Critique's Review: If You Build It · 6:24pm Aug 27th, 2014
”If you write it, he will come.”
Those were the words that haunted the Danish pony that lied in his bed. They tormented him repeating in mind over and over, like a record that had been on repeat.
”If you write it, he will come.”
If I write what? he asked himself. Apple Loosa leaned forward glancing out the window. He stared up at the moonlight. He continued to ponder what the voice would mean. It had been speaking to him for a week now. Am I seriously going mad? he thought.
He looked up to the sky as if some unforeseen force pulled his head in that direction. The moon shined brightly in his eyes and a brief image appeared before him. Words appeared on the moon like a message. He read them quickly, realizing they were a story being told to him. Thousands of words flashing into his brain like he was reading a novel at a hundred miles an hour.
Maybe this is what I’m supposed to write. He made his way to the cabinet, opening a small drawer. He pulled small sheets of paper from it and laid them against his desk. The clumsy noise of the drawer as he pushed it closed woke his slumbering wife.
She gave a sigh of discomfort and turned towards the small lamp that was emanating light. “Honey, what are you doing?”
Apple smiled as he turned towards his wife. “I think I figured it out.”
She shook her head. “Figured what out?” her raspy voice asked.
Apple turned back to back to the table. “I think I figured out what ‘if you write it, he will come’ means.” He picked up a small pen and started to jot down what he remembered from the sign in the moon. “I think it means I have to write this story.”
The wife gave a huff. “At this hour?”
Apple nodded, but remained over his sheet of paper. “I have to write it while I still remember it.” And with that, Apple continued to write his story, all the while wondering who exactly ‘he’ is.
***
Two Years Later…
The story had been finished for months now. He had written it and nopony had come. They had read it, yes. But nothing had come from it. There were no reviews, no answers, no questions, no remarks, nothing. Just an empty promise from a voice that he could no longer hear.
Instead, all he received was a face. Face with an intense glare on it. A glare that pierced through his glasses. The messy black hair atop his head and his ugly green coat. And of course, the purple scarf around his neck. How could he forget that purple scarf? It was so detailed and looked like it had been hoof knitted. Possibly from a relative.
Apple assaulted his brain for answers about this pony, but he didn’t recognize him. And nopony around seemed to care about him. For one reason or another. He couldn’t even get so much of a name.
Apple often wondered if he really was crazy. They had spent so much money on publishing the book and making sure that ponies could read it. And yet, nothing. They were behind on their bills that they were struggling. They were struggling before, but never as bad as they were. If things kept going the way they were, they would surely lose their farm.
He had spent so much of his time dedicated to his writing of his book, that he had neglected the Apple Farm. The farm that had been in his family since the first days of Ponyville. And in a few days, he was going to lose everything it seemed. His daughter and wife had worked hard to cover his slack, but they were only two ponies. Two ponies plus hundreds of apple trees doesn’t add up. At least, that is what his ancestor, Big MacIntosh, always used to say.
The more time that passed on, the more right that saying seemed to be.
He sat in his chair, looking at the cover of his book. Suddenly, the voice of his daughter caught his ear. “Daddy! Come here!”
He rushed over to where his daughter sat. She gave him a smile and pointed to the computer screen in front of her. “Look, daddy! A pony is talking about your book.”
As he looked upon the computer screen, he saw him. The pony with the glasses, the messy black hair and of course, the purple scarf. The pony looked into the camera and gave a smile. “Hello, everypony. I am the Critique”.
***
Remember Field of Dreams?
You know, that movie where the guy builds a field on his farm and these Baseball stars come to life to play on it. Yeah, it’s as weird as it sounds, but there is something to be enjoyed about it. It’s a good movie, even by today’s standards. It’s got some heartfelt moments, some good acting, and some endearing characters.
And it’s no wonder people keep repeating lines from this movie, such as…
BUCK WEAVER
Come on, asshole, pitch!
My favorite line in the movie. So, it only makes since that a story would be written based on this movie. And you know what we get? … That’s right! A giant pile of shit that has nothing to do with the movie it’s based on.
I’m serious; this story doesn’t connect with anything of the original movie. Instead, it deals with gore and sex. That is so far from what the original movie was trying to do that it is out in left field!
I’m speaking metaphorically, of course. So, what makes this pile of shit that bad? Well, let’s take a look at If you Build It by Apple Loosa
Our story starts with Applejack in the middle of the snowy fields of Sweet Apple Acres. As she wanders into the field, she starts to hear a voice speak to her.
Ah, so this is how Sweet Apple Massacre got started.
Actually, it tells her that “If she builds it, they will come”. Applejack thinks she is going crazy and talks to Granny Smith and Big MacIntosh about it.
"I heard that Voice by an invisible thing who said that he will come." the farmer mare told Twilight.
One, how do you know it is an invisible anything? It could be a voice inside your head indicating you are crazy.
Two, what is the point of Twilight being there, since in this scene, she serves absolutely no purpose. Hell, she doesn’t even get a line of dialogue in this scene. Was it really necessary to mention that Twilight was a part of this scene? Was it to remind us that Twilight is a part of the My Little Pony universe? Unless we’ve been living under a rock for several years, we kind of already know that!
Big MacIntosh explains that he heard the voice once.
It told me to rape and murder the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
Is this why Apple Bloom hasn’t been seen in a while, Big Mac?!
I know, I know, I’m dwelling on Sweet Apple Massacre. But the setup is so perfect.
Anyway, Big MacIntosh tells them that the voice had once saved the Apple Farm from bankruptcy years ago. Now, do we actually get to see this happening or it being explained to us? Well, I’ll let you decide for yourselves.
Then Big Mac told for a while about how Sweet Apple Acres got their first Apple Family Reunion. The reunion saved Sweet Apple Acres from the bankrupt.
And… that’s it. That’s all we ever see of that scene. Making this… say it with me kids…
Be on the lookout for more of those. I have a feeling that there is going to be a storm of pointlessness coming our way.
So a few months pass and Applejack explains to one of her family members about the voice she is hearing, during the Apple Family Reunion.
"Granny Smith and Big Mac did not like the idea of moving to the country from Manehattan, but then they found Sweet Apple Acres." the earth pony told Applejack.
Ah, yes, I remember that. Even though, it was Granny Smith’s family that helped found Ponyville when she was a little filly, there was no way that Big MacIntosh could have been born, they were traveling pilgrims and were asked by Princess Celestia to settle the land to grow food.
Research? Pfft, I scoff at the idea!
After butchering the origin of Ponyville, Applejack wonders about inviting Pinkie Pie over to the reunion since she is the best at parties. And according to everyone spoiling season 4 for me, Pinkie Pie and Applejack are related. Please, let that just be a misinterpretation, please.
"Maybe I should had invited Pinkie Pie to the reunion we had today, as she is the best at parties so the barn still stood." Applejack told herself.
… Wait, huh? “So the barn still stood?” What the hell does that mean? Does this take place during the Apple Family Reunion episode?! Or is tearing down other pony’s barn just part of the Apple Family tradition? It wouldn’t surprise me. It is a pretty catchy song.
After the reunion, (which is completely glimpsed over, so why the hell did it even need to be there?!) Applejack starts thinking about a story that Twilight read about ponies moving around the area after the bison war. … Is she talking about the war at Appaloosa? Because that wasn’t long ago. That was actually really recent.
Or is this a different war that they are talking about? Because I’d really love to hear about that story, rather than this one.
Also, the Apple family were traveling pilgrims! Not war victims! God, this story is stupid! And I’m not even halfway through Chapter 1!
Applejack then starts thinking about the prophesy that brought her and her friends together. Apparently, there is a prophesy concerning them. Okay, Nightmare Moon is a part of that, but this story mentions the other villains instead.
Princess Celestia had saved Equestria from banishing both Discord and King Somber.
Ha! Stupid Sombra! You’re so forgettable that the author can’t even get your name right!
Oh, please, I ain’t scared of you! You’re about as scary as Galactus from the Fantastic Four movie!
Suddenly, Twilight appears in Applejack’s room. Oh, Jesus, here we go.
"Hey Twilight nice to see you." Applejack said to Twilight and smiled.
"Hi, I just needed a rest as I'm new around here." the unicorn told Applejack.
Oh, good, we get shitty ass dialogue that looks like it was written by a 4 year old. Way to make the characters sound natural, writer.
Also, “new around here”? Twilight’s been around the Apple Farm hundreds of times! What does she have amnesia or something?! Or is this referring back to the first time Twilight and Applejack met?! Because I don’t remember that scene at all!
Oh and I wish I was kidding on my comment earlier. For some reason, that is not built up or explained… at all, Twilight and Applejack have sex together.
Jesus fucking Christ, people, if you are going to do this in your story, have it at least make a little bit of sense! This has no build up to it! No set up! Not even a freaking word of dialogue that would even remotely suggest that they have feelings for one another! Fuck, the last scene, the LAST SCENE WE FUCKING SAW WAS OF NIGHTMARE MOON’S DEFEAT! And that transitions into a sex scene?! Again, no build up whatsoever, it just comes the fuck out of nowhere!
Holy fucking shit, people!
And then we cut to… um… Spike and Rarity having sex… Good god… This whole story is going to be like this isn’t it?
It’s not even done very well. It mentions balloon strings and hot dogs instead of, you know, saying what is actually going on. You can say vagina. It’s okay. You can say dick. It’s okay. You’ve got your mature rating on there with the sex tag, you are allowed to say them. Don’t dance around saying shit that has nothing to do with it, claiming that is making you ‘artsy’. Just say the fucking anatomy!
And, again, no set up! No build up whatsoever to the sex! Granted, the show suggests they have more a relationship than Applejack and Twilight, but my god, this was the opening line before it.
"Me and Twilight had been raised in Canterlot together." Spike told Rarity.
I guess thinking of Canterlot really turns Rarity on.
… Wow, learn something new every day.
At the end of Chapter 1, we get an author’s note.
Our headcanons about the two sister's old Everfree Castle were right as seen in the S4 opening
Oh, good to know. I’m sure that will play very well into this story. By the way, where did the other bullshit head canon you pulled out of your ass come from?
Huh, just answered my own question.
Our next chapter begins with Aunt Applesauce’s birthday and her birthday present is… a threesome with Applejack and Rarity…
This… is going to get very boring… very, very fast…
And for those of you who are wondering why Rarity is cheating on Spike, here is the dumbass explanation we get…
"But such a shame Spike is not here, as he is on the dragon migration." Twilight said to the crowd.
Yes, Spike is apparently on dragon migration, which makes no fucking sense because he doesn’t want to be a dragon! He wants to be a pony, since dragons are assholes!
Second, yes, there is a crowd watching them all do it! What the fuck is wrong with this author?! Chapter fucking 2 and already I question the author’s sanity!
So, after that so important chapter, we find that, a thousand years ago, Discord was defeated by Luna and Celestia. And that decades later, Blueblood was driven insane by Discord. I’m not sure the author knows how long a decade is.
Anyway, Blueblood is thrown into prison, for reasons that are never explain and Discord appears and threatens Princess Celestia not to tell everypony he has returned.
I think she’ll have a hard time making excuses for you, when we have cotton candy clouds, chocolate rain, and soap roads. I think that maybe, FUCKING MAYBE, somepony is going to notice! I really hate this story right now! And that probably won’t change the further we go!
And then, we cut to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who start hearing about a group of devil worshipers and this is the point where I really have to rant about the story here.
WHAT IS THIS FUCKING STORY ABOUT?! IS IT ABOUT DISCORD, THE DEVIL WORSHIPERS, THE SEX?! WHAT THE HELL IS THE FOCUS?! WE ARE 4 CHAPTERS IN, AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT AND WHAT I’M NOT! JESUS, THIS MAKES MYKAN’S STORY LOOK COMPLTELY FLAWLESS BY COMPARRISON!
YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT! I JUST GAVE MYKAN A COMPLIMENT THAT HE DOESN’T DESERVE, THAT’S HOW FUCKED UP THIS STORY IS!
So, anyway, want some more pointlessness thrown in there, Celestia and Luna fly over Foggy Bottom Bog… and … that’s it… There is nothing they do there. Nothing of any relevance whatsoever. They just…
The princess flew over Froggy Bottom Bog that sunny summer morning.
Next chapter…
And for those of you who were missing the ponies randomly banging one another, GET OUT OF HERE!
For the rest of you, Pinkie Pie starts inflating Rarity’s balloon. No, seriously that is how it is written. Good god, this isn’t a story! This is just random shit flying at the audience! This story wasn’t meant for pony eyes!
Or apparently, fish eyes.
Oh, and to top it off, Pinkie Pie does this… while Rarity is unconscious. I’m not sure that the author realizes that rape is going on here, based on the intelligence that this story is producing, its likely he knows, but doesn’t give a shit.
Classy.
Twilight ends up in Saddle Arabia 1982, for some reason. I know she has a time travel spell, but why the hell would she go back to that specific date? I don’t know. Screw this story!
She goes to the shop and purchases one of the books the shop owner possesses. This book is pretty pointless, so this scene is also pointless. If I cut apart all the pointless scenes in this story, it would make for a really short story. There’d be nothing left.
At the start of our next chapter, we get this little bit…
Build upon the Poltergeist movie.
Oh, good. Another movie you can completely butcher. Lord knows you haven’t followed anything about the Field of Dreams movie, why follow this one all of a sudden?
Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie start telling the story of the Poltergeist, which is really stupid and bears no significance to the plot, making it completely pointless. And if you haven’t seen the Poltergeist it is most likely you are lost, as it is not explained very well.
So, bottom line, not only was this part completely pointless and a waste of time, but it alienated your audience who haven’t seen the movie! Not a really good move for telling a story! Well, I say telling a story, but frankly, I’m still waiting for a story to be told!
"You are scaring both Applejack and Fluttershy, and this is just some filly stories." Twilight told her two friends.
Okay, Fluttershy I get, but Applejack? Really? Why Applejack? Why would Applejack be scared? I know in the Castle-Mania episode she was frightened, but so was everypony else for that matter?! And in the second episode of the series, Applejack was the one who got mad at Rainbow Dash for frightening the others!
My god, it’s like the author has never even heard of the series and just did a random search on Wikipedia to find characters and places and events without actually watching the show.
Twilight explains that the ghosts are the reason why Nightmare Night is celebrated in the fall.
If you guys are having a hard time keeping up, trust me, it’s not your fault. This story is a hobbled mess of scenes that don’t connect to each other, at all. I’ll try to keep you guys informed of what, I think, is going on, but if you can’t follow along, know that it is the author’s fault, not yours. This story is confusing as fuck.
Based upon E.T. The Extra Terrestrial.
And now it has turned into a list of all the movies the author has seen… they are all completely pointless.
This chapter has nothing of value to it, so I’m just going to skip it.
So, Fancy Pants meets the others in Canterlot where Rainbow Dash and he start having sex, even though they have no interaction that would suggest feelings for one another. Does the author think that sex is just something that people do? Like going to the restroom or sleeping? That it is just something people can do on a whim?
Yeah, that’s not how it works. Well, unless you’re a prostitute, but… Oh, god! I just figured it out! That’s what all of this is! He thinks that the main six are prostitutes! Even though there has been no evidence of such a thing in any scene in this story!
How could I have not noticed it before?! This story’s author is… a horny asshole!
…
…
…
What? So I’m a little slow, okay?
Also, the story talks about Fancy rubbing Rainbow Dash’s balloon.
What is with the fucking balloons?! What do you have a balloon fetish or something?!
His masturbation song. … See if you can get that image out of your head.
Next chapter… Is completely pointless. Again, I’ll skip it for you guys.
At Twilight’s birthday party, Prince Blueblood, who is somehow out of prison now, comes up to Rarity and apologizes for being such an asshole to her.
Okay, that’s not something I expected from this story. Am I reading the same story as before?
He invites Rarity to ride on his airship with him, because everypony has a fucking airship. I have an airship. It’s parked right outside, next to my giant fighting robot and award from Princess Celestia for being me. No reason she gave it to me, she just did.
He doesn’t really have any of those things.
Well, maybe I should!
After the airship ride, which passes by so fast, you’d think the story was on an airship, Rarity starts to hear voices.
“If you build it, they will come.”
No, we only wish it would get back to that story.
She hears the tale of how a town now has ghosts and spirits in it. It is utterly pointless.
We then cut to the Flim Flam brothers… Okay… who go into a haunted house and disappear off the face of Equestria. Never to be seen again.
You mean? You mean the Flim Flam brothers are dead? And I’ll never listen to their Super Cider Squeezy 6000 song again?
Yes! This story finally did something right! Finally, after all this time! This story did one thing right! For all the pointless scenes, which now that I think about it this one is also pointless, but at least it is entertaining! Even mildly!
Even for all the sex and all the scenes that go absolutely nowhere! This one scene brings my dreams into reality with the death of the Flim Flam brothers and there damn catching as fuck song! Never again will I be plagued by their catchy con-artist song and robbed of my money by ponies like them! Hallelujah… Hallelujah, indeed.
… Aw, fuck, there’s more story…
So, Rarity ends up in a mysterious town, where she meets up with Iron Will. Iron Will explains that he is there investigating the house and here’s the point where I really can’t ignore the writing anymore.
Take a look at the writing for a second…
Rarity looked in her photo album one day after she and her friends had returned from welcoming the game inspector, who were in the Crystal Empire.
"So you are that entity, who once had been taken away by your mother in this room." Rarity told the invisble entity.
But nopony were around in the halfd dark kitchen. The stallion noticed that a book had fallen down without touching it. Suddenly had a kitchen knife fallen down in front of Rarity's father. Rarity's mother had noticed a symbol Rarity had drawn one day. Twilight found a book in library for her about that symbol.
The writing is absolutely putrid! This author clearly doesn’t know the first thing about writing! The dialogue is horrible and the writing itself is confusing as fuck. I don’t know what the hell is going on! It’s like if he ate alphabet soup and wrote a story based on whatever came out of his ass!
Yeah, it’s that bad! I’m not even showing you half of the horrid writing that was put into this!
Okay, so Iron Will goes outside to investigate something when he is suddenly killed by the villagers of the town.
Huh… That wasn’t cool. I liked Iron Will. He was kind of entertaining… I mean, granted he didn’t have a line of dialogue in this story, but …
No, I’ve got nothing, he was pretty pointless. Just every fucking character in this story!
Iron Will is not happy to be cut from this story!
Trust me, I. W. when I’m done with it, you’ll thank god that you were.
We then see a chapter about Trixie…
And she yells at her brother for breaking balloons… And … that’s it…
What the fuck was that about?
Author’s Note: To celebrate the return of Trixie the great and powerful.
… Look… I don’t have a problem with you celebrating the return of a character… But… if you are going to do so, don’t just throw them into a story for no fucking reason other than to mention that the character exists. Actually give them a purpose in your story. Actually give them something to further the plot or characters… if not, KEEP THEM OUT OF YOUR FUCKING STORY, YOU TWIT!
The next chapter is pretty much a repeat of the last chapters concerning the Flim-Flam brothers and Iron Will, just with Trixie instead.
I wonder if this thing is just kill all the antagonist characters from the show to make the perfect Equestria. Now, that would be a story worth reading, but I very much doubt the author is that clever.
So we then cut to Donut Joe… There’s an obscure character… Donut goes to a haunted café, where Luna and Zecora are trying to dispel an evil spirit.
The Canterlot guards had been send out to find both the ghost and the principal, who did the killing but without luck. Both Zecora and Luna tried to remove the ghost from the house, but without luck.
The author tried to make this story enjoyable and frightening for his audience, but without luck.
"I failed to remove a dangerous entity from an old cafe today, but the evil thing chased me away." Luna had written.
Wait, so she failed in removing it, but when the evil spirit chased her, that somehow made it go away? … Sure, I’ll buy it. Anything to make this story end quicker.
We then cut to Apple Bloom… having her balloon… inflated… by a stallion?!
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
***
”Ease his pain”
Those words echoed into Apple’s ears as he watched the earth pony on the screen thrown his tantrum. The Critique, as he called himself, slammed his head against the book cover several times, tossed several books off the shelves scattering them around the room, screamed every profanity that he had ever heard of and several he wasn’t familiar with.
Apple watched in horror, his mouth hung open as the Critique rammed head first into a wall before curling up into a ball, grasping his tail and gently rubbing.
“Who’s a pretty pony?” the Critique cried. “Who’s a pretty pony?”
”Ease his pain”
What am I supposed to do to ease his pain? Apple thought. He hates this story. He hates everything I wrote. I just wrote what you told me to! Why tell me to write something he hates?!
Apple sat at the computer screen, wondering what move to make. Finally, without realizing what he was doing, he typed on his keyboard. A small message appeared in the comments below, his message. ”Keep going” it said.
The Critique poked his head up like something had caught his attention. He hobbled his way back to the camera and put himself in his usual spot. He looked up to the ceiling and his mouth moved, as if he was speaking, but there was no sound.
Apple wondered if he was speaking to Computer. As he sat, he wondered how such an advance piece of technology could end up in the Critique’s hooves. Moments passed and finally, the Critique turned to the camera and spoke, this time his voice was heard loud and clear.
“Let’s continue.”
***
So, after that, oh so important scene, the Crusaders decide it is time for them to build a bigger clubhouse. So, is this what it means by “If you build it, they will come”. Because at this point, I’m begging for it to be a competent story teller.
So, they decide to go to the woods to find a treehouse and end up finding a haunted house. Where they go in, and then they come right back out after exploring some of the rooms.
I would say that I am shortening the story a bit, but really that’s just how it is written.
The next chapter is just the author’s hormones kicking in. So, I’ll just skip it.
Hey, guys! I just figured out why the writing is so bad! He’s only writing with one hoof if you know what I mean!
And then, we have a chapter celebrating Saint Patrick’s Day… It is … you all know what I’m going to say don’t pretend like you don’t.
I was going to say pointless, but you guys really aren’t that far off.
We then cut to Lyra who is investigating the murders of the Flim Flam Brothers, Iron Will and Trixie. Thank god, somepony is showing some initiative. So, she takes a train to the town where they were murdered. Wasn’t Rarity supposed to be in the area?
Consistancy?! What the hell is that?!
We then cut to … ugh… Bon Bon. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Bon Bon, but why the fuck is she here?! We are halfway through the story and there is absolutely no consistency! No focus! And no direction for this story!
I’m not even sure I know what the fuck is going on anymore! All that I know is some creepy stuff is happening around random towns, that really have no connection to one another, no explanations and no point!
My god, even Soren the Alicorn… SOREN THE FUCKING ALICORN had more focus than this!
THE STORY THAT WASTED MY TIME WITH ITS CONFUSING ASS SUBPLOTS HAD MORE OF A STORY!
Jesus…
So… yeah, I’m skipping this next chapter…
Rarity and Applejack… balloons… next chapter…
God, this is getting monotonous. I’m finishing this story off as quickly as possible.
And the rest of the story is pretty much what you would expect it to be. Random Ghost Scenes that pointlessly kill off your favorite characters with no rhyme or reason include Winona, Applejack’s pet dog, Granny Smith, Big MacIntosh and others.
Sex Scenes Including, TwilightXPinkie Pie, The main six doing a six-some, PipsqueakXZecora, Sweetie BelleXsome random pony, the Cutie Mark Crusader three-some, Lemon HeartsXMs. Cake ApplejackXRarity, and TwilightXHer future cyborg self… Don’t ask…
And then the story just ends. There is nothing explained and nothing that finishes it up. It’s like the story knew that nopony was reading this and decided that it just needed to quietly die off. And frankly, THAT’s BETTER THAN IT DESERVES!
Do I even have to explain what is wrong with this story?! Not really, it’s pretty fucking obvious! The story has no focus, no purpose, and is overall just a waste of time. That’s all it was built for people to waste your time. At the end, I skipped over 20 chapters of padding. That is how bad it is. This author didn’t care about the story and frankly, that’s the worst sin any writer can commit.
You can’t just halfass something like this. Writing isn’t just something I do. It is a passion. Something I very deeply, strongly passionate about and when I see stories like THIS, that think that you can just write in a lot of sex and gore and ‘edgy’ shit without putting any thought into them and somehow make it good, just makes me sick to my stomach.
Frankly, I hope the author is reading this review right now. Because, I … as a writer… am offended. I am offended that people are reading your story, when so many other, better stories are ignored. How dare you take away from those people who actually try! How dare you!
I see so many writers get ignored because of the enormous piles of crap that we have to dig through to find the good stories. And this… THIS is just offensive. Not because of the pointless sex and violence, but because it is pointless itself.
The author wrote this to take away from the rest of us. Those of us who struggle, fight and beg for views and reviews. He stole from you. He stole your time that you could be doing reading something so much better. With actual effort put into it. Maybe it would be good, maybe it would be bad.
But at the very least, you would be reading something that somepony wrote and that pony would look you in the eye and say, “I at least gave a damn about what I wrote.” And that pony will hold their head up high, while the author of this story should only look at their story in shame. Utter fucking shame.
This was one of the hardest stories I’ve ever had to review. Period. And seeing the list of stories I’ve had to review, that is saying a lot! I don’t know what possessed the author to write this story, but whatever it is, it clearly needs an exorcist.
Have a good day guys.
***
Apple sat looking at the screen as the video ended before his eyes. He couldn’t believe what his ears had just heard. Everything the Critique said. He wanted to be angry. Wanted to be pissed off that he would dare call his story what he called it.
I only wrote what the sky told me to write. How was I supposed to know it was crap?
He turned away from his computer screen and placed his hooves on his forehead. He wondered about what the point of him writing the story was. If there even was a point. The answer came from the computer screen.
“Apple.” He turned to his computer screen to see the green stallion staring straight at him. “Ponies will come, Apple.”
“They’ll come to the bookstore, for reasons they can’t even fathom. They will walk to the library, not really sure why they are doing it. They will arrive at the section where your book lies, as innocent as fillies, longing for the past. ‘Of course, you can purchase my book’ you will say. ‘It’s only 20 dollars per book.’ And they will pass over the money without even thinking about it. For its money they have and hate they love.”
Apple raised his eyebrow. Could the Critique know that he was watching? He remained silent as the Critique continued his speech.
“They will open the book. A little light reading on a perfect afternoon. They will find an atrocious mess of a story within its pages. It will cheer them up inside. Reminding them that… their stories aren’t so bad. They will frantically read this story, laughing at it and making fun of it. Sharing jokes with one another.
Apple wasn’t sure what to say. All the Critique said sounded magnificent, but as he listened to the words closely, he started to wonder if the Critique was still making fun of him or really trying to help.
“Ponies will come, Apple. The one constant through all the years, Apple, is storytelling. The world is ruled by storytelling. Whether it is stories about work, family, the future, the past, or the grand adventure of a lifetime. It has been butchered a hundred times by the world, rebuilt, and butchered hundred times more and rebuilt again. And the cycle will continue until the end of time. Because the world needs stories. They bring hope to those who have none. They allow us to aspire to be great heroes. To face our darkest fears. And to see the happy ending at the end of the long, hard road.”
The Critique took in a deep breath. “Ponies will come, Apple. Ponies will most definitely come.”
Apple took a moment and thought about all the things that the Critique had said. “So, the story still sucks?” he whispered.
The Critique nodded as if he could hear him. “Yep.”
Apple glanced at the computer screen and raised his eyebrow. “And when everypony finds that out?”
The Critique shrugged. “They’ll demand a refund.”
Apple shook his head, a look of disgust on his face. “So, your big speech was…”
The Critique gave a sinister smile. “A waste of your time!” He let out a chuckle. “How does it feel, fucker?!” Another bellow of laughter filled the speakers, causing Apple shake his head in annoyance.
He closed the window to the Critique, shutting him up. “Asshole.”
"If You Build It"? Seems innocent enough
Lay
Thanks for telling us that, instead of... well... SHOWING IT TO US.
I'll get an umbrella
"Oh yeah, two years is totally 'new around here'!"
And I thought Kalani and Mako got together too quickly...
Need an Exterminatus?
Obviously he took lessons from the Tara Gillespie School of Sex Scenes
DON'T JUDGE HIM! HE'S GOT ISSUES!!!
Wasn't AJ supposed to build something?
CONSISTENCY! THIS STORY HAS NONE!
I think it's supposed to be like Robot Chicken... except with no intelligence put into it (I might not be the biggest fan of that show, but at least they try)
...
Why did you have to put that image in my head. Is it because I got "We don't want zombies on the lawn" stuck in your head?
SPOOON!... What, it's more coherent.
...
Screw it. Exterminatus
Please, my brain is damaged enough...
And as for your speech at the end... I agree. That's one of the biggest flaws in the medium, that you have to scrape away so much crap to find the diamonds. If there was a way to get around it, we'd use it, but until then we best keep digging.
And complimenting Mykan again? Wow, these things just keep getting worse
Racist Barn
Racist Barn
1 2 3 4
Racist Barn
Racist Barn
1 2 3 4
You can't unhear it.
Balloon Strings?
I don't claim to know every euphemism for vagina, but why and/or how is Balloon Strings one? Did the author confuse Rarity for Pinkie Pie or something?
i.imgur.com/F14RWv1.png
Did I miss the review of Sweet Apple Massacre? What is that anyhow? And I probably should know by now, but who is Mykan?
Anyway, keep up the good work, and remember: Shipping!
2406719 He hasn't done Sweet Apple Massacre yet (it's a story about how Big Mac rapes and kills the CMC because they were annoying him), and Mykan is Dakari-King Mykan, author of the incredibly awful My Little Unicorn stories (he did a review for the first one a really long time ago, and I reviewed the first one on my own recently)
I liked Fantastic Four's Galactus much better than the mainstream one. The mainstream one looks sorta stupid, especially in a live action movie.
Out of curiosity, did you get Apple Loosa's permission to use him in your story?
2406950 Links! I require links, good Sir Alec Baldwin.
2407385 You mean Alec Guiness?
But anyway, here's links to TvTropes:
My Little Unicorn
I can't find links to Sweet Apple Massacre, but I'm sure someone else might have them
My review of My Little Unicorn
Spideremblembrony's review of My Little Unicorn
2407589
Heh
Of course now I have to remember who the hell Baldwin is.
Any way, thanks for the links!
Damn straight. It wouldn't be so bad, if the song wasn't so catchy.
This story would be 4 different kinds of awesome if he was in it. At least then it would be cool.
Sweet Apple Massacre has not been reviewed yet. But will be reviewed somewhere down the line. Like Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory, it's a gore story that's based of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It's just as bad as those. Not because of the gore. Not because of the cute, innocent characters that are butchered, but because it's a bad story. I'll be getting to those one day, but for now, I've got the worst month ahead of me. Sequel September.
2407345
Personally, I don't think the mainstream appearance would have worked in a live action movie. The giant purple helmet works in the comics, but not in live action. So, another way had to be found, but seriously? A dark cloud? That's what we get?
Come on, give us something.
Should I?
2408897
Bluntly: Yes.
I know you dint mean it maliciously, and the your review was completely honest. But how would you feel if someone made fun of the Daredevil Cuite Mark, and then wrote you as an insane woraholic who let his family business get destroyed because they heard voices.
If you don't apologize, this could go south very quickly.
Again, I know you weren't trying to be mean, but AppleLoosa my not know that.
And on a lighter note, I think the main problem with Movie!Galactus was that the movie itself didn't use him effectively.
I do wish there had been a little more to him though. Being a little more familiar with the Chtulla myths, there are a lot of things that would have made him scarier that they could have done.
2410237 I understand. And thank you.