Critique Review: Nightmare Month: The Lottery · 4:16pm Oct 8th, 2014
Hello, my children of the night. I am the Critique. And welcome to another night of Nightmare Month.
Let’s talk about vore for a second.
Shut up! It’s Nightmare Month I can talk about whatever scary things I want!
For those of you who don’t know, vore is a sexual fantasy in which somepony is aroused by somepony being consumed. You know those pics you see all over Deviantart where somepony has eaten somepony else whole and yet there is no digestion and it is physically impossible to do!
Yeah, that shit! That shit that has become inexplicably popular for some reason!
However, some vore can be extremely graphic… Like today’s story.
Yeah, since this story we are going to review today is considered “Hard Vore”, you can tell I’m not looking forward to this at all. In fact, I’d down right say that I’m really not going to enjoy this story. But if some of you want to back out now, I will not blame you.
While I’m not opposed to it being a part of horror story, I do have to scratch my head at why or how ponies get off on this. Is it really appealing to have someone eating you? Are zombies considered the ultimate porn? I don’t know and frankly, I really don’t want to know.
So, let the torture begin. This is the review of The Lottery by Charming Melody
Much thanks to my editor DeadShot262
Oh, good. So I can expect this story to be well edited, well written, with the right spelling and grammar, as well as everything making sense, punctuation where it needs to be, with capitalization on…
Every year in equestrian there is a lottery to deal with the increasing number of mares. This was the annual Ponyville lottery and all are over 13 were required to be present. If you were pregnant with a stallion though, you would be allowed to raise it. The mane six, were headed to city hall, where the numbers would be called.
Or it could be the same poorly written crap that it always is.
As explained in the paragraph you just read, apparently there is some kind of lottery that goes on where mares are brought from all over Ponyville, where they will be chosen for something.
What they didn’t realize was they were being set up on a blind date with a human. The worst kind of date imaginable.
It then goes through the ‘mane’ six, noting each of their reactions. Except it does a lot more telling than actually showing… A lot more…
They were all reacting in their own way. Rarity was wondering if they would make sure she looked beautiful, Pinkie was wondering if she would be served with a sweet sauce, Fluttershy was scared, but knew running away would do nothing for her, and Rainbow dash, could only think of herself, and how awesome she would taste, and Applejack realized that if she were picked, she wouldn’t try to get out of it, as for all she knew the next number could be her sister, or one of her friends.
Okay, there is so much stupid here I have to address them all separately.
First, Rarity. That’s pretty shallow to want them to make her beautiful when they bake her into a pie. Oh, did you miss that? Yeah, the story doesn’t tell you, but every time one of these lottery things are done, they are baked into a whatever. I suppose this is how these ponies get their protein, even though there are several dozen ways of getting protein without resorting to meat.
Yeah, the audience is left wondering what the hell is going on. I know it’s in the description, but I purposely left it out to show you this. If an important plot element is in the story’s description, fine. But it shouldn’t be where the plot point is stated as far as the story. It shouldn’t be the only place we hear it. It needs to be introduced in the story as well!
Second, Pinkie Pie. She’s hoping to be served with a sweet sauce. Yeah, she’s pretty much just accepts it. Hell, all the main six pretty much accept it. Like it’s just a way of life for them. At least the Hunger Games have a reason why the people don’t just revolt.
Third, Fluttershy. So, Celestia is completely okay with the main six being sacrificed to feed ponies their protein? Even though all six of them are needed to use the Elements of Harmony? Okay, yeah, the Tree of Harmony takes the elements back, but they are still the heroes of Harmony, aren’t they? Shouldn’t they get like a free pass or something? Or what if the elements are needed down the road?!
Fourth, Rainbow Dash. She is worried about how awesome she’d taste… Ugh… Cupcake reference…
Fifth, Applejack. Why the hell isn’t Twilight doing anything? Does she just not care about her friends anymore? Did they piss her off or something? Maybe it did have something to do with how they forced her back to Ponyville during the Tree of Harmony stuff.
Okay, I better move on!
The mayor came out to give a speech.
More or less…
Then Twilight says a few words.
I know how it feels, that scared felling, and the paranoia that you are going to be picked. When I was old enough that I was finally up for the lottery, I could see the pain in my brothers eyes, as he knew I had to potential to be no longer a mare, and just meat. Take it from me, that if you accept your potential fate, you can live each day to its fullest, and leave Ponyville with no regrets.”
Okay, I know this speech is supposed to be heartwarming and comforting, but … all I hear is…
Also, those are pretty brave words coming from a pony who is immune to this “reaping”. Yeah, Twilight Sparkle, because she is a princess is immune to the lottery. Geez, if that’s the case, no wonder people keep making OC alicorns.
They soon start calling numbers to let the mares know who will be sacrificed. Now this would have been interesting to see the process and see some of the characters that the main six had gotten to know get dragged off and see how they reacted. But, of course, that would be what a good story would do and not this piece of crap that is in front of us.
After calling out several number, they then call out the numbers corresponding with ponies of the main six, Rainbow Dash and Applejack.
Have fun tasting awesome, Rainbow Dash!
The line starts behind the library and goes around the block… Twice.
And now we get the emotional part of the story. Well, of course, if you have read these reviews before, you know I’m a sarcastic piece of shit.
They hugged each other tightly as a group, knowing that this would be the last time any of them saw those two alive. Applejack and Rainbow dash walked hoof in hoof to the holding area, hoping at least that they would be together until the end, as that would make it a lot more bearable.
Yeah, these friends who just found out that they are going to be sacrificed to become everypony else’s protein intake are pretty fucking calm about it. There’s no panicking going through their brains, no shock, no journey through the stages of grief.
It’s just…
“You’re our sacrifices!”
Meh, whatever…
Oh, yeah! Let’s do this, yo!
“You will be cut into tiny pieces stuffed into a pie and feed to your families!”
“You two are taking this … really unrealistically well.”
So, the rest of the main six take it unreasonably well, seeing how their friends are going to basically die and they are going to be forced to devour them. Do you think Twilight learns a lesson about all this in the end?
Dear Princess Celestia,
I learned that it is important to keep plenty of protein in your diet. Protein helps your body grow, particularly muscular growth. Meat, beans, seeds, eggs and fish are all excellent sources of protein. Which is why we’ve decided, rather than actually hunting fish or growing beans, we would cut up random ponies in a Slaughterhouse and eat them instead. That was the only logical way we could solve this. I’m doing great as a new Princess, aren’t I?
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
Twilight went last. “If I could, I would make sure that your end would be more painless then what a lot of ponies do to you."
Wait, there’s going to be pain?! Nopony said anything about pain! Aren’t they just going to inject us and kill us that way?! That way we won’t have to feel anything?! Oh, god! What are they going to do to us?! And why are you just standing there letting them do whatever the fuck they want to us?! What kind of friend are you?! Princess of friendship my fucking ass!
So, they lower Rainbow Dash and Applejack down to the pits where they send everypony who had been chosen. They use some kind of gas to knock out the two and they wake up in the said Slaughterhouse I was talking about.
When you entered, it was already decided whether you were to be a live roast or not.
If you weren’t a live roast, you would be prepared for hanging in a grocery store, whole as it looks more appealing to customers.
Pleasant imagery there… I’m sure that this will in no way distinguish your sexual preferences in anyway…
So it goes on like this explaining the process of which these ponies are executed and prepared for meat and honestly, it sounds more like an instructional video of how they make chicken nuggets than it being actually frightening.
With that I’ve come to the conclusion that we are supposed to find this sexy. Yeah, the brutal murder of mares is supposed to be appealing.
Fetish Fan Fic!
So, Applejack and Rainbow Dash request to be stuffed and made live roast. Ah, just in time, Thanksgiving is in a month.
Okay, I totally deserve those…
Anyway, Rainbow Dash and Applejack are left in a cage to wait the day of their execution. Meanwhile, they decide to make the most of it by… well, they don’t have sex yet, but five bits says they do by the end.
And then… two stallions come in and stroke them?!
… Okay, no jokes here. No funny business. Just down to earth seriousness.
This is rape. Bottom line, these two stallions come in and rape Applejack and Rainbow Dash. I will not get into a discussion about why writing about such things is a really, REALLY bad idea, as I am not smart enough to talk about them. Instead, I will refer you to someone who does know what they are talking about.
And I quote fromGirl-Wonder.Org
Take a good look at your story. Why do you think a rape is what you need for it to progress? Is there something else that could fill the same function? Unless you have a damn good reason to include rape in a story, you probably shouldn’t. Using sexual assault as a motivation-in-a-box or an equivalent trope will do nothing but steal credibility and respect from a really serious, really important subject. Plus, you’ll look like a twit.
And that is what our author is, a twit! I don’t normally like attacking authors for their work, but we already have “hard vore” in this story! Why does this story have to include rape in this?!
Furthermore, it serves absolutely no purpose to the overall story! It’s just there because the author doesn’t give a rat’s ass about rape or the victims!
Okay, rant over, but only due to not wanting to get into something I’m unqualified to talk about.
After a few days of waiting, which would be just torturous at this point, I’d be begging them to just give me the gas already, Applejack and Rainbow Dash decide that it’s time to let their emotions go. And the two proceed to have sex with each other.
The story talks about how they have sexual repressed urges and frankly, I don’t give a crap because clearly this was done to get all of the author’s sexual perverted fantasies out of the way. God, a few more scenes like this and this could almost be as bad as WonderFall!
And the sex goes on… and on… and on… and on… For 2000 words of the fucking story! And this story isn’t even 7000 words long! Almost a third of this story is dedicated to them having sex! Look, if there was actual character progression and plot driven elements in this story, fine! But aren’t they supposed to be roast beef by now?!
After doing an entire chapter of fucking, we see that 24 DAYS PASS! Are you fucking kidding me?! You kept them locked in a cage for 24 fucking days?! Jesus, this isn’t just torture! This is fucking sadistic! Do all ponies have to wait almost a freaking month for their execution?! Wouldn’t that time be better spent with their families or fattening them up rather than locking them in a cage?!
But of course, I would not consider anything of intelligence from this author…
Okay, I’m done insulting the author. I swear.
So they discuss who might get to eat them, but they find out that Twilight arranged for her to get their remains.
Oh, good, because anyone can tell you that eating your own loved ones is a healthy psychological plan. It’s that right, Scott Tenorman?
Freaky as fuck episode…
So, they put the girls to sleep and take them to where they will be made into the next meal. They wake up and are approached by the main six where Twilight explains that like a “True, True Friend” she is going to make sure they are treated properly as they are cut up to feed the hungry.
Rarity then says this …
“Well don’t you two look very glum. Come on, cheer up.
Everypony in this story is an idiot. May they all burn in hell!
However, Rarity tells Rainbow Dash that she has asked Spitfire to come to the last moment of Rainbow Dah’s life.
She basically thanks Spitfire for making her an honorary Wonderbolt. Gee, I’m sure glad that was brought closure fast. That what was bugging me this entire time. Will Rainbow Dash ever get to be a Wonderbolt before she is cut up in an extremely violent way, that is being drawn out for no fucking reason?!
Note that the only reason I want them to be cut up is so I don’t have to read this story anymore!
They start to have a farewell party, but the author doesn’t care about any of that, so let’s just skip the fuck out of it.
As the party was coming to an end, the other four rushed Apple and Dash, and hugged them tight. All of them were crying a bit.
Ah, the emotions one goes through with seeing a loved one die is the same as learning that you didn’t win that car you only had one in a million chance of winning. Mild inconvenience at best.
So, the next day Big MacIntosh gets to shave them and good god, this story is still going! I’ve read novels that weren’t as long as this!
He left the mane and tail, as that seemed the right thing to do.
Because we leave the hair on cows and all the feathers on chickens when we cut them up for our dinner. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Asshat!
So, the story then starts to describe the process to which they are dipped in gravy and other such nonsense. Yes, story, it is clear you care more about pleasuring your own dick rather than telling a good story! You don’t need to remind us!
Don’t believe me; take a look at this line!
There were some muffled screams coming from both of them, as the heat started to cook them. All this did though, was make them horribly horny as the noise bounced off their marehood walls.
And any messily ounce of respect any pony had for you is now burning in the heart of the sun!
So, yeah, the two proceed to have sex as they are burned alive. … Cute…
They all cry at the loss of their friends. Yeah, story, don’t try to pretend you care. You’re not fooling anypony.
So they all sit down and have their Thanksgiving dinner to which they are thankful for their process working so well to keep order in Equestria. It’s about as effective as the fucking Purge.
This story is shit! It’s an icky, nasty, foul story that has no place on this website! I can’t even conceive why somepony would write a story like this! I can’t believe that the rape of Applejack and Rainbow Dash, the ‘vore’ or the sexual elements, which take away from the story rather than heighten it would make his editor nod and praise his work!
The vore element itself is just stupid since there is no logic behind it! They say it is population control, but it only involves mares! Why not stallions?! Also, the story mentions that if you have children, you are allowed to raise them! So population control can’t be it!
Is it lack of protein?! I have mentioned dozens of times that you can use other foods besides meat to get a proper diet of protein! Oats and beans are perfect examples! So that can’t be it!
No, the reason why this story only involves mares is because the author wants to torture women. This is exactly what this story was intended to do, make women powerless, by taking two of the strongest women in the My Little Pony universe and taking away their strength. That is the reason why this story exists.
I feel downright dirty for reading it. Not since WonderFall, have I felt so ashamed to bring attention to a story.
Have a good day guys.
***
Hey, guys. Thanks for joining me in the review. As always leave your thoughts on the review in the comments section and your thoughts on the story in general, let me know what you think. I always enjoy reading them.
Also, I have just posted my newest story The Longest Night, if you have some time and would like to read it go check it out. Leave a comment saying what you liked, what you didn't like, what could be better. I would love to hear some feedback on that.
That's all I've got. So, until next time, have a good day.
I think I've heard of this one...
So, it's like in those old cartoons in the 40s and 50s when someone gets eaten by a bear/shark/crocodile/insert big scary thing here and then they're shown still alive inside their stomachs?... ew
Not to mention, the above paragraph is very sexist... and a bit heavy on the fridge horror. If a mare is pregnant and the baby's a colt, they can go on and not have to worry about the "Lottery". But what about the ones that are having fillies?
... Inquisitorial interrogation?
If it's worse than that, I'm going to fear for my life.
Vague description is vague. I bet it is that propaganda you posted, or at the very least similar to it. For a more uplifting speech:
Elan's Rousing Pre-Battle Speech is more encouraging than this.
I've been watching a lot of Zero Punctuation lately, so I'm reading this line in Yahtzee's voice.
Oh yes, and Jason Voorhees only kills people because they don't understand him
Just like Cupcakes!
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Hold on a moment, I need to work on a formula for this.
...
I really couldn't have said it better myself. I'd post the rant I did in my review of legolas by laura, but you already hit the nail on the head.
37.media.tumblr.com/18901f25139347103d36e32deafdf22e/tumblr_n1zi5rWB2V1r7b6cio1_500.gif
Right...
Since when did Rarity turn into The Joker?
Obviously, this author knows nothing about the proper preparations of meat.
Firstly, gravy is made after the meat has been cooked, when all the juices and spices used to season the meat are still fresh. It's a long and tricky process that is very easy to screw up to the point where you end up with soggy clumps of flour instead of gravy.
Secondly, pouring gravy over food that has not been cooked ruins the whole point because it's just going to be burned away.
Thirdly, he's roasting cute ponies alive for a sexual fetish. He should be chained up and forced to eat his own kidneys.
KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!!
media.desura.com/images/groups/1/3/2055/800px-KILLITWITHFIREYOUFUCKS.1.jpg
That story made no sense and made me thankful I've slowly converted to vegetarianism. I now wonder in fear as to what other badfics are awaiting us this October.
2517792
Okay, that speech was hilarious.
And more encouraging.
Technically, they did kill them with fire... I deserve punishment for that dark comment...
If it makes you feel any better, this is probably the worst one for the month. But that doesn't mean the others are good.
2517848
It's one of my favorites; I used it all the time in theatre
Yay for the first, no yay for the second
2517862 I've never seen that speech before, but that was really funny and really creative.
I look forward to the rest of your reviews for the month as well.
Are you sure Longest Night posted? I can't find it.
Out of all the stories I've read, this one deserved to be destroyed the most.
2517848
Well. If this fic was the worst, I take some solace in the fact the next ones wont be as painful.
But I have the distinct feeling I'm still going to be in pain
2517792
You too?
Gawd damn it. I just read that review.
2519069 Might be a mature filter on it. If not, then I'll send you the link to it.
2519077 This and WonderFall. I can't stand either.
2519197 Oh, don't worry. There will be pain a plenty, trust me.
2517871
............Can I just say..........
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY?!?!?!
Also did you get that thing I sent you?
2520675
Sorry, couldn't resist.
The horror story link? Yes, I got it.
I'll check it out.
2520795 I miss that show
Also! Word of warning, I was in a bit of a rush with that since I had to go on a trip and wouldn't have time to work on it. I THINK it turned out good, but just be prepared
2520882 Okay. I'll keep that in my when reading.
2520896 JUST don't use it as an example of me at my best if it's not what you were expecting.
2520910 I understand.
2519887
Never mind, I found it.
Okay, to properly discuss why I hate this story, I have to make a confession. I am into the vore thing, but only of the soft (Read: Highly unrealistic and could never happen ever) variety, not the hard (Read: gore like this) variety. Don't ask me why, I really couldn't explain it to you.But then again, trying to explain any fetish, whether you like it or not, is difficult.
More on point, gore like this is painful, even when it's written well. Sure, I love me some violent action, but never to Tarantino levels and I was freaked out (as well as amused at points) by American Psycho, which isn't even considered that gory of a film! And even if this was soft vore I still wouldn't like it because it's just so fucking unpleasant. I can't really get behind shit like that.
Of course I'll probably end up posting a story with a vore trigger warning this month because I'm a fucking psychopath. Seriously, have you seen Warpigs? What lunatic does shit like that?
Smooth.
Oh, there you are Am_Z. I thought I lost you, like I did with Spike.
Still haven't found him?
Nope.
Still writing this comment even though it's pointless now?
Writer's Block is a fickle bitch.
I'm so sorry you had to read something like this. I really am. I honestly think it's stories like this that make stories like My Little Unicorn look tame in comparison. All MLU had was bland and stupid OCs coupled with lazy writing and repetitive and formulaic plots. It was bad, but it didn't make you necessarily feel unclean after reading it. I felt unclean after reading your review and that's with skimming the quoted passages from the story.
Well, back to writing stalker Celestia. That shit isn't a freaky as this.
2522658
If you like this fetish, I don't have anything against you. I don't want you to feel like I hate you because of this. We all have our little things that give us our little guilty pleasures. If you like this, that's fine. I may not understand it, but everyone is different and that's just fine. I understand that.
My problem is with this is, it's supposed to be arousing. That violence towards others is pleasurable. That hurting others is arousing. That's what bugs me the most. That's probably the fetish I don't understand the most. Sexual arousing by hurting others. I don't mind this as a story element or a level of evil or gore, but when it is supposed to be sexually appealing, that bugs me.
We are all lunatics at points in our lives. The thing about the writing you do, it appeals to people. People flock to them and enjoy that.
Yeah, it's like WonderFall. I hate MLU and rage about it and I want it to burn in hell. But Mykan wouldn't write (I hope) a scene that sexually assaults another character. And treats it like it is okay. That hurting others is acceptable and desirable.
I fear the day that I have to review My Little Slave. Don't know if you've ever heard of that one, but that one is a 70000 word story of WonderFall.
2522735
Oh sweet Jesus no!
You are a rock, my friend, a rock.
2523462
Thanks. Also, the review you requested about your... super long titled story will be posted on November 26th. You didn't think I forgot, did you?
2523514
You've corrupted me! I've been watching nothing but those videos since you mentioned them! They are hilarious!