The Critique's Review: The Elements Vs Their Fiercest Enemies · 5:23pm Jul 9th, 2014

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Well, it is about time to see another crappy fan fiction. So, what’s it going to be today?

… Fuck my life.

Yes, this is going to be a crappy story about crappy OCs. My god, how is it OC’s are hard to create?! Okay, I take it back. OC’s are easy to create. Throw shit together and call it a character. A good OC is infinitely harder. It takes time and preparation and actually devotion to them.

Maybe not too much devotion where they become your god, but a little more than this story gave us! And the pacing! The un-godly-awful pacing of this story! It feels like this story is on coke and energy drinks!

God, I just read the entire thing by the time this intro was finished. And I got to tell you, it’s bad! It’s horrible! It’s horrendous! And you’re all going to go through the exact same pain I went through! This is The Elements Vs Their Fiercest Enemies by RainbowDashrules95

It was a bright and sunny morning.

Bored already.

The main six are in a park having a picnic when all of a sudden Spike should show up with a letter from Celestia.

Dear Twilight,
In Canterlot, There Is A Huge Chrisis Going On. The Changelings Are Back And Badder Than Ever! I Need You To Use The Elements Of Harmony And Defeat The Changelings And Queen Chrysalis Before Things Get Out Of Hand. I Await Your Arrival,
Signed,
Princess Celestia

If I Capitalize All The Words In My Letter, It Makes Me Look Like I Have An Idea Of What I Am Doing!

Oh, yeah and letter is so poorly written. Would you ever think that Celestia would use the phrase “badder”? Unless she is a huge fan of George Thorogood.

Also, wouldn’t you want to include exactly how the Changelings are “badder?” What does that imply? Are they giants? Do they have laser beams from their eyes? Did they start a metal band? What does “badder” mean?!

"Oh No! Lets go girls! We Need To Get To Canterlot Immediately!" Twilight said with fear.

It’s a good thing my audience is so stupid that I have to be telling them that Twilight is in fear and not describing one’s actions that would indicate fear. I’m so smart for telling how Twilight feels. Also, usually saying “said with emotion” is the sign of an amateur writer.

"Can I come too?" Spike asked.
"No Spike, you should stay here." Twilight replied.
"Oh come on, I never get to come on these missions!"

It’s because I’m not a pony, isn’t it? Why do I get cut from every single story? I’m one of the main characters for Celestia’s sake!

They arrive at the train station, but the train manager tells them that a train won’t be available until tomorrow.

"It's alright. Thank you."

Wrong! That is not the reaction you should have to this kind of problem! You have Changelings in Canterlot that are probably tearing it apart, since they are “badder”, whatever the hell that means! She should be panicking and asking the train manager if there is anything he can do, explaining the situation to him in the process.

Agreed, there might be nothing he can do, but this is not the reaction I would expect from Twilight, given her experience with Queen Chrysalis!

Now that was more accurate.

So, the girls come up with the “brilliant” idea of walking on the tracks to get to Canterlot. Rarity, just like every bad fan fiction, has to bitch about it first.

"And get my hoof's dirty?! I don't think so!" Rarity complained.

Yes, because she would never put aside her own happiness for the sake of others. That would be the generous and selfless thing to do. I’m so glad her element isn’t generosity. Oh wait… IT FUCKING IS!

Also, the way this is written, it’s like the hoof has possession of the dirty. Does Rarity’s hoof have possession over all dirt?

It’s both a blessing and a curse!

Anyway, they finally agree to travel to Canterlot by hoof, which begs the question of how long it would actually take them to get there. Wouldn’t it take less time to get to Canterlot by train than it would be on hoof? Hell, why doesn’t Rainbow Dash fly ahead to get an idea of what is happening? Or what about Twilight’s balloon? Or other balloons in the town? I’m sure that if you explained it to the citizens, they would give up whatever they could to stop the Changelings.

We’re only on chapter 2 and the characters are already acting stupid.

The girls ran down the tracks. After thirty minutes, they arrived at Canterlot.

Wait, if Canterlot was so close, why the hell did they even bother with the train?! Screw transportation, getting to Canterlot is like walking to the park!

Obviously, it’s just a hop, skip and a jump from Ponyville to Canterlot.

So, they get to Canterlot and discover that it has been taken over. Yeah… Yeah, that’s never explained. Hell, there isn’t even a mention of how they took over Canterlot in a half hour. Twilight decides to disguise herself as a changeling to sneak into the castle and grab the Elements of Harmony.

She seen 2 of the changelings guarding the door. She stood next to one of them. She waited a few seconds, and Bucked the changeling next to her, then she bucked the other one. Both changelings were knocked out. She gave the signal to the girls, they ran in. Twilight opened the door, and took the Elements Of Harmony.

… I’m sorry. It’s just that… that sentence was so boring, I half fell asleep. You kind of see where the pacing problem is. There is absolutely no substance to the sentences. We get nothing of where they are, nothing about the environment, nothing about the characters and nothing about the emotions. It’s just stuff, stuff and stuff. And ironically, the incredibly rushed pacing makes this story a bore to sit through.

But let’s move on with this trash…

So, Twilight grabs the Elements of Harmony and gives them to her friends. The Changelings discover them, but find out they are too late.

"Everyone got them on?" Twilight asked.

Thank you, Big Mac. Have a Big Mac.

So, I guess, they have a chase scene… I don’t know; see if you can figure it out.

They all stopped at the enterance seeing a bunch of Changelings at the door.
"We have to get out of here! Stand Around Me!!!" Twilight said with anger.
"Oh My Goodness Oh My Goodness!!!" Fluttershy said with fear.
Twilight used her horn and made a magic bubble shield.
"Okay, Lets get going! " Twilight said.
They ran with the bubble moving with them. Twilight's horn still glowing.
"There is too many of them!" Applejack yelled.

Yeah, pretty fucking confusing on the pacing, isn’t it? Sure as hell doesn’t let you know what the hell is going on. My god, I’ve read instruction manuals that made more sense!

Anyway, they finally manage to beat back the Changeling army with Twilight’s magic, making me wonder what the “badder” phrase was if they were easily taken down, as they make their way to the throne room, where Celestia is being held captive by Chrysalis.

Twilight and her friends use the Elements of Harmony and defeat Chrysalis. … Yeah, I bet you thought there was some intricate plan that Chrysalis had or that she had some kind of diabolical speech about how she was going to drain the love from Equestria or that she had this speech prepared about who she wants revenge on Twilight for defeating her. I mean, Celestia only had to explain that Chrysalis and her changelings were “badder” than ever, so one would think that they would actually have difficulties dealing with her.

Nope, she’s just there to get hit by the Elements of Harmony. Good god, she doesn’t even have a fucking line of dialogue in this story. All of the sudden she’s there, which you could barely tell since the only explanation we get that she’s even in the story is because Celestia tells us and BAM, Elements of Harmony send her away. What was even the point of including her in this story? Why did she need to be there? Was there seriously no other way this story could have been crafted without Chrysalis? Did you lose a bet to her or something?

Chrysalis: So, you agreed to have me in your next fan fiction as per our bet. I’m dying to hear what kind of scheme I’m going to be hatching.

Author: Well, I think you’ll enjoy it Miss Chrysalis. In this story, you plan an invasion of Canterlot.

Chrysalis: Oh, yes. Tell me more.

Author: Well, Twilight Sparkle comes with the Elements of Harmony and stops you.

Chrysalis: Yes, but I do have a brilliant plan to make it difficult for her, right?

Author: Well… no. That’s pretty much all you do.

Chrysalis: Wait, so I’m there just to be shot out of Canterlot?

Author: Pretty much.

Chrysalis: Well, do I at least give a speech about how “I’ll have my revenge” or something resembling that?

Author: Actually, you don’t even have a line of dialogue and you are completely forgotten about afterwards.

Chrysalis: … I should have just stuck with the pink fluffy thing.

Anyway, after Chrysalis is fired from the story, along with logic, we get an introduction the real main villains of the story, the Pain Six.

The Pain Six? Seriously, that was the best name you could come up with? Was the Baddy Bunch already taken? I mean, I get why you did it, but come on… We are supposed to take these guys seriously? They sound like a heavy metal band. Just add two more sixes on there to make it more official.

Good Work Applehack, your hacking skills did it again." Said the dark-purple pony.
"Applehack, What Is This?!" said Applejack with anger.
"Thank you Dark Sparkle." "What?!" "WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!!!" Twilight ordered.
"Ah, Princess Celestia, or should I say Dead Celestia!"
"HOW DO YOU KNOW ME??!!"

Oh, god, where do I begin? … Okay first of all, the pacing is fucking terrible! What are these characters doing?! What is going through the mind of the characters in the room?! How did these characters come to be?! What is the response of the characters to what is going on?

Second, we aren’t even told what they are doing, so they feel like a bunch of severed heads, spitting out their lines! Give them some actions! Talking head syndrome does not need to be a part of an action story! Especially an action scene!

Third, who the hell is talking? Half the time I’m just guessing who is talking! If there were just two ponies in the room, it would be easier! But there are 13 characters in the room! It’s kind of necessary to make sure the audience knows who is talking, otherwise it becomes confusing for the readers!

Four, why do you have all caps for some of their dialogue? Is conveying emotion so difficult for you that you can’t say that they are yelling or shouting or something?!

Dear lord, it only gets increasingly worse from here!

"Well, We are the Pain 6, I'm Dark Sparkle, This pink little fella is Painkey Pie, This is the bad and horrifying Slaughtershy, This the ugly Scarity, and this the baddest pony Applehack."

Okay, I know they are supposed to be play-on words of the Main Six, but dear lord are these names stupid! Seriously? Painkey Pie? That’s the best pun you have? Why don’t you try … Skankie Pie?... Um… Rankie Pie? … um… Stankie Pie? Okay, maybe it’s not that easy making up new names, but come on, Painkey Pie?

"I'm Twilight Sparkle, This is Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, And Rainbow Dash."

Nice to meet you, ponies who are clearly not good ponies, considering your names. I’m sure we’ll be the best of friends.

‘Oh, they’re fine,’ you said. ‘They’re totally legit,’ you said.

I can’t always be right!

So, after exchanging business cards, Celestia says probably the dumbest thing this story has… No, the dumbest thing ever written for Celestia to say. Period.

"Twilight, Use Your Elements Of Harmony, They Seem Bad." Said Princess Celestia.

They SEEM bad? They SEEM bad?! Were you even listening to their names?! Do I have to spell it out for you or something? Hold up a big sign that says “These ponies are clearly evil”?! Slaughtershy seems bad? Oh, yeah, you should totally trust the person who is named after the killing of others. That pony would be totally trustworthy!

Like Carnage!

Don’t let the name, murderous behavior, and the fact that he is about to kill off Spider-Man fool you, he’s a very gentle soul.

So, they attempt to use the Elements of Harmony on the Pain 6, seriously I need a better name for them, however, the Pain 6 just laugh off their attempt. It doesn’t exactly explain why the Elements of Harmony don’t work, but whatever, we have poorly written fight scene to get to.

Oh, and when I say poorly written, I mean the worst I have ever seen and with the resume of stories I’ve seen in the past, that’s saying something. Take a look at this.

Twilight tried every magic spell to stop Dark Sparkle or get rid of her but none of them work, so Twilight hoofed her, then bucked her. Dark Sparkle was knocked out.

Good god, I’ve read about paint drying that was more action packed than this! Seriously, that’s how bad these action scenes are, I would rather watch paint dry than read about this story. In fact, I think I will.

God, that was exciting! That was awesome! I mean, that paint could really dry! Oh, god, that was great! That was beautiful…

Oh fuck, I’m back here.

So, they fight off the Pain in my ass Six with Fluttershy using her assertiveness skills to defeat Slaughtershy. Why am I mentioning this and not every pony elses? You’re never going to believe this, but it’s a plot point. … Yeah, Fluttershy being assertive is a plot point. Just start getting ready to be utterly disappointed. Trust me, it’s so pointless, you’ll wonder why the author even mentions it.

Applehack opens a dimensional portal that sends them back to their world. Yeah, that’s never explained how she can just do that on a whim. We never learn anything more about them and we never get to see their world or why they invaded Twilight’s world, but who cares, the story is almost over!

Celestia congratulates the Main Six, particularly Fluttershy. Why? Well, because Fluttershy learned to stand up for herself against her opposite and that… for some reason, made them all run away. Yeah… pretty fucking stupid, huh?

Don’t get me wrong, I love Fluttershy. She’s my favorite character, but what was the fucking point of that?! What did Fluttershy do that made the difference?! As I recall, Twilight knocked her opponent out with ease, Applejack took down her opponent and Rarity took down her’s. Four of the Six took down their opponent and only one of them gets all the praise?! What kind of messed up, perverted vision do you have, pal?!

If Fluttershy’s your favorite, fine. More power to you. But at least make it justified why Fluttershy gets all the fame! This way makes no sense when there are other ponies who did the exact same thing! God, the only thing missing from this story is an OC to tell her how awesome she is and how she gives the best sex around! That would make this shitstorm complete!

So, we get the last minute, tagged on, bullshit message of the story.

"Yes I did. I learned that if you are in great danger, your friends would be there for you, even the ones that are brave enough to stop all the danger no matter how scared they are."

Fuck you, story.

And then Celestia starts to say good-bye. You would think this would be the end, but no, it insists on going.

Um, Girls, 3 things."
"Yes Princess?" They all said.
"First off, I need you to put back the elements of harmony, Second, Do you girls need a ride?"

No, they don’t. It took them a half hour to get to Canterlot on hoof. I don’t think they need any kind of transportation.

“Sad news is there is not enough room for all of you to sit in the carriage, just 4 of you."
"Well, two of us are pegasai."
"True Rainbow Dash.

What? Is Celestia deaf, blind and stupid?! What the fucking hell is wrong with her in this story?!

So, they finally all go home and live happily ever after. The End.

Ah, cute. That gave me all kinds of emotions… Mostly relief… Relief that I will never have to read this story again.

This story is just bad!

I mean, don’t get me wrong, the premise is rather interesting. I really do think that the premise of an alternate six is not a bad one. I do think there is some possibilities with the story telling, characters and interactions with one another, both as a more serious piece and a comedic piece.

This was not one of them. It’s poorly written with bad spelling and grammar that I barely touched on. The pacing is horrible, the plot makes no sense, the Pain Six are non-entities and for their "fiercest enemies", they barely do anything, and it’s just an absolute bore to sit through. The action is sloppy and rushed, the characters aren’t given anything outside dialogue and it’s so ungodly rushed. The descriptions are piss poor at best and the whole Changeling thing was absolutely pointless, since it did nothing to further the plot.

Like I said, the idea is actually rather interesting to me. The execution leaves A LOT to be desired. Have a good day guys.

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