Write-Off Reviews - Just Over The Horizon · 4:52am Oct 13th, 2014
Another 400-750 word minific competition has taken place over in the Writeoff Association, with the latest prompt being "Just Over The Horizon". As per usual, I have given at least some thoughts on all of the stories in this competition; if anyone has any questions, feel free to ask.
There were 49 entries this month, which is only two less than the last competition - and as I put in 4 entries last time and only 2 this time, this means that the difference was entirely on my shoulders. I should feel ashamed of myself.
Anyway, I wrote up "fake" reviews of my own stories in here, mixed in with the real ones, so as to preserve my anonymity. Both of my stories will eventually be posted - one of them is actually already privately undergoing revision, and will eventually go up as a stand-alone story, while the other I haven't quite figured out what needs to happen with it.
If anyone is curious (as, let's face it, the only people who are interested in reading this are other readers of the stories), the stories can be found here, and the voting form can be found here; that's right, these stories are publicly judged and voted on.
My two favorite stories from this competition were Community Announcements, which is a bunch of silly little "community announcements" about Nightmare Night, and The Storm, which is a story about why storms happen in Equestria, when they can control the weather.
Property: This story didn’t really feel like a pony story to me at all. Sending ponies off to their deaths doesn’t feel like something that would happen in Equestria. And that’s really the biggest problem here: there’s no reason that the main character here is named Applejack, and the story doesn’t rely on it at all. Indeed, it makes less sense being Applejack than it would otherwise.
Applejack stretched out a hoof and it didn't take long for another to take hold. Ah, Applejack was afraid. Just like the rest of them.
This line was a little weird; it felt a bit jarring. I like the idea of someone else taking her hoof and it expressing fear, but I think “Ah, Applejack was afraid” needed to be about someone else.
The idea behind this story was solid enough - and I think you could write a good story about this idea - but I feel like making it a pony story specifically was a mistake.
Provisional score: 4
Horizons: Bit of a twist here in that her friends are old not because Twilight is old, but because of time travel, and that they came back to warn Twilight, but while this was a small idea, it ended up feeling too small; we had them mention that they came back in time for a reason, but honestly the whole thing felt a little bit arbitrary simply because we didn’t have any setup or expectation for what had happened.
I really liked the idea behind this story, but felt like its execution was a little lacking as a result of the lack of a proper build-up to the twist.
MechaCelestia versus Giga Fluffle Puff: Nope.
FAKE EDIT: FINE I’ll talk about it. This is… a very silly story. I’m not very interested in stories like this; while I understand that Applejack is Full of Squirrels is very amusing to some people, I’m not overly fond of such stories, and this falls pretty squarely into the “Random” category. The title was funnier than the story itself ended up being, and the fight itself failed to be as truly ridiculous as it needed to be, and I don’t feel like it carried its weight in the end, as it didn’t end up going far enough to cross the line twice.
Caro Nome: I really don’t understand the point of this story, or what happened here. Reading it again, I still don’t understand. She said something about “dem hips” to Adagio, and ran off afterwards, and then repeated her mistake when Adagio came to talk to them. Is there something more to this that I’m missing?
I’m not sure that using Rainbow Rocks characters in this was wise, given that I’d wager most folks here haven’t seen it yet as it hasn’t even been broadcast on TV yet.
Why Doesn’t the Sun Shine: I feel like this story got crammed into 750 words and would have been better if it had been left to breathe a bit more; it takes a page to definitively establish the setting, and then barely has any time to actually go through the rest of the plot. I am a sucker for stories about raising the sun, and I like Fancy Pants as the Hero of Another Story, but it felt like the thing was running forward at breakneck speed at times, and had to cut out all the little touches of dialogue that make such things special, instead having all the dialogue advance the plot as fast as practicable.
To Whom It May Concern: An AU unreciprocated love Twilight – Rarity – Prince Blueblood love triangle? Well, that was a gutsy move.
Unfortunately, I think this story, like Why Doesn’t the Sun Shine, got crammed into 750 words. The problem is that Twilight and Rarity needed a lot more space for Twilight to tell Rarity why she loved her, and she just… didn’t. I actually really like the idea of Twilight tricking Rarity in that way, writing a generic love letter and then talking to Rarity about all the things she loves about her, but it needed to go into more depth and actually sell the emotion to us. As someone else noted, this felt too generic, possibly because of its brevity.
I will note that the reveal that Rarity was in a relationship with Prince Blueblood felt unnecessary to the core of the story; I don’t see why this had to be an AU, and I think it would have been better if it had been left out entirely. If it is intended that Rarity is pursuing someone else, it could just be her swooning over her latest paramour; if Rarity actually does want Twilight to approach her, it would be better if she wasn’t with anyone. Honestly, given the word limit, I think it would have been better if it had ended with Rarity telling Twilight not to give up and having more words spent selling the ship.
Also, I’m not sure if Rarity’s wan smile at the end was intended to indicate that she was kind of sad about what Twilight was doing, or that she knew what Twilight was doing and hadn’t wanted to hurt her feelings (or was doing the whole “A lady needs to be approached” thing). I think making it less ambiguous – that Rarity was telling her to pursue her, or that she was clueless – would have improved the story, as it would have helped make it clearer whether or not the story is supposed to be a tragedy.
A New Day: I figured out who this was pretty quickly, well before the ending, and I do love the delicious irony of her terrible failure. That being said, I’m not sure how well it fits with her characterization in the show; honestly, she comes off as not really wanting to rely on anyone else. As that motivation and drive is at the center of the story, I’m not really sure that I can buy it.
Touched: This story, like property, doesn’t feel like a pony story – it is a vampire story, and it doesn’t really gain anything by being set in the world of ponies. Unfortunately, it is also a story which I feel like I’ve seen before, and while the idea of a vampire committing suicide by sitting outside and waiting for the sun to rise is fine, it also has been done, and I didn’t really feel like this added a whole lot to it – indeed, the vampire didn’t even really have much agency here, as they only did it because a spell allowed them to temporarily regain their mind long enough to kill themselves.
Rainbow Dash Can’t Make Skeleton Jokes to Save Her Life: I feel like this didn’t go quite far enough. Maybe making the puns literally necessary to beating the pirates would have been better; maybe only puns could keep them from reassembling themselves, and when Rainbow Dash failed at them, the jokes were so bad that they let the pirates put themselves back together?
I do like the idea of punning enemies to death, but I think that actually making it literal would have improved the story.
Also, Roundhouse Whirlwind Maneuver™ and Sad Trombone Four Note Symphony™ were very offputting in the narrative, and the joke of turning Fluttershy into a bone felt really random.
Kiss By Wire: This is a cute enough idea for a story, but I am confused why there is a phone on Ditzy’s desk, which is fairly important to the story. I also didn’t really hear Ditzy’s voice that clearly here.
The idea behind it is cute enough, but I would have liked to get a little bit more emotion out of it, as while I do like the idea of Ditzy knowing who it is and deciding that she decides she needs a birthday kiss from her secret admirer is cute, I didn’t really end up buying into the emotionality of it.
Virgin Green Fields: Ah, irony. Also, a historical setting story. Two ships passing in fog; who knew that people shipped Clover x Smart Cookie? Well, other than me, I mean. But I’ve long resisted writing How To Defeat Windigos. Mostly because it is terrible, shameless clop and I don’t write clop.
I’m not really sure how I feel about this story, or what to say about it.
Further Than Before: Clearly Twilight did a poor job of explaining how spherical planets worked. Oh Twilight, this is where your know-how would have come in handy, and you failed her.
I’m not sure if this story really works, though; I felt like it should have had Rainbow Dash realizing something, and instead, she didn’t, she just kept beating her head against the wall. It felt like it was setting up for an epiphany, but instead she just kept on flying.
Behind the Night: Man, I was just talking to Bad Horse about stories like this earlier today, and last night for that matter. This is a story which is all about discussing canonical events, and I sometimes like these stories and sometimes do not; ultimately, it tends to be because I end up seeing things from a new perspective after reading them, or feel like something happened as a result of the story.
I do like the idea of Celestia giving Luna the choice not to be in charge of Equestria with her, because Luna has the opportunity to be free if she so chooses, but I don’t really feel like the rest of the story sold that, or if that was really even the point of the story, and it was more that Luna needed to understand what the stakes were.
Over Horizons: Oy, that pun title.
Unfortunately, I don’t feel like there was much closure here, and that the story sold itself very well, or even that Trixie’s revenge was even worthwhile or meaningful. There were a lot better ways of getting revenge than just kicking him, and I didn’t feel like this story really did anything clever with any of it.
I would have liked her revenge to be more complete and powerful.
Making him one of the Flim Flam brothers (probably Flim, given that there was no mention of the stache) was a very subtle touch, but I’m not sure if it might have been too subtle.
Making a Better Nightmare: I guessed fairly early on that this was a Nightmare Before Christmas crossover, but I was surprised when it actually became a Nightmare Before Christmas crossover.
Gotta admit, I’m a bit of a sucker for the Nightmare Before Christmas, but I’m a bit confused by the ending with Luna. While I do appreciate the idea that she would deliver Luna a bit of help for Nightmare Night, it ended up throwing me a bit. And as a result, I’m not really sure where this story was meant to take me.
A Story Not Unlike Winona: You actually told a story here.
I’m not sure that this was a story anyone wanted to have told, but, well, here we are.
I chuckled a bit. I don’t think this is going to get last place, though.
Why did you use the blank, though? You could have just not mentioned the character’s name at all, and it would have worked just fine.
Also, the link didn’t work.
The Storm: This story did a great job of being evocative, getting me to sit there beside them through the scene, and I really liked Applejack telling Apple Bloom the story about Dream Valley. Well done. This is my favorite story of the lot so far.
Enlightenment: This story was a bit rough around the edges and seems like it needed a pass over it for editing; it has a few grammatical errors here and there, and a few strangely worded sentences.
There were a few jokes in here, but I felt like the bit with Horizon didn’t really fit with the koan at the start of the story about enlightenment always being just over the horizon, and the not a changeling thing felt a bit forced.
I think this could definitely do with some more editing, and could stand to either be more obviously joking or more obviously koan-like; as-is, it feels like it is kind of inconsistent and doesn’t know which it wants to be.
Story Time: I felt like Apple Bloom at the end of this story.
On the one hand, that means that you succeeded in making it a rambling, confusing, pointless story.
But, you know, like Ian Malcolm once said, you spent so much time wondering if you could, you didn’t think about if you should.
There’s a proper way to tell stories like this, and it is called a Feghoot. My father loves stories like this. I love stories like this.
If you’re going to tell a rambling, pointless story, you need to make the audience want to punch you at the end, but be laughing or groaning too much to do so while you make your getaway.
This story let the audience catch you. Good thing you’re on the internet.
Antecessor: Present tense, eh? I’m not so sure about the use of that tense here; it wasn’t wrong here, exactly, but I’m not sure if it worked, either.
That being said, I did like the repetition, though at first I suspected that the child did not make a sound for an entirely different reason – that it was dead. Of course, when we find out who – or more precisely what – the mother is, it makes much more sense.
A reasonable enough story on the whole, and the one thing the story did do very well – the repetition – worked and left me with a positive impression of the piece as a whole.
The Infinite Blue: Pretty dark and dismal, but it works well enough on the whole. Pretty nasty, and it doesn’t feel like it fits super well with the world of ponies… but well, dark stories seldom do feel congruent with the show itself. This story worked well enough as what it was, and on the whole, I felt like it did a good job of evoking the terrible conditions on the ship and the desperate need to find land.
Six: Man, I wrote a phoenix story last competition, Bad Horse wrote a phoenix story for the Outside Insight Contest, and now this.
I guess everyone loves phoenixes. They are pretty cool.
Shush, you.
Anyway, I liked the counting and repetition, that worked well, and I figured out quickly what was going on. Overall, this was a solid little piece, and I think it did what it was trying to do.
Three very reasonable stories in a row. I can dig it.
Mortar: From the wording of some of the sentences in this piece, I suspect that this was written by RainbowBob.
You had fun writing this, though, subverting the reader’s expectations that the protagonist would be a pony, when in fact he was a diamond dog. This is a war story piece, though, and like many such pieces, setting it in a pony world feels kind of strange and irrelevant; why does it matter that the characters are dogs and ponies?
I liked the central subversion of the story, and it was a decent enough war story, but I was left asking the question of why the characters were made ponies and dogs.
In Front of You: The fact that
“So, a spell can get stuck thinking that it's got the right move, when it's actually going to make a huge error!”
Was its own paragraph confused me.
Anyway… I think this story had two problems. The biggest problem is that it is actually two stories.
The first story is actually a good one, and one I would have really liked to see, and was excited for – the spell thinking that ponies were Spike’s parents was right, and that Twilight would eventually come to see that. That’s a great idea for a story – a spell that Twilight casts to reveal Spike’s parents revealing that he has known them his whole life, because who laid his egg isn’t important at all.
And then we had Steven Magnet come in, and I realized exactly where the story was going. Steven being Spike’s dad could make for a funny comedy story, but here, it just kind of felt jarring, and frankly, him going to the spa seems… utterly unbelievable given that he is probably about the size of the spa.
I really wanted to see the first story this was trying to tell.
Today Happiness Is Just Over the Horizon: I’m not sure that the ending of this story fit with the rest of the story. Yes, I know that this is a feghoot; I’m just not sure that it wanted to be one.
Though I’ll admit, the title made me think of Horizon.
I think this is all your fault.
Also, while I do understand that the interrobang exists, that is not an excuse to use it.
Friendly Correspondance: Phoenixes sure have been popular lately, but this is not a bad thing.
Well, this was a nice little different take on Celestia’s response there. Though I personally enjoy the interpretation that Celestia was trying to set Twilight up to go on a date, and Twilight, being who she is, was totally oblivious to it.
Which is a story I’m going to write someday, mostly because the idea of Twilight showing up with Rainbow Dash at the Gala and everyone assuming she was her date is just such a gloriously terrible idea.
Anyway, sorry for the digression. I thought that this was a nice little piece overall, but I feel like Celestia’s decision NOT to send the first letter wasn’t given enough emphasis. I also felt like it might have been nice to emphasize slightly more that Celestia missed Twilight, because she clearly loves her in a very motherly fashion here and it would have been nice to see a little bit more.
It Still Rises: Yeesh.
I think the biggest flaw with this story is the fatalism it presents; while I can see Twilight being sad here, the problem is that Twilight has faced down horrible things with her friends at her back. Why aren’t they doing that now? Luna and Celestia, sure, I can see them going to beat it down… but Equestria is all about the magic of friendship and teamwork, and it seems strange that Twilight is not facing down the threat with her friends and is instead waiting for it to come.
That being said, the story does a pretty good job of being evocative within its own setting. It just feels strange for the character, given her general optimism and the usual problem-solving of Equestria.
Dawn Rising: Excuses, excuses. Poor Twilight.
This contrasts a bit with the previous story in that it has a much more hopeful ending in many respects, but at the same time was quite dark.
I dunno how to feel about this one; it is a little vignette, and parts of it are evocative, but other parts are strangely absent, including what a kirin even looks like in this setting.
Last Slice: Ah, psychopomps. Well, I’m always a sucker for that sort of thing. Unfortunately, this story felt a bit like it was of two minds; the first part and the second part didn’t feel super well tied together, and while I did appreciate Granny Smith’s lines (especially the bit about her pancreas), I dunno if the whole thing hung together as a unit.
A Former Student of Mine: I didn’t really buy Cheerilee’s bitterness here about teaching, because I didn’t understand why she felt that way or why she retired in that manner. Was she forced out? What happened? The story doesn’t really say.
I do like the idea of Sweetie Belle going back and talking to her, but there is so much left unsaid here it feels weird.
EDIT: I missed the significance of the clenched hoof the first time through; Cheerilee had a bottle of sleeping pills clenched in her hoof the whole time, and Sweetie Belle was looking at it because she was afraid that her teacher was going to kill herself. Her final question takes on a much darker meaning with that.
A Couple of Tossers: This is a very random story, and it is no Martial Bliss. Pony tossing is in theory funny, but in practice we just kind of got thrown into it and it was just… weird, especially with the actual focus on the throwing.
Hospice: I’m a monster.
This story is supposed to be sweet.
It is supposed to be a nice thing about the bravery of people standing in the face of death as their patients inevitably and invariably die.
But all I can think of is releasing people to Elsewhere.
Ah, the lies we tell to children.
Apprentice: This story did not follow the standard formatting rules! Shame on the submitter. It makes it much harder to read without the white space or indentation.
This is a little vignette, one of those literal slices of life where you go in and just cut out a bit, sticking it out on a plate for everyone to see like a piece of cake. I’m not really sure what the point of it all was, though; while this is true of slices of life in general, the thing seems to really not say much of anything. Rainbow Dash is impatient, Daring Do isn’t, both have their flaws and virtues.
Rattlers: A horde of skeletons instead of zombies is… not really that much different, all told, but probably more appropriate for ponyland (though potentially more horrifying as well).
The fatalism felt a bit weird, though, as it always does in pony stories, as it doesn’t really quite fit. Also, why are they the last two?
Well, anyway… dunno what to say about this, otherwise. Honestly, in many respects, it is a fairly standard zombie story. One can escape, the other can’t, the one who can get away decides to make sure their friend doesn’t become “one of them”.
Everypony loves long sunsets: Arms? Ponies don’t have arms. Liar.
Anyway… uh, so Luna and Celestia are having a silly fight over lowering the sun. Funny. I thought it was Luna who was stubborn about that sort of thing.
Where the Sun Goes When it Sets: See, the problem here is that it isn’t really the right way of going about things. Telling people stories isn’t really giving them a thirst for more, but rather giving them silly little nibbles. When I was a small child, I read about how the world really worked, and thus, I have very few illusions about it. There are science books for little kids.
Admittedly I was never a normal child, but still, the principle remains.
The Slow Fall of an Unfamiliar Star: Hey, a Sunset Shimmer is trapped in the human world and sad about it story!
Well, Equestria Girls is always a controversial subject matter, but I felt that this piece did a decent enough job of driving at her isolation, though I don’t know that I feel it quite managed to push it all the way into the net. She also never really showed any signs of such in the show; she seemed to want to be in charge of everything and didn’t care much about hurting others.
I dunno if I quite buy this as Sunset Shimmer.
But the story is alright otherwise.
Depths: Who knows what is real and what isn’t?
Seems someone has a monkey shapeshifter on their back.
Not really sure what to say about this story; it is fairly self-explanatory, and yet at the same time doesn’t really give us any explaination beyond “Twilight is a draconequis for some reason and is going down to go hang out with Cthulhu.”
The Dragon’s Riddle: I feel like the final line was not what it needed to be to close out this myth, and that Eats-The-Grass’s name was not really appropriate and just kind of awkwardly inserted. She didn’t declare herself, and I think it would have been better to let her go nameless.
I also don’t really know that I agree that mercy was the answer to the riddle, because it doesn’t really feel like it is. Was it supposed to be, or was the point that he was just giving it to her because she was the only one who gave him an answer that wasn’t vain?
Community Announcements: This amused me greatly. The first announcement in particular made me laugh out loud. This was more of a collection of little stories about a location than anything else, but the whole thing was pretty fun.
On the Trail We Blaze: Why are these two together? Why is Twilight swearing? Why did Twilight have three lines in a row? (pretty sure the middle one is supposed to be Trixie)
Really, the why of all of this is never really explained, and the fact that it is those two characters doesn’t really matter at all, as it hasn’t in a few other stories.
Somewhere Beyond Us: Well, first off, Scootaloo actually has a place to sleep. With a bed. That’s like, canon now.
And the rest of the story is so…
Also, it isn’t nice to lie to fillies about important things, unless it is really, really funny.
Just Over the Horizon: Really broke the bank with that title.
I’m… not sure what to say here. Angel Bunny lives in a prison of kindness he both doesn’t deserve and yearns to escape is not something I’d seen before, though I suppose the idea of the wild animal yearning for the wild isn’t new.
He probably just wants to lead Alice down some holes, though.
Chasing Your Own Tail: Wow, another Rainbow Rocks fanfic? I guess tis the season.
Bit silly, dealing with a total moron. And the tried and true line about food worked here.
I dunno what else to say. It was some character interaction, and Sunset Shimmer trying to show someone else the virtues of being good to whom it is a very alien idea.
And I’m a Horizon: Look, just because we can’t actually punch you through the internet doesn’t mean that doing this to us is okay, alright?
My god, so many terrible, terrible puns. And I thought the skeleton story was thick with them.
And no, despite my groans, I didn’t give this a zero.
Rebus: I have no idea who did this.
I had no idea you could use white text on the website, in fact.
A Tale of Caution: Ah, a cautionary tale for children – pay attention to your surroundings or else you’ll be roasted by a dragon. How Grimm.
From On High: Evocative writing followed by a very mundane grounding; a nice bit of contrast in both text and content, which is always nice to see.
I don’t have a whole lot else to say about this, unfortunately; it does what it was trying to do and then gets out of the way.
Escape Plan: Another dark story – this sure attracted a lot of those, it seems. A note of hope in a world of despair, but I don’t really know that I can bring myself to care – I’ve seen these wasteland stories before, and this one didn’t impress me, but it wasn’t terrible, either, and it did an alright job with being evocative. I feel like ruins are important to such things, however, and I didn’t really feel the ruined world aspect well enough.
And that's all of them; 49 stories and 4627 words worth of feedback in a single day (and I read a few stories on FIMFiction itself today). Not a terrible haul.
I think I have earned the reward of playing a video game for the rest of the evening, but if anyone has any questions (or any feedback on my feedback), feel free to give me a poke. But remember - if you're the author of a piece, don't make it too obvious you're talking about your own. We wouldn't want to compromise our anonymity, now would we?
They do, actually. Well, horses do, so presumably ponies do as well. And although formally it's only the bit between the shoulder and the elbow that is the "arm", informal usage of "arm" for the entire forelimb isn't unheard of.
Goddamnit, I've been ousted again!