Eurovision 2014 - It's That Time Again (part 2)

Semi 2 Video playlist

1: Malta: Firelight - Coming Home

Well, here is another piece of evidence that the ESC is resolutely five years behind the times on music trends. "Little Lion Man", the breakthrough for folk band Mumford and Sons, was published in 2009, so in 2014, we get the inevitable Mumford and Sons wannabes. I still kinda like this, even though the whole World War I vibe of the video is putting a load on the song's shoulders that it can't begin to carry.

2: Israel: Mei Finegold - Same Heart

Huh. I'm honestly not sure what to think of this little piece. I like the voice, and it comes across as believable enough, yet it's still missing something - though I can't tell for the life of me what that might be.

3: Norway: Carl Espen - Silent Storm

Another bookie favourite, and just as with Armenia, I think this might be too slow in buildup to go all the way. But the final should be an easy gig.

4: Georgia: The Shin and Mariko - Three Minutes to Earth

There's got to be at least one "WTF did I just watch/listen to?" entry per ESC year, and this year, Georgia have taken up that flag and proudly run with it. This has no chance in hell of ever making the final, but it's so utterly unlike anything else you'll hear at this year's ESC that you gotta respect it for that alone.

5: Poland: Donatan and Cleo - My Slowianie - We Are Slavic

Welcome back, Poland, we missed you. Last seen in 2011, Poland make an absolutely triumphant return with this year's entry in the "eye candy for the heterosexual male" category. I'm not sure whether this is sexist or empowering, honestly, but if staged right, this should easily cruise into the final.

6: Austria: Conchita Wurst - Rise Like a Phoenix

Do yourself a favour: Listen to the song first, before you watch the video. I'm not going to say anything else, except that I really like this Bond Theme-esque ballad.

7: Lithuania: Vilija Matačiūnaitė - Attention

Eurgh. I hate, hate, hate this song. There is absolutely nothing redeeming about these three minutes, not even anything amusing - it's bad. Not "so bad it's good", not enjoyably bad, just absolute garbage.

8: Finland: Softengine - Something Better

That is perhaps the most ironic song title possible, because this song epitomizes many of the issues I have with this year's crop. It's not bad, it's kind of catchy, and yet nothing about it sticks with me in the slightest. I must have listened to it at least three or four times by now, and I still draw a blank when asked to give an opinion. The very pinnacle of "mediocre".

9: Ireland: Can-Linn featuring Kasey Smith - Heartbeat

Generic uptempo number with the barest dose of Irishness sprinkled into the chorus (the fiddle). Something very similar landed Ireland a last place in the final in 2013, and I don't see this doing much better.

10: Belarus: Teo - Cheesecake

Justin Timberlake this guy isn't. Not even Robin Thicke, come to think of it. Not since the Danish rapper from 1997 has there been an artist at the ESC who was this drastically mistaken about his own coolness. Still, the song is catchy enough that it might survive this weak semi.

11: Macedonia: Tijana Dapcevic - To the Sky

Utterly bland and forgettable, except perhaps for the fact that Tijana can't lip-sync worth a damn. I'll give this a pass, and so hopefully will the voting public and the juries. Oh Macedonia, 2012 was a fluke after all, it seems.

12: Switzerland: Sebalter - Hunter of Stars

Seriously, what is with the hip hop video opening? It didn't fit with Moldova, it fits even less here. That said, this is my favourite song of 2014's ESC. Yes, the laughable, goofy, old-fashioned song with the whistles, the horrible accent and the (absolutely awesome, and I will hear nothing against it!) violin solo.

13: Greece: Freaky Fortune featuring Risky Kidd - Rise Up

Sigh. This shares San Marino's problem in that the intro writes checks that the rest of the song can't begin to cash. It's not a bad song in total, and it will easily make the final, but that intro promised so much more...

14: Slovenia: Tinkara Kovac - Round and Round

Were it not for Switzerland and Austria, this might have become my favourite song from this semi. I love the intro and the fact that it has at least a few lines in a language that is not English.

15: Romania: Paula Seling and Ovi - Miracle

These two finished third in 2010 with "Playing with Fire", which was leaps and bounds more interesting and better than this bland piece of pap. It will probably preserve Romania's perfect qualifying record, but it's not going to remotely achieve its predecessor's success.

Grand Final Video playlist

Denmark: Basim - Cliché Love Song

Okay, I'll admit it: this is actually fun and really easy to listen to, especially since it has a sense of humour about itself. Also, Bruno Mars' debut wasn't even four years ago, so by ESC standards, this is practically cutting edge. This has been drawn to position 23 in the final, and from that really good position, it will do very well.

Spain: Ruth Lorenzo - Dancing in the Rain

Yet another beautiful intro that segues into an average song. I don't think this is the kind of material that Spain needs to break out of its rut.

Italy: Emma Marrone - La mia città

I didn't like this one originally, but it really grew on me. Also, in this year of midtempo and ballads, I'm grateful for anything a little more fast-paced, and this song definitely qualifies. I also like these nervous runs on the keyboard.

France: Twin Twin - Moustache

When exactly did one of the guys from Jedward and Weird Al Yankovic start a band? In France? This isn't quite as utterly bizarre and inexplicable as Georgia's entry, but it comes close. And yes, the guy is singing about wanting a moustache. I don't think this will do all that well, but I'm grateful it's there.

United Kingdom: Molly - Children of the Universe

After three attempts with artists slightly (or more than slightly) beyond their career zenith, this year the UK have turned into the opposite direction, sending a virtual unknown. And I think it's going to do them good; the "power to the people" bit is way too grandiose for the rest of the song, but this is still the most modern thing the UK have sent in ages. Still doesn't hold a candle to "Love Will Set You Free", though.

Germany: Elaiza - Is It Right

These ladies beat out Unheilig in the German national final. That name will not ring a bell to non-German speaking audiences, but Unheilig are huge around here - they have the best-selling German-language album of all time under their belt, among other things (and that album was released in 2010, so they're not exactly old news). So this was a pretty massive upset - and I'm glad it happened. I have no idea how this will do, but we tried an established international act in 2013 (Cascada) and fell flat with it. It can hardly get worse.