Blog Rant 3 · 4:13pm Apr 20th, 2014
This is just paragraphs of rambles and complaints of my current life. Again. So please, don't read anymore if you don't feel like it. This post isn't that important, and is merely just me trying to write down and express my thoughts of my current situation so I can help relieve some of my frustration. Please don;t feel obligated to read this.
For those who aren't aware, I am currently deployed. I am expected to return home in about a month after spending 6 months away. I have been depressed for the last three months, and it turns out I may be filing for a divorce when I go home. The only reason I am posting this is because it is the internet, and it's a good way to vent. Everything here is still anonymous, and I feel like I can express my thoughts here more easily than the friends I've made during my deployment. So if you are reading this, bear with my frustration and overall vent. I hate the fact my last few blogs have been nothing but complaints, but it helps me to write problems out. So please, take everything as you will and with a grain of salt. This is just a method of me relieving some of the frustration and anxiety that is currently plaguing my life. If this isn't your type of thing, please exit now and move on. Nothing here but a sad person expressing their thoughts and trying to figure themselves out in a unhappy time of their life.
My wife has slept with two people since my deployment, and is still spending time with the last person. I feel that she thinks that we simply married for false reasons, and is exploring other people incase what we have is something not as meaningful. I'm not going to lie, for the last three years of our marriage I have neglected to give her the emotional support and needs to sustain a relationship. I have been going through a tough time, I was more mental and not very expressive in the ways that was needed. For three years I have hurt her by not realizing how much I have closed myself off, but I feel her recent events of being with other people while I am away nearly if not completely top that. And yet, despite her cheating, I still find it hard to hate her or to not love her. I still want to be with her. But the doubts she has raised of us being together has spread to me, and I find my determination of being together in a relationship wavering. Through the pain she has given to me (something I think still pales to what I have given to her) I have grown in a way that I never would have if I had not been with her. I am facing issues I have neglected and suppressed for a long time, and it took the pain she gave me to break down my walls that held against the many things in life that hurt me.
Before we were married, we already decided that no matter how we ended up, we would remain friends. And that still holds true now. Even if we get a divorce, we still want to be apart of each others lives in some manner. For me personally, I will always be grateful for the things she helped me realize. But I find myself in such a tough position. Is my current relationship with her merely a way for me to discover parts of myself I neglected, or is she truly my love? I don't know now. She has doubts, and that has given me doubts. At this point, I see a divorce being a very possible option when I return home. And I don't know what is scarier: the fact people said we are perfect together, my feelings for her that I've never felt for someone else, or the fact we helped each others issues and we must now part ways.
Sorry for incoherent rambling, but I just don't know anymore. I feel that I have made great improvements during my deployment, but that it is now to late. And in the end, it just feels like I wasn't good enough for her. It makes me feel sick, it makes everyday a walking dream away from the harsh reality of my marriage. It makes every smile I give to the people I have grown close to during these 6 months is nothing but a hallow shell to mask the true depression and sadness within.
I just don't know about anything anymore. With her losing hope on us, I am finding that slowly I am losing hope as well. I just don't know what to do or was it right. I feel all I can do is suffer my mistakes that lead to this, and wonder where everything will go.
I apologize for my incoherent rambling as I am a little tipsy right now (courtesy of the friends I have made here that have no clue of my last 3 months of depression) and am simply trying to write down some of my feelings.
It sucks thinking that you weren't good enough for something. That you find yourself after imaging scenarios that show you were right all along. Imagining something that shows the other person was wrong, anything that might make them take back what they said. But deep down, we are just afraid that what they said was the truth. And despite what revelation or good may come from facing that fearful truth, we all dread the pain and self-suffering that comes with accepting that fact.
Life sucks, but its beautiful at the same time. And right now, it's staying firmly in the sucking section. I just don't know what to think or believe right now.
I wish I could do more than just say 'Good Luck' or ' Have Faith'. But, I can't. So I hope that everything turns around into your favor soon.
well if you'd like any advice the best that i can do is offer mine. i would advise you write down a list (yes i do like lists sorry) of what has hapend and how you've grown and shrunk as a person. take said list and tell your wife to give you 3 months back and in her arms and to talk about the ways you've grown and shrunk. the key is the talking and if you cant talk to the person you agreed to spend your life with it has a poor outlook. in those 3 months take her on dates, talk, and get to know her again, after all its been a year. share and open up to her tell her what you want and what your willing to do to get it. don't give you're self a plan b go all in and love her and forgive her. you should regret giving it a shot over never even having tried. marriage is work and you've missed 9 months of work so you've got to make up for lost time and get back to loving and sharing and having fun. i wont say good luck because you dont need any you just need to try:)!!!!!