Skyfall Saga: Skyfall · 9:57am Aug 1st, 2014
Well, will you look at that, finished the second story already. I think I prefer this way of posting my thoughts on a story. At least as long as the story is complete. Once I catch up to the ongoing one, I'll probably start commenting per chapter.
Okay...Skyfall, part two of the Skyfall Saga. It was a good read. Let's begin and end this with that lest it get lost while I ramble.
Oh, and spoilers in case you haven't figured it out by this point.
Big change of setting here. From the war-torn battlefields of an invaded nation where the danger is a constant grind against the hostile "other" to the supposedly more peaceful backdrop of Equestria, where the danger is hidden and threatens to explode at unexpected times and the enemy is an embittered part of your own side. It's an interesting change and it does keep the variation going. The story reels in the open carnage in favor of more mystery and suspense, but never really makes you forget that this is an action story.
On dangerous waters
The story takes certain risks (for me anyway) by introducing certain elements.
1. Chemistry between Cadance and Fleethoof - so there are hints in the story of a possible entanglement between these two. Now, I don't like Cadance in terms of the show. Shining Armor, I'm kind of ambivalent towards, but I dislike Cadance. However, few things can induce a visceral, almost knee-jerk contempt from me like an author fucking around with their marriage so Cadance can suck on their self-insert's hairless ape cock, to punish Shining Armor, or to peddle some NTR fetish bullshit. The story skillfully avoids this by:
a) Picking a good insertion point - Cadance and Shining Armor are not married in this story. There might be some attraction between them, but that's it at best. It's still all feelings so it's reasonable if she decides to love somepony else. The author isn't fucking around with their marriage because there is no marriage to fuck around with. Simple and effective.
b) Making Fleethoof a decent fellow - he's brave, strong, pleasant company, polite, and kind. Not just to her, but to everypony around him. He's an actual contender: a character I can imagine that Cadance would possibly go for. If he was an expletive-spewing, rude, arrogant sack of shit that the story desperately tries to dress up as "badass", I would have dropped this story in a heartbeat and unfollowed Jake the Army Guy for recommending trash.
c) Making Shining Armor a decent fellow - he's not demonized into an abusive and weak asshole with a tiny dick just to make Fleethoof appear as a contender.
2. The Fortune-telling scene - whether it's fanfiction or regular fiction, including a fortune-telling or prophecy scene is a good way for a fantasy story to strangle its own plot while in its infancy. Even longtime fans of the Inheritance Cycle were pissed when it not only included a fortune-telling scene, but followed that fortune to the last detail. Or take the Sword of Truth series where the prophecy is never shown, but, whenever Richard pulls a new power out of his ass, an onlooker will trot out a piece of the prophecy to justify his bullshit.
Including this element in your story is dangerous. It might be too specific to the point that you just handed your reader a checklist of all your future plot points. It might be so vague that you may as well be wasting their time with bad poetry or pretentious "ominous" warnings. If it's too grand and speshul, it will make your reader gag. It will be like heaping praise on the character for events that haven't even happened yet. There's a reason why "the chosen one" is an often derided character.
So what about the fortune-telling in Skyfall? It's okay so far. It doesn't seem too spoilery and it doesn't make Fleethoof out to be a chosen one. All it does for this story is to throw more smokescreen with regards to the building love triangle. Wooo...the description fits Fleethoof and Shining Armor. I'll see what comes of it as I progress.
On the characters
So Fleethoof has gone a long way from a noobish private who wants "more". Here, he's a budding hybrid of Batman and Commander Shepard. At least he doesn't have a godawful dance. We get some backstory now to flesh him out some more and the wing problem helps ground him a bit even as he advances in skill and authority. I've got no problem with Fleethoof in this story. However...
Cupcake - I don't like this guy. He's the big guy with the big guns and he talks like the Hulk. He has a name (which he shares with Mrs. Cake of all ponies) that's kind of clever and funny at first, then becomes significantly less so with each mention. When I try to picture him, I end up with the image of a very muscular Mrs. Cake dressed as Vulcan Raven. His hulkspeak comes from being from Northern Equestria, which I guess has a different language (which appears to be Russian). So the ponies have English as Second Language users, but the griffons all speak perfect English, huh? He's billed as a demolitionist, but I don't recall any scene in the story where he works with explosives whether to arm or disarm them. Hell, I don't think he even got to chuck a grenade.
Night Shade - I wish he wasn't insane, that he was just a very bitter and angry soldier fighting for what he believes is a righteous cause. As he is, he oscillates between Brigadier General Hummel from The Rock and the Joker.
On Mechanics
Passive voice and redundancy still rather prevalent. Take this line...
Sharp Shot reclined back in his seat, shutting up almost instantly. Fleethoof was impressed by the amount of intimidation it had to take to get Sharp Shot of all ponies to shut his mouth.
You don't need that second sentence to confirm what just happened. Just having the sarcastic guy (who was just introduced a while ago) sit up straight and shut up already impresses upon the reader that sense of intimidation. Reiterating it with a second sentence weakens the effect.
Then, there are lines like this one in chapter 6...
Approaching a stone staircase, they entered the prison.
The structure "Verbing, subject verbed" indicates simultaneous action. How can you be approaching a stone staircase and entering a prison at the same time? You have to be Schrodinger's cat to accomplish such a feat. If they approached the stone staircase, then entered, it would be different. Or if the stone staircase is the entrance to the prison then say "They took the stone staricase to get to the prison" or something.
Overall
A fun read. It certainly has more building into the growing world. It adds and alters certain elements, but doesn't lose the charm of the first story. Off to the next one.
Passive voice is something that should not be used by a writer. Every time that it is seen by me, my computer is thrown out the window.
Furiously going to the store, a lot of new computers are purchased.
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I'm rather enjoying this series. Your review series, I mean. I follow a lot of review blogs already (John Perry Suffers the Feature Box, One Man's Pony Ramblings, etc.), so this is right up my street.
You should do this for more fics, Vis. Providing thoughtful critique of other people's stories hones your own skills as a writer, and readers can learn from reviews like these how to become more discerning and also become better writers themselves, if they are so inclined. I bet at least a few of your followers didn't know what passive voice was until you just explained it, for example. And I think I learned something about the weaknesses of the chosen one or prophecies as story devices.
Just something to consider. I think reviewing suits you.
Really wish I could comment here, but I can't without spoilers...
I also don't like Cupcake Cake that much. He's grown on me a little, but yeah he's not someone I'm crazy about.