Twelve thoughts on the National Football League's opening night. · 6:14pm Sep 4th, 2014
* The difference between 'loyal, downtrodden fan of a long-suffering franchise, only still in it out of love' and 'total egomaniac who believes the entire sport exists solely to heap accolades and trophies on his chosen few' is about two playoff wins.
* It's a pity none of the Thanksgiving games are being held in London, as the matchups we're already providing the UK make it obvious that we're trying to force them into paying for turkeys.
* If the Internet had existed in 1947 to greet Jackie Robinson, every comments section would have been filled with thousands of angry posters demanding to know why every article had to mention his skin hue, or even admit that he existed at all because no real fan ever needs to hear about that sort of thing, and if it's so important for him to play, then why can't he just stay in a league with the rest of his kind... So for Michael Sam: the only things which have truly changed are the medium in which people vent their hate and the speed at which it spreads. (Dear gawds, let him live through Dallas...)
* We are a nation of hypocrites. We listen to the screams about player safety and then we entertain the thought of expanding the regular season and playoffs, subjecting the athletes to that many more opportunities to destroy themselves. We are perfectly aware of the toll this sport takes on the human body and only choose to recognize it two decades after retirement -- for careers which are lucky to run four years. We decry the brutality, scream for penalties, and then openly cheer the most bone-rattling tackles. Hooray, us. We are hypocrites -- but at least we own it.
* I have dear hopes that one day, Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless will come into physical contact and mutually annihilate each other. It may not save the world, but it'll do endless good for public sanity, not to mention wear and tear on mute buttons everywhere.
* Why pin any part of your personal identity on any kind of sports team? Validation when they do well? An outlet for self-torture when they don't? With so many, it's the agony of tradition: our parents taught us to do this, their parents taught them -- and so we take our agonies without question. Would we be happier without? Quite often. But there are times when we're happier with, and those rare moments can be as close to a eight-million-member group hug as any one of us might ever experience.
* Ultimately, the league wants one thing: your money. Pretty much all of it. The only difference between the NFL and, say, FIFA, is that at least they pretend to ask for your purse instead of just yanking it off your shoulder and saying "Excuse me? This was never yours. I was just letting you hold it for me. Now, there's a $4,000 Honor Of Holding It For Me License. Hand it over."
* Tom Boswell once said the human head was at least two eyes short for watching the forward pass. Imagine the requirements for throwing or catching one.
* Fantasy football basically gives its participants the chance to personally choose the person who's going to make their life miserable that week. In that sense, it can be seen as a substitute for dating.
* You could say many things about a sport which, until recently, had a four-game suspension as punishment for using a certain pain reliever versus a two-game version for inflicting pain on others. I dearly wish people had said every last one of them well before this.
* I don't bet on football or any other sport. I refuse to wager on anything where human interaction is a factor, because a fixed set of odds will at least deliver some of the time and those @#$% humans are capable of just about anything. But I have been part of a free suicide pool. No entry fee, no prize but very minor bragging rights. Suicide pool, you might ask? It's like a survival pool: you pick one matchup per week for the entire season, no repeats -- and the instant you miss one pick, you're gone. The only difference is that you're picking the loser. At least it's a little less painful when your own team sends you out...
* Bill Belichick is the perfect representative of his sport. No personal connections. No caring about his players, fans, or anything else. When something stops working, throw it away: next man up. The only loyalty is to the win. An absolutely perfect example of what a football coach should be.
I wish certain other people would understand how sad that is.
As a loyal fan of the Detroit Lions, I can add one more point: the sure and certain knowledge that whoever they put on the field, THEY WILL LOSE, but they will do so in an entertaining way, usually in the last quarter.
Nobody can top our record of most losses in a season.
2427531
Not until -- I could have said 'unless', but Goodell -- they expand the regular season. And until then, that record can be tied -- plus you should never forget the original Buccaneers: you've got to be special to lose twenty-six in a row. Special and borderline-suicidal.
So -- didja get your official Owen #16 jersey before the No Fun League slammed the gate?
Every single Lions fan I know is like this. It's like the old Red Sox anti-karma had to go somewhere.
2427558
No, no jerseys.
While you have a good point about the Buccaneers, they were sn expansion team when that streak happened. The Lions are consistently bad.
2427589
You know you're a Lions fan when you have a minor nervous breakdown upon hearing 'paycheck' and 'Matt Millen' in the same sentence.
I never used to care about sports. Then I started watching the NWSL and now I can't stop.
I see these words, but all I can comprehend of them is "I'm pretentious." Then again I'm about four drinks in. No offense.
As for me, I don't really follow pro football. College football is way more fun. But my life sucks because I'm from Arkansas, and those Razorbacks are just perpetual cockteases, getting our hopes up and then disappointing season after season.
2427732
I'm just gonna whistle a few bars of 'Let the punishment fit the crime' and call it even.
2427531 So you're the only one left. I was wondering about that.
Go Redskins!
2427732
I got nothing against Arkansas players or fans, but watching Bielema fail gives me a gentle chuckle every time.
2427849
Don't you mean 'Go Washington Professional Football Team To Be Named Later'?
2427876
I'm still not over us losing Petrino. That guy was a scumbag but god damn did he get the wins. If you've never been to Arkansas, we're some of the most invested college football fans with inferiority complexes in the nation. I know I'd sell my soul for a national championship, so, no surprise that UA tried to.
2427904
But he was your scumbag, right? And you have to admit, getting fired because you crashed your motorcycle while riding with the graduate assistant you were sleeping with has a certain horrible style.
2427915
No shit, right before that happened he signed a contract extension with a multimillion dollar buyout for like seven years. The whole state was thinking we were going to set up a new dynasty under the benevolent dictatorship of our own personal Les Miles. (He's good but he ain't no Nick Saban.) My heart was shattered.
The only person you mentioned who I've heard of is Jackie Robinson.
Most of my football knowledge comes from Pop, by Gordon Korman. That was worth a sad when I was young. Especially now with what's happened to Pratchett.
Remember when people used to say "+1"? This rates at least a +12.