Mirrors - What a difference a year can make · 12:41am Aug 24th, 2014
A bit over a year ago, I published the short story Mirrors. Today, while reading back through my old short stories while writing a new one (which should be up in an hour or so), I realized that my own story was bothering me. I wrote that thing, and it doesn't feel like I've improved that much... and yet, I could see so much room for improvement.
So, in the spirit of full disclosure, as well as anniversaries and to show just how much difference a year can make, I present to you Mirrors, both the original version from when it was the second thing I wrote for the site, and today, when I edited it.
Mirrors (original, published 8/5/2013)
"Howdy Rarity!" Applejack said with a bright smile on her face as she stepped into the shop.
"Coming!" chirped the mare in question, the seamstress emerging from one of the back rooms of the boutique with a smile on her face as she approached the farmer, giving her a nuzzle which the earth pony returned warmly, leaning into her lover.
"Twilight and I saw somethin' you might get a kick out of when we were in Canterlot yesterday."
"Oh?" the unicorn leaned back, her eyes bright. "What is it?"
"I left it outside, it was kind of tough to get in through yer door by myself. Its kind of fragile."
Rarity stepped out the front door of her shop and looked around for a moment before spying the canvas-covered pane sitting in the cart, a smile creeping across her face. "Is that what I think it is?"
"Sure is," the cowpony said as she stepped out after her marefriend. "Twi and I found it in the market, and figured it was just up your alley. Another magic mirror for your collection."
"Ooh, what does it do? Oh, wait, don't tell me, I want to see for myself."
Applejack smiled tolerantly as her marefriend seized the covered mirror carefully with her telekinesis, floating it out of the cart and in through the front door of the store before setting it down on the floor, its back resting against one of the tables at an angle. The farmer followed her marefriend in and sat to the side, watching the eager unicorn carefully undo the canvas with her magic with a smile, the brown cloth slowly sliding away from it, the silvery surface of the mirror slowly revealing itself, the canvas covering sliding over onto a nearby bench before Rarity returned her attention to the mirror.
The unicorn's shriek jerked Applejack into action, the farmer leaping forward to hug her marefriend as the wild-eyed pony stumbled away from the mirror. "That's terrible!" Rarity wailed to her marefriend, whacking Applejack's chest with her hooves.
"Constarn it Rarity, it just makes you look like a princess! It ain't anything bad!"
Applejack could feel the seamstress quivering against her, and looking down at her face, could see fear in her eyes, tears running down her cheeks as she sniffled.
"What do you mean?" Rarity asked, shaking slightly. "That isn't what it showed at all!"
"Did that vendor trick us and give us the wrong mirror?" Applejack growled, her eyes narrowing, while Rarity relaxed slightly against her marefriend.
"You think he pulled a trick on you?"
"I don't know, let me have a look at it." Applejack slowly released her marefriend, who watched with trepedation as the farmer stepped towards the mirror. The orange earth pony's face grew puzzled as she tilted her head, the pony in the mirror doing the same.
"What are you talking about Rarity? This is exactly what the mirror in the market did."
Rarity rose to her hooves and moved next to her marefriend, Applejack watching her approach over her shoulder, gave her an encouraging smile, but the tears only began anew as Rarity gazed into the mirror once more, the tailor's legs going out from under her as she collapsed to the floor next to her marefriend.
Applejack turned her head to look back at the mirror, trying to see what her lover saw, and her eyes grew wide. In the mirror, the regal alicorn's eyes did the same, her mane flowing in an ethereal breeze beside her neck, her tail doing the same behind her. In the mirror, the farmer stood tall and regal, no longer a little pony, but instead a princess, standing tall as Celestia.
But it wasn't her own reflection that made her eyes grow large, but what stood beside her: a weathered tombstone, with three diamonds glinting in the sun above the name of the pony laid to rest beneath it.
Mirrors (revised 8/23/2014)
"Howdy, Rarity!"
"Coming!" chirped the mare in question, emerging from one of the back rooms of the boutique with a smile on her face as she approached the farmer. The pair exchanged nuzzles, leaning into each other for a moment before Applejack spoke.
"Twilight and I saw somethin' you might get a kick out of when we were in Canterlot yesterday."
"Oh?" Rarity leaned back, her eyes bright. "What is it?"
"I left it outside, it was kind of tough to get in through yer door by myself. It’s kind of fragile."
Rarity stepped out the front door of her shop and looked around for a moment before spying the canvas-covered pane sitting in the cart, her smile broadening. "Is that what I think it is?"
"Sure is," Applejack said as she stepped out after her marefriend. "Twi and I found it in the market, and figured it was just up your alley. Another magic mirror for your collection."
"Ooh, what does it do? Oh, wait, don't tell me, I want to see for myself."
Applejack smiled tolerantly, sliding out of the way as her marefriend seized the covered mirror carefully with her telekinesis, floating it out of the cart and in through the front door of the store before setting it down on the floor, its back resting against one of the tables at an angle.
“Ya ready?” Applejack asked, grinning as she reached up to grasp the edge of the canvas, already knowing the answer.
“Applejack!” Rarity tsked, shaking her head. “You know I like to have my little moments.”
“I know. And I love you for them.”
Rarity stepped before the mirror, closing her eyes and concentrating as her horn flared to life. The brown cloth slowly slid away, wrapped in Rarity’s magic, but the unicorn studiously avoided looking into the mirror’s silvery surface, instead turning her head to watch as she carefully folded the canvas into a neat little bundle, setting it down on her dresser. Nodding to herself, she closed her eyes once more before turning her attention back to the mirror, the smile on her face vanishing in an instant as her eyes slid open.
Rarity’s shriek jerked Applejack into action, the farmer leaping forward to hug her marefriend as the wild-eyed pony stumbled away from the mirror. "That's terrible!" Rarity wailed, whacking Applejack's chest with her hooves.
"Constarn it Rarity, it just makes you look like a princess! It ain't anything bad!"
Applejack could feel the other mare quivering against her, and looking down at her face, could see fear in her eyes, tears running down her cheeks as she sniffled.
"What do you mean?" Rarity asked, her voice quavering. "That isn't what it showed at all!"
"Did that vendor trick us and give us the wrong mirror?" Applejack growled, her eyes narrowing, while Rarity relaxed slightly against her chest.
"You think he tricked you?"
"I don't know, let me have a look at it."
Applejack slowly released her marefriend, flashing a smile as Rarity watched in trepidation. Shaking her head slightly, Applejack turned to face the mirror, confusion showing on her face as she tilted her head, the crowned pony in the mirror doing the same.
"What are you talking about Rarity? That’s is exactly what the mirror in the market did."
Applejack smiled back over her shoulder at Rarity, nodding her head in encouragement as the unicorn stepped forward, but Rarity’s tears began anew as her eyes moved from Applejack to the mirror. Rarity peered into it for several long moments, her knees wobbling before she collapsed to the floor, ducking her head and looking away.
Applejack turned her head to look back at the mirror, trying to see what her lover saw, and her eyes grew wide. In the mirror, the regal alicorn's eyes did the same, her mane flowing in an ethereal breeze beside her neck, her tail doing the same behind her. In the mirror, the farmer stood tall and regal, no longer a little pony, but instead a princess, full grown as Celestia.
But it wasn't her own reflection that made her eyes grow large, but what stood beside her: a weathered tombstone, with three diamonds glinting in the sun above the name of the pony laid to rest beneath.
I will note that I changed only one word in the ending, which had bothered me even at the time, so I'm glad that I at least knew how to end this thing. I'm still not sure I'm wholly satisfied with the revision, but still, I'm amazed at how awkward my prose used to be by comparison.
I know exactly what you mean. Even though I have been writing for only about four months at the time of this post, I've already noticed an improvement in my writing as well. Time and experience really are beneficial for us writers.
2395182
Yeah, its pretty crazy. Though to be honest I unlearned a lot of bad habits while writing Crepes and The Stolen Date. The whole "avoid repetition, use varied words" thing had been instilled in me at some point in school, and while it is good advice, I was avoiding the repetition of the wrong things - names, for instance. Because it would be terrible if the reader could identify the character by name.
2395189 I really should get to reading Crepes. I'll be sure to read it when I have the time.
That's a [right_insert] inside of a [quote], isn't it?
And, wow, that's quite a difference. It makes me wonder how I've improved. On one hand, I've been here a couple years. On the other, I haven't been that diligent of a writer, and there's a lot of unfinished stuff in my hard drives that I never really edited at all.
2395204
Interestingly, it is actually a right insert above a quote; that's what it ends up looking like. I was trying to think of a way to put two text boxes next to each other (as left_insert and right_insert don't let the text boxes align next to each other) when I realized quote could sort of work for it...
I've found that every time I've really had a story peered at closely and dissected it has made me noticeably better the next time I write, in terms of quality of prose. The difference between my first few stories is really astonishing, and even still, every time I write something new I feel like I'm getting better. Doing a lot of editing work myself for other people has also made a big difference, I think.
Apotheosis Ascension. If the Mirror reveals the future centuries into the future, Rarity, never becomes a Princess.