Review: Celestia's New Groove · 4:55am Apr 28th, 2014
So, apparently, I'm not allowed to link mature stories in blogs. I'm sure if you really want to take a look at this fic, trust me, you don't then you can just do a quick fimfic search for it.
It's been quite some time since I've done a review of a story, and to be honest I kinda missed doing it. I suppose I only remembered that I should do a review of a story because the one I read was, quite honestly, the worst thing I have ever seen featured in over two years.
Let me stress that these blog post are incredibly foul-mouthed, controversial, and generally not nice. For those of you who do not wish to see NSFW language, do not read.
Celestia's New Groove
I don't know where to begin. Uh... I... there's...
let's just start with the latter half of the description.
We follow the fresh new beginning of ex-princess Celestia who picks one of the human universes as the center of her new less strenuous and more fun life! Once she teleports on Earth, she finds herself in the room of a young programmer who goes by the name of Seamus. After a lot of negotiations and arguing the man agrees to let her stay with him if Celestia can turn herself human. Being prepared for such an option Celestia takes a special potion brewed by Zecora and drinks it on the spot. However its effects aren’t exactly what she was hoping for. She is now a 5’9’’ foot pony human hybrid with a well-endowed woman’s body. Read forth as we follow the comedic life of a wise-ass Anthro Alicorn and a sexually confused yet horny dude! Not to mention that both of them get to be roomies… Oh the Sexual Insanity! O.o
...I... there's... but it's... Okay, breathe.
Okay, so I'm starting to see problems already. I mean, there couldn't be anything wrong with Seamus--no way would he ever be a self-insert, but I'm just finding all this confusing. So, after a fucking winged horse appears in this guy's bedroom, he immediately engages in an argument with it, then allows it to stay on terms that it makes itself human. For one, Seamus is assuming an awful lot, like, possibly, Celestia's magical ability. On top of that, turns out Celestia just happened to have a magical potion around that turns her into some internet freak's fetish fuel. Oh, this is good.
And so I click on chapter one.
It was a bright and sunny day for the land of the United States of America!
And then I close chapter one!
Not really, but it's inane and masochistic for me to read any further. Really, I don't know why I put myself through this.
He was about done too and was just thinking of making his bed when all of his day plans suddenly came to a screeching halt.
*Wwwwwoooooooooooooooooooooooh, Oooooooooooooooooooooooh, OoooooooOOOOOOO… zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAP… BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooom…*
I want to let you guys know that I've spent the last ten minutes sitting here trying to figure out what to say. Snappy similes and funny metaphors fail me. This is bad. This is so bad that it's not even funny. It's actually horrifying that this got featured. People, this was featured!
Okay, okay, moving on.
What sort of a reviewer would I be if I didn't do that one thing that everybody looks up towards and uses as an excuse to be able to roast a story without being a dick?
Constructive criticism.
The punctuation is absolutely horrendous and the sentence fluency reminds me a little bit of riding a bike that's had its wheels replaced with triangles that happen to be made out of Legos. The descriptions are either vague or unclear, and if they end up to be neither, then they're probably worded poorly. There's dozens of words that are spelled wrong, which I can not understand, because any spell-check program could pick them out. This leads me to think that laziness on the author's behalf had a hand in the making of this story. Moving on to the characters, I find nothing but more things to complain about. Seamus is flat and boring and unbelievable as a character. He might as well be a talking hard-on for all the substance he doesn't add to the story. Celestia's the worst. She comes off as some sort of snarky bitch right out of college with a Starbucks Coffee in one hand and a Bimbo of the Year trophy in the other. She is anything but Celestia, which just makes this a story about some sort of fucked up horse-human thing who fucks some social reject and makes pretty porn for all the shortdicked losers who've no perception of common sense or quality.
The use of asterisks in the story is not only pathetic, but one of the biggest no-nos of narrative story writing. Do. Not. Use. Asterisks. In. Narrative. I'm saying this to everybody reading this right now. Never do it.
On top of asterisks, there are several points in the story where embedded images are used to show pictures and and expressions. If there is any sort of narrative sin that is worse than using asterisks, then it's this.
I can't read all of this. I can not.
So I skimmed the rest.
Celestia's new Groove might not be the worst fic I've ever read, but its right up there in the list with all the other shit I've seen over the years. Though, while it is not the worst fic I have ever read, it is absolutely, positively, the worst story I have ever seen featured in my years in this site. No bullshit. This story is just that bad. I probably should have done something a lot more productive with my time; instead of reading this story, I could have watched paint dry or memorized pi up to the thousandth digit. In reality, I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of the author and I'm especially ashamed at fimfiction for letting its quality level sink so low that scum like this in the featured box is even possible.
Just remember, people. Just because it gives you a boner, does not mean it's good. Hearing about his ten inch dick sliding into her supple, warm cunt sure is nice when its in proper context, but other than that it's just your sex drive giving you wood.
What did you expect from the author of "Blind Trust", one of the fanfics with the weakest characterization ever posted on this site?
Sometimes I'm sincerely glad I have the Mature tag blocked on my account. From what I've seen when I turn it on to see what people are writing, it means that, generally, the worst I see in the feature box is at least mediocre. It seems like when an author can't write proper narrative, he just switches on Mature and throws in whatever he can to increase the shock and awe factor. Kinda like a Michael Bay film.
Not to say that there aren't good Mature stories, rather that the muck which gets really popular is usually bad for one's health to view... like a Michael Bay film.
2055478 Alex is the one who told me no, so, meh.
So, I went to read this atrocity after seeing this post. "Oh, surely it's not THAT bad..?"
...I wasn't aware of it, but it seems that my eyes can bleed...
I almost thought it to be a ponified Emperor's New Groove. But maybe something like that would be less painful to read when compared to this abomination.
Heeeeeeey Sorren! Nice review brah!
Deffinitely very thorough and constructive. It really helped me out a lot. Just got an idea for a chapter, and fixed some mistakes on the first one.
It's really cool how a busy man like you can take from his time to write about lil ol' me. Gorsh! That makes me feel so special.
This is really awesome! If this blog review gets even more views, I might just get more readers. Or some more constructive criticism. 
Again! Thanks pal! Here! Have a link to my favorite episode to one of my favorite shows: Wander Over Yonder. It's called the Greatest:
Link
Dickhead. Fucking disgusting.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc0mxOXbWIU
2055774 Sarcasm aside, sure thing.
By the way, look up how to use dialogue tags, I believe I forgot to include that part. Also, if you have any more questions about grammar feel free to ask.
2055815 No seriously man! You're the greatest!
I mean it. Litterally.
2055793 What, mad because I bashed a story you liked?
Here, let me show you how to properly embed youtube links, son.
2055820 I haven't actually read the story, as I don't read short fanfics, I don't read incomplete fanfics and I don't read clop (unless it was part of a huge fanfic) which pretty much rules it out to me.
2055818
Nah, I'm really not. In all legitimacy though, if you have questions, ask.
2055823 Good for you. Done threatening me on that other blog yet?
2055826 Threatening you? Pff, I already explained that I won't do it simply because you still at the end of the day write fanfiction for nothing, but that is the only fucking reason I haven't because quite honestly, you're past the point that even I can tolerate.
2055828 Good. Then stop tolerating me, numbnuts.
2055830 Oh my friend, I aren't tolerating you, I'm tolerating the effort you clearly put into your stories.
2055833
I are not tolerating you either.
2055478 As I understand the situation, Fimfiction was starting to look too much like a porn site, so the advertisers almost pulled out (pun not intended). That's when Knighty decided to ban blogs with mature content or with links to mature content. This includes links to stories with mature content. Hope that explains it.
Topkek, child.
I said I are not tolerating you is no more.
Pfft, have you ever seen the feature box on a typical afternoon? This story was nothing in comparison to some of the stuff I've seen up there. And I typically read whatever new story does pop up in there, just out of curiosity. While this story was indeed shitty to a high degree, it ain't the worse that's been in the box. Hell, it doesn't even reach the Top Ten for me. Though that's more my opinion, so meh. Good review though.
Oh sweet unmerciful goodness, you have to be sadomasochistic.
It was a chainsaw to the eyes and a jackhammer to the head reading mere pieces of this, and I had periods when I would purposedly read atrocious fan fiction to feel better about myself. I'm actually seasoned in this. But this...
You absolutely have to be sadomasochistic to read this. And then allow yourself to remember it, too.
2057123 Because Knighty's treading a fine line between what keeps people interested in the sit, and what keeps the advertisers here.
I was going to locate an "Are you serious?" image... but felt like making something as low-quality as those effect descriptions.
i.imgur.com/8AJ1hhS.png
... That is all.
I'll admit, it was bad. Beyond bad. But, I'll say it was funny as hell. Still fucking horrible. And I wouldn't be surprised if the author had watched something involving the kardacians. Ass holes.