Let's Look at To Thaw My Cold Heart's Chapter 2 · 12:58pm Sep 7th, 2014
Why chapter 2? Well, the parasprite's already done the description and Chapter 1 here.
As of now, the story itself has been deleted. I'm keeping this here, though. Just for posterity. It's still in another website from what I read in the writer's userpage.
Well, here I am. Standing in a room almost-naked with god knows how many mares and an oblivious filly.
I'm glad that they aren't guys, because that would just make it even more awkward. Well, atleast I can show off the muscles I've finally cultivated on my body from my excessive working.
Hey, I'm a guy, and guys have the regular need to show off, no matter how geeky or brute they are.
I'm totally straight, yo!
The sheer sexual insecurity of the protagonist is easily the most hilarious thing in this story. In the previous chapter, there was nothing in the way he interacted with Apple Bloom that suggested anything sexual, but he quickly pointed out that he wasn't a pedophile. In this chapter, nothing suggested that he was homosexual, but he has to point out that he'd be more uncomfortable in a roomful of dicks.
"Well? Are you going to do the massage or what?" I asked as I threw my trousers in a pile where my other clothes were. Aloe came forward and pointed at my underwear.
"Um...could you remove these too?"
Nope.
Not in hell.
"No." I replied sternly.
"I-it's the rules. We need to have access to...all...of your...body."
I'd never expect to see a perverted talking pony. Yet here I am, stripping myself naked for their entertainment.
That's not how massages work. You're allowed to keep your underwear if you're that uncomfortable. And no, they're not asking you to strip for their entertainment, they're asking you to strip so they massage you. I guess a dick massage is part of the package.
"Either you take me like this, Or I'm leaving."
"I'd love for you to take me..." Aloe whispered.
"What?"
"Uh-nothing! let's just get on with it shall we?".
Isn't that cute, she wants to fuck him. Wait...wasn't all of Konoha-- I mean Ponyville supposed to hate you because you're a disgusting hairless ape who looks like a diamond dog? Remember that detail?
Due to the massage table being to short for me, I opted to combine two together, their ends connecting, so that the headrest's are on opposite ends. I got on as the others did. Rarity was on my left whilst Applebloom was on my right.
Why would your reader give a fuck about how you got a massage table together? This is just useless padding. Get on with the story.
"Rah, are ya gonna take that white thing off you when we get in the bubbly tub?" Applebloom asked.
Shit.
I didn't intend on bringing spare clothes, nor can I run back to to get them. If I was going to go into the 'bubbly tub' I'd have to remove my underwear, because I'm definitely not going to get them soggy.
Let's just say that, I'm still a guy, and guys can get aroused, and if anyone was to see that on my trousers while I didn't wear my underwear, I'd probably commit suicide right then and there.
Ah, now we get to the heart-stopping dilemma of this chapter. How will our intrepid hero hide his boner from all these mares? It's becoming more and more obvious that the author has his wires crossed when it comes to managing summary and detailing. He glosses over important events like the whole Elder Dragon incident and spends so much time on useless shit like this.
"Dear god...this is amazing." I said.
"That seems like a rather short message to Celestia." Twilight giggled.
This needed to be introduced and elaborated on earlier. I would have been much happier reading about the godhood of Princess Celestia in this version of Equestria over whether you were about to introduce Apple Bloom to your boner.
All the mares in the room seemed to stop dead in their tracks apart from Aloe as I finished my line. Crimson tinges entered their faces as I happily enjoyed the pleasure that Aloe gave me. Oh, right. I forgot that metaphors don't exist in this world.
Happily enjoyed is redundant. And how can metaphors not exist in Equestria? Applejack throws apple-related metaphors at every possible turn among other things. That word may not mean what you think it means.
Rarity led us to a few more doors as we entered a large room. The walls were paved in teal tiles which a gargantuan tub stood in the middles of the room. There were towels in glass covers that protected them getting moist. The glass cases were on one side of the teal room as the steam polluted the air.
She led you to some doors while entering a room...what the fuck does that mean? If you're entering a large room, then you're not being led to doors, you're being led through them, and that's not supposed to be simultaneous. You can't pave walls. You probably mean while, not which. How can a room have several middles? And what kind of steam is that if it's polluting the air? Is this a gas chamber? That explains all the hospitality from the ponies that supposedly hate you. They were about to gas you. They even disguised the chamber as a bath.
"That is one big bathtub." Rainbow said.
"Not as big as your flank." I said.
"Buck you."
"Oh, so now you want to fuck me?"
"N-no! I said buck! BUCK!"
"Fuck? FUCK?" I held out my hands to my left ear as I imitated an old man.
"Let's go in the tub for Celestia's sake!" Rainbow groaned.
How old is this guy? And I mean that too. We're never told his age. He never describes himself or says where he's from besides saying he's ripped. I can only guess that he's, at least, an adult. Even though he's acting like an idiotic ten year old here.
This is typical Rumiko Takahashi bullshit. The reader gets hammered with repeated scenes of these characters bickering like school children and we're supposed to think that they're each other's one twoo wuv. We can expect some Raijin and Rainbow Dash fucking somewhere down the line now because that's what relationships are built on! Fuck shit like mutual respect and enjoying each other's company. Mild annoyance and petty squabbles are what brings hearts together.
"RAH! Stop acting like ah foal and spewing out that foul language! Applebloom is here ya know!" Applejack glared at me.
It's Apple Bloom. You should know, you've been using that spelling from the beginning.
I was contemplating on whether to remove my underwear or not. A barrage of answers expelled from the mares in the tub.
"Oh come on Rai, we're all naked in here!"
"I'll give you a cupcake in here if you take it off!"
"I-I don't mind if you take it off Rai. Do as you please."
"Ya better leave dem 'underwear' right on ya. I don't want yah moving around whacking ya stallionhood all over tha place under tha Jacuzzi."
"I can think of a spell to create a barrier around it so we can't see it! But that'd be a waste. "
"Keep the bucking pants on, I don't want you touching my friends with whatever you've got down there."
"Rah, you can take dem pants off if ya want! ah promise ah won't look!"
Brony fantasy right here. A bunch of mares utterly fixated on your dick. Even though the stallions are just as naked as the mares everyday. And throw some dialogue tags in there, even if we can guess who's talking. Add some action too so we don't have a bunch of floating heads in a tub waiting for your mighty human cock.
A chorus of cheers and grunts came from the 7 ponies as I approached the glass cases. "Look away, now." I glared at them. Obediently, they acted upon my words as they turned their backs to me, fits of giggling escaped as I quickly swapped my underwear for the towel.
Hooray! Hooray! Dick! D-I-C-K, Dick! Also, ridiculously redundant way of describing their actions.
"Oh! Rai. Your towel seems a bit...loose."
I'm on to you. Purple slut. Frankly, I'm surprised that you are acting like this, despite my assumptions of you. Twilight's horn glowed as a purple aura surrounded my front, layering the top of my towel and coincidentally where my genitals were.
"I can do it myself. Thank you very much." I growled.
"Nonono, leave it to me."
I felt her magic grip me again as it tightened my towel to my hips until it felt slightly painful. What I didn't notice was the acute rubbing sensation that was happening on my member.And, just like a normal sex-crazed organ, it began to get aroused.
Very aroused.
I soon noticed my soon-to-be raging erection as I looked down. I looked at Twilight again who had a sly smile on her face. I'm so going to get you back in the future. I sprinted towards the pool-I mean Jacuzzi as I tried to think of anything that could kill my erection.
Look, if she's so desperate to catch an eyeful then just show her your damn dick. You're making a big deal out of nothing here. This is half the fucking chapter, just this guy worrying about his boner. Why do you need to dedicate half a chapter to a boner? The plot is so fucking slight you can barely make newspaper comic strip out of it and you've smashed it out into several thousand words.
"I'M NOT A DAMN STALLION!" Dash screamed as she lunged at me, her body slapped on mine as we quickly sunk like a stone in the teal water.
Teal water? What the fuck are you bathing in, laundry soap?
Bubbles exited out of Rainbow's mouth as she screamed, eyes glaring daggers at mine.
Try to imagine this scene. Rainbow Dash is managing to both scream in a panic while glaring at you. It's a pretty bizarre sight.
I laughed breathlessly as her hooves slowly reached to my neck. Obviously she wouldn't kill me in here without choking me to death, which I doubt she'll do. She might choke me until I lose consciousness, but never further than that. We may hate each other, but we're still friends.
Because that's what Rainbow Dash does. She strangles her friends to unconsciousness. What's a little near-death experience between friends, right? Ridiculously over-elaborate explanation here too.
Suddenly, I realised that I released the majority of my oxygen in one fell swoop due to my laughing. Rainbow must've done the same thing as her hooves softly gripped my neck and pushed me down, it didn't feel like she was choking me, no.
That's not how laughing works. Or breathing in general.
"Dash! What the fuck are you doing! You're dragging both of us down!"
"Rai! Help! I don't want to drown! I can't swim!"
"Then quit pushing me down so I can help you out!"
"Hurry! I'm losing my breath!"
"You're not the only one dumbass."
These idiots are drowning in a tub. Let me repeat that. They're drowning in a tub while surrounded by their friends.
My hands gripped tighter on the base of her wing and her cutie mark as I furiously flapped my legs towards the water.
You're in the water. How can you be flapping your legs towards it as well?
I tried to help Rainbow as best as I could.
But it wasn't enough, Rainbow dash was scrunching up her muzzle in pain, she must have used up all of her oxygen.
She was going to drown before we would make it.
You're in a fucking tub. I don't care if you described it as a big tub. It's an indoor tub for a Jacuzzi. It's designed for people to just sit around in, not practice their butterfly stroke.
Without answering, I crashed my lips to hers as I shared what little oxygen I had to keep her from drowning for a while. Her lips...they felt, soft. Despite my assumptions about that technicolored bitch, she really wasn't as tough as I actually assumed. She sucked the air out of my mouth rather brashly as she pressed her lips deeper against mine.
"Quit hogging the air!"
"Why the buck did you kiss me?"
"Why the fuck are you pressing your lips against mine!"
"Answer my question first!"
"It was either that or let you drown. And frankly, I don't want an unconscious mare in my arms when we surface. The others might get the wrong idea."
"...Your hand's are on my wings and my flank..."
That was fast. And incredibly dumb. Usually it takes multiple episodes of emotional abuse before a Takahashi couple starts mashing lips. You should at least wait until your reader is just so exasperated by all the fake "sexual tension" that they've stopped giving a shit. Then, you seal the deal. Again, they're in a tub, not the middle of the goddamn ocean.
"If you two weren't rutting, then why are you holding her like that Rai?" Rarity said, a smug grin on her face showing.
Ahahaha...she's next to Apple Bloom. Pure class there, Rarity.
Good God, this chapter was bullshit. Thousands of words dedicated to stupid spa incident, when the main thrust of the story: the sealing of the Elder Dragon is only given passing mention. You just killed whatever momentum or atmosphere you were trying to build in chapter one. Even if a poorly conceived romance with Rainbow Dash was integral to the story, you could have added it in while moving the story forward, not while aimlessly meandering in this hot spring scene. Yeah, that's what this is. It's a stereotypical anime hot spring episode.
You, sir, are a brave man.
As is para.
May you both transcend to a higher plane of existence for putting yourselves through this, so we didn't have to.
Drowning in a tub surrounded by their friends and talking at the same time, while out of breath.
Onsen, to be more culturally accurate.
No mention of the absurdity of having a back-and-forth multi-staged conversation while having so little air that they're drowning? Or that they're conversing at all while underwater? Do they have radios attached to their faces? Are they telepathic? Am I just incredibly stupid and underwater conversation is a real thing that's perfectly normal and I've just never known? Did I just realize that attaching radios to your faces wouldn't actually help enable two-way underwater conversation without some form of water-repelling helmet?
Have you ever thought of writing your own MST3K story? You might be good at it.
Watching you and parasprite take apart this literary dredge was the funniest thing I've read all week. You are a braver man than most for willingly subjecting yourself to such mental torture.
Why would you subject yourself to this utter dreck?
I couldn't even read the quotes it was that bad.
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Actually, it is telepathy. I should have also pointed that out.
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It is telepathy? As in, it was the author's genuine intent that they developed telepathy? For my first sentence in this comments section that isn't a question, I would like to say that that's just silly.
You know a stories shit when someone who watches purely ecchi harem anime groans, which is exactly what my friend did when I showed him this journal, and his favorite show is kissXsis for god sake. Your going to damage our brain reading this stuff visden, we can't let that happen!
I suppose I should thank you for pointing me in the direction of para's blog. That shit was hilarious.