A Serious Review of Perdita Finn's 'Rainbow Rocks' · 3:53am Apr 22nd, 2014
Nobody else seems to be talking about it, at least in my news feed. Nobody else wants to discuss the release of the novel My Little Pony: Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks: Subtitle by Perdita Finn. Why is nobody talking about it? Whatsamatta, Brony? Are you afraid? Are you afraid of the rainbows? Are you afraid of the rocks?
. . . Or could it be that you're afraid of the hawtness?
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The hawtness, artist's conception.
Yes, I know. It's the hawtness. You just can't handle the hawtness. You work your job at Costco, you eat your microwave pizza, you play your MMORPGs for twelve hours every night, and then you sleep for half an hour, get up in the morning, trim your neckbeard, don your fedora, and prepare to do it all over again, all the while wondering why that pony princess you love never seems to notice you.
Well, it could be because she's fictional, but on the other hand, it could be because SHE HAS A CANONICAL BOYFRIEND, BABY! BOO YEAH! MAKE WAY FOR FLASH SENTRY, WHO SHALL HENCEFORTH BE ADDRESSED AS "YOUR ROYAL HAWTNESS," BECAUSE HE'S MARRYING PRINCESS TWILIGHT, BABY! YEAAAAAAHHH!!!
Ahem.
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Rainbow rocks. Get it?
So, to start with, I'd like to say that I think Perdita Finn is a writer superior to G. M. Berrow. For one thing, this book is refreshingly free of the word totally.
"Totally!" agreed Pinkie. But she wasn't really listening.
Dammit. Well, anyway, I still think Finn is the better stylist. I note too that, in the book's opening pages, she makes the first canonical use of the word human, which I suppose was inevitable, since Berrow's "two-legged animal" was going to get awkward sooner or later.
Though I like her style, I can't deny that Finn is hampered by a really weak story. Remember how, in Through the Mirror, Twilight Sparkle had to become the most popular girl in school in three days or else she'd be trapped in Canterlot High for over two years while Sunset Shimmer took over Equestria with a zombie army? Sure, the plot was contrived, but at least there was a plot.
By comparison, Rainbow Rocks is about the Equestria Girls deciding to form a band and play those instruments they've always played, because you know how Applejack is always strumming her bass guitar . . . oh, you don't? Well, never mind.
There's nothing at stake in this story. The girls are getting a band together. That's it. That's the plot. Trixie shows up occasionally, but she does almost nothing: she makes only a few halfhearted attempts to frustrate the Equestria Girls' efforts, and though she claims she's going to best them in a battle of the bands, she makes no serious attempt to do so, and her loss and their win are foregone conclusions, not only for the audience but even in-universe.
That being said, it's only fair to mention that the story here is actually a prequel, a build-up to the movie. Presumably, the movie itself will have more plot. The book combines the short videos Hasbro has been posting on Youtube with material probably of Finn's own devising. The short videos have been amusing, and, though Finn does her best, everything here is about sound and music, so everything works better on screen than on paper:
So the actual story of Rainbow Rocks itself, by which I mean the film, remains unrevealed, though the book does give away (SPOILER) a few important details: most particularly, the Twilight Sparkle appearing in the movie is, based on the details in the book, almost certainly Twilight Sparkle from Equestria and not the other girl from the city mentioned in the first film.
Also, I love Perdita Finn forever because her book includes the following scene. Brace yourself, Brony, and get out your Prep H, because you're about to be butthurt:
There was a knock on the door, and Flash Sentry poked his head into the room.
"Excuse me, Princess," he said. "I couldn't help but notice your singing. You're good enough to have your own band."
Twilight Sparkle blushed right down to her unicorn horn. "Maybe someday . . ."
"I must have reached menopause," says Twilight, "because I just had a hawt Flash."
That's right. The Sentry is back, baby, and all the anti-Sentrites, as I call them, can kiss my Flash.
"Only I get to kiss Flash!"
Clearly, Twilight Sparkle saw the rough draft of the movie script, saw that Flash Sentry wasn't in it, and said, "Hold up. Wait a minute. Put a little love in it." She's a princess, so the writers have to do what she says.
Holding up, waiting a minute, and putting a little love in it, artist's conception.
That song is totally going to be in the movie. I think. Anyway, there is one thing we know for sure will be in the movie. M. A. Larson has revealed on his Twitter feed that the movie will definitely, absolutely, undeniably, and undoubtedly contain total hawtness. Check it out:
I believe in M. A. Larson.
This little scene tells us many things. First, it tells us that Twilight Sparkle and Flash Sentry have received so many death threats from butthurt Bronies that they've decided it's safest to elope rather than to have a big princess wedding. Thus, they can only get that donut guy to perform the ceremony. Fortunately, it turns out that Joe does indeed have a legal right to bless marriages, a right he obtained from Joblo's Online Religious Ordination Clearinghouse. He is currently a licensed minister of the First National Druidical Church of Spaghetti-Eating Jedi, Congregationalist.
Second, this scene tells us that, contrary to fan speculation, Twilight's family approves the match. Indeed, Shining Armor likes Flash Sentry so much that he's even taught Flash some of his surfer lingo.
. . . Um, that is surfer lingo, right? I really can't understand the way you kids talk these days.
Anyway, the happily married couple will take their blissful honeymoon at Horseshoe Bay, where they plan to spend two relaxing weeks shredding waves and eating corndogs. When asked how it feels to be married to Equestria's most eligible stallion, Princess Twilight reportedly replied, "It's wonderful. I've always wanted to be married to somepony just like him."
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Deal with it.
I honestly love your reviews, but one thing is bugging me.
In the Equestria Girls saga by Berrow we were left with the Skyla cliffhanger. Does this book not deal with this at any point?
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We might have to wait for the actual movie to see how that's going to be dealt with. Remember, Rainbow Dash and the Daring Do Double Dare revealed that Princess Skyla is also the Pony of Shadows.
"...but with a horn and a whiter coat."
Twilight wedding, me...
I like how the Mane Six can suddenly become their anthro forms and everyone's totally cool with it.
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Huh... That's a funny way to spell "...but taller, and with no fur."
i.imgur.com/yaua8oQ.png
Oh Deeg, we missed you. And it seems we have a new book to critique.
COMPLETELY UNRELATED ASIDE
I'm not sure if you heard, but I'm back in Afghanistan. I'm also not sure if you're aware, but I'm Catholic, and we had the rare privilege this weekend of a Catholic chaplain who stopped by our camp to provide an Easter Mass.
I won't lie; I don't attend Mass very often. I'm not the most religious of people, or even really religious at all, but there was something comforting about kneeling in that plywood chapel, reciting the words I remembered from years past, shaking hands with my fellows, and taking communion for the first time in, well, in a while. It was a moment when our focus and energy was on peace, rather than war.
Anyway, I just wanted to say, Happy Easter. I hope your time off was fulfilling in all the ways you wanted it to be, and I'm happy to see you back.
2034369 Good catch, thanks, but I think you linked the wrong picture, when you obviously meant this one: http://mlpfanart.wikia.com/wiki/File:Twilight_and_Shining_Armor_by_Trinityinyang.png
"I must have reached menopause," says Twilight, "because I just had a hawt Flash."
Man, I'm really glad you're back, Deej.
I really hope Twilight and Flash graduate high school before they get married.