No Shit There I Was (A series of short life stories I couldn't make up if I wanted to)

If you're wondering why I'm blogging so much today, it's because I'm really antsy and want to post my latest atrociously written story, but I can't because I refuse to post without the cover art. I mean it's ready to be posted but I'd like to wait, don't want to put out an incomplete product and all. Anyway, in the mean time if you're bored, have some more of my odd life stories.

The Red Power Ranger Meets a US Army Drill Sergeant!

No shit, there I was at Fort Benning preparing to undergo my first ever job reclass in my military career from Artillery to Infantry. I'd just gotten off the bus to the in-processing station, been segregated from the rest of the fresh privates as I was prior service and had three years under my belt (though some argue that reserve years don't count) and was waiting in the lobby of the station with a group of other prior servicemen just shooting the shit about who came from where and what they did at their last unit.

Then out of seemingly nowhere this black Drill Sergeant walks past us, singles me out, and approaches me. Instinctively I go the position of parade rest (legs shoulder-wide apart, hands behind the back, etc.). For those of you who don't know Drill Sergeants are overworked, typically exhausted, and to the freshest basic training private, the most evil thing to ever spawn from the bowels of the planet. You learn not only to fear their round brown hats but respect and shit yourself at the sight of them. SO imagine my surprise when the first words out of his mouth are: "Why the fuck are you wearing that, guy?"

I look down and immediately understand what he's talking about: my badass redranger hoodie that I was wearing because you don't travel in uniform typically. So I respond as honestly as possible, no point in bullshitting the man. "Because I loved the power rangers when I was a kid, Drill Sergeant." Little did I realize that he was looking to make this some next level shit

"You love the fuckin' power rangers?"

"Yes, Drill Sergeant!" I responded.

"You really love the fuckin' Power Rangers?"

"Yes, Drill Sergeant!" More gusto this time.

"With all your heart?"

"Uhhh... Yes Drill Segeant!"

"With all your fuckin' heart, guy?"

Now, looking back on it, there were a number of ways I could've gone about this situation. I could've gone back and forth with the "Yes, Drill Sergeant!" loop until he got sick of me. I could've tried to take off the jacket, caught an earful, and been put in my place as a lower enlisted just catching shit from an NCO (Non-commisioned officer). I could've broken down crying as it would have given him something of a stiffy I'm sure. However I did none of those things.

What I did do was look him square in the eyes and I shit you not, the words "It's Morphin' time all the time, Drill Sergeant!" just reflexively came tumbling out of my mouth.

He looked at me. I looked at him. My buddies on the bench next me started dying of laughter. He shook his head in disappointment and walked away. I had been victorious.

The Gum Toothed Meth Chick On the narrow, narrow road.

So a while ago, when I still had the patience for college, my Biology teacher arranged for our class to take part in community service assignment on a rather far away part of the island (I live in Hawaii at the time). So me being me, I left with a... somewhat reasonable amount of time to get there, but ultimately I would be showing up late, but it's okay, it was Saturday. Ponies and Ben 10 are far more important than preserving endangered plant species.

I finally get to the part of the island I need to be in, Waianae (white people I beg of you never to go there if you visit Hawaii, they hate you, like seriously racism against Caucasians), and I'm driving along the backroads to get to these wildlife preserve centers. And I'm driving. And I'm driving. And the road gets narrow. I mean like one car narrow. And the view is absolutely shitty, just hills everywhere, you wouldn't be able to see another car coming until it straight up smashed your windshield into your face, but, hey, it's the only road.

That being said, it was just a matter of time before I came face to face with a line of three cars, and the road being as small as it was, guess who had to drive in reverse about a quarter mile? This guy. I reversed until I found an area just large enough to pull over and allow the cars to go past and noticed that one of the other cars had pulled up next to mine. in this small space. The occupants simply stared at me, and allow me to spare you no details: The driver was a broad with more gums than teeth in her mouth with skin problems, and... well, you ever watch Breaking Bad? Remember Wendy? Yeah, she look-a-like-a darker skin version of that. Still, as charming a lady as she was, she was creeping me the hell out just staring at me, so I broke the ice.

"Howdy," I greeted, because black people say howdy now apparently. "Can I help you?"

"He looks like he has a big dick..." she mumbled behind herself.

"Errr, what?"

"No, I'm sorry I was talking to my friend and..." she turned back to her friend and whispered again, just loud enough that I could hear it "Yeah, he's probably got a big dick." Then she turned back to me and said... fucking something, because I was outta there.

Well, that's all I've got for now.
Loathe,
Your Antagonist

Comments

[Sirius_Face]

My god, to be that drill sergeant at that moment...

[Darker Outcomes]

Hahahahaha!

Just that first one...