I say, grinning and pointing at myself. “Surprises everywhere!”
Poof! Poof!
Two red figures appear in front of us. “We need to talk,” they say, talking at the same time.
“Argh!” I take a step backwards. Then I notice they’re also identical to me. “What the hell?! What are you two supposed to represent?!”
“Your lust and inner demons,” they reply.
“What?” I frown. “How many of those I have, exactly?”
“No, no. You don’t get it,” the figure on the left says. Then he points at the Edgy Aragón I just fucked. “I’m his.”
Silence. The Edgy Aragón’s jaw almost hits the floor.
I blink and scratch my back again. “Really? My inner demons have inner demons on their own? Man, I have issues.”
Also wooo the Royal Guard featured Today Is A Good Day to Die, I'm on a roll!
If you're wondering if the story ends with an even more disappointing four-self-some, you're absolutely right. Give me five.
Plot twist: I was the hobo, well dressed as one. Guess I was lucky you came by when you did.....I'm lonely.
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If someone actually takes the effort of pressing the "follow" button, I feel like making them laugh or unfollow in disgust once in a while is the least I can do.
Also I like to see just how low can I sink with this kind of stuff.
Don't be embarrassed, everyone ends up fucking themselves at one point or another.
It seems that your issues also have issues. The issues of a horse.
Oh you too? Man, I have to tell the Sexy Assistant about this.
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...Fabulous.
You literally shipped yourself in a narcassistic erotic fic. Great job.
Of all the Aragons in the world, you're the Aragonest.
Have you ever read anything by Chris Bucholz? Because I find your writing is very similar to his.
2623838 And acknowledged he has a great ass. Still working his way up to his incredible genitals though.
I love your blog posts, they remind me of some of my favorite Cracked writers.
Never stop writing!
I love you. You are awesome and eellogofusciouhipoppokunurious (It's a real, English word).
Proof that all good writers are insane.
Your blog posts are the best!
I've known you for the time it's taken to read this post and I love you.
It's not creepy...
Shut up!
When the point is anything but straight.
Well, anything butt covers it nicely, too.
EDIT:
Also: Incest, or masturbation? Which makes it kinkier?
2626369 Fun fact, folks!
Did you know that inbreeding usually doesn't affect a population until the negative traits show up several generations later? So Aragon can have sex with himself and the little Aragonites don't show up with any harmful traits?
Just kidding! That's only if there are any negative traits. As we all know, Aragon and his butt has no foul traits, thus any offspring is just as perfect! A chip off the old block, if you will!