A deliberately provocotive review of kudzuhaiku's "Blinded by the sun" by some faggot that's probably autistic and doesn't even into fanfiction. · 7:00pm Sep 7th, 2014
This is me being provocative.
Blinded by the sun by kudzuhaiku
Joking/not so sly digs aside I'll do my best to give a serious, brutally honest, ligitimate review using my unbiased opinion.... to the best of my abilities. Prepare to watch me repeat myself multiple times due to incompetence.
Lets not bother with that decent summary and jump right into the thick of it, the story is about an immortal lunar guard who gets completely rekt by nightmare moon then further abused by a misguided celestia, and hilariously so, to the point of begging to die and shitting himself after being force-fed rotting fish paste, because reasons.
So the story starts with celestia pretty fucked up by nightmare moon, who is in this fic a raving lunatic with tourettes and a habit of screaming every single sentence, nothing wrong there, that's a perfectly legitimate if a bit stale representation of the character. Then enter 'Coronach', a freakishly large brute of a stallion that comes out of fucking nowhere and saves the day by body tackling nightmare moon, who proceeds to smash him into a pillar, drop the pillar onto him then leave him impaled onto a wrought iron fence. Awesome. Except this isn't played for laughs and is intended to get the reader to actually feel for the character, which I feel is poorly done for several reasons.
As the scenes progress it becomes pretty apparent that both Celestia, nightmare moon and the gary-st-... Coronach are all actually cardboard cutout caricatures driven (in my worthless opinion) neither by character or to advance the plot, but in all honesty it all feels very much a masturbatory fanfic for the author, with Coronach being the mouthpeice used to give the blowjob and Celestia as the shitty pornstar they hired from behind some tacobell at midnight who provides the supporting role.
It feels like kudzuhaiku is telling the reader what to feel and think rather than guiding them to come to that emotional conclusion on their own, as a result I find myself caring very little for the possible self insert of a character. Perhaps being crippled is something kudzuhaiku relates to very well, and who expects (or even demands) us to relate and feel for the character as he does, i don't know, I can't pretend to know what he's thinking, because I really don't.
That being said although I find the story very stale up till this point I do enjoy how the fic progresses, with Coronach being slapped around some more then impaled upon a flag pole in what I assume was an attempt to create sympathy in the reader. He immediately afterwards begs for death:
“Kill me,” Coronach rasped, blood flowing from his lips. He hung, head downwards, his backside pointing skywards.
Celestia gagged at the sight, and, unable to keep looking, turned away. “I can not,” she murmured, her heart breaking, realising she could not deal any more death this night, even if it was mercy.
At the risk of repeating myself again (possibly) this all feels very wooden and scripted, the characters don't seem to have any realistic motivations for their actions even though we're told explicitly why they're doing it, it just doesn't seem reasonable. perhaps kudzuhaiku would have been better showing rather than telling and letting the reader come to his/her own conclusion that made better sense in their heads.
She carefully teleported Coronach’s body off of the flagpole and gently cradled him in her magic, swearing silently that Nightmare Moon’s rampage would not claim this noble guard pony’s life.
Moments later, she suffered the horrifying realisation that Coronach was a creature of shadow, and she would not be able to heal him with her magic.
Celestia wept bitter tears.
Here is your opinion on the matter have a nice day.
Anywho chapter two has Coronach bandaged up, blind and disabled in every way, for some reason (obviously to create sympathy and angst in the reader, see what I mean about a complete and utter lack of character driven narrative) Celestia has decided to force feed possibly rotting fish paste to a beyond fatally wounded herbivore either because he's attempting passive suicide or because he disobeyed a direct order, not really clear which is the case.
4edgy8me m80.
Anywho celestia acts in a hilariously sociopathic manner, and is shown to do so through her actions yet kudzuhaiku TELLS the reader that contrary to her motions Celestia is actually extremely sypathetic and feels horrible about the entire ordeal, she then breaks his muzzle force feeding him punishment fish paste (in a botched attempt to stop him from breathing... for literally several minuets 
).
“I hate you,” he gasped.
Celestia was at a complete loss for how to respond. Nopony had ever said that, other than Luna. A few griffons had, a dragon or two, but in general, ponies were far too afraid to ever utter those words. And those words stung Celestia discovered. She found herself recoiling away from the guard as his harsh words.
How fucking valiant, he's really important.
He breaks down sobbing and tells her he haters her, wherein shortly after it is revealed he was holding in a massive shit which then plops out all over the bedpan:
She readed the spoon, preparing to begin this process again, when there was a distinct sound of running water, followed by a few wet sounding splats. Coronach whimpered once again, his nostrils flaring, and Celestia realized that something had fallen into the wide basin located below Coronach’s backside.
HAHAHAHA- ahem.
Celestia came to the painful conclusion that he had probably been holding it this whole time, waiting for her to leave, and her torturous feeding had eroded his ability to hold back. Even in this state, the guard had clung to his dignity, never saying anything, never speaking of his need, just holding back and hoping he could endure.
Pretty comical.
“You will need to be cleaned so the skin does not fester and turn ulcerous,” she whispered, realizing all too well that she was about to inflict even more hurt and humiliation upon one who had served her so selflessly, so faithfully. She burned with ignominy and humiliation.
What was obviously a serious attempt to create angst/ hurt comfort backfires spectacularly (at least for me anyways), and I find myself genuinely enjoying the fanfic, aving a giggle at this wooden characters hilariously edgy and forced pain and suffering. Is it not a fanfics purpose to entertain? I gotta say that although ironically so this fanfic is definitely pretty entertaining in it's own way, kudzuhaiku should add a comedy tag. It's obvious whats meant to be going on, because again kudzuhaiku explicitly tells the reader what they're supposed to feel despite celestias outward actions completely contradicting her inner thoughts and feelings, because the characterization and the cliche attempts to get the reader to feel sympathetic are handled so overwhelmingly badly, this serious attempt at a angst/hurt comfort fanfic actually becomes pretty damn comical.
And to that I have to say:
It was genuinely entertaining if in completely the opposite way as it was intended to, but entertain it did. There's not really much else to say at this point, the fanfic continues with it's cupcakes tier edge, with Coronach’s darling offspring being turned against him, everyone being generally abuse to comedic effect ect ect. In conclusion this is a masturbatory fanfic designed to stroke kudzuhaiku's gary-stu cripple boner, in a purely narrative sense it's very much on the same level as these HiE fanfics written by 12 year olds and the bad ones at that.
The sentence structure and spelling were pretty good I guess.
6.5/10
Not bad, not good (because it failed where it counted), but still very entertaining.
Would read again for shiggles.
And as for why it's provocative, it's very hard not to be when dealing with a guy that views constructive criticisms or downvotes as trolling by morons. i expect him to make a comment about my intelligence and also my use of the word autism if indeed he even takes notice.
I hope you can use this to better your writing if indeed you are reading this. Then again what do I know about writing. So long as you had fun man, it's a fun pass time, you shouldn't get so worked up over it. Chill.
holy shit, wrath-kun
you hold a surprising amount of wit behind that autistic exterior
if you only could apply it to actual writing
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Finally something school taught me that actually came in handy... Once.
T-thank you zel-s-senipai
Yup, this pretty much sums up my opinion of how Kudzu writes. Now I kinda want to read that story just to experience its badness.
Being honest mate I would be cautious of who you give feed back to, never know when they might go crying to a friend who could be a mod. I think a couple guys have been banned already for that.
I lol'd at the 4edgy8me m80
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I actually don't think he's seen it yet, please go tell him about it. Because I am a lonely, lonely neckbeard and that is my fetish.
Also yes probably, it's a little sad actually.