Sep
7th
2014
Suffering through the Feature box is a thing now. · 5:59pm Sep 7th, 2014
I just found out Rainbow Bob is doing it, starting from last week. (I was moderately chewed, impaled, acid-etched, and tossed into the nearest sewer. But it was all done with caring and a light degree of aplomb, which was probably about all I could have asked for.) So with the spreading trend in mind, at-least-one-member-here-if-we-count-me may be wondering if I'm going to take the thing on any time soon/ever. Given that, I'd like to settle the question immediately, as follows:
No.
@#$$ no.
@#$% @#$^ !@#$%^ing @!#$@ of a @!#$%!# no.
Additionally, !!!!!
I hope this clears everything up. Thank you.
And now stay tuned for five hundred words of rebuttal concerning how the blog entry ran on too long. 
Why do we need anyone but John Perry taking on the feature box?
2435178
Because to date, when it comes to taking the monster out of the fight with every jab, uppercut, and right hook he possesses, the best he's managed is a briefly-staggered two-count before the beast gets off the mat and starts throwing haymakers again? You and I know it can't be killed, tamed, taught basic civility, trained not to bite sections of ear off, or trusted with a Twitter account, but there's this theory that if seven hundred people jumped into the ring at the same time, we could --
-- make the thing collapse under us, fall to the concrete, and break our legs while the Feature Box clung to the ropes and laughed.
But, y'know, seven hundred people in a hospital wing being treated for broken legs at the same time, we might have a few laughs...
2435191
I wish my comments were as funny as yours.
Your brain and peace of mind are probably thanking you right about now :-P
2435203
Neither one should relax just yet. I was actually thinking that if someone was looking for an even harder challenge, they could just take the first ten postings in the New Stories section and work through those. No assurance of popularity, no hope of getting any given cross-section of authors -- pure random draw.
It would definitely be a challenge.
For someone who isn't me.
2435215
...actually, I was thinking of a different review style: browse all stories in order of rating, then go to the last page and see what's last.
What I've seen so far is...odd. Those stories aren't even bad or harmful anymore, they're more like...computer programs desperately trying to pass the Turing test and not quite succeeding.
Plus Pinkie Pie's name being misspelled, members of the mane six having a personality completely inverted from canon, and Discord turning to stone because he got shot in the head.
It's like seeing fractals. They don't mean anything, but they look kinda pretty.
2435236
I should mention I once saw a guy analyze TIMECUBE* and turn it into a coherent, well reason argument with poetic undertones.
*http://www.timecube.com/
I honestly hadn't even considered the possibility of you reviewing featured stories. Frankly, I'm glad you aren't. After all, when's the last time John Perry updated a story?
...
Huh. Looks like June 22nd. Still, that's one bandwagon that needs no further occupants.
2435239
And for all his efforts, the only thing he accomplished was to prove himself stupid and evil.
The final page of the ratings sort sounds like a Lovecraft setup. You spend three pages examining the banality of it all, and then your sanity goes bye-bye.
2435281
Well, it was written by a madman, sooo...
In all seriousness, I've heard rumors that the guy behind TIMECUBE had schizophrenia. Which kinda explains things, at least.
Every now and then, there's something interesting in the feature box. Most of the time, there isn't. Sometimes, there's something I end up downvoting on principle.
...
...
You do realize that professional dominants will inflict a much higher quality of pain on you than trying to do this kind of thing? And, it's actual human contact, unlike many of these stories. I swear, they have to be some kind of bizarre form of Turning Test-try to create a "readable" story based upon TV Tropes memes.