Critique Review: If you have sex with a Changeling that looks like your beloved, and you didn't know, and you end up having a child together, does it count as cheating? · 2:51pm Nov 26th, 2014
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
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No, that’s not a question I’m asking. I don’t care about the fucking answer. But apparently, somepony did and now we have this story.
I’m sure there’s a joke to be made about it, but I’m not clever enough. And let’s face it; I wasted all the rape rants I had in October. So, let’s not waste any time on this one.
Let’s dig into I had no imagination when giving a title for this story and so I decided put my description of it instead just so I can fuck with you all by The Wraith Writer
We begin our tale with Shining Armor hearing a knock at the door late at night.
Shining Armor looked over his shoulder at his wife’s sleeping form. He had hoped that perhaps she had woken up and he could feign sleep while she got the door, but no such luck.
Typical male response to these situations.
Who asked you?!
As, Shining Armor goes downstairs to check the front door, he finds a baby lying on his doorstep.
The baby’s small eyes were shiny and black.
Baby
Baby
KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!
However, it turns out that the child is actually from Queen Chrysalis. Wow, this would have been a shocking… something… if it wasn’t in the title, but I know what you’re all thinking. What happens next?
Shining puts two and two together and figures out that the child is in fact his and Chyrsalis’s and that he slept with her under Cadance’s guise.
No! Bad elephant! Bad! Go back outside!
Sorry, I don’t know how that elephant got into the room. Computer, why do I have a pet elephant?
I have no idea, sir.
Cadance wakes up and comes to wonder what was happening. Sure, she waits until he gets up to answer the door. Typical female response.
How cute.
Shut up!
Shining hides the child as he tries to figure out what to do about it.
Shining convinces her to go back to bed and says he will join her shortly.
Shining actually does, what I think is a clever move here. Shining writes a note saying that he is heading to Ponyville to help Twilight with an emergency and that he left that night.
He makes his way to the train station to make his way to Ponyville.
Since he needed to be there faster than was normally possible, Shining Armor roused the conductor of what was known as the Ludicrous Train. The metal monstrosity was just like a regular train save it had numerous rockets strapped to it and was painted plaid.
Well, I’ll give the story this much credit, it knows what it is. Oh and as we go, you’ll figure that out too. It may not look like it right now, but trust me; you’ll know when you see it.
The train rocketed out of the station at a ferocious speed that nearly topped Shining Armor over in his seat.
Wow, the father of the year, fillies and gentlecolts. Almost cracks his baby’s skull on his first night of ownership by getting aboard a rocket train.
Soon after closing his eyes, Shining Armor was lying on his back on the train’s ludicrously comfortable seats, snoring, with the baby cuddled against his chest.
(Now if that scene doesn’t make you go ‘awww’ you have no soul.)
…
… Do you mind?! I’m working here!
How the hell do you keep getting in here?!
Meanwhile, at Twilight’s, she wakes up and…
Twilight Sparkle
She really likes books
Oh… no….
It’s the Borderlands gag.
An attempt to throw in some humor by overdramatically giving out the characters names like they are some fucking comic book superhero whore. And then give a very brief sentence about them like it’s supposed to be funny. But in Borderlands case, it was incredibly annoying. And in this case… it’s incredibly annoying.
And it happens for every character in the story. Apparently nopony was spared the wrath!
So, Twilight goes and makes herself a cup of coffee and apparently it’s the best kind of coffee in the world.
But as the still awakening Twilight pulled the coffee can down from the shelf in her telekinetic grasp, she got a jolt that woke her up far better than any cup of coffee. (Even that lovely brand that has cocaine in it)
There a digestion problem joke here somewhere, but let’s face it, the story is trying to be funny FOR me. It’s like raging against someone who clearly doesn’t give a fuck, there’s no sport in it. Maybe I should try to do this review straight for all the good my jokes are doing.
Anyway, Shining arrives at via Super Fantastic Awesome McBaddass Super Train, which is conveniently parked right outside her doorway with there never been any evidence of a railroad track anywhere near her place, but hey, contrivances need to happen somewhere.
Shining Armor appears at Twilight’s door much to her relief.
So, one might imagine her relief at seeing her brother Shining Armor standing there instead of, say, Lady Death or a Hasbro Executive.
So, wait… is the story self-aware that it’s a just a story? Or is this another vain attempt at humor? Either way, not having that much of an impact on me. I dealt with the devil last week, story! There is nothing you can throw at me that I haven’t seen!
Shining Armor
Dude needs a corndog
Case and point!
Also, I doubt he so much needs a corndog as he needs to get out of the situation he is currently in! A funny line would have been “Is (or has been) royally screwed!” Or at the very least, it fits into what the situation is going on around him and it would have fit into the Queen Chrysalis thing and it would have fit into what Cadance would put him in if she found out about what happened. It’s a good pun since both Cadance and Chrysalis are considered royalty.
But then of course, we couldn’t reference something that is only slightly less funny.
Shut up, story! I know what it is!
So, Shining comes in and tells Twilight about what happened.
He pulled a chair over from a stack of books and gently sat the bundle down on the cushion. Twilight looked at the bundle and saw that it contained a baby foal. Normally one might need a shot of adrenalin for this, but Twilight lived in the same hundred-mile radius as the Cutie Mark Crusaders so she was good.
Because giving birth to babies in Equestria never happens! Nope! Never! Not once in the history of all Equestria has a baby ever been born! Nope! Not once!
Oh, quit your balling, you little twerps!
How can you be so heartless?
Because I’m an asshole! That’s why!
So, Shining gives Twilight the note and…
(At this point, many of you are wondering what’s wrong with Twilight. Here, this should clear things up)
Twilight.exe has encountered an error. Processing.
Oh, good! I was hoping for some actually character interaction and actually trying to add some plot to this jumbled mess of references and jokes, but this is sooooo much better! You almost got me to give you a pity laugh, story. Almost.
Suddenly, Rainbow Dash flies in and…
Rainbow Dash
20% more wingboner
So, the rest of the main six appear with an overdramatic open that makes me feel like I’m watching the fucking Super Friends intro. Yes, because it was so funny and clever the first time! Even if you’ve never played Borderlands, you’d be pretty sick of this joke by the time Rainbow Dash flew in, especially since it’s not even a fucking sentence before the next character flies in, with their unnecessary over-the-top intro sequence!
“Twilight!?” Shining Armor was obviously panicking now, seeing as the ‘!’ is now in front of the ‘?’.
Case and point, the story doesn’t care. Why should I? Here, have some keys. You can jiggle them in front of your face.
So, in case you were wondering what was the point of that chapter? As if you didn’t already know. Absolutely fucking nothing. It’s just one big joke after another. I don’t mind jokes if they are leading up to something or are at least advancing the plot, but when it’s just pointless gag after pointless gag, it becomes dreary really quickly.
Wasn’t there a baby we were supposed to get back to? Apparently, that wasn’t important enough for the story, so it decided to glimpse over it.
Finally, Twilight bursts out that Shining has a child with Chrysalis!
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Normally, this is the point where I would do the ‘DUN DUN DUN’ video, but I did use it twice in the last review. Also, WE ALREADY KNEW THAT! GOOD THING WE TOOK AN ENTIRE CHAPTER TO ESTABLISH WHAT WE ALREADY KNEW! THAT WAS WELL WORTH IT!
Finally, Spike walks in and…
Spike
Who?
… Okay, one point for you. I kind of laughed here.
So, apparently after learning that Chrysalis and Shining have a kid, the main six are so shocked that they were able to suck all the air out of the room, causing Spike to pass out.
Ignoring the science on that for a second, (FUCK SCIENCE, WE GOT ROCKS) Full House had better humor than this.
I know I can’t take that back, but I still stand by it! Full House was funnier than this!
They take Spike outside to give him some air and they ask if he is okay.
Twilight just nodded out of habit, but truth be told she did look like she had seen a ghost. No, wait, ghosts aren’t too terrifying. More like she saw Celestia become anthro, turn into one of those half rotted zombies, and then the abomination took all it’s clothes off.
(TheWraithWriter is not responsible for any mental trauma caused by this story)
Oh, my mental scars say otherwise.
So, we FINALLY get back to what the main focus of the story should be…
The child. The six try to figure out what to do and Shining tells them that they can’t tell Cadance or any pony else.
Why not? Half the town knows by now with all the fucking Borderland themed introductions that you’ve given us!
Twilight asks if she thinks Cadance would understand, but Shining replies like so.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love Cadance and she loves me,” Shining Armor said quickly. “But she’s also a bucking lunatic.”
Well, considering that she was kidnapped by the mother and forced to starve to death in a dungeon while she banged you, I’d think she’d have every right to be upset!
Twilight, Shining and Fluttershy agree to follow Zecora to her hut to discuss what to do about the child and to find out if it is actually Shining’s. Twilight asks Applejack and the others to say behind in case Cadance shows up. Twilight, knowing the Element of Honesty, asks Applejack not to talk to Cadance. Which begs the question, why doesn’t Twilight just have her tag along with them, so that the risk isn’t even there?! Oh, that’s right… I forgot. The story gives about as much of a shit as I do.
Also, the scene was pointless, so why even have it? Just cut Applejack from the story. It wouldn’t have taken away anything important. In fact, you could cut out the main six from this story and it would have no impact. Except maybe Twilight, but the others have no place in this story and you’ll see why. This would have been fine if this Applejack confrontation actually amounted to anything.
But whatever, as the group makes their way to Zecora’s hut, Fluttershy asks kind of a stupid question.
“Are you sure this is the right way?” Fluttershy asked Zecora.
The zebra glared at the yellow pegasus. “Of course I am sure,” she said, and then added in a low voice, “Ungrateful miserable cur.”
Okay, ignoring for a minute the characters acting like assholes to one another, what exactly was Fluttershy ungrateful for? There is no lead up to what she was ungrateful for! What is it exactly?… You know what, I don’t care.
Twilight begins to suspect that Zecora might be under some kind of curse. Probably from the kid. What, is he going to be like Roy and has magical powers at age 0? Again, this is never brought up again, so … why is it here?
Shining turned his attention to the little bundle that floated in front of him. “Even if he isn’t, I couldn’t bear to just let this little tyke go.”
Because you’ve spent so much time developing their relationship… Oh, wait, NO YOU FUCKING HAVEN’T!
It’s instead been spent on Borderland gags and broken Twilight’s that need to be rebooted! Where is the relationship building for the two? They’ve barely shared a scene together! Is that once scene on the train supposed to represent that they are close?! One scene and Shining has bonded with the little twerp?! Makes sense, I guess! Hey, I’ve seen relationships built on less!
But Zecora finally remembers where to go… Thanks for that plot point… And they get to the hut to rest.
Then the baby starts crying. God, the kid wants to get this story over with as much as I do.
Zecora manages to get a bottle of changeling milk. … Why does Zecora have a bottle of changeling milk?
Zecora just grinned lasciviously at him.
Yeah, I didn’t think so.
So, Fluttershy … ends up the ceiling of Zecora’s hut? And then Zecora uses a blow dart to calm her nerves? And then Fluttershy and Zecora are hinted at sexual things together?
Can we get back to the story about the kid, please?! You were winning me over much better with that!
And then Zecora takes a strand of hair from the child, Shining and… Twilight? And Zecora suggests that Twilight might be the mother?
Oh, good, the incest will make my stomach curl so much that I’ll forget how much my head hurts after repeatedly hitting it!
And it turns out that Zecora has a strand of hair from Queen Chrysalis?… Sure, why not? Whatever it takes to end this quicker.
However, as Zecora prepares the test, she finds out that she is missing an important ingredient. So, she sends Twilight and Shining out to get it. Not sure why this is even here, the plant never comes to anything and the test is ultimately pointless anyway. I know why they can’t show the results, but could you at least have it lead up to something?
We cut back to Pinkie Pie and the others who have started a drinking party in the hopes that it will distract Cadance long enough for them to figure out what to do with the kid.
Here’s something that the group never thought of. What if she doesn’t drink? … What then? Are you just going to force it down her throat?
But of course, in this story, there are no sober ponies. Not even the one reviewing it.
We get some oral sex jokes, some banana jokes, and honestly, if you haven’t noticed, I’m moving this story along as fast as I can.
Cadance finally arrives at the party and asks about Shining. The girls do their best to stop her and finally end up challenging her to a drinking game.
And apparently, Cadance’s concern for her husband is so second nature that she agrees to the drinking game almost instantly. Why is she in love with Shining again?
Zecora just grinned lasciviously at him.
Yeah, okay.
So, as the girls begin to lose the drinking game to Cadance, they try to figure out what the best move is to make her not look for Twilight and Shining. How about knocking her out? Not what you would do? Too bad, this story does it anyway.
So after breaking the fourth wall again, (I don’t care about it anymore, why should you?) Twilight and Shining continue to travel through the forest.
“She said we would find it in sun.” Twilight answered, a little irritated herself.
Uh… I think it’s supposed to be “Find it in the sun”, but I guess it’s the thought that counts. … And clearly no thought went into this. Must be why it amounts to nothing!
Also, why would Zecora be vague about this? Maybe she just wants more ZecoraXFluttershy time…. Damnit, story, now you’ve got me doing it!
Not that Cadance was violent all the time, but ever since being trapped in those caves beneath Canterlot she had a tendency to treat situations she normally would think on with violence.
When? When was that? We never saw that! Not once has this ever been a thing! I’m sorry, when was it ever hinted at this! We never saw it in the scene with Shining, we never saw in the drinking scene! Wouldn’t this important piece of information be a little more relevant if we actually showed it?!
So, we actually get some pretty interesting character development with Shining thinking about what he would do if the baby it turned out, wasn’t actually his. Deciding that he could be the bridge that helps brings ponies and changeling together. And it’s actually a very nice little moment. …
Can I get some more of that please?
Zecora just grinned lasciviously at him.
I’m starting to dislike you, Zecora.
Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash and the others try to decide what to do with the unconscious princess. Why not throw her in a dungeon? Maybe that will give us some real Post-Traumatic Stress disorder!
We then cut back to Zecora where she actually puts her thinking cap on and actually wonders why Chrysalis would leave her child without a good reason. The first sensible thing said in this story! Only took us 6 chapters in!
However, before Zecora can figure out the mystery, Fluttershy attacks her with a frying pan and knocks her out. I would say this leads up to something, but… no. It really doesn’t.
Twilight and Shining return back to Zecora’s hut and Zecora can’t stop talking about how she wants to go cupcakes on Fluttershy’s ass, all while not rhyming. Yeah, apparently, she doesn’t want to rhyme anymore.
Look, if I have to question every little thing in this story, I’m going to be here forever! And lord knows I don’t need that!
Twilight believes that Fluttershy is innocent and can explain herself, but Zecora is not convinced. She then grabs a compass she has that can track down Fluttershy. … Just buy it, people. It will be a lot quicker.
Shining starts reacting vengeful and mimics Zecora’s willingness to kill the child. Oh, yeah, because their relationship was so well established in the… What? Two scenes they had together and barely interacted with each other?! Weren’t those great?!
IF I SAID IT WAS GOOD, CAN I PLEASE STOP?!
So, they find Fluttershy and Twilight attempts to keep Zecora and Shining from attacking her.
Twilight asks where the baby is and Fluttershy can only respond by saying “The baby is safe.”
After talking Fluttershy down, she admits to liking Shining Armor for the longest time. When did Fluttershy make clear that she knew Shining Armor? I don’t remember that episode! Maybe this is how Changeling #6 had a crush on Shining, but can I please know why Fluttershy took the baby?!
I can’t take this! I really can’t! I’m trying, story! I’m really trying to like you! I really am!
Do you think I want to not like you?! I’m really trying here! I’m trying to find you humorous! I’m trying to find you interesting, but it’s just not happening! Do you think I want 1000 ponies banging on my door with torches and pitchforks demanding retribution for the review of a story that I am clearly the minority for?! Do you think I enjoy that?!
So, they ask Fluttershy where the baby is and Fluttershy explains that the baby is back in Ponyville.
They then receive a letter from Celestia saying they know about the Changelings plans and that the child needs to be placed under protection. Oh, and some more pointless humor. Because Molestia is funny, apparently. Oh, I’ll get to her another day. Trust me. Her day is coming!
Twilight teleports to Ponyville, leaving Shining behind.
Author's Note:
This chapter was a little more intense than previous ones and I'm sorry if it broadsided you.
However, the next chapter will be even worse.
No, please broadside me! This was actually the best chapter in the story! It certainly not great, but it’s at least advancing the plot and doesn’t waste our fucking time with a dumbass drinking game and a stupid flower that ultimately amounted to nothing!
Meanwhile, Applejack is given the baby for safe keeping by Angel. Rainbow Dash arrives and explains what happened to Cadance. Suddenly, they are attacked by Changelings who are demanding the child.
Applejack tells Rainbow Dash to fly away with the kid and Applejack… pulls out a shotgun? … Okay, let me clear one thing up before you all start harping on me. I live 700 years after Twilight’s coronation. We have shit like that in my time! How did a shotgun end up in Applejack’s possession?!
Oh well, it is pretty bad ass.
She’s so pretty when she has a weapon of death and destruction.
Meanwhile, Twilight arrives at the library and it turns out that she can’t use a teleport spell again, after teleporting such a long distance. So she can’t go back for Shining Armor or Fluttershy.
Dash gets attack by the Changelings as she is escaping with the kid, but she is able to outmaneuver them.
Also, one thing just came to my mind. Why don’t the Changelings turn themselves into somepony they trust and trick the main six into giving them the kid? Rainbow Dash hasn’t proven very bright in this story (nor has anypony else for that matter), I doubt it would take a lot of effort. It especially doesn’t make any sense despite what we will see in later chapters.
However, as Rainbow Dash tries to run, one of the Changelings manages to bite her. She manages to escape them in a pretty cool chase scene.
Rainbow Dash manages to get the kid to Twilight. However, the royal guard appears and demands the child.
Twilight runs off, leaving Rainbow Dash to fend for herself against the royal guard. Bitch…
One of the guards manages to catch up with Twilight, demanding the child. Twilight refuses and one of the other guards tries to get the furious one to calm down. However, the furious one is growing impatient.
Right before he can kill Twilight Sparkle, Predator appears and attacks the furious one. Sure, why not?
Twilight takes the opportunity to run, but Predator is hot on her trail. (Okay, it’s actually a Changeling in Predator armor, but I’m calling it a Predator, because considering what we’ve seen so far, would that really surprise anyone?) And the other guard is hot on Predator’s trail.
Twilight continues to run, but Predator is catching up to her. However, the other guard (No, I’m not going to bother learning this character’s name) attacks the Predator with a flaming cocktail.
Sunshine smirked. “And I guess you could say that he-” she gestured to the changeling whilst putting on a pair of sunglasses “-couldn’t take the heat.”
Okay. Twice. Twice, this story has made me laugh. TWICE! HAVE I FILLED MY QUOTA?!
However, it turns out that Predator wasn’t alone and brought his gang with him.
Twilight manages to get away, but the other guard is not so fortunate, fortunately.
One of the Predators manages to catch up with Twilight and demands the child. When Twilight refuses, Predator threatens her. But fortunately, Shining Armor appears to save her. Or unfortunately, I can’t tell at this point.
Cadance then arrives with a sword to throw to Shining Armor to battle the Predator. And then we have what is, I’m not going to lie, a pretty awesome fight scene. Yeah, it has some more dumb jokes, but my god, this fight scene is pretty damn cool. And the build up to it is great. WHERE THE HELL WAS THIS THE ENTIRE STORY?!
We then have the characters calling the Predator “An ugly mother-bucker!” Oh, yes, keep using that joke! I’m sure it will get funnier after the 59th time in this story alone!
However, it turns out before Shining can kill it, Queen Chrysalis appears… with a revolver? And she kills her own Predator?
Okay… This better be building up to something big or else… I’m going to yell about it! Okay, story. Here’s your chance. This better building up to something good! Something that I could not foresee! Something that justifies all of … this! Okay, story… Go ahead… Give us your explanation of what I had to go through.
So, it turns out that Chrysalis had nothing to do with her child being abandoned on the doorstep of Shining’s home. Turns out a traitor group had deemed Chrysalis unfit to rule the Changelings due to her last failure, so they kidnapped Chrysalis’s child and held her for ransom.
However, thanks to a character we never see or hear from before this point in the story, (woven in the story like a quilt) the child was recused sent to the Crystal Empire. However, she is captured and they discover that the child was in Ponyville.
Which begs the question, how the hell was Chrysalis able to attach a note to a baby she never saw beforehand? And the perfume on it, how the hell did that get there?! Did the kid just emanate it?! Is that what it’s farts smell like?!
Furthermore, wouldn’t it be easier to say in the note “Psychos trying to kill our child! Keep our baby safe!” Yeah, I know the mystery and all that, but it makes no sense!
However, Equestria was known for accepting others. So, even if it was a changeling/pony hybrid, Equestria’s love would allow it to stay with them and be safe there. But I’m pretty sure that the author was not going for that. For you see…
There’s the twist… The twist that comes the fuck out of nowhere.
The child is Cadance’s!
See, told you I didn’t need you!
Stupid Elephant.
Oh, yeah. The joke of this story the whole time was that the letter was meant for Cadance! It turns out that Cadance and Chrysalis have been conspiring this whole time, having a child right under Shining’s nose! It turns out that Cadance out of compassion saved Chrysalis’s life and thus changes her ways.
And what does Shining do? What the hell does Shining do after find out that not only is his wife bisexual?! Not only finding out that she was cheating on him?! Not only was she hiding what is essentially his stepchild?! But also, have to have gone through this whole thing?! What does he do?!
Oh, and guess what the pair of you will be doing! That’s right, making me some Celestia-damned corndogs because I’ve sure as Tartarus earned some.”
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Critique.exe has processed the error.
Haven’t we had enough of that joke yet?
I’m not going to lie to you guys, this is one of the hardest reviews I’ve ever had to write.
The comedy for this story feels like a pie being thrown in my face for every joke we get! The first one was funny, the second was less funny, the third one was dumb, and by the time we get to the fourth pie, I finally notice that the story has 40 other pies waiting to throw at me!
Occasionally, there will be an anvil in the pie to break up the monotony, but they come too far and few between! And by then, it’s already too late!
They don’t further the plot, they don’t develop the characters, and most of them don’t have a place here!
Now, what about the plot?
STORY, ENOUGH! I AM SICK OF THESE JOKES! GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER AND LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS! I AM FUCKING SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT! THIS BULLSHIT THAT I HAD TO GO THROUGH JUST TO GET TO THE FUCKING ENDING! NO MORE BULLSHIT! JUST YOU AND ME, TALKING ABOUT THIS! HOW DOES THIS HOLD UP?! HOW DOES IT’S PLOT HOLD UP?! HOW DOES THE FOCUS HOLD UP AFTER EVERYTHING I FUCKING WENT THROUGH?! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT HELD UP?!
Actually, better than I thought…
I’m serious. When the story actually wants to tell a story, it actually does it better than you’d think. Now, do I think there are problems with the story portion of it? Yeah. The relationship between Shining and the child should have been developed better, the attempt to overthrow Chrysalis should have been hinted at, even if you don’t reveal everything it should have lead up to that moment a lot better than it did, the ending could have done with some more emotional connection considering that it was trying to build a relationship between the baby and Shining, and most of the characters had no purpose there except to be a punchline.
But in the last third of the story, it’s actually kind of fun. Going back to the pie thing, it felt like I could finally eat the pie that had been thrown at me! And surprisingly, it wasn’t that bad. It’s not a pie I preferred, but it actually could be enjoyed.
It’s like it finally realized that it had to tell a story, so it attempted to give us all of it in one shot, and honestly, while good, it does come off as incredibly rushed. The twist came out of nowhere with no real lead in and most of it feels like the story started out like it had no idea where it was going, but in the last third, it’s like the story finally figured out where it needed to go. Unfortunately, that left us with a lot of pointless scenes that don’t really amount to anything.
If this story had focused more on the story elements rather than the comedy for the first two-thirds, I think the story would have been much stronger. It’s clear that when the story was trying, it really showed. It really had some moments where I legitimately felt like the story was trying to be good and was actually succeeding. And while it’s not a story I’m overly fond of, I have to admit there was a level of talent, care and effort put into the final two ‘real’ chapters. I felt that I was reading a really good story. Hell, I wanted more of that. I didn’t even mind the jokes as much since we were trying to have an engaging plot and believable characters.
But unfortunately, that was not the focus. Just as I was staring to enjoy the pie, I would have another pie thrown at my face, taking me out of that enjoyment.
The story doesn’t really have a moment where it can just slow down and let you take in what is going on. Maybe that’s what it’s going for as it tries not to dwell on it. But for me, it didn’t really grab me and therefore, it didn’t connect with me very well.
I didn’t feel like I was relating to the characters well enough to be a part of this story. I had almost no connection to them until that last little bit. So, that made it a really difficult read for me. I’m not saying that comedy shouldn’t be in a story, but I think the focus still needed to be on the characters and the story.
There was good to come from this and it’s easy to see why so many people liked it, but if someone were to come up to me and say they hated it, I wouldn’t find it that hard to believe.
So, unfortunately, as good as some of the good parts are, it’s just not worth enduring the first two-thirds. The biggest problem in this story for me was the first two-thirds. I’ll admit if I didn’t force myself to read through the whole story, I probably wouldn’t have. And that, in my opinion, hurts it.
But, this is coming from the guy whose stories have taken off about as well as a butterfly flattened by a steamroller, so what do I know?
Well, I know one thing; How to end this review! By beating a dead horse!
The Critique
Full of himself
(and hot air)
I love Borderlands jokes.
I think I tried reading this one once... I got bored and read something else.
If he was brainwashed, would he actually have any recollection of the event? Also, I would complain about Shining and Cadance's coupling before they even got married, but that would fall flat because 1) this is the modern era; such concerns are considered old-fashioned by a good chunk of the population, 2) This is a MLP fic; subverting the innocence of the ponies has been done so often it's become the standard, not the exception, and 3) what would I know? I don't write romance fics.
Doomrider makes coffee now? No wonder he hasn't been seen since 2nd edition.
Oh dear, forced humor. This won't end well.
That is pretty funny
It's like all those games Yahtzee complains about that are rubbing it in your face that yes, it is in fact a video game. Only I don't play video games, so this is even more annoying.
Notes in the story did not help The Secret of Queen Annalese, it does not help here.
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A sad fact that is slowly encroaching upon media these days. Who cares about protecting or raising a kid properly? No, we must all act like total idiots.
I'll take your word for it (haven't seen Full House)
... why?
Seriously, why would you hide something like this? Hiding big important stuff from your spouse is a surefire way to knock a few supports out from under your marriage. But then again, this is supposed to be a humorous story, so it'll be a non-issue
And WHEN was this implied? Ever? In either canon or this?
Couldn't have put it any better myself.
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Bring Me All Your Elderly! did is so much better.
Cadence is best Khorne Berserker
KILL! MAIM! BURN! KILL! MAIM! BURN!
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wat.
It's a rough job, but at least you'll have some people who aren't lemmings supporting you.
Joy. Will there be a Celestia month?
Was it ever explained why the changelings were trying to get it back?
Wow, it's been a while since we've seen one of those. Yay for that
Easy, the note was forged, and extremist groups always have access to weird stuff.
Now, if that was actually stated...
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I'm sorry, what?
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... Moving on...
Clever, and it makes sense.
Good review again. Shame that the story wasn't better, but it did have its moments
On one hand, you make some very good points and I did have fun reading this review.
On the other, I have an ego roughly the size of Montana, so I'm afraid I have to kill you now.
Okay, seriously, let's talk:
I actually wrote this by the seat of my pants for the most part, so that might explain some of this. And I understand how most of the humor doesn't work for some. As for the story elements, I'm glad you enjoyed some of it. Overall, this was one of my first attempts at writing and actually my second attempt at Pony. The first is no longer on this site, but I might be persuaded to give it to you if you can tell me the answer to this question.
LOL, I'm not going to make you read that.
Anyway, thanks for this review. As nice it is to be told how fucking awesome you are all the time, it's also nice to get the other side's opinion.
But enough of that, I have Haunted Vaginas to write about!
You and the mary sues who keep stalking me. You could start a band. You can call it. "Everypony should join forces to kill this guy because he had the nerve to insult my fanfiction and how dare he mock me in his public form for everyone to see." Or as I like to call it. ESJFTKTGBHHTNTIMFAHDHMMIHPFFETO!
... I'll need a better name there.
Now, I actually don't have a problem with this. Some of the best writers in history wrote by the seat of their pants. Making up things as they go. Such as J. R. R Tholkien or Steven King. Often called Discovery writers. Writers that have no idea what they are going to write, but they write anyway. Now, this isn't a bad thing because it can be easier to make characters more believable since they are stuck to a script. However, some of the plot can get lost if the author doesn't keep track of where it's been and what it needs to resolve. It doesn't technically know how it needs to resolve itself, but it needs to give us a feeling of satisfaction and not wasting time.
The same answer I give to a spider on the wall after he scares the shit out of me.
I'm glad you are taking it well. This was a hard one to make a choice on. I had debated with myself for days trying to decided whether I liked it or whether I disliked it. It was the hardest decision for a review I've ever had to make.
On second thought, maybe not that hard.
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At least one of us was smart and I'll give you a hint, it wasn't me!
I'm glad someone thought it was funny.
It's all your fault I started watching Yahtzee! Now I can't stop! I can't stop!
Thank your lucky stars, it was before your time.
Just wait til I get to the stories that don't deserve their popularity for how mediocre they are.
Hadn't made any plans? I really should though.
Mostly it was there to poke fun at the story one last time. Glad you enjoyed it.
It's kind of sad really, I read this fic when I was fairly new to fimfiction. It annoyed me then and it's annoying me again. I never finished it because it was so annoying. Thanks for the stroll down memory lane Critique.
Anyway, back to the review.
baby?
Oh Unholy Jesus Christ!
Is the conductor Dark Helmet by chance? How about President Scrube?
To be fair, I know some really shitty parents that would have done worse.
Yes, the dreaded Borderlands gag. A gag which got old so quick that you didn't even get past the intro sequence before you said 'fuck this shit. let me play the game already'. Or maybe that was just me.
Perhaps the conductor is Krieg? No, then the train would be made of shit.
Where the fuck does this corndog thing come from? Seriously.
Fucking memes. Just DIE!
Some 4th wall breaks can be funny. Others are just fucking retarded. Deadpool is the funny kind of 4th wall break. An entire character that is a walking 4th wall hammer, but he does it right.
In other words, comedy not done right.
Oh yeah, the plot. Almost forgot about that. Let's see if this moves on. Not likely any time soon.
I did chuckle too.
Fuck you and the horse you rode in on....oh, right. Damned callbacks to awful stories.
The only trauma I received was from stupid.
About bloody time.
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Maybe he just looked at the kid and thought, "I want to take care of this bastard for the rest of my life. Even if I've only known it for less than half a day." But knowing the story, not likely.
I fear for what she had to do to get that.
I'd say "What the Flying Fuck?", but no one is flying.
Um. Last I knew Male Pony (brother) + Female Pony (sister) did not equal changeling pony. Also, ew.
Let me introduce a new hero. It's name is 'Deus ex Machina'.
I see that you got my white russian. Hope you enjoyed it.
Why the fuck not?
I'm half way there (insert echo here)
I guess this is one of those reason why people call RD Rainbow Cunt.
Better late than never. That's a lie and we all know it.
What is it with all these stories and not having Zecora use one of the few character traits she has in the show?
Mr Bones, I believe this is your queue.
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Sounds like fun. I'll be waiting for that bit.
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Agreed. Whole heartedly agreed.
Well they could, but then we wouldn't have an action scene like we've got.
Is it weird that I have an image in my brain that is beyond fucking awesome?
CSI jokes. And it was done right.
My guess? Buried under a bunch of crap.
Hello Arnold. Good to see you.
*sniff sniff* I smell a plothole. I don't mean that kind of plot hole!
I repeat what I said earlier. What the hell is up with this corndog thing?
Also, I'm putting a hit on Shining Armor.
Sums up the fandom pretty well.
One story I liked was a possibly discontinued story by a good friend MarineMarksman involving 60's spiderman and his adventures in Equestria.
And that sums you up pretty well.
I'm glad this was less painful to read than the other stories have been.
Always thought the below was a much better and much more thought provoking question:
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Goddammit author! I have a fucking Justin Bieber song stuck in my head now. If I find you...
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JESUS CHRISTMAS! HOLY JESUS! GODDAMN! HOLY JESUS JUMPING CHRISTMAS SHIT! BURN IT! SEND IT TO HELL! WE NEED KURT RUSSELL WITH A FLAMETHROWER IN HERE, STAT!!!!
If I buy it, do I get a free Yogurt doll? Also, does it come with or without the Flux Capacitor?
Kind of like saying that Oliver Reed really liked the occasional drink.
Wasn't that one of those Knight Rider and Blue Thunder knockoff shows from the 1980s that starred Ben Murphy and Monte Markham or someone like that?
Oh, he already fit into Queen Chrysalis. That's what started the whole thing!
Don't they pop out the glorious and almighty skygina?
Hey, you asked for it...
My opinion of the Twilight saga in one short sentence.
And my opinion of the Seltzerberg movies.
Then it climbed onto the roof of Twilight's house and started clog dancing while lip-synching to Barry Manilow albums and juggling flaming newspapers and a chainsaw.
(HudsonHawk is not responsible for loss of bladder control)
Hey, a week after my parents met, they had their wedding date set. They've been married over 25 years. Just proving your point.
This section of the story guest written by "Southland Tales" writer-director Richard Kelly. The man who brought you this...
You're welcome.
You should have seen that time she opened the jar of pickles with a baseball bat...
She somehow got Phineas and Ferb's Cuteness Detector?
That's what I think when I picture Jennifer Lawrence with a rocket launcher.
Quite possibly one of the most awesome sentences ever.
What in the holy mother of ass... grrrrhhhh.... hurrrrhhhh..... AAAAHHHHH!!!!!
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He takes them to the royal bedroom for a little fun time.
Ok, then fun time. He'll also show them a few new uses for corn dogs...
2619114 That second video was amazing.