The Critique's Review: Why Did I Do This? · 4:51pm Jul 23rd, 2014
… I don’t want to review anymore… I don’t want to do it.
Sir, what is it this time?
I’ve just read another stupid story, Computer. And now I have to review it. It’s always the same things over and over. Nothing ever changes. Nothing ever gets better. Look at what my life has become.
Sir, nopony is forcing you to read and review them. You could stop anytime you wished.
Not the point. What’s the point? Here’s the point! The point is that every time I read a story as stupid as the one we’ve got today, I feel like a piece of my brain is melting out of my ears.
What story are you reviewing today?
It’s called… Why did I do this?
Because you choose to, sir.
No, that’s what the story is called. It’s called Why did I do this? by CrystalFeather
Ever since Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory, it seems like everypony is trying make a story with gore related violence. While I am not entirely opposed to the idea, it can’t just be done for the stake of gore related violence. It still needs to tell a story, it still needs to have relatable characters and if you’re going to have canon characters be the slasher, it needs to make sense!
You can’t just throw whatever halfcocked piece of shit explanation you want into the story and expect us to buy it, it doesn’t fucking work!
And unfortunately, that is what we get with today’s story. I know I’m not excited about reading this piece of shit, so let’s get this over with.
Twilight Sparkle was in the recesses of her home making a potion. It would change psychotic pony into a normal tempered pony.
It was called alcohol and believe me it will turn me into a normal tempered pony.
So, yeah, apparently Twilight Sparkle is a psychologist now. Sure puts Asylum into perspective. I guess Twilight really does read everything she touches.
She apparently has a psychotic pony in the room that she plans to test the potion. We never really get an explanation of what made her decided to turn to psychology or why she suddenly has a patient. We never learn who the patient is, what his psychological problem is or what his back story is. Hell, we don’t even get a name from the guy. He’s just crazy and that’s apparently all you need to know.
But there was a catch unknown by her; the potion would alter if the normal tempered pony drank the potion.
Wow, way to spoil the rest of the story for us in the first paragraph. Now I don’t have to read anymore. Have a great day guys.
I would not recommend this course of action, sir. Fans would be most upset.
Can I just not review this one?!
You have already started. I would recommend finishing the review.
Ugh… Fine, but you people owe me for this.
She learned how to make potions by watching Zecora make them for others.
Oh, yes. I’m sure that just watching Zecora mixing potions in a pot makes you an expert in potion making. All the explanations of dosages and the right chemical mixture? Pfft, you don’t need that.
Pinkie Pie enters Twilight’s house wondering what she is up to. Twilight welcomes her into her home and I have to scratch my head at this.
Not because Twilight is welcoming Pinkie Pie, but the fact that Twilight is letting Pinkie into her house, while she is not only with a psychological patient, but experimenting with a new potion. Wouldn’t you not want ponies poking their heads around in your patient’s business?
Psychological is here to help test the potion; he really wants to be change. I think that's what he said. Anyways, in 3 seconds flat, he will change." Twilight answered.
So, his name is Psychological? Damn, his parent’s must have had incredible foresight. Though to be fair, it is Equestria, so…
Pinkie Pie, in normal Pinkie Pie fashion, asks Twilight what flavor the potion will be.
As long as it’s not grape flavored, you’re pretty much guaranteed to get anyone to try it.
Twilight replies with…
"I know what flavor is, I'm a genius! Geez, but no there is no flavor."
Geez, Twilight. I think your horn is too small for your head. I know you’re smarter than all of us, but you don’t have to be rude about it.
Twilight didn't pay any attention, she grabbed a small glass and put it up the Psychological's mouth.
Wait, so now it’s ‘the Psychological’? What the fuck is going on here? We are not even 200 words in and I’m lost as hell! Is Psychological his name? His title? His occupation? What is he?! What is his story?!
So, Twilight, without testing the potion, at all, forces it down the Psychological’s throat?... You know what? I’m just going to call him ‘Steve’. However, Steve doesn’t seem to have any reaction to it. At all. There is nothing to indicate that Steve has any emotions, any feelings. Nothing. He doesn’t do a thing.
Hell, maybe Steve is dead and Twilight is just too stupid to notice. Given what is about to come up, that would not surprise me at the least.
"What the? When Zecora does potions they always work." Twilight said astonished.
Maybe because she actually knows what she’s doing! And all you’ve done is watch her make potions, instead of her actually teaching you!
Oh and here is the stupidest thing that Twilight will ever do in any fan fiction ever. I dare anypony. Anypony to come up with something that is stupider than what I am about to show you. I dare you to show me Twilight doing something stupider than this.
She took a sip of the potion to see if it would work. Nothing happened still.
Yep… She drank the potion. A potion designed for crazy horses. 
No, not him.
An untested potion, no preliminary tests to show how it might affect her, no analysis of its effects on test subjects or any kind of research into potion making outside of “watching Zecora” and she drinks it up like its lemonade.
Did this author even read their story before publishing it?
I mean, this is so unbelievably stupid! I can’t believe that somepony of Twilight’s intelligence and wisdom would be absolutely stupid enough to drink an untested potion! Twilight is one of the smartest characters in the show and in your story, she admitted to being a genius! And this is what this ‘genius’ would do in this situation?
Hell, she’s making Rainbow Dash from “Applejack’s Love Poison Dilemma” look competent by comparison.
I really don’t know what to say. That’s the biggest, dumbest thing you could do for this story. But unfortunately for me, this story is still going, so let’s just move on.
Pinkie Pie goes home and Twilight heads off to bed. You might be asking what happened to Steve? Keep wondering… he’s never mentioned again. He was just a forced tool to get this story rolling. Well, I’m glad your imagination couldn’t come up with an actual character to present this scenario on Twilight, otherwise, you might have actually had a good story. But you, of course, took the easy way out and made a character so forgettable, that you leave your audience questioning why this character was even born. Thank you, author. Thank you.
In the middle of the night, Twilight goes walking in her sleep.
But she stopped for a second. She fell to the floor in pain. She was changing.
"What's happening?!"
Oh, my god! She’s turning into a Mary-Sue! Run!
So after… um…we see nothing of what she changes into, we cut to Sugarcube Corner where Twilight is seen skulking around the place.
Twilight's eyes were like sombra's eyes, and her mane was all messed up.
All I need is some medication for my eyes. I’m turning into a second rate villain.
Wow, that’s two weeks in a row I’ve made fun of Sombra. … I really should stop. Tell you what guys. If he can get more than 7 lines of dialogue in a single episode, I’ll stop making fun of him.
So, Twilight tip toes into Sugarcube Corner (yes, horses do have toes. I checked), however, she accidently wakes up Pinkie Pie.
She got scared
Show, don’t tell. If she was scared, how did her fear affect her?! Don’t tell me she is scared! Show her being scared! Her hooves were sweaty, her heart was racing, her teeth were jittering, I don’t know! But fucking something!
she grabbed the first item she could find in her room.
Was it this?
Yeah, that will pretty much guarantees her safety. Turns out that they were having a sale on Laughter War machines at the Island of Laughter.
(cupcake)
What was that? Are you referencing Cupcakes? Why? And for that matter, why are you just saying cupcake? Is it supposed to symbolize how ironic this is to cupcakes? Is cupcake the weapon Pinkie Pie picked up? What is that supposed to tell us?! What are you trying to say?!
So, Pinkie Pie gets ambushed by Twilight and is then murdered. Yeah, it’s like half a second long too. No struggle, no internal torment. Hell, Twilight just jumps on her and cuts her up with a butcher’s knife.
"AH!" Pinkie screamed.
Yes, apparently, Pinkie Pie screamed so loud that nopony else in the house heard them. Mr. and Mrs. Cake must think that it’s Pinkie Pie making cupcakes in their basement again.
So, Pinkie Pie is dead and Twilight, for some reason, changes back to her normal self to overlook the body of her new dead friend. And actually takes murdering her best friend, pretty damn well. Uncharacteristically well.
Twilight changed back with not as much pain changing.
Oh, really? That wouldn’t have been interesting to read about. I thought she had been in pain because she fell out of bed and not because of the transformation. Thanks for making that clear, author.
So, they have a funeral for Pinkie Pie. It doesn’t indicate how much time has passed. Why am I bringing this up? Well, as we said last chapter, Twilight sees that she is the one who murdered Pinkie Pie. And yet, she seems pretty damn okay with it. She doesn’t confess her crime, doesn’t try to isolate herself from everypony to find out what is going on. Hell, she just goes to Pinkie Pie’s funeral likes it’s nothing.
Oh, yeah and apparently, Twilight also doesn’t remember killing her. Really? Because I think it would be fucking obvious that she did! What with a butcher knife in her hoof and Pinkie’s blood all over her! Wouldn’t that be like Godzilla waking up in the ruins of Tokyo and wondering if he was the one who smashed it?
Speaking of the funeral, apparently, Pinkie Pie wasn’t that well missed.
By then everything was quiet. Without Pinkie Pie keeping the smiles alive, Ponyville turned quiet. The ponies didn't smile at all after her death. But after that day, everything returned to some what normal.
So, apparently, after a day, everything returned to normal. Okay, in the stories defense it does say, ‘somewhat’, but what the hell does that mean? The only explanation for what ‘somewhat’ means is that
No pony had seen Rainbow Dash in a very long time.
So, did Pinkie’s death not affect anypony? It only says that they were sad up until the day after they buried her. There is no indication of Pinkie Pie being missed after that. And I very much doubt somepony, who singlehoofedly made everypony’s day brighter, so that they wouldn’t kill each other, would be forgotten so quickly.
Besides, who doesn’t love that song? … Shut up! That’s my favorite song in the show and I’m standing by it!
Anyway, Rainbow Dash locks herself into her home and continues to grieve over Pinkie Pie’s death. The only in-character moment in this story. Be grateful we even got that.
However, Twilight tiptoes into her house… Why do I see this every time I think that?
This is the only time you will see Spike in this story. Enjoy it while you can. Yeah, you were probably wondering why Spike doesn’t appear in this story, even though he would probably be the one to figure out that Twilight keeps sneaking out of the library every night and killing all friends. But like everything else, it gets forced out of the story to make room for stupid ass murderous Twilight, that doesn’t even make sense to begin with!
Also, isn’t it kind of odd that Steve hasn’t had any change to him, whatsoever? And yet, Twilight seemed to be affected by it? Wouldn’t Steve have changed with Twilight? He drank the same damn potion!
So, Twilight breaks into Rainbow Dash’s house and attacks her.
She saw Twilight down the hall with a bloody knife held by her magic, the horn color wasn't the same.
Yeah, apparently, Twilight’s horn is a different color now. I assume that he means magical aura or whatever fans are calling it now, but hey the author didn’t give a shit when he/she wrote this, so why should I?
Then she remembered that the knife that Twilight was holding, was the same weapon that killed Pinkie.
Wait, they knew what murder weapon was used on Pinkie Pie?! And there was no follow up on the investigation?! Are you fucking kidding me?! If they have a murder weapon, why isn’t it being used for evidence? I’m pretty sure the method of which the murder was committed would be pretty damn useful in the investigation! Especially if they dusted it for… okay, maybe not hoof prints since Twilight carried it with her magic, but maybe there is a magical ‘fingerprint’ that’s unique to all unicorns. And if that’s too bizarre for you, maybe a trace of hair or something.
Also, if the police did have it, but, for some reason, didn’t consider it evidence, how would they know it was Twilight Sparkle’s, since she now has it?!
Cop: Miss Twilight Sparkle, we found your knife covered in Pinkie Pie’s blood the other day. Do you know anything about that?
Nope. Don’t know anything about it.
Cop: We also found Rainbow Dash’s head cut off and put on a spike in your front yard. You wouldn’t happen to know how that got there, would you?
Can’t say I do.
Cop: We also found Luna and Celestia crucified in your backyard with a big sign over their heads in blood spelling, “I, Princess Twilight Sparkle, hereby murder Luna and Celestia.” Would you know anything about that?
Nope.
Cop: Okay, we were just checking. Have a good day.
Good god, these cops are making the ones from Avenging Hobbits’ Flutterhulk look like fucking Robocop.
"You killed Pinkie Pie?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Why yes, I can't believe you figured that out!
I’m surprised as fuck that Twilight hasn’t figured it out yet! Isn’t Twilight supposed to be the smart one? Maybe her brain is taking a vacation. Just like the author’s when he wrote this piece of shit.
And guess who's next?" Twilight teased.
Hopefully, me. So I don’t have to read this story anymore.
So, yeah, Twilight murders Rainbow Dash, but then the sun comes up and changes her back to normal. Yeah, apparently, Twilight only becomes evil during the night, proving that, once again, Celestia is so much better than Luna.
Okay, two deaths and Twilight has broken out of her trance after the murders. Surely, now Twilight will come to realize that she is connected with their deaths.
"How did I end up here? How do I make it here at the times of their deaths?" Twilight asked herself.
Or Twilight could continue to be a fucking idiot!
So, they have a funeral for Rainbow Dash the next day. Damn, they work fast on funerals, don’t they? I guess with Pinkie Pie gone, everypony just doesn’t care about life anymore.
Ponyville Suicide Rates Before Pinkie’s Death: 0
Ponyville Suicide Rates After Pinkie’s Death: 5 in 6 ponies.
Rainbow Dash's funeral, all her friends came and said a few words.
Yeah, don’t worry about seeing the few words being said in Rainbow Dash’s honor. We never see them. So, I guess the author had nothing good to say about Rainbow Dash.
Hell, even the Wonderbolts say more than her friends do about her! What the hell kind of friends are these?
Oh and our beloved ‘genius’ is still completely dense as to how she arrived at the ponies’ home, has their blood all over her body and only awakens after their dead. But of course, I’m thinking of canon Twilight, where she would at least try to figure out what is going on and isolate herself until she discovered what is going on.
And here’s another problem I have with this story. The investigation. The problem? There is no mention of one! Remember those cops I spoke about before? Well, instead of being mentioned, like they should, they never appear once in this story!
I very much doubt that Celestia would just sweep the fact that one of the Elements of Harmony, one of the six guardians of Equestria, was murdered. If this were in an in-canon story of My Little Pony, every single soldier in the Equestrian Military would be working around the clock to find out the identity of Pinkie and Rainbow Dash’s killer!
The remaining Elements of Harmony wielders would be put into protective custody, since they are the most likely targets! And it’s not like Celestia doesn’t know about the murders, she attends Pinkie Pie’s funeral! You mean to tell me that Celestia isn’t going to put an investigation together when one of her most faithful student’s best friends dies?! BULL CRAP!
When Rainbow Dash was put to her final sleep, every pony left without their tears
What is it with the ponies of Ponyville not giving a shit about the characters after they are buried?
Okay, moving on. So, Twilight goes to Rarity and asks her to make a dress for her in Rainbow Dash’s honor. Seems kind of stupid since Rainbow Dash doesn’t normally like dresses, but hey, this is Dumbass Sparkle. Dumbass Sparkle is completely in-character with this scene and every scene before and after it.
So, Rarity agrees making the dress for Dumbass.
the dress was beautiful,
Was it this beautiful?
Not what you had in mind? Then describe it! Although the multiple colors do represent Rainbow Dash, it just looks horrible!
So, they decide to do a fitting on Twilight and Rarity starts laughing at how odd it looks on Twilight. Which is completely insensitive. Bitch.
Twilight started to get annoyed, she took the dress off, and trotted home. She was so mad, Rarity would laugh at this thing that ment so much to Twilight.
… Remember when I said that I dared you all to find something where Twilight did something stupider than drinking that untested potion… Well, I found it… I found it… In the same fucking story! Get a load of this bullshit!
I hope something happens to her tonight. Twilight whispered to herself.
… You know… sometimes… I get asked how I am able to review such stories… week in and week out… and… it’s not easy… It’s not easy having to sitting through the most revolting of stories on the website. There is being stupid… and then there is clearly not even giving a shit. This story clearly does not care. Its author doesn’t care. Its characters don’t care… it just doesn’t care.
Twilight… after seeing two of her friend’s deaths… asks for something to happen to Rarity. Now, I know that she is upset for Rarity laughing at her when she was trying to get something nice for Rainbow Dash (which was still incredibly out of character), but for her to wish such a thing to happen, especially so shortly after Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were murder. … It just makes me absolutely sick.
Let’s continue…
So, yeah, Twilight breaks into Rarity’s home and starts sneaking around. Rarity ends up hearing the noise and thinks that it’s Sweetie Belle.
"It's not me." Sweetie Belle said as she looked up at Rarity.
" If you aren't up? Some pony must be inside. Stay here, don't move no matter what."
And if it sounds like I’m being ripped open by a psychopath with a knife, definitely don’t call the police. And if I unleash a blood curdling scream, don’t get out of the house to safety.
Uh… Rarity, wouldn’t that be the first thing I’d want to do?
Seriously, Sweetie, that’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.
So, Rarity gets killed by Twilight again. Seriously, this is sounding like Gainbow Dash, but instead of having sex, it is replaced with murder. Seriously, it’s practically identical as far as story structure. Sweetie Belle stays in her room, not even hearing about the murder taking place.
The sun begins to rise and Twilight wakes up from her trance. Okay, third friend in three days. Surely, Twilight has to realize that something is seriously wrong with her.
"How does this keep happening!" Twilight screamed.
Why do I even try anymore?
So, after three ponies later, Twilight finally discovers what has been happening. I’m surprise the half the town hasn’t been buried yet with her detective skills.
After Rarity's funeral, Twilight went back to her lab, trying to figure out how she always ended up at the time her friends were killed. The it came to mind, her potion
I’m a genius! And half of my friends are dead!
"I took a sip of it, and it didn't work for psychological, but maybe every night, I'm changing. And the last pony I see, is the one that is killed that day. It's me! I'm the murderer!" Twilight thought.
So, Applejack comes into Twilight’s house carrying around apples, because that is the only thing that is associated with her character. It’s certainly not hard work, family values, determination, a willingness to help others, bravery, selflessness and honesty. No, she’s only apples.
Twilight confesses to Applejack that she’s the murderer, but Applejack doesn’t believe her, saying that Twilight would never do something like that. This would be an in-character moment, if Twilight wasn’t so upset about this and Applejack doesn’t even question it. In fact, she goes home shortly after without even asking why Twilight would even think that.
Now, once could say that Applejack thinks that Twilight is under duress, but wouldn’t a true friend like Applejack want to be there to figure out why her friend would blame herself? I guess she does only care about apples.
Anyway, night falls and we see Twilight sneaking around Sweet Apple Acres. One would think that Twilight would do something sensible like, turning herself in or asking Princess Celestia for help, but remember this is Dumbass Sparkle. The pony who would do the exact opposite of anything resembling Twilight Sparkle.
Applejack hears a noise and decides to go to investigate.
"I'll go down stairs, Big Mac look up here with Applebloom." Applejack ordered.
And if it sounds like a murder is happening downstairs, just pretend like everything’s okay. And definitely don’t call the police.
That’s the same thing Rarity said to Sweetie Belle before she died.
Come on, do you really think I’ll die if I go?
So, Applejack goes down and Twilight attacks her and kills her. Sure didn’t waste any time with her, did you author?
The sun rises and I just thought of something. Isn’t it odd that Twilight always kills her prey seconds before Celestia raises the sun? What if one day Celestia decided to raise the sun late? Would evil Twilight just stare at the body until the sun came up?
So, Big MacIntosh and Apple Bloom actually rush downstairs to see Twilight standing over the dead body of their sister. I would ask why they don’t instantly accuse her of murdering Applejack, but hey, this is an idiot plot. We can’t have intelligent characters in an idiot plot.
Don’t know what an idiot plot is? Look it up.
"Applejack? Is she?" Applebloom asked Big Mac.
Wow, that was kind of harsh, Big Mac. Is this how you always give depressing news to kids?
Stupid question.
Shut up!
So, they have the funeral for Applejack where the whole Apple family comes along.
Fluttershy asks Twilight what they should do, and Twilight leaves her to go read up on the potion she made.
She must be really sad about losing almost all her friends. Twilight thought.
That night, Fluttershy gets murdered in her house by Twilight. Yeah, nothing much else happens or is even worth mentioning.
I guess Fluttershy was begging to be killed quickly to get out of this stupid story.
"No, no. Not again!" Twilight screamed.
NO! NOT AGAIN! NOT SOMETHING THAT I COULD HAVE TOTALLY PREVENTED BY ACTUALLY TURNING MYSELF IN OR GETTING HELP FROM SOMEPONY WHO COULD ACTUALLY HELP ME LIKE PRINCESS CELESTIA, OR LUNA, OR DISCORD OR SHINING ARMOR OR PRINCESS CADENCE OR ANYPONY I KNOW IN PONYVILLE WHO ACTUALLY LIKES ME! WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!
At Fluttershy's funeral, not many ponies had shown up to the funeral;
Dicks… Or maybe they’re getting tired of funerals. After all, this is the fifth funeral in five days.
Twilight, being depressed about murdering her friends, but clearly not enough to do anything about it, decides to go to the Crystal Empire to clear her head. Yeah, because when you turn into a murderous psychopath every night, the first thing you’d want to do is get closer to the ones you love. That makes perfect sense! It certainly makes it easier for you to kill them!
Twilight explains what happened to Shining Armor and of course, this being an idiot plot, Shining reacts as if Twilight forgot to take their dog for a walk to other day. Twilight is allowed to stay at the Crystal Empire, provided that she be kept under close guard.
Cadence tries to ask Twilight what is going on, but Twilight refuses to tell her. So, Shining Armor is okay to explain it to, but Cadence isn’t? Well, I think we all know that Shining Armor is going to die. After all, we have to keep this dumbass mystery going somehow.
When they get to Twilight’s room, Shining says he will stand guard over her, but then decides that he needs his beauty sleep. Oh, fuck me.
And then Twilight murders Shining Armor.
Twilight used her magic holding the butcher's knife.
Where does she keep finding the butcher’s knives?! Do the just spontaneously appear when she changes into her ‘evil’ self?! Does she just keep them up her ass to use them on whoever she wants?!
So, with Shining Armor dead and the only pony in the room being Twilight, surely Princess Cadence… Oh, wait, I had hope for a second. Never mind.
So, they have a funeral for Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle’s brother. Why am I reminding you of information you already know? Because I’m hoping that the author is reading this and I hope that he thinks about all I’ve said so far.
It is revealed that Cadence wasn’t told about Twilight’s murderous behavior and Twilight will never tell her.
Twilight didn't want to tell her. She didn't want to lose her her favorite Foal- Sitter.
Oh, yeah, because not telling other ponies has protected everypony you love so well. I’m sure Applejack, Fluttershy and Shining Armor would say the same thing.
I have to tell Celestia before it's too late! Twilight said to herself.
Too late…
So, Twilight goes to Celestia and explains what has happened. Celestia tells her to go to hell and … oh, wait, that’s my version of the story.
She tells Twilight to go wait for her. Celestia does what should have happened after Pinkie Pie’s death and locks Twilight in a cell. The moon rises and Twilight goes psycho, but thankfully, since she’s locked up, she can’t hurt anypony. See? My ideas aren’t stupid after all.
Celestia manages to get a potion that cures Twilight of her ‘ailment’ and she explains that she also has a spell that can bring her friends back from the dead.
Did I read that right? I mean, did I seriously read that right?
"Twilight. You haven't lost them all. Cast this spell, round up the elements of harmony, "
Good fucking Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! The Elements of Harmony in bad fan fics! They can do whatever contrived, forced, completely nonsensical thing the author wants them to!
So, yeah, the spell brings them back to life and Twilight is ever so happy. She asks Celestia why she never uses this spell.
"Luna and I only use the spell if need be." Celestia answered.
So, I guess death is no longer an issue with ponies, since now Twilight knows the spell and if anything happens to her friends, she would just use the spell to bring them back to life, making this whole story completely pointless.
And they all lived happily ever after, fuck this piece of shitstorm!
Do I even need to explain why this story sucks?
Shut up, you!
Put aside whether you like gore fan fiction or not, this story is completely idiotic. The premise is stupid, the characters are so out of character that it makes me feel like I’m watching cardboard cut outs of them, the descriptions are weak, the dialogue is terrible, there are tons of typos, and of course, it makes no fucking sense!
There are several ways Twilight could have solved this with a simple thought. And yet, she uses none of them. The whole point of this story was to make Twilight as unbelievable stupid as possible. For some reason, the author hates Twilight Sparkle so much that this story needed to be written.
Look if you don’t like Twilight Sparkle, fine. But if you are going to write her being stupid, it has got to make fucking sense! Her drinking the potion, not telling Celestia what has happened when she discovered that she is the murderer, her not isolating herself when she does figure it out is like you are intentionally trying to make her stupid.
That’s not how good writing works.
The other characters are not much better. Hell, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash seemed to be the only characters actually in character and that’s only because they weren’t in it for very long.
Applejack acts like an idiot for not question why Twilight would think she is responsible for their deaths, Rarity is insensitive and Shining Armor’s a moron. In my opinion, if these characters were this stupid, the probably deserved to die.
And then there is the stupid ass ending! What is that supposed to teach us? If you become a murderer and you kill those you love, it’s okay because there is some magic bullshit that will bring them back to life. Good god, what kind of lesson is that?
There is only one thing to say about this story…
Stop being so courteous!
***
“Good fucking god, that one was awful,” he ranted as he stood up from his normal spot. Suddenly, the lights started to flicker. On and off without any kind of rhythm or rhyme. Critique glanced around him, noting the effects being felt across the entire house. “Computer?”
“It is-“ her speech was cut off by static. “-sir. Something is-“ again her speech was cut.
“Computer, what the hell is going on?!” Critique demanded as he looked up to the ceiling. The front door burst open, sending pieces of the splinters soaring into the room. The Critique fell to the floor, cowering.
He glanced to the opening of the building and spotted a figure trotting towards him. The smoke made concealed most of his body, but Critique was still able to make out his shape. It was certainly a pony. The wings at his side revealed him to be a Pegasus. As the smoke clear, he saw a blue Pegasus smirking at him.
“So, you’re what all the fuss is about?” The Pegasus chuckled. “I’m not impressed so far.”
Critique rose to his feet, glaring at his opponent. “Who the fuck are you?”
Streams of electricity flickered out of the Pegasus’s body as his eyes began to glow white. “The name is Thunder Ice.” He took a step forward. “I’d tell you not to forget it, but you won’t live long enough to worry about that.”
Thunder fired a stream of electricity at the Critique, hitting him before he could act. Critique’s body shook uncontrollably as the electrical current flew through his body. The jolt sent the Critique flying back into the wall behind him. He then fell to the ground with a thud.
His lungs unleashed a moaning as he slowly rose to his feet. Numbness shot through his legs. They tingled as his body attempted to bring life back into them. Looking up at his opponent, he saw him still carrying the same arrogant, pompous smirk he had when he came in. Whoever this pony was, he was taking pleasure in attacking him. “Did I do something to you I should know about? Stole your parking space?”
Thunder shook his head. “Don’t feel like that. It’s nothing personal.” His body began to flicker with electricity once more. “Well, maybe a little personal.” He fire another bolt of lightning at Critique.
Critique quickly leaped to the side, hoping to avoid the lightning bolt. By a miracle, he seemed to step out of its path in time. Whether the bolt was slower than he anticipated or he was fast enough to move out of the way, he wasn’t certain. He looked up to the ceiling as he made his way to the other side of the room. “Computer, shotgun!”
Like magic, a concealed door opened in one of the walls, firing the shotgun into the air and towards Critique. Critique snatched the shotgun from the air and pointed it at his opponent. With a quick pump, he pulled the trigger, unleashing a burst of pellets at Thunder.
However, before the pellets could reach Thunder’s body, there was flash of electricity in front of him, acting like a wall, stopping the blast. Again, Critique fired, hoping for a different reaction. Only to find the same electrical wall preventing any damage to Thunder. Again and again he fired. And again, the wall negated his attack.
Critique grunted in frustration as he threw his now empty shotgun to the ground. Well, that was fucking useless. Thanks, Celestia!
Thunder chuckled. “Nice shot.” He raised his hoof as electricity sparked from it. “Now, it’s my turn.” He pointed his hoof at Critique unleashing another bolt. Critique dived out of the way, narrowing avoid the blast.
Critique rushed into the kitchen with Thunder just behind him, repeatedly firing his lightning bolts at him. They flew past him, instead hitting the walls, leaving black scorching marks on the walls. Critique revealed his phone. “Computer, who is this guy?”
“Unknown-“ static cut her out again, making it impossible to tell what she was saying.
“Computer, what is going on?!”
Static began as she attempted to speak. “-tical interference. I am--- correct the problem.”
“Whatever! Just do something!”
Critique made his way to the far end of the kitchen. He turned to face his opponent, waiting for him to attack. He had hoped to find a weapon in the kitchen, but with Thunder so close, he couldn’t make a move. He needed to put some distance between them, but he wasn’t sure how yet.
He waited in the corner as Thunder slowly approached him, like a cat about to pounce on a helpless mouse. However, Thunder paused for a moment. He turned towards the sink next to him and grabbed one of the cups from the side. He turned on the facet and proceeded to gather up a drink of water.
Critique growled under his breath. Cocky, arrogant bastard! However, he took this moment to dash towards one of the cupboards. He quickly opened it up and revealed a pot. He stood up and threw the pot as hard as he could.
The pot soared through the air until it hit Thunder in the face, causing him to yelp in surprise. Critique had hoped it would knock him out quickly, but he was still standing.
Thunder turned towards Critique, glaring at him. “If you damaged my perfect face, I’ll fry you!” He raised his hoof and fired a stream of lightning at Critique.
Critique dove under the table, avoiding the electrical blast. “You were going to anyway!”
Thunder chortled. “Touché.”
Suddenly, a chilling wind tapped Critique’s front hooves. He stammered backwards as he glanced forward. The floor was coated in ice and the source was coming from Thunder.
Critique raced out from under the table, his eyebrow raised. “You have ice powers too?! That’s so not fair!”
Thunder rose to his feet and conjured a gentle cool breeze against his body. “Now, that’s what I call refreshing.”
Lightning fired from Thunder’s hoof as he pointed it back to Critique. Critique darted for the main hall, hoping that he wasn’t hit by another blast of electricity.
As he entered the main hall, Critique made his way upstairs. He positioned himself on top of the stairs, ready to pounce on his target at any moment. Thunder appeared from the kitchen, scanning the area. While he was distracted, Critique gathered all the strength in his legs and leaped off the staircase, descending to his opponent.
He knocked him to the ground, his forelegs wrapped around him. “Gotcha!” Critique shouted.
Thunder’s eyes glowed as electricity shot through his body and into Critique’s.
Critique yelped in agony as he let go of Thunder’s body. The force of the electricity sent him soaring back several feet. His ears were ringing and his vision faded in and out, as if the lights were flickering on and off. When his vision returned, he noticed Thunder standing directly over him.
“You’re not very smart, are you?” Thunder taunted.
Critique quickly swept his hind leg under Thunder’s forelegs. Without his forelegs, Thunder tumbled to the ground with a thud.
Critique took that moment to rise to his feet and dart to the other end of the library and hide behind a bookshelf. “Computer, now would be good!” He yelled to his phone as a surge of electricity slammed in the book case, lighting several of the books on fire.
“Our foe seems to utilize electricity. It is why it has taken me so long to communicate with you.”
Critique dashed away from the bookcase as it creaked behind him. He narrowly evaded the bookcase as it collapsed to the ground. “Got any other useless information?”
“Have you tried using rubber gloves, sir?” her voice slightly more sarcastic than usual.
Critique ran towards a ladder that lead to higher shelves and the upper level of the library. “Do we have any?!” Another bolt of lightning ran past him, slamming into the wall instead. Thank god, this guy’s a lousy shot.
Critique made his way to the far end of the upper level, crouching into a corner, holding his phone up to his face.
“Indeed we do, sir. Not that you would ever use them to actually clean anything.”
Critique gave a sigh. “That’s why I have you.”
“Regardless, they are in the kitchen.”
Critique’s mouth dropped as his brow narrowed. “Why didn’t you tell me while I was in there?!”
“I assumed you already knew. Apparently, I forgot who I was talking to.”
Critique mockingly mimicked Computer, as he poked his head out from behind the bookcase. Another bolt of lightning shot against the bookcase, causing it to rumble. Critique moved out from behind the book case. He dashed across the walkway above the main floor, avoiding shots of electricity as he moved.
However, his luck was cut short when a blast of lightning finally found his body, sending him to the back bookcase. As he landed on the floor, books fell to the ground with him, some of them slamming into his back. His body throbbed uncontrollably, as if the electricity was still affecting him. Black spots covered his body that burned his skin. He wasn’t sure how much more he could take.
He glanced forward to see a book in front of him burning up. He quickly glanced at the title. “Oh, man! I was almost done with that one too! Now, I’ll never know if Pinkie and Twilight got married!”
His phoned beeped. “Don’t you have more pressing matters to attend to?”
Critique grumbled under his breath. “It was one of the few good stories in this stupid place.” He crawled along the ground, staying as low as he could, but still trying to move quickly. He looked over to his right to see the blue Pegasus soaring up to the higher floors, his hooves pointing straight at him.
So much for that idea, Critique screamed. He quickly picked himself up off the ground and made a mad dash for the kitchen. As he moved, he heard Thunder give a sigh of relief as a cold breeze flew across his face. What is this guy’s problem?
It didn’t seem to matter as that few seconds gave him ample time to make his way down the staircase and into the kitchen.
“They should be in the first cabinet,” Computer’s voice rung from his phone.
Critique dove for the cabinet and opened it as quickly as he could. He frantically shoved several cleaners around, looking for the rubber gloves. Finally, he found the two yellow gloves trapped in a plastic wrapper. “Perfect.”
“Remember, some of my systems are still suffering from the electrical interference. I will be unable to be of much assistance.”
Critique scoffed with a confident smile. “Relax.” He tore open the plastic wrap and slipped the long yellow gloves over his forelegs. “I can handle this.”
A bolt of electricity soared over his head, causing him to hit the ground, quaking in fear. He turn to the doorway of the kitchen to see Thunder standing over him. With his confident smile still intact, he fired a blast of lightning at Critique.
Critique raised his forelegs in front of him. He closed his eyes, praying to whatever god was listening that this would work. A second passed and his felt no pain in his body. He opened his eyes to see Thunder’s mouth hung open. It appears that the gloves had worked.
Thunder scoffed and shook his head. “Really? Rubber?”
Critique smiled and laughed. “Let’s see how tough you are without your lightning powers!” Critique rushed to Thunder. Thunder fired a blast of lightning at him, but Critique was able to block it with his rubber glove.
After coming within striking distance, Critique delivered a blow with his foreleg. Thunder staggered to the ground, but was able to get back to his feet. Another blow came to his face, the rubber glove protecting Critique from any damage.
Thunder stumbled backwards, but was able to keep his footing. As Critique swung another blow, Thunder caught the attack in his own hoof. A quick burst of ice and the glove was frozen solid. Critique’s mouth dropped open as he let out a nervous laugh.
A moment later, a bolt surged through Critique’s body, sending him several feet across the room, slamming into the floor. Critique slowly rose from the ground, the smell of burning meat assaulting his nostrils. “What smells so good?” Critique quipped.
“Not funny, sir,” Computer replied.
Thunder growled as he fired another lightning bolt. Critique quickly rose to his feet and ran for the other side of the room, avoiding the blast.
Critique dove for the cover of the table, avoiding another blast of lightning. As he shivered under the table, he heard the facet turn on once again. He looked out from under the table and Thunder was once again, stealing a drink of water.
What is with this guy?! He stops to steal my water before frying my ass! Critique curled back under the table, grumbling under his breath. However, a though then came to him. What if that isn’t arrogance? What if it’s something else? He quickly reexamined every aspect of the fight he could remember. How the electric attacks were used and for how long. How the ice powers were used. Everything that Thunder had said it the fight. It all led to one answer.
He whispered to his phone, “Computer, turn off all water to the building and turn up the heat all the way.”
“You have a plan?”
Critique shook his head. “I hope so. Otherwise, this will be a short fight.” Critique revealed himself out from under the table. “Yo! Thunder Ass!” Thunder turned towards him firing a bolt of lightning. Critique dove out of its path and raced back into the main hall.
As he made his way to the center of the hall, he found the bookcase from earlier still on the ground, most of the books were now piles of ash. The only thing left from the fire was smoke. He turned his head to the kitchen and shouted. “Can’t you fry any of the bad ones?! Those were good ones!”
Thunder appeared from the kitchen, the same damn smirk on his face. “Oh, I’ll fry the bad one!” He unleashed another bolt from his hoof.
Critique ducked as the bolt passed over his body. Okay, good quip.
He rose to his feet and ran towards another bookcase, hiding behind it. Another series of blasts came at the Critique, but he narrowly avoided them. As he sat down a moment to catch his breath, beads of sweat ran down his face. He wiped his brow gathering all of the sweat in his gloveless hoof. It is getting hot in here. He unwrapped the scarf around his neck and threw it to the ground. Hopefully, he’s feeling it too.
“You know that thunder is the sound, right?!” Critique shouted. “Not the actual bolt itself!”
Another blast hit the bookshelf, causing the books to light on fire. Critique raced out of his only cover, exposing himself out in the open.
Thunder grinned as their eyes met. With a swift move, Thunder unleashed a bolt of lightning at Critique. Critique raised his gloved foreleg in front of him, allowing the glove to absorb the attack. “Is that the best you’ve got? Even Lightning was tougher!”
Thunder growled. He slowly raised his hoof and pointed it at the Critique.
Critique smiled as he watched his opponent. His movements were sluggish. Thunder’s breath was heavy, like he had just run a marathon. “Couldn’t help but notice, you stopped mouthing off.” Critique leaned forward and gave a smirk. “What’s the matter? Mouth a little-“ he licked his lips. “-dry?”
Thunder unleashed a bolt of lightning from his hoof. Critique stepped out of the attack’s path. “You’re so slow. Too hot for you.”
Thunder rushed back into the kitchen and made his way to the sink. He turned the facet handles. Putting the cup under the facet, he waited for the cup to fill. However, not a single drop came to the cup.
Critique watched as Thunder threw the cup against the floor. “That lightning you generate must be incredibly strenuous on your body. It causes your body to overheat. That’s why you need the ice powers.”
Thunder turned to him, his eyes narrowed and his teeth gritting. He raised his hoof and pointing his hoof at Critique.
Critique grinned. “You’re like a battery. You use a lot of electricity and that overheats your body. The ice powers act like a fan.”
Thunder unleashed another bolt of lightning, but as before, Critique simply stepped out of the way.
Critique took a small step towards him. “But what happens when that fan breaks?”
Thunder fell to his knees, heavy panting filling the air around them. “You haven’t beaten me.”
A shadow appeared over Thunder, as he looked up he saw Critique, his hoof ready to strike. “Loser, I just did.”
With a swift blow, Critique delivered his hoof into Thunder’s face. Thunder fell to the ground without another movement.
A tingling sensation was sent up Critique’s foreleg as his hoof started throbbing. “Jesus, that fucking hurt!” He grabbed his hoof and started to shake it, as if trying to shake off the pain.
“Sir, are you alright?” Computer asked.
Critique looked up to the ceiling. “Just fucking peachy.” He looked back down to his hoof, still stinging. “I think I broke my fucking hoof.”
“You will be happy to know that all my systems are back online and that I have sent a message to Princess Celestia about your attack.”
Critique looked back up to the ceiling, his mouth wide open. “You mean you haven’t done that yet?!”
“As I said, my systems were compromised by the electrical interference. The communication system was jammed. Proving that, once again, this was no random attack.”
“What do you mean?”
“That is twice you have been attacked for no reason. While you are incredibly unlikeable, nopony we know would attack you like this. Certainly not want to see you dead. These ponies intentionally choose you. Remember what Lightning Dawn said when you first fought him?”
Critique put his hoof on his chin and shook his head.
“He said that you had put his people in danger.”
“But I don’t do anything!” Critique responded.
“Perhaps, sir. But he believes that you are.”
Critique couldn’t help but stare at the ground, where his opponent lay. Thoughts of more ponies like him, like Lightning, plagued his mind. If these attacks were planned by somepony, and these ponies were just the puppets, who was the puppet master?
***
As the monitor flashed in front of him, it revealed the image of the green stallion standing over another one of his warriors in victory. The Grand Ruler shook his head in disapproval. Thunder was powerful, that was no mistake, but he was rash and arrogant. That was, of course, his down fall. And while he stated to being loyal to him, he did not believe. The Grand Ruler had faith that one day, he would believe and the power of believing would see him through the most difficult of challenges.
Until then, Thunder was a lost soul, looking for the light.
The sound of hoofsteps echoed into the room. “Has there been any word, my Grand Ruler?” Starla’s voice was heard from the darkness.
The Grand Ruler looked back up to the screen. “There has.” Silence reigned in the room for several moments as Starla approached the Grand Ruler’s throne. “Thunder has failed.”
Starla lowered her head, a frown appearing on her face. She glanced away from the screen. The Grand Ruler turned towards her and shook his head. “I fear that our enemy is growing more powerful each passing day.”
Starla raised her head up and took a step forward. “Allow me to deal with him, my Grand Ruler.”
“No. I shall have another deal with him.”
Starla took another step forward. “But-“
The Grand Ruler slammed is hoof against the arm of his throne. “I said, I forbid it.”
Starla lowered her head and turned towards the exit. Her echoing hoofsteps becoming silent as she disappeared into the darkened room.
The Grand Ruler placed his hoof on his chin. One of my unicorns has failed. A Pegasus with powers has failed. Perhaps the answer to defeating him lies in a human.
The Grand Ruler smiled. And I know just the one. It was the perfect human. A human with the power to snap the Critique’s neck like a twig. Surely then, they would have the peace they desired.
Just to let you know, stay away from my stories. It's for your own good.
2309354 Oh, come on. How bad can they be?
2309430
I hope you like King of the Hill...
Ok, you can review them if you want to.
I hated Cupcakes on the plot alone, never read it. I read Rainbow Factory because it sounded like a legetimately good horror story with an interesting plot behind it. Granted it would have been better if Rainbow Dash herself caused the Factory to be discovered by Celestia due to the fact that if it was canon Dash(Or something closer to her), she would have blown the entire conspiracy just by accident a LONG time before the actual story started. I liked Rainbow Factory, but can't say I liked it as a FIM story.
That being said I can understand the temptation to do horror stuff with MLP, if only because it's such an oxymoron with colorful pastel ponies going through it.............. But it needs to be done well. I would say this story COULD have been good if it had capitalized on the horror/suspense angle of the act of murder, even IF Twilight was an incredible idiot in it at least THAT would have been a redeeming quality for delivering a few good scares at least.
Also if that fight thing at the end is going to be a regular thing, I dub you Ponykara
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=poI5dBNien0]
You might consider reviewing better stories.
A more balanced review might be a little more fun to read.
Heck even the Critique can't put up with much more of this @!$%. stories.
Also, I beg you never to put horror images in your stories again .
tickld.com/cdn_image_content/6614.jpg
Seriously, don't. Especially when their the size of my face.
PLEASE don't do that again.
2310568 I second that; that last Twilight image is going to give me nightmares
In other notes, "Pony is a murderer" fics got old really fast. And just handwaving it all is just good for pointing out how the entire fic was completely pointless
Door da door... just enjoin another review and... what... what's happening? Why are you being attacked? Its happened before? Dafuqs happening?!
2311178 You'd be surprised how many people want to kill critics
2311178 Leading up to the review, I've depected OC characters from stories I've reviewed plotting Critique's death.
And yes, the first time he was attacked was in the review Unlikely Allies. He was attacked by Lightning Dawn, Mykan's Mary Sue.
2311202 No, I get why people want him dead, I was just surprised by this bit of seemingly random plot.
2311270 Were these characters in their stories or did you get them to create them for this? Cause if it's the latter I'm gonna start hounding you to rip one if my stories apart so I can make one too. I like to be included in fun things.
2311411 Lightning Dawn, the Grand Ruler, and Starla was an OC by Mykan's My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing. One of the most atrocious fan fiction of all time. (as far as MLP)
Thunder Ice was an OC created by Thunder Ice from a story called Human of a Pony. A story I absolutely loathed for his unbelievable Mary Sue, forced romance and plot points that were never explored upon.
I mostly take the most interesting, (and sometimes overpowered) OC's that I can find and the ones that I believe I can milk a good fight scene out of.
I take the characters from their stories (usually trying to keep their personalities in tact, but most of them are pretty bland, so I need to pick a personality trait that they have and exaggerate it.) and put them into my stories as antagonist.
2311448 Oh. Darn it.
2311503 I'm not saying you can't do that. All you have to do is make an unbelievably bad story with an overpowered completely unlikable OC with a romantic interest that is completely forced on the main character for no rhyme or reason and put them in a plot that makes absolutely no sense.
2311534 I'm half tempted to, but writing a story with the intent to make it bad and it being bad would actually be a success.
Actually, now I kinda wanna write a story Narrating a day for Twilight, but Twilight can hear the narration and keeps telling the narrator to do a better job. She'd probably also point out some overly used terminology in fanfics, like his people always use horse genders, but I hear the word 'girls' used a lot in the show. Anyways I'm rambling ideas now.
2309444 I do
"BILL!! Bill, you have to be the stupidest man on the planet to think this is a good idea! Have you seen what you're wearing?! That outfit makes you look like a sequined trainwreck! LOOK AT YOU! You're part of a twelve-headed jackass! This chorus is the feces that is produced when shame eats too much stupidity! You people make me envy the deaf and the BLIND!! UNDERWEAR!! MONEY! FAT!!"
2315800
Haw!
All those tentacle henti Twilight fics would beg to differ.
Me.
Sums up every bad fan project involving her ever.
... Is this a regular occurrence? I'm pretty sure you can only die once...
What else do you expect from a background pony?!
Anyways, great review! I hate both Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory, so this story wasn't a good idea to begin with. Enjoy some oddly fitting metal.
Oh, I'll be getting to those stories soon enough. But I've read your review on them and enjoyed them.