On Breaking Someone's Heart

Never assume that you will ever actually be able to predict someone's immediate response to heartbreak... ever.

Earlier this week I probably did one of the hardest things I've ever done, I broke up with my... I suppose technically high-school-sweetheart. She never had any warnings... they were there but I, being a coward, waved them away with excuse after excuse. Until when I finally could work up the courage, it took getting drunk with my family the night before and talking about it no-holds-barred for probably an hour or two, as well as my sister joining me, so I wouldn't back out, to go to her house. I was a coward until the end.

Now, she was a very... excitable person, almost polar opposite to me, but in many ways we complimented for a while. Until I moved on. Moving a two hours drive away with no money of my own, relying on others to feed me, clothe me, give me gas money... it wasn't viable anymore. And at eighteen there's no reason why I should try, the logical choice was there, talked to death with several friends (about eight people overall). Emotions are a bitch though.

I walked in, it was probably horrible timing as not only was she at her grandparent's house (not a rare occurrence) but it was Sunday dinner... most of her family that I've come to respect and enjoy the company of over the last seventeen months were all there. It's going to be awkward for a while, but I've explained to her sister that hurting anyone was never my goal, I'm too nice really, there an extra five months there that was purely me leading her on trying to find any possible right time, they don't know that, it was completely out of the blue for everyone except her mother, and even she, I'm sure, was mostly surprised.

Walked past her entire family, she was in the back room, applying make-up. Sat down opposite her, and told her "So... I've been thinking. I don't feel mature enough to be in a relationship right now-"

There was more, always more, but at this point she stood up, had the coldest expression I had ever seen on her face, held out her hand and stated coolly, "Thanks for the memories," and walked out the door before I could say another word. Only on the other side of that door was her family, and she, not being able to hide something like this told them all, "I've just been dumped."

The shock was palpable, even in the next room. I don't really remember much, I guess I was too busy focusing on not crying, my sister said something about me having another ten years at least, they responded with their own replies. Until we started talking about an item exchange, my sister said it would be better to be done by mail. It's all a blur to me but the one fragment that still holds it place in my mind with crystal clarity is her grandmother, my second favorite behind her mother, stated, "Has it really come to this?" Maybe it was the way she said it... Maybe it was a million other things but her saying that will always stick with me, maybe the pain from remembering it will dull over time.

And at the end of the day... I can't get the analogy of shooting a puppy out, while it stares you in the eye with nothing but love, out of my head. Complete with a text from her sister, "You need to talk to [name omitted] about this. She is hurting and she doesn't know why." Maybe in the next few weeks I can get over my cowardice once more to talk to her about the more in-depth reasoning behind it.

tl;dr: I'm just making a big deal out of nothing... nothing in the long run at least. It doesn't change that this is the first person I've ever had to break up with.

Comments

[Hap]

Going through that stuff sucks, bro.

Unfortunately, that's a part of life. Part of the purpose of dating is learning how to deal with the awful stuff. I wish I'd learned that earlier.

Learn to talk through this stuff with people you trust. That's the only way to get through it.