My Little Torture: Day 5 · 9:45pm Aug 22nd, 2014
Very emotional day yesterday, so I'm still a little behind and catching up. I do have a couple of nice stories at the bottom for you though, and we are over halfway done!
My Little Torture: Day 5
Between
By Takarashi282
A changeling who doesn’t want to kill saves a pony that doesn’t want to be in the army. Stuff happens.
For the record, I fully admit that my biggest issue with this story is the very adolescent voice that it’s written in. I assume that it is, in fact, an accurate portrayal of the main character, but it just annoys the shit out of me, so I want that bias to be clear.
Beyond that, the writing is fairly loose and the said-isms are out in full, tell-y force. It’s nothing crippling, but it makes investment hard, which is doubly problematic when I’m trying to swallow a representation of a changeling that makes no sense to me on any level. Also, anyone who read ChuckFinlay’s blogpost on A.S.S. yesterday will understand why the interactions between the main character and the ‘adorable’ pony he saves feel extremely forced.
DNF (but probably interesting for a lot of you)
Beyond One Lifetime
By Megatank
Philopmena recalls her many lifetimes and she is reborn yet again.
Take a journal-type presentation, remove the journal framing, and then squash the rest together into one brick of text. You might find the world-building here interesting, but it’s an extraordinarily weak frame for presenting it. Riddled with minor proofing errors, too.
As a final word, I don’t think happening to have a pony or two in it really meets the prompt.
2/10 Prompt: Rejected (I suddenly decided I wanted some purple – don't ask me why)
A Lone Windigo
By ManeShadow
A Windigo stalk Ponyville for food.
Pretty rudimentary, but functionally complete. Some repetition, but really, the prose has no glaring errors.
What really grinds my gears though, is that this is a perfect example of really shitty parenting where the child gets made out to be at fault and ends up by apologising for his mum’s shitty behaviour – at which time it’s passed off as being this great triumph of love.
I am sickened.
2/10 Prompt: I don’t fucking care.
Evil Enchantress
By Dizzy Daze
What if Zecora had visited Ponyville sometime before the show started?
Look, we both know that a Zecora story is going to live or die on her rhyming dialogue. Sadly, this one is not a success in that regard. There’s not much else to back it up, either: Zecora come to Ponyville, meets Pinkie, Pinkie gets the wrong idea, Zecora stays away for a bit.
Worse, it’s not even from Zecora’s distinct PoV, so…
2/10 Prompt: Rejected
If Trees Could Talk
By Thornwing
FiM as experienced by the tree of harmony.
I’m sure there are people that thought I was unnecessarily down on Bloomberg for its re-treading of old ground, but there, there is really nothing other than re-treading old ground. It doesn’t really offer anything new in the PoV, or add any insight to any characters. Still, didn’t notice any typos, which is nice.
2/10 Prompt: Very Weak
The Kingdom of Palidark
By Idio Adustum
Among an absolute menagerie of creatures somewhere else on the planet, some kind of lizardy geezer find the ‘elements of strife’. He is not a well-adjusted person, as you might expect.
Look, as a story, it ain’t much. Lots of introducing things and nothing in the way of story rather than an abundance of plot. For a minute I thought Present Perfect’s post on the story was making me go soft, but then it occurred to me that I actually finished reading it. Considering that the characterisations are very forced (first submitted story for the author), and that the pacing is erratic as all hell, I actually wanted to see where it was going.
That has me just slightly confused. If you read it, let me know what you think.
3/10 Prompt: Weak
Gazebo
NotARealPonydotcom
Changelings have started to integrate into Equestria, but it’s all still strange a new when a pony shares a gazebo with a changeling on a rainy day.
See A.S.S. above. Also, so very nearly DNFed it when ‘Faust’ came up. Finished it anyway, but in the end it’s some moderately decent writing that describes a forced and completely arbitrary relationship growing between two random OCs. This is why I dislike the ‘Romance’ tag so much.
This is not romance, but at least it’s readable not Romance.
4/10 Prompt: Moderate
Wonders
By Popper
Umm. 4 upvotes, 15 downvotes when I found it. This is not a story for anyone who likes... punctuation.
It’s also listed as being in a troll group. That probably says enough right there, but I wonder if it’s not a defence mechanism.
DNF
Changed Heart
By Rariity7
Gummy… well, I’m not sure, really.
I really wanted to avoid it, but I just can’t see a reason not to label this as emotion porn. Full-on woe is me to glimmer of hope with only a single comment about Fluttershy to make the change anything less than entirely arbitrary. Cleanly written, but doesn’t lend itself to the prompt.
3/10 Prompt: Weak
(You know, I even think I’m being generous at that)
So, not a great day, but I have separated out the two very interesting stories for another entirely irrelevant edition of:
HEAD versus HEART
Let Them Eat Grass
By Cloudhammer
A sheep wakes up and has an odd thought.
Short and surprisingly punchy, this is an amazingly well structured short story. Somehow, it pulls off a slow, thoughtful pace in just 1,600 words while having something interesting to say and not padding in the slightest. Doesn’t really ring my ‘this is a great story’ bells, but this is a fantastic example of how to do a short story right.
6/10 Prompt: Moderate
We Who With Songs Beguile
By Loganberry
Mazarine, the blue jay in Fluttershy’s choir, has a few things to get off his plumage, and does he ever like the sound of his own chirping.
Where Let Them Eat Grass is a masterclass in concise construction, ‘Beguile follows with an immaculate display of how far a good narrative voice can take you. Mazarine just wants to tell you about how trick his life has been lately, and his vibrant blend of cheery bitterness will suck you along for a ride and tell you a few things about ponies along the way.
6/10 Prompt: Strong
And there we have it. Heart snatches this one solely on adherence to prompt alone. Both stories miss out on the 7 bracket simply by being a bit too light for my personal preferences, but both are absolutely deserving of anyone's ten minutes of time to read.
Yes, DJ, that means you.
Running tally of passing stories:
8's
Rise – Strong
7's
My Father Used to Say – Strong
Pride – Strong
Destination Unknown – Moderate
The Last Trumpet's Call – Weak
6's
Hello, My Name Is… – Strong
We Who With Songs Beguile – Strong
Mortal Coil Foiled – Moderate
Bloomberg – Moderate
Moot Model – Weak
Veni, Vidi, Verti – Moderate
Let Them Eat Grass – Moderate
5's
Not in Bluff Nor Bravado Nor Loneliness – Strong
Au Natualligator – Strong
A Tired Life – Weak
Sylphidine – Weak
…Nor the Battle to the Strong – Weak
Two interesting stories on the chopping block for tomorrow: Obscelescence's Changeling: The Movie, and A Mother's Love Never Dies, both of which have strong like ratios going in.
-M
P.S. Dear Obselescence,
I'm altogether uncertain as to whether the threat of putting my entry On Trial should be cause for cheering or fears. Or cheers for fears.
I love you.
Or Tears for Fears.
2392016 I think you may be missing the point that that was already the joke.
2392024
a program where you can give hearing aids to those you love: Hears for Dears
Someone who will stare creepily in exchange for alcohol: Leers for beers
When you want to see how rediculous your Hot Tub Time Machine cosplay looks: Mirrors for yesteryears skiers.
And lastly, your ranking system us fellow writers enjoy: tiers for peers
I really loved We Who With Songs Beguile when I read it. Out of the entries I've read, it's one of my favourites. Maybe not the best of the bunch, but a favourite.
Hahaha!
Well, I already read Cloudy's sheep fic (and forgot to comment on it, oops), but I'll give that bird fic a read.
2392682
The fact that it does read like something you'd overhear from an old friend over a few pints at the pubs (complete with not-horrendous accent) is really what makes it. I wouldn't have read it without the review and I'm glad I did. I love British humor and it does it very well.
2392085
That save.
Hey, by the way. Thanks for the feedback on my story. It wasn't the best, yeah.
If I write again, I'll keep some of what you said in mind. I think I still have a lot of room for improvement.
Thanks for that, for a while there I was labouring under the delusion that I could write.
Time to douse my account in petrol and buy some matches...
2401154 I suspect you may also be labouring under the impression that my opinion matters. Hard to tell with the looming spectre of sarcasm.
A single downvote ain't no thang.
2401187
Yeah, but that was the first time anyone went into real detail about what they thought, and you smashed it into the ground more times than I care to count. I really thought I did okay, but I guess not.
Also, one downvote might not seem like much but it's an ∞% increase in what it was before. Not like I didn't deserve it in retrospect. You could mash your head on a keyboard, throw a few pony buzzwords and you'd still get more recognition than I did.
2401202 Do you have a regular editor/writing group? Because waiting on public opinion/feedback is the fast lane into crazy town. Find people willing to give you a second opinion, whether they're experienced critics or good authors themselves (very different kinds of feedback, I should point out).
Not that getting focused feedback is easy. I have a few vodka-fuelled nights coming to terms with getting edited when I started, but one way or another, you have to work out how to deal with that feedback because it's pretty much the gate-keeper between you and better writing. Don't think for a second that pretty much everyone else didn't go through the same phase to get where they are now.
I'd suggest poking Singularity Dream, Chris, or Soge for some feedback. tell 'em I said mean things and I guarantee they'll help.
2392905 I have to say that I'd be a little miffed (but mostly highly amused) if I were told I couldn't pull off a British accent!
2402727
LOL! Well, I checked your profile after I made the comment and noticed you were from the UK only then. So that all makes it less impressive ;)
2402778 Certainly does! Loganberry, being less impressive since 19*mumblemumble*. On top of which, I have a horrible feeling that Mazarine is basically me from a couple of decades down the track...