Critique Review: Nightmare Month: A Kezzerdrix in Equestria · 4:23pm Oct 22nd, 2014
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique. And welcome to another night in Nightmare Month.
As we have seen through the course of the month, we have seen that some of the darkest fan fictions are often the most pointless of stories. There is little story development, characterization, logic and motive to stories being written except, I can write dark stories.
Look, anyone can write dark stories, it doesn’t mean you should! It takes atmosphere to write the story! And actually giving a crap about the story and characters you are writing!
And when one or more of those things are missing, the story can be a pain to read. Kind of like today’s story. So, let’s dig into A Kezzerdrix in Equestria by Inum76
Our story starts in the park where our main character is playing a game of Dart Ball. What is Dart Ball you ask? Well, I’ll let our author explain what the game is.
It is a modified form of Doge Ball. A circle of player surrounds a group in the middle. The game is simple. The group in the middle must work to get the ball past those on the out side. Those on the outside must Keep the ball in.
Sorry, I’ve never played ‘Doge Ball’, yo! Maybe yo homies can prop yo spelling, doge!
So, the author starts to explain more about Dart Ball, because I’m sure this will be crucial to the plot.
And then we… get a fucking author’s note in the middle of the story!
Authors note: I use to love to play Doge Ball in school, I was very good at it. I most never got hit. Unless I was the only one left in the middle and I wonted the players to switch rather then keep every one out waiting for me to be hit. I did stay in and not get hit for a wile at times as well, much to the frustration of everyone. For that alone, some did not like me to play. ^.^
Are you kidding me?! Are you really kidding me?! Dude, here’s the thing about author’s notes that some people are confused about! One, you don’t use an author’s note whenever you damn well please! An author’s note should either begin a chapter or end a chapter! By putting it wherever the hell you want, you draw attention away from the story, which, as a writer, is the last thing you want to be doing!
Two, an author’s note is not your personal blog! An author’s note should either drive interest in the story, asking the audience important questions, or offer an explanation to the audience about something behind the scenes of the story, such as sluggish updates.
They are not to be used to explain how good you were at Doge ball, whatever the hell that is! This might shock you, but nobody cares about how good you were at the game! We are interested in the story!
So, after a pointless author’s note, we get back to the game as it plays out. We are introduced to several characters, mainly Plunk, a Pegasus filly and Page Turner, a unicorn colt. The game continues and I’m not really sure what the hell is going on. I’m not sure who to cheer for or how I’m supposed to feel about the situation. All I know is that a bunch of kids are playing ball. A bunch of kids that I am not really that invested in.
It makes it difficult to get into the story, when I can’t even get into the situation that the kids are in. This would have been better if the kids were established before the game and I actually got to see who they were and what makes them special or their love for the game. At least then, I would have a better idea who to cheer for.
However, the game is interrupted when the ball is overthrown and starts to roll down a hill. Plunk is the unfortunately filly who has to go fetch the ball. Something she is apparently dreading.
She heads down the hill and takes a look around for the ball. She begins to get frustrated as she searches a nearby patch of trees for the ball.
She finally ends up catching the ball, but as she picks it up she starts to hear a voice calling to her. She finds out the voice is coming from a cave and decides to investigate, fearing that somepony could be hurt.
She follows the voice while thinking that once she found the pony in trouble, she could come back with help in case she was unable to. I’ll give this story credit. This character is actually acting intelligently.
As she travels through the cave, we get some backstory on her climbing through caves when she was a child, but that these caves are strange to her and thus she is having a difficult time with them.
Most of the chapter is just her traveling through the caves and misspellings and grammar errors littering the thing. I can’t tell if the writing is trying to be good or purposely bad. What I mean by that is that words that sound similar to the words the author wants to use, but have different spellings are used. I’ll show you what I mean.
The young light brown filly was sure she was close enough that who ever it was she is looking for would have heard that. Again she was shortly answered by another screech, and *wine*. None of this felt right.
Was it a griffin? The voice was still not saying a word. Just sounding hurt and desperate for help. She could also *here* movement. Just slight, and still far away.
What ever it was, may indeed be stuck and unable to get to her if it was something dangerous. Hope was in her *hart* that she would not regret failing to turn around and run right now. She felt after all this she just had to take a look.
As she travels further down, she comes across a strange creature.
Something told her it did not feed on the moss and mushrooms growing down here.
It was probably the bloody corpses of young ponies that laid around its body. … Of course, that wasn’t clear.
It turns out the creature is a Kezzerdrix, a creature from the game Magic: The Gathering. Personally, I prefer the Vizzerdrix.
It’s a better creature, be it for three more mana and loses First Strike, but it doesn’t have a negative effect for having it.
Okay, enough nerdisms, back to the story.
Plunk tries to outrun the creature, but the Kezzerdrix is able to knock her out of the air and trap her in a corner.
The creature manages to tear off her wings to keep her from escaping.
Plunk then goes to the graveyard, since her ‘life’ hit zero. Don’t worry, I’ll bring her back with my Gravedigger.
Sorry, I thought we were in the middle of a game.
And then, the creature… starts to sexually assault her?! And she enjoys it?!
You did it! You fucking did it! You just had to fucking do it, didn’t you?! You just had to fucking do it! You had to be like every fucking pony in this fucked up world, didn’t you?! You just couldn’t let it go, could you?! You just couldn’t grow up and be a fucking adult! What is wrong with you ponies?!
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you poines?! One time, shame on me! Two times, shame on you! Three times?! You ponies are fucked up! This… I mean… really? This is … okay with everypony?! Seriously?!
I am seriously running out of ways to say, ‘what the fuck’ to this?! It’s old! Really fucking old! I’m tired of reading about it! I’m tired of reviewing about it! The viewers are tired of me ranting about it! So, just FUCKING STOP!
Rape is not a fucking joke, guys! It’s not a fucking joke! Stop acting like it’s a fucking joke, because it’s not! Jesus fucking Christ!
… Look, I don’t fuck with this shit. … I don’t. I have zero tolerance for … this… being shown in this light… And every time I see this, a little bit of my faith in life dies. And, I’m not sure I can ever get it back, because… all I see are ponies who take this a just a joke. … It’s not.
And finally, after God knows how many times I had to restrain myself from throwing my laptop across the room, the Kezzerdrix finally eats the filly.
We cut back to the other group of kids as they continue to play ball. Wait, so if they had another ball, why did they bother sending Plunk to get the ball? For that matter, are they not even going to ask why she isn’t back yet? She’s been wondering through those caves for a while, you’d think that somepony would have noticed.
Actually, it turns out that… Plunk is with them?!
Huh? What?! Where? WHY? HOW?!
She was just eaten by a Kezzerdrix! How is she still on the surface?! There is no way she should still be alive! What? Is a Kezzerdrix’s stomach actually a Stargate?!
It turns out the ball rolled down the hill, but instead of going along, Plunk’s friends want to go with her. Just like the beginning of the story! You want to bother explaining this, author?! Story?! Anypony?!
They manage to find the ball, but they hear the voice of a creature down in the cave. … Just like the beginning of the story! Did you get too much flame about the rape and death of a young filly, so you decided to re-write the story within the story?! If you are going to actually re-write it, get rid of the stuff you don’t want to keep!
Instead of going into the cave, they decide to go get a pony with more experience dealing with unknown monsters. And who do they turn to?
Twilight fucking Sparkle! That’s right! Now, go show that fucking piece of shit what for!
So, Twilight goes into the cave and decides to investigate. A few hours pass as the fillies wait outside. Twilight then returns claiming the creature would have killed them if they had come along and that they don’t need to worry about it anymore.
Wait, what?! Twilight killed that creature?! AND WE NEVER GOT TO SEE IT?!
HOLY SHIT, I HAVEN’T FELT THIS RIPPED OFF SINCE I MISSED HALF THE MONSTER FIGHTS IN GODZILLA!
So, it turns out that one of the ponies has foresight and saw what would happen if Plunk went down there and that’s why it went through those scenes before!
So, the friends go off and continue to play their game and live happily, I don’t give a shit…
The bad spelling and terrible grammar alone would be enough to keep readers away. But then you add on top of that the completely unnecessary sexual assault. Ask yourself, what did that add to the story? Nothing.
And I know what some of you are saying right now. You’re saying “It adds to the evilness of the creature.”
No. No, it doesn’t. The creature eating a child would have been enough. No, we needed to add this piece of shit to the plot to make it more ‘adult’. Bull fucking shit!
Was it to make Twilight more badass to take down a rapist?! Because she already was a badass for taking down a horrible monster that eats children!
And then all of the sudden, like the author didn’t have the balls to kill a child in his story, he bails out with this move about it being a premonition of her being attacked. Look, in a better story, this might have worked.
Nightmare on Elm Street is a perfect example of keeping your audience on their toes! And it’s one of my favorite horror movies! You are never sure if the characters are in the dream world or reality and it keeps the scares high with great characters and a scary villain.
It didn’t have to resort to sexual assault to be dark or adult. It relied on the frightfulness of the villain and the fear of our heroes.
This story is a huge disappointment to what could have been a good horror story. If the characters had been established better. The characters needed to be established for the foresight bullshit to work. It just comes out of nowhere!
The villain needed to be more involved! If the villain had been a looming threat throughout the story, that would have built tension. The first few chapters before the creature actually had some kind of tension and scariness about it. But it’s all wiped away by the foresight bullshit anyway, since it cheated us out of being scared.
A good proofreader for spelling and grammar, and of course, get rid of the pointless rape, this story actually would have been decent. But as is, this story makes me want to never read another story by this author again.
… I need a drink…
and it's hard; what's dark for one person might be rather mundane or narm-y for another.
This Doge Ball intrigues me; is it in any way related to dodge ball?
This is me, not caring.
Also, putting author's notes in the middle of the story is just sloppy and kills all the momentum of the story. If you want to commentate on something you wrote, just use something like a footnote (1)
"Oh no! I have to exert myself and get a ball! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
"
You must go to the Dagoba system...
So... not shoved in at awkward points?
... You know, I was actually thinking about the Vizzerdrix earlier today... I personally prefer the Enormous Baloth
When suddenly "Cupcakes"
So, a little filly enjoys being raped by a rabbit/piranha mix...?
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Don't make me execute you for Heresy.
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Not about you suffering through the story, I care about your sanity, but about the fact that this filly got eaten by a Magic: The Gathering monster. She's had next to nothing in the way of character development, so I haven't been all that invested in her fate.
A) even the kids don't care about what happens to their friends
B) wat. Didn't she just die?
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No wait, it was clear, and most people CAN'T COME BACK TO LIFE AFTER GETTING EATEN BY MONSTERS!
God, that's just lazy writing, that is.
I'll do my best:
The author is a lazy dumbass who can't keep track of what he's written.
Intelligence!
Rendering this whole story:
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I still don't see why people have to throw in rape to make the story more adult. Heck, a lot of things that people do to make the story more adult usually fall flat: excessive gore and violence, excessive swearing, rape, gratuitous sex. When done properly, they can add weight to a story, but nine times out of ten they are completely mishandled and thrown in for the sake of making the story "dark and edgy"
(1) Like so
It's dodge ball, but without the proper spell to make it "hip" and "cool".
Yes, master Kenboi
Which was really weird to me, since this part was actually written pretty decently. It gives the impression that the author tried, but it still sucked and wasn't thought through very well.
I'm a blue and black player (usually because that's what I physically look like after high school) so those are my colors. Even though the Baloth is better than Viz.
Thank you, Mr. Nostalgia Critic.
Yeah, even in the good story that I'm reading now, there is kind of a potty mouth on it that is kind of distracting. I know I'm not the greatest at controlling my foul mouth, but when Rainbow Dash cussing is a little distracting. And that's even in a good story.
If there isn't a reason to have it, don't have it. I try to keep vulgar language as much out of my stories as possible, save for a few characters, but I try to keep my foul mouth under control when I write stories. The Critique, he's a nobody, I can do whatever I want with him.
And having rape in the light of "Women want to be raped" "It's pleasurable." "It's desirable". I only have one thing to say to those people... F*ck you.
2549581 For those that think women want to be raped, I suggest they stop reading "50 Shades of Grey" and start figuring out how to breathe while being hanged.
And I agree with you as far as profanity is concerned. It has its place, but using it for the sake of using it detracts from the whole thing and makes it appear much more amateurish.
And what is this good story you're reading?
...Honestly, this story seems to be so far away from anything good, I don't' see the point of so much as thinking about it. That's how bad it is.
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I couldn't help myself.
It's always the thing that eats little ponies, unless it's a hurt hero or something like that. We are not too imaginative of a fanbase.
Well that didn't take too f**king long....actually it did take too f**king long.
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What is everyone's bizarre and sick fascination with rape? And with a monster no less. WTF?
Ah, so it takes the 'Quest for Camelot' approach and doesn't explain jack shit. I'd be surprised if anything was explained any more.
Please be S4 Twilight after the fight with Tirek. It gets hard to find something more powerful than a giant fucking centaur that steals magic....it's going to get ruined two paragraphs later isn't it?
Someone get the phone. I fucking called it.
So unexplained psychic ability from a random? I just need one more for the bullshit tropes bingo sheet.
Rum, whiskey or vodka. My treat.
This is my response to this story
NO! BAD STORY!
Also did you ever get a chance to check out my story? Sorry, sorry, I feel like I'm nagging
... Am I? 
2549603 Equestrylvania.
2549658 I really do think there is potential for a good story here, its just covered in garbage. I think with a rework, there could be a good monster suspense story. But that's just me.
2549799 Now, I've seen everything... No! I take that back!
2550347
As proven by every rip off of My Little Dashie, Cupcakes, and every Human in Equestria story ever written.
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For those of us who hasn't seen Season 4, raise your hand...
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Am I seriously the only one?!
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White Russian Cocktail
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2550674 No, you are just fine. I really need to read it. I'm just busy. Please keep reminding me. It helps me remember.
2550818
Whoopsie. Got to remember my spoiler alert stuff
2550823 It's okay.
I kind of already know what is going to happen in the season finale, but I want to keep it as spoiler free as possible.