Lunarium Rewrite Progress and Differences · 12:19am Mar 4th, 2014
Heyho, I speak to you from the depths of "the pain in my ear has subsided for something not unlike a tinnitus ... yay?"-land.
Anyway, even though productivity has hit another low (I'm not going to say all-time, since, you know, 2013 existed), I decided to pick up the Rewrite of Lunarium again. I don't know how fast things'll go, but the july date for finishing this thing still stands. That's the one promise I intend to keep.
But, meanwhile, I don't know whether or not I ever talked how much is going to change. Like, there's always a lot of stuff that could be done differently, always a lot of things one can do better, and since the process of editing is to cut 20% of what you've written, up until this point every chapter ended up somewhere between 180-200% of it's original length.
That's a number, let me elaborate: One of the crucial things about the original Lunarium is the fact that the story has no idea what pacing is and how to details. The mood in the first fourteen chapters is laughable at most, but I hope it's understandable why, I never did anything like a novel before.
Meh, I don't want to linger too long. Instead I want to show you how I'll change everything up a bit, this is from the fourth chapter. As of now, it's not been handed to any people who know what the english language is. So, if you think it has any mistakes, that's probably because it was written by a narwhal.
The Original
The ground cracked beneath their hooves as they stumbled on, its sweet smell touching their noses. Twilight had no idea what this place was, but she was sure she would've liked it under normal circumstances. . . Probably. The grass was colored like a rainbow, the ground was made of chocolate and the air tasted a bit like lemonade. Really – if it were not for those pink cotton candy clouds with scissors for hands, snipping wildly at the air – it seemed like an ideal vacation spot.
Trixie was frightened, and also everything about her had changed color, well, everything aside from cloak and wizard hat. She looked as weird as everything else and Twilight didn't even want to look at herself. Although she had noticed the lack of her blanket. She shivered and turned her attention towards those creatures who slowly advanced towards them. Black top hats and moustaches of chocolate, the entire coloration reminded her of something.
An egg of purple with darker dots on it, a dragon baby looking up to her.
The ponies turned around each other, Trixie panicking even more than Twilight. "We can't get out of here,“ she cried, tears flowing down her ruined face.
"No, we can. . . I'm sure we can, we just need to. . .“ At that moment she realized that she didn't know what to do. If they ran they'd get pierced and sliced, if they stayed the same would happen, there wasn't even going to be much of a time difference as it stood and they were both just little fillies. It seemed kind of unfair, actually. She had just gotten the strength back to her legs, she was smart and her Papa was going to miss her. An unworldly scream followed and the creatures jumped at them. Twilight could only close her eyes, praying that Shining Armor would come to save her.
"CANDY!“
The New Version
The ground cracked beneath their hooves as they stumbled on, its sweet smell touching their noses, lingering there while not truly reaching their heads. Twilight only managed to catch faint glimpses at her surroundings, because her attention was drawn elsewhere. The grass was colored like a rainbow, the ground was made of chocolate and the air tasted a bit like lemonade. Really – if it were not for those pink cotton candy clouds with scissors for hands, snipping wildly at the air it seemed like an ideal vacation spot. Under any other circumstances, she might have even found it in her to enjoy it, probably.
Trixie’s eyes were fixed on the front and sweat was running down her forehead, she didn’t truly try to grasp what was all around them, instead closing her eyes and mumbling something to herself, something about a tower. She was probably looking for courage, something which Twilight couldn’t do right now. Her friend looked so different, so strange to behold, much like all the things around them, and Twilight had no idea how to take it. Everything about her colors had changed, well, everything aside from cloak and wizard hat. The blue coat, the icy mane, Twilight was unsure how to process that, so she focused her attention away from that, away from the strangeness of this place.
And she didn't even want to look at herself. Everything had changed, and she felt unusually strong. Still she shivered, because the blanket was gone. To where she did not know, but its absence made breathing so much heavier. Sweat was running down her body, she shivered and then made the mistake of looking back. They were still advancing, these clouds who had fallen, and in the distance, there was the echo of innocent laughter. Black top hats and moustaches of chocolate, the entire coloration reminded her of something.
An egg of purple with darker dots on it, a dragon baby looking up to her.
Twilight turned her head around, catching another glimpse at Trixie, who did the same to look at her with huge eyes as they remained close by each other. "We need to get out of here,“ she cried, tears flowing down her bruised and cut ruin of a face.
All Twilight could think of was to look around, search for an exit, even though the scissors were snipping and the clouds were walking forward, each and every step a mind-boggling motion. It was like there was something missing from them, something that was needed to move and yet they still stepped forward. And with every step they took, Trixie and Twilight moved closer together, feeling the warmth of each other and failing to find comfort in it.
“We can’t,” she suddenly heard Trixie speak up again. “I’m scared.”
What should she do? What could she say? Her hooves were crashing against the ground, whirling up the sweetest dirt, leaving it to clutch against her coat and skin. The horizon was far off, and something was in the distant, laughing at their meager escape attempt. Red bulging eyes, bleeding like mountains of fresh corpses. The image became clearer in her head the longer she lingered on the thought. What could she do? What would the heroes in her books do?
Fight on, she remembered, and just at that moment promised herself to do just that. Whatever was going on, she knew they were in danger, and a hero always managed to find a way.
"No, we can … I'm sure we can, we just need to–“ At that moment she realized that she didn't know what to do. If they ran they'd get pierced and sliced, if they stayed the same would happen, there wasn't even going to be much of a time difference as it stood and they were both just little fillies. Children weren’t heroes, children relied on them.
Now that she thought about it, it seemed kind of unfair actually. She had just gotten the strength back to her legs, she was smart and her Papa was going to miss her. If he wouldn’t have before, at least now, since she was healed. Yes, now that she thought about it, her body was working, for the first time in her life. She did not know how, or why, but she could stand and breathe and if they’d go back to the hospital she could show herself to her papa. He would be proud and happy again, Shining Armor would return and everypony would acknowledge the brave and smart filly.
And the clouds advanced one step after another.
Twilight felt Trixie’s tail nervously whipping across the ground, while her own remained close to her body, unmoving. She was too afraid to do anything, to say anything. There was nothing she could do, and neither nurse Redheart nor her papa would ever find out that she got good in the end.
An unworldly scream echoed across the plains as the creatures mouths opened, each revealing a thousand teeth like nails, and eyes like abysses of a violent blackness stared at them before the creatures leaped at them, their motions broken and abrupt. Twilight could only close her eyes, praying that Shining Armor would come to save her.
"CANDY!“
I hope the difference is somewhat pleasing. So, meh, I need to return to my magical water utopia of Narwhalia.
Even after reading the entire story, that one piece always makes me think they're High...
It is interesting to see the changes as they happen for while I loved the original, and how dark the ending was for a "happy ending", it is turning into a much finer piece of literature.