What Am I? Update · 12:09am Jun 23rd, 2014
So for those of you who haven't seen or noticed, Teslapony (did I spell that right? I dunno, I'm too lazy to check) and I have been ripping the story a new one in trying to make it more believable. Has it been working? Well seeing that Tesla is extremely picky and quite the perfectionist... *deep breath* it's been going great! *Fake smile*
Serious mode:
Okay it's been going really well and I couldn't thank Tesla any more than I can speak.... doesn't make sense but who gives fuck right...? Right?
Despite my frustration due to his picky-ness and having to have everything be perfect I've been trying to tell him that since this is fiction we can make bends. If not. We're going to be here forever trying fix and have everything make perfect sense. I know it sounds like I'm complaining and believe me I kinda am, but who cares!
After nearly 2 maybe 3 weeks we've finally reworded/wrote chapter 1. Now we need a few people to read it before posting and tell us we did good! Or failed tremendously... awwwww...
No, you didn't spell it right, but close enough. (To be fair pony is purposely spelled wrong)
And seriously people, We need feedback on this thing. Both of us have been so involved in this that we can only see trees and forgot what a forest is. You guys haven't, so please, have at it!
Comments are enabled on the Gdoc.
Tomorrow.
cdn.arkarthick.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/productivity-tips-procrastination.jpg
Image is relevant to me.
On mobile so can't comment on the gdoc, but needs work. Tense shifts (Silverwing), grocer's apostrophes, some misworded sentences (rump check), sky wing isn't capitalized, etc. I also still think there are places where the emotional tenor doesn't flow smoothly or isn't clear. Ex: The first time she wakes up, it isn't clear if this is the first time EVER or just today. A bare sketch of her life history (say two sentences from her point of view) would really help set the stage. Ex: why doesn't she react more around humans? Go approach them? Ex: excitement doesn't usually make one flushed (embarrassment or exertion usually). Slow time usually indicates anxiety, not excitement. Ex: What is her reaction to the lightning? Had she experienced it in the pasture? Does she care about rain if she always lived outside? Her first step inside a human vehicle and there's no comments? How does she even fit? Ex: if being petted feels that good, I'd expect to see more of her thoughts. Does she love the human now? How far is she willing to go to feel that again? Is she resentful that she can be that easily controlled? Ex: why is she embarrassed about the rump check if she has no social context for embarrassment?
I'll try to write more tomorrow if I have a chance.
2229781 A lot of those are really good points, and I do thank you for pointing those out. Some of which are already being covered right as I type this, such as miss worded sentences and tense changes.
As for the main character not interacting with people and her being embarrassed on rump check (the others, such as her feelings in the rain and her thoughts on the car, which is explained immediately in the next chapter, are things which can be covered now and will be) are explained as the story goes on. Because why wouldn't a pony who has real thoughts and feelings not interact with people, know what I'm saying?
We'll just have to wait and see. But I do thank you for actually supplying feedback this will help out a lot thank you.
2229781
These are exactly the issues that I brought up when editing! With pretty much all of them I've pointed them out (at least with the ones that are still here, there are boatloads more that HAVE been fixed) and nebula's all like "nah, the reader won't notice, that problem doesn't matter". Well, someone did. Let's fix them. (That said some of these are integral to later parts of the story and unfortunately can't be fixed without screwing everything up.) The description ones can defiantly be worked in though.
2236530
But the description problems have already been fixed for most of the story.
2236530
If you know who Derpy and Lyra are, you should know never to doubt that there are people in your audience paying attention.