Critique Review: Poncho Chronicles II: South Beach · 4:40pm Sep 3rd, 2014
Warning: This review contains graphic violence, gore and explicit language. Viewer discretion is advised.
… I quitting… I’m not doing this anymore…
Sir, what is wrong?
I’m done. I’m not doing this anymore.
Okay, then.
Not even going to try and stop me, huh?
It is not like you are being forced. You could stop whenever you would like. But why now of all times? Was it because of last week?
No, that’s not it. It’s about what I’m supposed to review for this month.
What is so dreadful about this month?
It’s September.
What is so dreadful about September?
It’s Sequel September.
What is Sequel September?
It’s the time of year where I go back and look at the shitty ass sequels to fan fics I didn’t like in the first place.
Who knows? Maybe the sequel will prove to be a Spider-Man 2? A sequel that is better than the original.
Or more likely, it will be like Sharknado 2. A stupid ass sequel to a stupid ass story!
Nopony is forcing you to review sequels. You can review whatever you want.
No, I have to do this. September is the only month of the year that starts with ‘s’ and I’m too lazy to open up my Thesaurus.
So, what’s the first sequel I need to revi-
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Not that one!
Ugh… for those of you who don’t remember my first review of the Poncho Chronicles, let me recap it.
Poncho and his group of friends, including the main six for some odd reason, get lost in a forest where they are chased by a group of villains known as The Beans. The main characters’ personalities are that they like to smoke weed and that they curse worse than me on a Mykan story.
Poncho, despite being the title character, actually does very little in this story, but whine and complain.
A mysterious magic shifts our heroes’ personality to fit the story’s needs, as seen with Spike, who is apparently a druggy. Also, this magic prevents pegasi from flying and unicorns from using magic. And no, it’s never explained what this magic is.
After several of the characters being murdered, the group finds the leader of the group named Charles, who puts some of them into a gladiator arena. After several more characters die, they use Charles’s confusing as fuck staff of time-travel that makes the science on Doctor Who easier to follow by comparison, to bring every character back to life and erasing the events of the first story. Making it a complete waste of time.
So, let’s dig into The Poncho Chronicles II: South Beach and see if Poncho plays bigger part in this story than the last one.
Our story opens where the last one left off, with our characters making it to South Beach and the first line of dialogue reminding me of how much I hate this series.
“South Beach? Fuckin’ awesome, there’s gotta be weed everywhere, knowing how close we are to Cuba and shit!” said Wahlburn happily
It kind of makes me wonder what kind of drugs the author was on when he wrote this.
Anyway, they make it to South Beach and like the first story, the bus breaks down, so they are stuck here for a couple of days.
The words we will be writing on the gravestone of the bus.
A flash of excitement erupted on everyone's face. Cannon looked back at the others. “At least there’s shit to do here, unlike the west coast.
Hey! We’ve got plenty of cool things to do on the west coast! Like Disneyland!
And better yet, there has to be plenty of gay bars for Jeb and Poncho.” Cannon laughed while both Jeb and Poncho shook their heads in disappointment.
"That's not even funny," said Jeb. "Others are going to call you a douche for saying stuff like that."
What a great nickname for a character that totally deserves it. Keep track everyone, Cannon is now officially ‘Douche’
So they all agree to pitch in and spend the night at a hotel. Meanwhile, Druggie and Spike decide to go into town to get some product. Look, I wanted more Spike in my stories, but this is not what I had in mind! I can’t even call this character Spike, since he acts nothing like Spike in the canon, I’m calling him Sludge, Spike’s failure cousin.
They walk up to a shady character in an alleyway.
“Do you have any....products for sale?” asked Spike looking around suspiciously.
Shady Character: Oh, I sell lots of products. What are you looking for?
Something for my moustache.
Shady Character: Your moustache?
… What? Not all my jokes can be good.
My question is, when do you start?
Walked into that one, didn’t I?
Anyway, they purchase their weed, but the dealer stops them asking them if they want to buy something called ‘bath salt’. He says that it’s like cocaine, but worse.
Of course, Sludge and Druggie can’t wait to get their hooves/claws on it and they want to try it out. However, they decide that they don’t have the money for it, so they decide to stick with the grass. There is a reason this pisses me off, but I’ll go into details with that the further into the story we go.
Sludge and Druggie make it back to the rest of the group and decide to make their way to a beach house. They decided that they can afford 6 rooms, Jesus, how much money are they carrying around? So they decide that they have to double up in some of the rooms.
“Well, we know Jeb is with Applejack
I hope Applejack goes Apple bucking on his well deserving ass after the stunt he pulled six months ago.
"Bitch, are you kidding me,” said Jeb, coughing up blood. “I was just trying to run past you and get to the rest of the group. I was leaving you to die!" he shouted.
Yeah, I’m still pissed off at that. This scene could have worked better if we had gotten to know Jeb and know that this is how he would have responded. Instead, we don’t know anything about him, because we don’t get to spend time with him. We don’t see this coming because we don’t see the relationship, be it good or bad, with Applejack. We don’t see them interacting. And that doesn’t make this scene funny. It makes it stupid.
But I’m getting off track here; they get to the hotel in 5 minutes (pretty quick for a group of ponies who say they’ve never been to South Beach before) and manage to pick out the rest of the rooming situation.
“I’ll room with you, Twilight...” said Fluttershy in her usual quiet toned voice.
“Alright, anyone else want to room with us?”
Oh, yes. I would love to room with you two.
Down, boy
What? I’m just trying to show the best aspects of Ponyville. The unification of Earth Ponies, Pegasi, and Unicorns.
“Fine, Poncho you’re joining us because no one else will.”
Damn lucky bastard!
So they decide who will bunk with whom and make their way to the front counter.
an elegant pony wearing a uniform with the colors of the hotel strode behind the check-in counter. He looked at some papers left on the counter and smacked his right hoof to his head in anger.
Hey, I’m reading this story in this story… while I’m reading this story… What if? … What if another me is reading this story? And this story, my story, is actually being read by another me?! What if by reading this story about me reading this story in this story, I’m creating a time paradox?!
Sir, unknown time fluctuations.
What does that mean?!
It is possible you have broken time and space.
How the fuck did I do that?!
*Suddenly, a big blue box appears in the middle of the room. A tall stallion in a bowtie appears from it, with a smile across his face.*
Hello.
*He waves a small metallic stick across the room, with a humming sound coming from it*
Who the fuck are you? How did you get in here? What is that? What are you doing in my house?
Did you want those in order? Or does it matter?
What? … Just answer the fucking questions!
You’re ruder than I remember.
Wait, we’ve met before?!
Well, not officially. Not yet. For me anyway. It’s confusing. I’d explain it, but it’d take all day, not that you would understand any of it anyway, and I’ve got a universe to save. Broken all of space and time, have you?
… Who the hell are you?!
In order then. I’m the Doctor. I traveled through space and time. That is the Tardis. And I’m here to save the universe. Oh and did I mention, I’m the Doctor.
*The Doctor looks down at the book.*
Ah, here we are. All you need to know is that this is not you in the story.
Sir, time is returning to normal.
Of course it is. Fixing stupid people’s mistakes are my specialty.
Stupid?! … Wait, if that’s all that was happening, how did I nearly break all of time and space?!
Good question. I’ll need to look into that. Anyway, got to go. Love to chat, but things to do and places to see.
Wait, you’re leaving? Just like that!
Oh, this is my pointless cameo for the week.
Pointless cameo?
Yes, I randomly show up to increase audience viewership even though I serve no purpose being there and then leave having no impact on the plot whatsoever. Like My Little Luna and Soren the Alicorn.
… Soren? Why does that story keep coming into my life?!
Lovely computer you have. Not quite as good as mine, but maybe someday.
*The Doctor steps back into his blue box and within seconds, the box disappears, leaving no trace.*
I like him.
Oh, look, I’m the Doctor, I’m amazing, blah, blah, blah!
I think somepony is jealous.
Let’s just get back to the story…
So, we find out that the stallion’s name is Still. … That’s a stupid name… And that he is the only one working at the hotel today. And here’s where the dialogue really starts to go downhill from here.
“Most rooms on the bottom few levels are a single doubled sized bed. As we go up, we start to add more room and bed, and of course price. However, the view from the top is rather grand so it’s preference really. Also, depending on your room selection, you will receive a pass for free food at the cafeteria for the duration of your stay with us.”
Patel ran down a list in his head and counted his party. “We need about six rooms near the top of the hotel as they all have two beds, if you don’t mind.
I would question how could the author make them all sound so unnatural, but let’s face it, none of these characters are natural to begin with. And that’s not a good thing!
“Great, can we get food now?” complained Rainbow Dash again.
Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention. Rainbow Dash, this whole time, has been complaining about getting something to eat.
but I’m hungry, we need to get something to eat,” said Rainbow Dash.
Now can we please get something to eat?” complained Rainbow Dash.
It’s actually kind of like a cheese grater on my brain.
So, they decide to go get a bite to eat in the cafeteria. When all of the sudden, the Hispanic stereotype walks in. Oh, good, this story needed one of those. Lord knows, the characters and story itself aren’t enough to piss me off!
So, the stallion asks them if they are residents of the hotel and then… starts adding random Spanish words in the middle of sentences. I mean, it’s actually accurate, but does it really need to be there? Oh, I know why it’s there, because we would have this bit of character development without it.
“He asked where the bathroom is.”
Cannon began to laugh. “No you dumbass! He asked how we are all doing! It's a basic phrase from the South Beach area!"
Poncho continues to show us how much of an idiot he is.
Poncho gave a chuckle, “they don’t call me the Foreign Language Master of our town for no reason!”
They also called you the funny one in the first story and yet nothing you have done so far has made me even chuckle. This story is dumb.
They ask the stranger what his name is and his response…
“Me llamo Fluffy Johnson.” He gave a wave goodbye and disappeared into the main lobby of the hotel.
Stop reminding me of other books I could be reading instead.
The next morning the group meets up for breakfast and decides what they want to do. Tyrone, who I am calling ‘Sheeeeeit’ or ‘Racially insensitive stereotype’ depending on how I feel, suggests watching basketball. Poncho, who was Dumbass in the first one, so he’s dumbass here, decides that watching basketball isn’t relaxing.
But the others give off a list of reasons why basketball is relaxing. And what are those reasons?
Cannon and Tyrone both went on saying examples on why basketball was indeed relaxing. After a few minutes of pointless banter, Poncho stood up.
Let it show… Let it show… Don’t tell me what’s going on… Yeah, I’m working on a song for later. Yeah, Frozen’s gotten to me too.
Anyway, Dumbass, after the guys’ oh so valid argument, still has no interest in watching basketball, instead preferring to go to the beach. I got to agree with Dumbass on this one. It’s not like you guys live near a beach and can go there every day, but you can’t watch basketball on Youtube or something.
And for those of you who think that point doesn’t make sense, in the first story, they had cellphones. Granted, they never used them, but at least they had them. So Youtube is not that far out.
This catches the attention of the girls, who all want to join Dumbass at the beach. You would think this would change everyone’s mind, but no they all decide that basketball is better than mares. And I thought Jeb was the only gay one. By the way, Jeb was going to be named the ‘Gay One’, but frankly that is an insult to every gay person I know. Instead, I’m going to call him ‘my bitch.’
What? It’s more appropriate than all the other names I had for him.
We cut to the guys watching their basketball game … at a stadium?! … Where the hell did they get the money to go see a professional basketball game?! I’m serious! There was never any mention of buy tickets beforehand, no indication that they somehow got tickets and no mention of it being a stadium game!
I thought that maybe I skipped a chapter, but no! They just suddenly have enough money to buy tickets, at the door, mind you, to a professional basketball game!
And aren’t they supposed to be on a budget?! They don’t have a lot of money! Or at least, that was the impression the story gave us! And they want to throw it away on a basketball game, when they should be using it to survive the trip home!
They go to the stadium and we get a cameo from Lebrony James. Not sure why, since he’s pretty pointless in this story.
The ball game is pretty much glanced over, which begs the questions if you were going to put this into the story, why the hell didn’t you bother to explain what the hell is going on in the game? And you basically bad mouth Lebrony James the entire time… Do you just hate Lebron? Is this some deeply rooted personal problem you have with him and you are writing about it to get it all out?
While I do applaud you for getting your anger out constructively, what the hell does this have to do with the story?!
But they see someone who they group happens to recognize. It turns out that the mysterious stallion is Xagreus!
It’s Xarlin, sir.
Whatever. It actually turns out that the person isn’t Xarlin, but is his twin brother who looks exactly like him Pharlin.
Stupidest name ever.
They confront Pharlin who asks about his brother. And the boys reveal that Xarlin is actually dead, even though that makes no sense because of the time staff of confusing as fuck powers that erased those events and technically that would mean Xarlin is back to life, but hell, what do I know about time travel?
Pharlin takes the news of his brother’s death pretty fucking well.
Without even thinking, Pharlin spouted, “Good, he had it coming. He was a douchebag to me anyways.”
Pharlin reveals that Xarlin ruined his childhood and what ways did he do that…
Pharlin: But big brother…
Xarlin: Shut up! You are going to watch Golden Girls and you are going to like it!
Pharlin: You’re tearing me apart, Xarlin!
The group lose track of time and it turns out the bus driver just left without any of his passengers. I would say that is a jackass move, but considering how unlikable the characters are, maybe the bus driver decided he couldn’t stand them anymore.
The group goes into an alley where they find…
“Hey look at those dudes screwing in that alley!”
Oh, Jesus Christ! It’s one of those fics!
No, actually it turns out that one of the stallions is as hungry as Rainbow Dash and prefers the other white meat.
After seeing the flesh eating stallion, the group decides to head back to the hotel to meet with the others.
They arrive at the cafeteria where they see …
The girls were sitting at another table to the left of Poncho, talking about something making most of them giggle.
Because… that’s what the main six do, I guess? They sit and talk and giggle. That’s all their personalities are! That’s the one note they’ve been given in this story! Good thing nopony would take offense to this, otherwise, this might be considered shallow.
The group tells the group about the cannibalism and…
I’m getting there…
So, they discuss for a bit about the event, not even bothering to call the cops on it, and then they go about their business by asking about the beach. I really doubt that Twilight and her friends would just ignore the fact that somepony was eating somepony else and go back to sitting and giggling like nothing happened. I think they’d feel obligated to do something about it.
But that’s the main six I know and love and so far they are nowhere to be found, just their sad excuse for replacements.
Fluffy asks Clyde, who I have yet to figure out a name for, so I’ll call him stupid for this one, about his feelings toward Rarity, who I called Stupid 9 in the last story, but I’m not going to call her that in this story. No, I have a much more appropriate name for her in this story. Bellowing Britney.
Douche asks if anything was wrong and we get this…
“Don’t worry, it wasn’t anything bad.”
Clyde smiled. “Good.” And they left it at that.
And what was the point of that scene? To reestablish that Stupid has feelings for Britney. Even though they have already shown that in this story and anyone who read the last story would already know that. Thanks for giving us that incredibly relevant scene!
That night, Dumbass finds out that he is having a hard time sleeping, so he goes up to grab a bite to eat. Only to find out that he wasn’t the only one who was hungry.
Dumbass gets attack by the zombie, but before he can get eaten, hopefully ending this story, Still comes in and saves him, killing the zombie.
Damnit! You have all these opportunities to kill him story, just take it already!
Still gathers his workers and tells them about the incident.
“Alright, my fellow workers, as you can see, a zombie, yes, a freaking zombie, attacked a resident and vandalized our hotel. We need to work together and fix the damage and make sure the hotel is safe. I want some of you to carry this, thing, outside and dump it somewhere. We want to make sure to keep this place a calm, safe, living space. It’s bad for business to have zombies about.”
Oh, yes. Let’s not do something sensible like calling the cops or something. We have to think of the reputation of our hotel during a zombie uprising. Where else will the Left 4 Dead games start?
Also, they are taking this zombie thing really fucking well. And I think it’s time that we finally address the elephant in the room.
This story is based on an event that happened called the ‘Miami Zombie Attack’, also known as the Miami Cannibal attack that occurred on May 26, 2012.
In said event, a man named Rudy Eugene striped himself nude and attacked a homeless man named Ronald Poppo. Poppo had his eye ripped out, causing him to be blind in both eyes. He also needed to have facial reconstructive surgery for the damage his face went through during the attack.
Poppo would have most likely died if not for a police officer who stopped Rudy Eugene.
So, yeah. This story is based off the pain of a homeless man who was a victim to an act of extreme violence. And the cause of the violence? Well, the investigation suggests that ‘bath salt’ may have been involved, but the autopsy reveals that only marijuana was in his system.
I’ve already gone over why I feel that real life events shouldn’t be used for your fan fiction in the Human of a Pony review and why it should be used lightly in storytelling period. So, I won’t rant about that again.
However, I will ask you this…
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ACTUAL ZOMBIES?!
I mean, dear lord, this event has nothing to do with actual zombies! Did you really need to feed off another person’s pain to win originality points?! Did you even know that this was a real event?! You couldn’t have. There is no way you could have known this was a real event!
My guess, you had one of your stupid friends tell you about this cool story they heard, they thought it was fake, you thought it was fake and wrote a story about it! There is no way you could have known this was real!
And now you know why this story pisses me off so much more than the other story! I don’t know Poppo personally, but I very much doubt he’d be okay with you writing about a terrible incident that he had to go through!
Okay, rant over…
Still goes over to Dumbass and tells him to not say a word about this to his friends. Dumbass being… well a dumbass … agrees not to telling everypony that zombies are attacking them.
Dumbass then rushes into everypony’s room and tells everypony about the zombies. Okay, points for Dumbass.
"Well you should know by now not to wake me up in such a matter, you sketched out fuckface." retorted Cannon.
"Wow,” said Poncho
I know, right? Cleary Douche wasn’t a strong enough name for him.
And then we get the part where I shake my head at the realism of this story.
You've got to be fucking kidding me..."
"No man! I'm totally s-"
"This is fucking awesome! Lets go kill some mother fuckers!" yelled Cannon.
…
I always dreamed about a zombie breakout,” said Patel grinning, “time to own some bitches.”
“Yeah brother!” yelled Wahlburn in excitement. “Who else is going to come with us?”
Who the hell sits around and dreams of a zombie apocalypse where everypony you love dies?! No wonder I can never connect to kids now-a-days, if all they want to do is run around and watch everyone die!
If this were a real situation, I would be out there trying to get as far away from these things as I could! Not actively hunting them down in the hopes of going out in a blaze of glory!
The guys decide to get the others, with the exception of Twilight and her friends, and gather supplies to fight the zombies. Dumbass decides that he wants nothing to do with it and goes back to his room to try and get some rest.
However, Dumbass wakes up and finds that the guys are now giving orders around to help prevent an angry mob trying to steal food from the hotel. I would ask why the angry mob is not storming a more sensible place with food, like a supermarket, or hell, even a fast food restaurant would make more sense, but since the story’s author doesn’t care about its substance, why should I?
The group makes three separate teams, one lead by ‘Sheeeeit!’, one by Applejack, and Stupid by the other.
They find some walkie talkies… which, I admit, is actually rather smart, since cellphone towers would most likely not be functional or reliable. Granted our author simply explains that…
Don't ask us why we aren't using cellular device. These are cooler. Anyway, we can use them to communicate with each other.”
I would call it dumb luck… Emphasis on the dumb.
And then we hear how much Patel is a jackass.
“We wanted to have you come with us, but we know how much you don’t give two flying fladoodles about zombies.” Patel grinned. “Besides, we also know how much you would want to stay behind to protect your b-, oops, I mean your special lady friend.”
… Frankly, I don’t normally want the zombies to win the apocalypse. But in this case, I would not be shedding any tears if the zombies won the war. I would be shedding tears if they lost the war. In a world filled with dumbasses like these, they deserve to be mercilessly ripped apart by savage, mindless beasts! Hell, the savage, mindless beasts are more likable than these characters! How the hell do you do that?! How the hell do you manage to make me care more about the zombies, who are supposed to be killing machines, than the actually pony characters?! It’s amazing! It’s fucking amazing!
If you think this is funny, than… you fail! You failed miserably! All hail the king of fail!
And just to solidify how much idiocy is in these characters, take a gander at this…
I had to at least tell you before I died just to piss you off one last time.” Clyde brushed past him and returned beside Tyrone and Applejack.
I hope you die by thousands of undead teeth clawing at your flesh. That would make my day.
The group starts to prepare to head out as Druggie gets his Trident ready that he received from their last adventure. Consistency? What’s that?!
The group heads to the front entrance where they find that the hotel has posted sentries to guard the doors. Because two sentries will be enough to stop a zombie horde, I guess.
At first, the sentries explain that nopony is allowed to leave, but the boys tell them that they need to get out to gather food for everyone.
The sentries are hesitant about the boys going out and getting killed. Why are you even considering it?! They are going to go out there and get themselves killed! … On second thought, let them go.
So, the sentries agree to let them go, but say that they can send back up if they need it. Yes, don’t stay behind and protect those in the defendable facility, to save a bunch of stupid ass kids.
The group goes into town where we get this insight…
“Man, it looks like a war happened in this place, not some zombie outbreak,” whispered Patel to the others as they slowly advanced through the streets.
Have you not read World War Z by Max Brooks? If you haven’t, you really should. At the very least, it’s better than this shit.
They manage to get to a convenient store where they see a group of zombies appear. Rather than fighting them, like they said they wanted to, they wuss out and decide it’s better to run to safety. Safety in a haze where they can’t see?
Well, zombies don’t need much eyesight, so they’re fucked.
They get to the supermarket and we get our unfunny group trying to be funny. It’s rather painful.
Holy shit, this place is huge!” exclaimed Wahlburn, “I guess that’s why they call it a super store!”
Patel turned around and looked at him. “Dude.”
“What?”
“That was probably the fucking stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my damn life. Say anything stupid like that again, and I swear I’ll punch you in the throat.” Patel kept his serious gaze towards him.
Like having a chainsaw rip off my limb. Or like watching Jar-Jar Binks doing standup.
Jar Jar Binks: My-sa marriage is on da wocks again. My-sa wife just broke up with her-sa boyfriend.
They run into Pharlin, who I guess made it this far, and the group decides to let him join, even though they know nothing about him. Oh, good, one more mouth to feed.
We cut back to the others, where they are doing just whatever the hell they please, as if nothing was wrong. Well, I say doing, but frankly the story is just telling us what they are doing rather than showing us any of it.
they debated about sports and famous athletes, a notable topic being LeBrony, how terrible he is, and the fact that he doesn’t deserve his championship or any future titles.
Jeb, along with most of the females in the group, were in charge of cooking.
Spike, Sticky, and Rivs made fun of Jeb the whole time and told him that he was really lame.
Frankly, I preferred it if he told me rather than showed me what’s going on. Showing would make this story longer.
The group sends Dumbass to the bottom staircase to guard it in case any zombies show up. However, the group really sent him down their so that they could eat the food the gang prepared for them, leaving him none left over.
And Dumbass continues to hang out with these guys? Remember, kids, if a group of people treat you poorly, insult you, and leave you to starve to death in the face of a deadly enemy, they are true, true friends.
Dumbass storms upstairs and starts yelling at his friends for their lack of respect. Finally, somepony with an actual brain, now the zombies won’t starve. The group tries to calm him down, but Dumbass is upset that he is doing the work while the others play basketball. Dumbass notices Bellowing Britney sit on her ass while the others members of the main six are working in the kitchen. (Because that’s totally all women are good for. Cooking and giggling. Wow, it’s a good thing that this isn’t sexist.)
Oh really?” Poncho turned to Rarity. “What did you have to do today?” Rarity looked at him confused and sad. She shook her head. “Huh? What’s that?”
“Nothing,” said Clyde, “she didn’t have to do anything. She didn’t want to do anything so I didn’t force her to.”
Wow, not pulling your weight, eh, Britney? It’s a good thing you’re not Rarity, otherwise, I might actually be pissed off about you butchering one of my favorite characters in the show.
This is especially humorous since YOU’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE AND YOU AREN’T FORCING HER TO HELP THE GROUP THAT SHE’S WITH! GOOD GOD, EVEN LORI FROM THE WALKING DEAD PULLED HER WEIGHT AND SHE WAS PREGENANT FOR MOST OF IT!
Dumbass gets mad about Britney’s apparent laziness and calls her what most of us have already called her, ‘a useless bitch.’
Stupid doesn’t take that well and attacks Dumbass.
Oh, good, maybe they’ll kill each other.
The group manages to pull them away from each other and Stupid says that he wants nothing to do with the group anymore. He leaves the hotel with Bellowing Britney following him. Ah, forced contrived loved, it makes the character you love do what you want them to. That’s a healthy relationship.
We then cut to ‘Gold Team’ where they are gathering supplies at the supermarket, which seems unlikely, since in panic everypony would rush over to the supermarket for supplies, probably leaving it bear, but hell, what do I know about zombie apocalypses?
“You shoulda came to our hotel, our friends are pretty much untouchable up there,” said Patel.
“Yeah, unless zombies just storm up that hotel and slaughter them one by one.” Cannon then gave a chuckle.
Oh, I so wish…
The group offer Pharlin a place in the group and tells him that once they have the supplies they need, they are heading back to the hotel.
They decide to stay at the supermarket for the night, without setting up any kind of defense. I think the characters have become self-aware and realize that they are in a crappy story and are trying to make sure that they can die at every chance they can, but the author never takes the opportunity to kill them… Wow, I want to read that story. At the very least, it’s a more interesting premise.
They hear something on the walkies and find out that Stupid and Bellowing Britney have abandoned the hotel. However, due to the static, they can’t make out what the two are saying.
We then cut to Stupid and Bellowing Britney who have taken to the roof of the hotel. Okay, if this plays out like it did in the Walking Dead where Rick handcuffs Merle to the rooftop, instead with Britney hoofcuffing Stupid, then I’ll start calling Bellowing Britney Rarity again.
Stupid says he’s taken precautions to protect Bellowing Britney and that she can have as much beauty sleep as she wants. Because during a zombie apocalypse, nothing is more important than your appearance. Next, you’ll be telling me that you will put Britney on your back while you’re getting chased by zombies, just so she can sleep. Why not? You’ve already done that in a previous story.
We cut back to ‘Gold Team’ where Pharlin decides to tell us what he was doing when the zombie apocalypse happened, it is utterly pointless and not interesting in the slightest.
The group runs into a group of zombies and Jackass manages to get pinned down by them.
He’s dead. He’s so dead. There is no way he’s getting out of this alive. And this story just …
The remaining zombie still on him was about to bite, when a hammer flew in from the side and smashed its’ head in. Patel quickly jumped and looked over to his right, he couldn’t believe his eyes. Standing next to Patel was none other than LeBrony James.
… FUCK THIS STORY!
LeBrony James disappears shortly after and Jackass escapes back to his team. They manage to get back to the hotel and give everypony the supplies.
The group starts celebrating by, what else, getting high of their asses. How much weed do these ponies have? Do they just pull it out of their asses or something?! Oh, and let’s just add to the fire that already burns in my heart about how much I want to kill these assholes, shall we?!
“How has everyone else been?” asked Wahlburn
“Other than that fight, really quiet, especially the girls,” said Fluffy.
“Good,” stated Patel firmly. “I think they’re annoying.”
“We all do,” said Wahlburn.
Ladies and gentlemen, the middle finger to every single of the main characters of the show. If there was any doubt that this author doesn’t care about what he puts in front of us, let that be proof. Let that be the sign that says “Yeah, I don’t care about you guys or anything you guys want from a story. I’m just writing shit.”
I’m going to leave this to the side for now. I want all my anger to go into this one moment and believe me, there is more things to piss me off in this story, so, trust me, my anger won’t be quelled by the end.
We then cut to Stupid and Bellowing Britney who, I guess, are supposed to have a tender moment or whatever, but frankly, I stopped caring. The group finally met up with them as they try to decide what their next move is. They agree to go to Pharlin’s condo.
“Why would we do that?” asked Cannon, “do you even know how many Zambies are between us and that place?”
You know, for those of you who haven’t played the Last of Us games. Feeling alienated yet?
I have a lot more supplies at my condo, or at least better supplies, like tools to make barriers and an Xbox with Halo 3. Worth it, in my opinion.”
The most important thing you could ever need in a zombie apocalypse. It isn’t food, clothing, medical equipment, weapons, shelter, or means of surviving the elements. It’s the Xbox and Halo. Fuck you Nintendo and Sony!
Bellowing Britney and Stupid try to force more of their ‘romance’ on us, but it has become clear to me that Bellowing Britney is nothing more than someone to worry about Stupid. She’s just eye candy for Stupid or someone for Stupid to comfort and save. That is all her personality is. She is the Kristen Dunst to Stupid’s Spider-Man. And even that’s not accurate, since Spider-Man was at least likable.
They get to the sentries from before and one of the sentries suggests that they just let the kids go and get themselves killed. Best idea this story has had yet.
The group rush out, but manage to get trapped by the zombie horde. They try to outrun them, but are caught on one of the bridges.
We’re going to have to swim.” He started to push Rarity towards the water.
“Swim? No I can't! My mane and all of my stuff will get ruined!”
Haven’t we already what the most important thing about a zombie apocalypse is? It isn’t something stupid like staying alive! It’s my appearance! If I’m going to be a zombie, I want to look hot enough to bang!
The group manages to avoid one group of zombies and finds another. However, they are saved by the convenient arrival of Rio Chalmers of the Miami Flamers.
Rio tells them of a place where the National Guard has set up for civilians and offers to take them there.
Wait, Lebron James and Rio Chalmers in the same fan fic? Okay. Now, you’ve got this perfect set up. Please, take advantage of it.
He doesn’t, sir.
What?! That’s bullshit! The one time I actually want you to do something mean spirited with these characters and you don’t take advantage of it! Come on, a fight between Chalmers and Lebron would be funny?
We then cut to the rest of the team, (I don’t really care if you know who is where, it’s really freaking pointless by the end of it), where they need to gather supplies because Stupid stole all the supplies for himself and his bitch… I know what I said.
Before they go out, however, they decide that it is best to get some rest. However, before they can get much sleep, the hotel is attacked by a group of scavengers. It is entirely pointless.
They get back to the front of the hotel where Still tells them that they are surrounded by zombies. He called the National Guard, but they are unable to send support.
And then Pharlin comes up with the most ‘ingenious’ plan ever.
After a few seconds, Pharlin took out what appeared to be a mask. He turned around and pulled it over his head. As he turned around the others laughed.
“You found a mask of a zombie that’s part of a kid’s costume and actually think it’s going to make zombies not attack you?” asked Patel laughing.
Pharlin: Because I just carry little kid zombie masks on my person all the time. That’s not weird, is it?
Wow, Xingleborg must have really messed you up, huh, Pharlin?
It’s Xarlin, sir.
Whatever.
Anyway, they plan to use the mask to sneak by the zombies. Which I imagine would end like this…
Oh, wait, I live in the real world and this story is devoid of anything resembling that.
The stupid ass plan works, I guess, and they get to Pharlin’s condo. And guess what other bullshit the other throws at us? Pharlin just happens to have a cure for the zombie outbreak. How did he come up with this cure? How did he know that there was a zombie virus floating around? How did he obtain a sample of the virus to test on? How did he test the cure against the virus?
I don’t know. I do not know. It’s never explained. It’s just… there! There it is and you shouldn’t question it! Pfft, all those zombie movies or shows where the cure is never found, how stupid are those losers?! Walking Dead, World War Z, Left 4 Dead… there all stupid compared to this Pharlin guy, who… has done nothing, pretty much does nothing, we know nothing about, and somehow, SOMEFUCKINGHOW manages to find a cure for the zombie apocalypse in his back pocket.
This is the moment where the story jumped the shark. It has literally jumped the shark people. This series will be forever worse because of it.
So, they have to get the cure to the National Guard so they can use it to take out the zombies.
They manage to get back to the streets where they find a group of soldiers patrolling the area. Pharlin goes to speak to them, but forgets that he is still wearing the mask. The soldiers mistake him for a zombie and open fire on him, thus killing him.
Finally! Some death and destruction! Too bad it came from THE SOLDIERS, INSTEAD OF THE ZOMBIES! Seriously, what is the casualty count of the zombies that we actually see?! We don’t actually see the zombies killing anyone! We only see the soldiers or the group of morons killing! Not the zombies themselves!
We cut back to the hotel where the zombies have broken through the TWO SENTRIES POSTED AT THE FRONT DOOR, and being pouring into the hotel. The group starts to panic from the zombie horde and try to escape to get to the arena where the others are.
However, they are saved when the National Guard arrives with the other group. The others explain about the cure they have, but fail to mention the death of Pharlin. I guess he really wasn’t that important to the plot.
We then cut to Stupid and Britney who are introduced to the rest of the Miami Flamers. Rio explains that he will help their friends get back to the arena, so they all can be safe. We go through the biographies of the coach and several players of the teams, and unless you want to know more about them, (in which case just use Wikipedia), it’s pretty damn pointless.
Stupid then asks Britney if she wants to be his girlfriend. … What have you been calling her before? The same thing I have? Stupid, useless bitch? Because that’s what she is.
Britney then shows him her…
“It’s an enchanted bag I made myself. It’s waterproof, fireproof, and pretty much indestructible.” Rarity looked over to him. “Do you honestly think I would be so careless with my belongings?”
THEN WHY THE FUCK WHERE YOU WHINING AND COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR STUFF BEING WET WHEN YOU HAVE AN INDESTRUCTABLE BAG?! AND FOR THAT MATTER SHOULDN’T YOU BE USING THIS INDESTRUCTIBLE MATERAL FOR ARMOR OR SOMETHING?! I THINK A MATERAL THAT IS COMPLETELY INDESTRUCTILBE WOULD CATCH THE ATTENTION OF THE MILITARY! HOW MANY LIVES WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO SAVE?! FUCK THIS STORY!
But it turns out there was a point to Bellowing Britney’s lie. Take a look at this…
“I did. I wanted to see what your reaction was. Looks like you’re going to buy me some new clothes anyway. That can be one of our dates!”
Every sentence uttered in this story is like a zombie ripping out my brain and eating it.
We then get the position of every character on the basketball team, it is entirely pointless.
The group arrives at the stadium and explains why Dumbass and Druggie aren’t with them, because they left them at the hotel. The group declares them dead, more likely that they just don’t want to go after them, but ‘the brave, handsome, superb, ethical, morally right, strong’ Stupid declares that he will save them and that his penis is bigger than anypony else’s.
Or is that his head? I frankly can’t tell the difference.
Stupid arrives just in time to save Dumbass and Druggie and then we get a cameo from… Andy Samberg?
… … … Because.. that totally makes sense… Because when you think zombies… you think… Andy Samberg… I mean, it’s not like he has ever been in a zombie movie before… He’s not like Andrew Lincoln, Sarah Polley, Simon Pegg, or hell, even Duane Jones, who have actually been in a zombie movie… No, that’d be stupid. No, let’s thrown in an actor who’s never played in a zombie movie… FOR NO FUCKING REASON!
So, it turns out a year has passed since the zombie apocalypse and the bus driver finally decides to come back. Whatever, this story is almost over.
The magic that prevented them from using their wings and horns mysteriously vanishes, Sludge moves out of Twilight’s house to live on the streets with Druggie where they died due to an overdose. It was about 20 years later that anyone even noticed.
Spike was found tied up and gagged on the back of the bus and nopony ever noticed, but he is now safely back in Twilight’s home.
Bellowing Britney and Stupid were married, but were divorced three years later after finding out that Bellowing Britney had been cheating with Stupid’s best friend, Jackass. Stupid killed Jackass and was sentence to prison for life. Feeling alone, Bellowing Britney committed suicide.
Rarity, it turns out, was with the Doctor the entire time and that when she returned a few days later, everything went back to normal.
Everypony else… well, who cares?
We then get a sequel beg where the characters want to have a reunion in Amsterdam, and honestly, I don’t give a shit.
What kind of drugs was this author on to come up with this?
I guess that it was trying to be like Shaun of the Dead, but had none of the charm, wit, humor, interesting characters or anything resembling the comedic writing of that movie.
This story is just dumb. Absolutely dumb in every respect of the word. The characters are as mean spirited as they have ever been, making me care less about them with every passing scene. Even when they are trying to be funny, they never once even got so much as a pity laugh from me.
The plot is nonsensical and makes no sense! How did the zombies get created? How did Pharlin manage a cure? Why the hell did this revolve around basketball players that have nothing to do with the plot of the story?! The story has nothing to do with the event it is based on and nothing to do with the zombies! Even the author of the story claims…
It may be short, but it's also not focused solely on the zombie setting. This story is more focused on character development than anything.
Except what do we learn about the characters that we didn’t already know? Poncho doesn’t like his friends, Druggie’s a druggie, Stupid is in love with Bellowing Britney, and all the other characters I either can’t remember their names or what they did. Most characters leave some kind of impact, but no, none of these characters do that! They are all just generic stereotypes that are offensive and unfunny!
The writing is bland and boring as hell. The dialogue is unnatural most of the time and there are far too many characters to focus on for this author. I know there isn’t a set limit of how many characters you can focus on. But if you are going to have a million characters in a story, you need to spend time with each of them, getting to know all of them. This author doesn’t spend enough time with any of the characters! There are some characters you don’t even see! Hell, Pinkie Pie isn’t mentioned from chapter 2 on! And it’s 14 fucking chapters!
Which brings me to the point I have been saving up for a little while…
Why the fucking hell does this need to be a My Little Pony fan fic?!
I mean, seriously think about it for a second. What did the My Little Pony characters actually do to this story? What did they actually contribute? What did they do in the story to make this story better?
That’s right. Fucking nothing. They did nothing. There is not one thing that these characters did. I bet you, halfway through the story, you forgot it was a My Little Pony fan fic. I sure as fuck did. What is even the point of them being there, if you aren’t going to take advantage of them and their world?
My guess is, you had one of your friends fall in love with Rarity and asked you to make a fan fic revolving around that. But rather than make it a one shot, you thought that you should have a great big adventure with all your friends getting high and saving the world. And instead of giving us only one horrid fan fic to read, you gave us four. Four ugly pieces of vile shit! And I honestly have had all that I can stomach for this year!
Fuck this story and fuck. This. Series.
Have a great day guys. If you’ll excuse me, I need to recover because Sequel September is just warming up.
***
Hey, guys. Spideremblembrony here. Just here again with an announcement of my newest story that I am working on called ‘The Longest Night’. It’s a Halloween story with the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
In the story, they end up in a mansion for a night with a serial killer chasing them and they have to find their way out. It’s a project I’ve been working on for a while now, and I’m really excited to post it. There’s going to be a little bit of gore in it, but not enough to make you sick.
I’m looking for anyone who is willing to help, be they experienced or not. Any help I can get will be appreciated. Proofreaders, editors or pre-readers are welcome.
Also, if you want to know more about the project that maybe I didn’t mention in this blog post, please send me a private message. If you have any questions, comments or concerns, feel free to ask away and I’ll try to answer them as best that I can.
If you are interested in lending me a hand, please leave a comment or send me a private message with a email or other place I can contact you.
The first chapter will be posted on October 1st and will be continually posted throughout October, so be on the lookout for it and hopefully you all enjoy it.
SEQUEL MONTH! YAY!
Seems legit
... oh dear. The plot's completely rehashed from the first story, isn't it?
As an Oregon native (more or less), I take offense to that. There's loads of stuff to do, like hiking, people watching, going to the coast, skiing during the right time of year, rafting, windsurfing, wine tasting, to name a few activities.
Poncho, you're regionist
He and Vampire, Diabolo, B'Loody Mary, and the rest of the cast of My Immortal can form a club
So, it'll kill you faster? Good, these characters deserve it for insulting the west coast.
You mean besides the fact that it renders the scene completely pointless? I eagerly await this reasoning.
... *eye twitch*
When suddenly DOCTOR! At least he kind of did something...
So, it's just as bad as Dyno and Mite from My Little Unicorn?
Most likely no. But at least it's accurate, so I won't have to lobotomize myself with a pair of wire cutters.
...
...
... Skye?
blogs.psychcentral.com/couples/files/2014/07/tumblr_n1zi5rWB2V1r7b6cio1_500.gif
...
...
...
They have serious issues.
And I thought Seaddle was a lazy name... yes, I'm making fun of myself there. I'm changing it to Vanhoover in the rewrite
Because reporting things to the police is out of the question!... and this is riding off the story about that guy that allegedly snorted bath salts and tried to eat another guy's face, isn't it?
Cool, when do Bonkers Betty and Crazy Steve show up?
I was right (sort of).
Author (not you, Critique) you are sick.
There are people who do.
Humor at its best, obviously
BECAUSE SPORTS ARE CLEARLY MORE IMPORTANT AND INTERESTING THAN ZOMBIES!
God, I hate this story.
...
Obviously this guy's never watched the show.
DEUS EX MACHINA!
...
Congratulations, Author. You have just offended almost the entire Brony community. I'll sell tickets to your lynching.
It's like what Ebert said about Godzilla (1998): If you're going to put someone you don't like in a monster movie, can you at least have the monster eat them?
Yeah, that's what I'm getting to.
Let the madness overtake you...
... Ha. Ha ha ha. HA HA HA HA HA!
static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/zad_killing-joke-385_5251.jpg
That's a fairly accurate statement.
And good luck on your story. I'd love to help out, but I'm swamped by my own projects at the moment
Serial Killer VS CMC? Hmm......... If you need help on that feel free to ask me. I may not write many horror fics, well on here anyway, but there's one thing I can do is build....... the........ TERROR!
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vb76RYA0eOg]
I stand ready to help. E-mail me.
I love your work fine sir........You finally showed that Jeb could have been so much greater in the stories that BRyeMC wrote.
Also, I think you should do the other stories in this series to better improve any stories he may write in the future. No rush, because I'm friends with the writer and enjoy a good laugh. The story was mainly people from our friend group in which I was Jeb. Thanks for this awesome review, keep it up, and make Jeb seem more awesome in stories to come.