Rage Review: Chapter 8 - My Little Unicorn: Believing is Magic · 7:13am Apr 7th, 2014
There's a fine line between making a parody, and ripping off an established show with little-to-no interesting “original” characters in a manner of rage against said show, and thus becoming an internet sensation of the worst kind. Since you've made it through seven reviews of the same story, need I introduce it any further?
Shunketsu Reviews (with Rage) - My Little Unicorn: Believing is Magic{Chapter 8: Magic and Mirrors} by Dakari-King-Mykan
As we continue to beat on this fic like a bastard child whose abusive mother never loved him, we find that we're repeating an uninteresting chain of events. If you haven't figured it out, here's how the breakdown goes for this sorry excuse for a whatever-the-fuck this is supposed to be: (cuz it sure as hell isn't a story)
-Introduce main characters pertinent for the chapter
-Introduce stupid and not-really-fleshed out drama involving said characters
-Introduce scheming by villains which are supposed to be threatening and yet comedic
-Villain meets heroes
-Villain summons monster instead of fighting himself/herself
-Monster is destroyed through rainbows and magic (sound familiar? It's not supposed to... apparently)
-Drama for episode is resolved
-A summary by the self-insert himself
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, we can begin... as much as I really, REALLY don't want to.
We start out in... *sigh* Cookie Dough's restaurant with Lightning... 
No, not that Lightning...
Almost... but his picture's not important anyway.
And yet you show me, regardless... Oh boy...
We start out with Lightning McQueer and Krysta inside of Cookie Dough's restaurant eating flapjacks because it's flapjack day. Already a deep sense of dread looms over me, as I can only see this in my head as I read Cookie Dough's character:
After just one bite of those warm fluffy flapjacks, Lightning and Krysta, as well as the other customers all felt lighter than are and warm inside. "Every time…" Cookie Dough chuckled "How do I do it?"
I have no clue. Probably the same way the author got these words on this screen...
Lo and behold, after we are given a rather crappy explanation for the setting, Abra Kadabra pops in and wows everyone with his amazing fake-magic, because they cant use real-magic unless their lives are in danger. Seriously, look it up... it's back there in like... chapter 3 or something...
Everyone watched as Abra began to perform tricks and the slight of hove…
I am about to slight someone's hove if this grammar doesn't improve... Ah, who am I kidding? That's like asking one of you to not make fun of these awful people who write shit like this.
HINT: It'll never happen...
I'd also like to use this part to begin this little tracker: (Obvious Count). Throughout the story, you'll have noticed that Dakimakukari likes to reveal information to the reader more than once, in an obvious statement that could be omitted because we all know how to infer. So, instead of just ignoring this phenomenon, I'm going to start keeping track of it in this chapter, by starting with these bad boys:
He found a table opposite form Lightning and Krysta's but Cookie Dough informed him that the table hadn't been set yet. "I see…" said Abra "Well… I think I can take care of that." He put down his bag and clapped his front hooves together, which captured everyone's attention.
Everyone watched as Abra began to perform tricks and the slight of hove… pulling a tablecloth out from his hat which everyone saw was completely empty. He waved his cape over the table making a dish appear. He held out one of his hooves, and then he waved his other hove across it, making eating utensils appear. Finally, he made it seem as if he had pulled a napkin form his mouth, and then placing it flat on the table, he lifted it up revealing a flower in a pot of water.
Obvious Count: 2
As Abra enjoys his free breakfast, because he... he set up his own table... our heroes come to find that the once great and powerful (yeah, I went there) trickster is broke, and risks losing his one job. Now, I can't just leave this alone right here, because Dakakakka does something horribly and utterly painful... HE FUCKING TELLS US THIS INFORMATION!
Abra explained that he had fallen on hard times since Titan had returned, and he had a hard time finding work. All the parties he had ever been invited to perform at were always spoiled by an attack on the kingdom, forcing everyone to evacuate. He didn't do a show, so he didn't get paid.
Even at his own performances in the streets, people threw him flowers more than they threw him money, and those who wanted Abra's autograph, he just didn't have the heart to ask for money. That was his problem; Abra was as kind and merciful as The Grand Ruler.
"Well, can't use just use your magic and make yourself more money?" asked Krysta
I'm sorry... was Krysta listening to the narrator or Abra? Because as far as I'm concerrned, Abra didn't say shit. In fact, he probably sat back and enjoyed himself as the narrator did his job for him. I'm not making this up. That paragraph reads like a summary I would do for this review!
If there's one thing, ONE THING that I can't stand, it's this, right here. This has got to be the laziest writing I've ever seen. I'm not shown Abra's distress, neither do I believe that Lightning and Krysta, or even Cookie cares about this guy, because we're not given any of that information. We're just supposed to ASSUME that they care, because that's the primary plot of this episode? Fuck that... hard. With a Rainbow Rod. You know it's coming.
Titan was very, very busy working on a special project, and charged his minions with gathering more energy, or capturing Lightning, and the minions were all arguing over who should go.
Ultimately they were forced to draw straws, and Dementia won.
You're damn right she did. She's taken control of my brain, or what's left of it after having read this. I promise you, the moment I saw this character's abhorrent creation and subsequent naming in the opening chapters, I knew where this fic was going. Down.
"I have a plan that's really going to reflect upon the both of you." She hissed as she gazed into her mirror. "Hee, hee, hee…!"
Gee... I wonder what she could have in store? I hope it doesn't reflect any of the poorly constructed villains of the previous chapters. Maybe Dakiki'sDeliveryService has found a way to break the mold with this one? 
Lightning and Krysta offered to stay and help, as their job of the day as town helpers. The way Abra worked, you'd think he'd never washed dishes in his life, which was true because Abra usually ate with paper plates and plastic utensils that you threw away or recycled once you were finished with them, that and he was too busy working on his magic acts to really have too much time for simple chores most of the time.
Obvious Count: 4
As Plot Point convinces himself that he's worthless beyond a few tricks, our heroes try their best to cheer him up. What gets me is Lightning's choice of words, therefore playing him down as the most hated character in my head as far as this mess is concerned.
"Abra, you're lucky…" added Lightning "At least you can do all these things, I can't even perform one simple card trick, let alone do actual magic other than the uniforce and my Rainbow Rod."
So... he's really only the Deus ex Machina? If that's the case, then shouldn't Lightning be a tool himself? I think the story would be much better if Lightning was a super-advanced Swiss army knife, wielded by our other cast members throughout. Yeah... and Krysta is the one who should have the spot light... even though she's just a rip off of Navi from the Legend of Zelda, I'm sure she could be a better MC than Lightning.
That's when Lightning and Krysta realized the full house, and remembering that Cookie Dough's place was one of the most famous in the entire kingdom. That's when they both happened upon the very same idea, but decided not to tell Abra yet. They planned to save it as a surprise.
Obvious Count: 5
Oh my... I can't begin to describe how much this irks me so... There's so many words... and it's all so BORING! If this is a troll fic(of which I highly doubt), it hardly counts as one because I'm not raging right now due to controversial issues and the so-bad-it's-good mentality; I'm raging because I don't give a fuck about anybody or anything they do. I'm WASTING my time. Quite literally, this whole paragraph could've been omitted, and I STILL would've known that's how the story was going to end. But, then again, who am I to expect such things from someone like Dakamry?
So you know we've reached the middle of the chapter because right after this scene, the villain of the day gets selected to try and kidnap Lightning because he's the main character. So Dementia confronts Fairy Boy and they share a spat of uninteresting banter until Dementia sprinkles some more fairy dust on another inanimate object. Also,
Lightning and Krysta were already annoyed. "We're tired of these games, Dementia." snapped Lightning
"What are you up to?" Krysta demanded to know. She got her answer when Dementia sprinkled the magic dust in her pouches all over her mirror...
Obvious Count: 7
Dementia was pleased with her new monster, mostly but the fact that she could see herself from so many different angles, but that wasn't the best part. "Go get them, Reflect-Shot."
...Whut?
Dementia was pleased with her new monster, mostly but the fact that she could see herself from so many different angles, but that wasn't the best part. "Go get them, Reflect-Shot."
"Go get them, Reflect-Shot."
Reflect-Shot.
Are you... nope, not even gonna... yeah, I'm just leaving this one alone...
...
Considering I saw a mirror-related name for the monster coming up, this doesn't surprise me as much as the fact as how dumb it is. Seriously, REFLECT-SHOT? There are TONS of other cool sounding names to give this beast, with legitimately awesome powers. Yeah, I'll admit, I thought the monster's power was cool, but you know what wasn't cool? His name!
Shunketsu Obvious Count: 1
Oh, we're starting one of those now? Alright... I guess... Anyway, while we're here, let's analyze this monster. So we've got a (presumably) tall, oppressive beast that leaves a lot to the imagination (probably because he's given no description outside of how many arms and legs he's got and that they're made of mirrors) with a pretty cool, but painfully cliched power. Now, I like cliches, really, I do... but Daikatana here has our characters figure out the problem in literally no-seconds flat.
Krysta saw the whole thing and began to wonder what was going on. The monster hadn't even raised an arm yet Lightning had defiantly been attacked by something, and she also noticed Dementia was by herself with glee. "Wait a minute…!" Krysta said, and flew in closer to check out the monster as it continued to stomp its way forward.
Krysta flew at the Reflect-Shot's face, until she was just inches away from the glass that was reflecting her. She then reached out with her hand to touch the glass, but strangely, it felt as if she was touching her own hand. "What the…?"
Then, she tried something drastic, and gently slapped her reflection in the cheek, only to feel the actual slap herself. "Nya, ha, ha, ha… Haven't you figured out yet?" Dementia laughed.
There are literally hundreds of ways this scenario could've played out in my head. Why didn't they fight the creature more? Of course it would've been obvious to us what was happening, but come on! Where's the imersion? The suspense? The, you-could've-led-us-to-believe-that-it-wasn't-generic-counter-attack-move-and-then-reveal-it-to-actually-be-generic-counter-attack-move ploy, but NOOOOOOOOOooooooo........
Krysta flies up to a raging monster's FACE and calmly observes the situation. Why didn't this retard of a villain order the creature to bite her fairy ass? I'm assuming it has a mouth, BECUASE I WASN'T TOLD IT DIDN'T HAVE ONE!!!!
Oh well... at least this time we weren't obviously told, and shown this through some action sequence.
Her monster was a giant mirror,(1)| if the reflection of anything or anyone was hit on its very special surface, the real thing would suffer the attack.(2)| In other words, you'd only be attacking yourself instead of the monster.(3)| Lightning and Krysta felt they were in big trouble(4)
Obvious Count: 11
The fight doesn't last long. Dementia shows our heroes that (surprise) the monster has another unique ability... reflecting... light.... *sigh
So much originality here.... so much because a non-sentient mirror can't do the same thing. Well, to be fair, it converted sunlight into lasers, but still! Add a magnifying glass to my example and you've got yourself a make-shift laser shooting demon in your own hands!
Dementia was overjoyed, and really believed her victory was assured. "Why not make it easy and surrender?" she said "I promise I'll be gentle."
Obvious Count: 12
"Never!" shouted Lightning.
NEVER, you apparent slut! For I am the Main Character and shall defeat you within the next thousand words,
Believe It!
So, as it appears that our heroes are trapped and have no way of defeating this monster, help suddenly comes from the unlikeliest most obvious winged unicorn...
Abra Kadabra
Abra shows up and Dementia tries to infect him with her cancer. He dodges the mirror monster's attack and reappears, only to yet again avoid another attack by the beast.
"Over here…" Abra called a she waved from another section of the street. "Get him!" shouted Dementia and her monster fired again, but again, Abra eluded them with another one of his tricks, and when he showed himself again "Remember the first rules of the magic arts: Things aren't what they seem."
Oh good, I hope this is just one big magic trick then. But, we find that unlike a great Houdini escape, there is no relief from this garbage. It's fairly obvious that Abra Kadabra is going to win, so why don't you just tell us and let us tally up the points?
The monsters arms were badly damaged, because once again, Abra had eluded it(1) causing it to smash its own arms(2), and as it harmed whatever reflections were in its sights, that included itself(3).
Obvious Count: 15
"This can't be…!" shouted Dementia. Then suddenly, the monster was whammed from its backside and was crashing right down upon Dementia. "YAAHH…!" she flew up in the air just in time as her monster crashed on the ground hard.
It was Lightning who was right all the time to hit it from in back. "Looks like your plan backfired, Dementia." Krysta called up "Do it, Lightning!"
"You got it…" Lightning smirked and called for the Rainbow Rod.
Obvious Count: 16
Called it. But come on, we ALL saw that coming...
Obvious Count: 17
"Hope no one's superstitious. That's a pretty big mirror I'm about to break."
I am actually fairly superstitious. I believe that by breaking that mirror, you will doom yourself to seven years of writing hell. That is, you will forever be a shit character with stupid one-liners that aren't even clever. Congrats, Lightning. Congrats.
Lightning zaps the injured monster and an onomatopoeia later we're told that the brain surgery was a success and Dementia has vanished again, but like any good/bad disease, she will be back! 
Riveting. Absolutely riveting.
So, how does our story end? Well, Cookie Dough offers Abra a place to work in his restaurant to make up for the lack of magician business (cuz you know, he's a unicorn that cant use magic outside of fighting (seriously, if this was the case, this should've been called Fighting is Magic, as it only appears to have pertinence in battle)) and our heroes get the final say on the matter as they clean up Abra's mess. We get the Grand Ruler's fucking two bits and then if this were a show we would see a streamline of credits, at which time any sensible person would immediately click away and realize, “I've committed suicide.”
We're finally done. DONE with this pile of steamy stuff. Dare I say that this whole thing has been vexing, and as my first Rage Review, I don't think I raged quite hard enough. But why was that? Well, probably because there really wasn't anything too rage-worthy with this fic outisde of the first two chapters.
Let me justify my blasphemy!!!!
I am a sucker for action fics, and I like a good adventure. This fic... has neither of those. But upon reading this, and being told not to hold it with any connection to the FIM universe, the concept is rather meh, as opposed to GRAH! Sure, the characters are flat, the story is too cliché and unoriginal, and the author is a... well, I won't go there, but you get what I mean. This could've and should've been handled as an independent non-pony related fic, not a work of fanfiction.
I mean, we could have just as easily criticized it as an original work, but where I believe most of the rage comes from is the fact that the sole purpose that this exists is to place a blemish on the FIM universe and fulfill one's desire to tear apart something that he didn't like. And might I add, not in a good way!
So, I'm not raging over the fic as much as I am raging over the idiot author who allocated his time unwisely to produce this crap in such a horrid manner that it literally made my eyeballs bleed and my stomach lurch, BECAUSE HE WAS DISCONTENT WITH A STUPID TV SHOW!!!!!
More like, I can't see why anyone thought this was a good idea!!!!!
Well, you know what Daisuke? This is our chance to do the same to you. You probably will never see any one of these reviews, or even deny that you even wrote this disgusting thing, but let me tell you, that it makes me feel better knowing I've gotten to vent about someone who clearly has a problem (outside of autism) that needs to be beaten outta them.
So, what do I care to give this chapter since I'm supposed to give this story a fair rating, not biased upon my sole feelings towards it or its author?
Quite frankly, my dear, I give enough damns...
Oh, but you want to know what I think of this whole story? I believe it deserves a great, big, steamy--
Unhonorable Recognitions:
media.tumblr.com/2467bd3468765fc36a6c58d529e1d9c0/tumblr_inline_mnrql5d9MP1qz4rgp.gif
*You misspelled Houdini
Yes...just like the last blog post, I too was pissed off beyond belief when I wrote it. And also again in my first ever rage post against this Dakikki ***hole!
1988152
Now you see what kind of psychological damage I've suffered?!