The disease of FOS (Facebook Outreach Syndrome) · 8:16pm Jul 12th, 2014
To everyone I haven't spoken to since sixth grade,
As a matter of fact, I do remember you.
You? We never talked back then, or at least did anything I'd care to call 'talking'. You did say things to me once in a while. You also said things about me. I believe most of them would currently get you dragged into a Human Resources department, or possibly just hired by the ones who share those views.
But that was nothing compared to you, the youthful rumormonger. Now, what was that funny one you used to spread about my father? I thought you got that from your parents, personally -- I also happen to remember when your mom saw a man kiss a sixth-grader on the cheek as he picked her up in front of the school and tried to get him arrested for it, which is a really fun thing to do with someone's godparent. Is she still insisting she was right all along, especially that part when she accused the kid of being a preteen prostitute? Fun times, right?
Oh, and then we have you. I have a distinct recollection of that thing you borrowed. Don't you? The one you kept for a month past what you said you would and then, when I came to your house to get it back, you told your dad it was yours, you'd saved your money for months to get it, and I was just trying to steal by pretending it was mine all along, so he should throw me out on your behalf and threaten to have me arrested? Gosh, wasn't that just childish innocence at play?
And you... you're the one who had the budding hair fetish. That is why you kept yanking on mine, right? Have you already spoken to your friend with the compulsive groping disorder? Remember all those team-ups you two had? Good times, I'm sure. Every SVU says so.
It's true that I haven't spoken to any of you since sixth grade.
Did you ever think there was a reason for that? Or does your collective memory still only recall what you wanted to happen?
So no, I really don't want to know what you've been up to lately. I'm not particularly interested in reconnecting over our common past. I'm not accepting your Friend request, but you did give me two minutes of helpless amusement while laughing at the very word, so thank you for that. I don't have to be physically anywhere near you these days and I don't care to let it happen electronically either.
I am lifting up your rock so you can crawl back under it. But it's rather heavy, so if I slip and drop it on your head, oopsie.
Let the past stay there. Because if you don't, there's another form of reconnecting with people you used to know. It's called knee-to-crotch.
I know it won't look all that good on your wall, but my Instagram account will just dazzle when I post your crying face in HD.
Sincerely,
Estee
P.S. But it was nice to see your vocabulary and writing skills are exactly what they used to be.
It's like having a swarm of reminiscent mosquitoes asking you out to lunch.
Some people change as the years go by, becoming less idiotic.
Others you smile politely at and never talk to the assholes.
At times, Facebook confuses me. Especially in the way that people will try to reconnect with you years and years after having only had the same first period class together (at least I think it was first period).
I really wish that people would realize that sometimes, the only thing they still share with others they used to know is the past.
Somewhat akin to when the girl you (censored) twenty+ years ago and have never seen since sends a Facebook request because she saw a newspaper article that featured your daughter (now a cheerleader). No. Just... No.
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But at least it didn't end with "...and I was wondering if I could ask your daughter out."
I'll just wait until you finish your three-hour shower.
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Ooooh. Yikes. I'm sorry you must suffer this.
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No, that one didn't (and currently couldn't) happen to me. I was just tossing out one of many parental worst-case scenarios.
The greatest thing about growing up is that nobody gets to tell you that you have to go to a certain place and spend your days with certain people that you hate.
Or, at the very least, they have to reimburse you financially for doing so.
It's too bad none of those people will actually see this.
I avoid Facebook because it seems even more pointless than what I usually do on the Internet, and yet I know that if I were to start, I'd probably never stop. Also, I'm rather paranoid about maintaining some semblance of anonymity. Just because the government knows everything I do here doesn't mean I want to share it with anyone who asks.
Still, good to know there's yet another reason to avoid the site.
This is the exact reason that I refuse to create a Facebook account. I never want to see any of the bastards that made my childhood a living hell ever again.
"But you can set your account to private." "You don't have to accept friend requests." "You can block users." But if I don't join the site, I don't have to do any of that. Besides, I just don't trust Facebook's privacy policy.
The best thing about the past? Every day I wake up, it's further away.
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None of them may see the totality, but individuals did receive personalized versions.
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If you want the dark conspiracy theory view: most governments have rules which they at least have to openly pretend they're operating under. Facebook? Not. So. Much.
In the end, I think we're going to see one of the greatest class-action privacy violation lawsuits of all time. Which they will lose. And then promptly declare themselves bankrupt so as to never pay a thing.
Familiar story, completely predictable ending.
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I avoided Facebook for years pretty much for that exact reason, but now that I'm in a club that I like being a part of which interacts through Facebook, I'm giving it a try. I'm not worried about people I hate from my past coming back to haunt me because I drifted through childhood alone, barely bothering to interact with any of my peers.
Also, if it weren't for Facebook there wouldn't be that great Game of Thrones parody that consists of fake Facebook posts between the characters, so I'm gonna look on the bright side.
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Hopefully the next big social networking site will learn from all of that.
2279820 the internet, and Facebook, is global. That is going to be one hell of a lawsuit.
2279970 My guess is, they'll learn from it. They'll last twice as long before getting caught, and go bankrupt before the lawyers get the first deposition...
Often, the people who made your life miserable in school will have grown up to be perfectly ordinary, non-terrible people. Most of them may not genuinely remember how awful they were as kids, too.
Some, though, started off as nasty kids and have blossomed into awful adults. They are to be avoided.
The problem lies in telling these two categories apart in advance. A blanket ignoring of them all is one of the better ways of handling it!