Human of A Pony By ThunderIce · 6:03pm Feb 23rd, 2014
Warning: This review contains explicit language. You have been warned.
Hey, guys. Fireemblemspider here. And welcome to another day in the month of love.
We’ve seen a lot of love moments in this month. Some of them sweet, tragic, cute, painful, heartbreaking, laughable and just an overall a bore to sit through. This week’s review is nothing too special. This one addresses the love an OC has for one of the main characters.
Now, an OC falling in love with one of the main characters is nothing new. At least everyone and their dog has done this, even if they never wrote a fan fiction about it. I personally have no problem with this, unless it isn’t done very well, such as the canon character not being in character for any particular reason, the romantic interest being a male/female version of the character they’re falling for, or if it just too damn forced.
Many of these are such the case in fan fiction. There are some that have pulled this off and today we will be looking at one of them that doesn’t. Human of a Pony by ThunderIce.
The original story I found was on Fanfiction.com and I don’t think it was ever posted on FIMFiction. Let me know if I’m wrong. Based on the reviews I read, the story was pretty well written. However, most of the reviews were told by four or five people, so make of that what you will.
No sense in drawing this out any more than it needs to be, so let’s just dive right in.
As you have probably noticed, there are spoilers for this fic. If you haven’t read this yet, and you would like to, turn back now.
As for the rest of you…
We start on Earth, in Manhattan, New York, at 2:25 p.m. on June 25, 2011. Oh, good, I thought this took place in 1989. Right off the bat we are introduced to our main character, John Daniels, an 18 year old. He was walking home from his girlfriend’s house in Queens.
Wait a minute, Manhattan, depending on where you are, is at least 7+ miles from Queens. According to the research I’ve done, the closest actual apartment building in New York is at least 8 miles from Queens. That is a 3 and a half hour walk! I guess that he could have taken public transportation, but that’s never suggested in the narration. The narration makes it sound like he walked the entire way!
He tells us about how he got a letter from his girlfriend saying that she is breaking up with him.
Dear John Get it?
Dear John, We need to talk. Nothing much. See you soon. Sincerely, Julie
Okay, so she passes him a note. What are they in high school or something? Why doesn’t she just text him that? I’m pretty sure a teenage kid in New York has a cellphone. You told us the date of the story, so I would think that they would both have a cellphone in this day and age. I realize that there are some kids that don’t have cellphones, but it’s highly unlikely.
He looked at the two words, “Nothing Much.” It was much! She leaves him, Leaving him depressed, And she acts like it’s nothing.
Anyone else notice how after every comma he capitalizes something? Also, the girlfriend says that he was never there for her. However, we are never actually shown this or given a reason why she would think this, so this makes this scene completely pointless.
Anyway, John seems to have the same mentality as his girlfriend since when he arrives at his apartment, he turns on the T.V and watches a documentary on demolitions with him thinking. There are plenty of other girls in Manhattan. Just not her.
I think this is supposed to portray that he is still in love with her and misses her, but the narration never suggests that. In fact, it just goes to the next scene without even mentioning her again.
At 10:50 p.m., John orders a pizza and decides to go to bed. … What did that have to do with the story? It’s just filler about John’s day that’s never brought up again and doesn’t do anything to further the story or give us insight into John, except that he likes pizza and he showers.
Though to be fair, showering is important and you should do it every once in a while. … Yes, I am talking to you. You know who you are.
He describes the city to us as John enters a dream. This would be creative if the sounds of the city would play a part in the dream he is partaking, but all is does is describe to us a city John spends no time in. So it’s utterly pointless.
And it’s only one sentence long. Did you really need to have this one sentence describing the lights of the city when you aren’t even going to be there for the rest of the story?
Anyway, he starts having a dream about becoming a pony. Don’t we all? And then he wakes up… That was rather sudden. He doesn’t describe what happens in the dream. Only that it was fun. Why was it fun? What were you doing in the dream? Do you mind showing us what is going on? That would be kind of nice!
Then, He was back in his bedroom, Which was dark, but partially bright because of the lights of the city shining through.
How can it be dark and yet partially bright? Wouldn’t it make more sense to say something along the lines of “The small lights that shined from the city only mildly illuminated the room, causing items near the window to be seen with clarity. Everything else in the room was only darkened shapes.” And that’s not even a good example. I’m sure other, better writers could make this flow better than even I could.
Anyway, he looks to his living room after hearing a “wooshing” sound. Yes, Wooshing is spelled wrong, but that’s how it’s spelt out in the story. He discovers that the noise is actually a portal to another world. He looks through the portal with curiosity and sees a village.
It showed a faint view of a small village. He didn’t know what the village was.
It was probably a village. … If this is our protagonist, this is going to be a long story. Better be prepared.
The portal then sucks John in and he passes out. Hours pass by, though I am confused as to why he started by telling us the exact time with every scene and all of the sudden he just says “Hours later.” He finds himself lying in bed with a cyan pony hovering over him.
The pony introduces herself as Rainbow Dash and John starts to freak out that she is a talking pony. Rainbow Dash is confused and says that John is a pony.
Eh. It’s been done…
Sorry, stupid pun.
He nearly fainted. But didn’t
How exactly is he feeling? Is he feeling faint? Is he dizzy? Confused? Angry? Outraged? Excited? Disgusted? What exactly is going through his mind?!
Rainbow Dash explains that he’s arrived in Ponyville and that the year is 20011. No, that’s not a typo. It’s the year 20011. Why? Who knows why? It doesn’t play a part in the story at all and it has no purpose to the plot. Why the hell did he time travel 18000 years into the future for no freaking reason?! If there was a point to his time traveling, maybe I would forgive, but the whole thing is fucking pointless! Does this guy think in 18000 years ponies will take over the world while humanity dies off! … Don’t get any ideas, writers!
John tries to wake himself up, thinking he’s dreaming again, but then Rainbow Dash suggests that he’s lost his memory. Rainbow Dash offers to take him into town to see if they can jog it. John tells Rainbow Dash to call him Thunder Ice based on the ice and lightning bolt shapes on his rump.
Why the hell couldn’t he just stay with the name, John? He says he’s never heard of Ponyville and that he doesn’t know where he is! Why would he just make up a name?! There’s no need and no reason! He’s not hiding from anybody! He’s not familiar with how everything is set up in this world! There is no reason for him to come up with a name like that! If he was familiar with this world, I would get it, but the fact that he’s doesn’t know just makes me scratch my head.
Anyway, Thunder and Rainbow Dash attempt to go to town, when Thunder falls off the cloud they were perched on. Thunder then suddenly remembers he’s a Pegasus. Remembers? You never mentioned that he was a Pegasus prior to this point! It was never mentioned that he had wings! How the hell could he have remembered something that wasn’t even acknowledged?
So Thunder and Rainbow Dash go to Pinkie’s house. And apparently Pinkie has either kicked out the Cake Family or has made cupcakes out of them since it is stated that Pinkie is the owner.
Rainbow’s friends were at Pinkie Pie’s home, Because she backed more delicious Cupcakes, I knew it! I knew she baked them into cupcakes! Damn you, Pinkamena!
And they all tried them out. The responses were all, “DELICIOUS!” Twilight Sparkle had said to her, “Pinkie, Another Batch well done.”
You starting to get the feel of how well this is written yet? Yeah, it goes through this throughout the entire story. I’m going to need something stronger than beer I think.
Anyway, Rainbow Dash and Thunder arrive at Pinkie’s house, just in time to try some of Pinkie’s cupcakes.
Each of the characters introduces themselves to Thunder.
Each pony said their names. Twilight started first. She said, “My name is Twilight Sparkle.” Then Rarity, “I’m Rarity.” Applejack then spoke, “I’m Applejack, Nice to meet Y’all!”
I know it’s annoying every time I cut back to the story’s narration like this, but there are a lot of points that really bother me. For one, why did we need each of the characters to say who they were with dialogue when we already mention who they are? We don’t need to have dialogue telling us who they are, if we already know. And for those of you who think it’s to introduce Thunder to the characters, “Each pony said their names” would have been enough! If you wanted to keep the dialogue, than describe to us what the characters look like, indicating that Thunder doesn’t know who they are and neither does the audience.
Then Derpy, who was in Pinkie’s house for some reason… That is exactly how it is typed people. I’m not kidding. You may roll your eyes and moan now.
Derpy then introduces herself as … Ditzy? You just called her Derpy! Why would you call her Ditzy if you just called her Derpy?! And yes, I do realize that Derpy is also called Ditzy Doo, but you don’t just call a character one name and then call her another in the same sentence, without establishing a reason why they have another name! I realize nicknames can work in stories without an establishment, but usually they make sense because of the character’s occupation or name! (By the way, I hope you like what Derpy contributed to the story, because this is all we get from her, folks. Say it with me… Pointless)
Anyway, Rainbow Dash asks where Spike and Fluttershy is. Rarity replies that Spike had to do something for Twilight. (Translation. Like everywhere else, Spike gets cut from the story.) And that Fluttershy is hiding in the back.
Hiding from what exactly? Why from her friends of course!
Well, apparently Fluttershy thinks that her friends are going to trick her or something. And here’s the part where I yell, “Bullshit!”
Pinkie Pie established that even the most harmless pranks would upset Fluttershy and that Pinkie would never pull a prank that would upset her. Fluttershy already knows this! Why the hell would Fluttershy think that her friends are trying to trick her?! They’ve never done this in the show! Why the hell does the author think it would happen here?!
Fluttershy refuses to come out of the back room, but Thunder is able to comfort her. … What’s that smell in the air? … Hmm… Could it be… Bullshit?
So apparently Thunder’s special talent is to win Fluttershy’s trust after just a few words, even though her friends, who she has known for at least a season and a half, weren’t able too. I think I see a Mary-Sue coming on.
Thunder and Fluttershy exited the closet (foreshadowing anyone?) and Fluttershy wants to show Thunder Ice around town. In more ways than one I would imagine.
Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash start to show Thunder around the city. At 2:25 pm., only this time it is actually in the narration rather than a separate piece, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash take Thunder to a barn where Thunder gets his nose bitten by a chicken.
”The chicken bit my snout. Powerful teeth they have.”
Chickens do not have teeth, Thunder, and you are stupid!
But that’s okay, because Fluttershy is there to kiss it all better. How old is this guy? Three? I thought he was 18?
Though to be fair, being kissed by Fluttershy would make me feel better too.
2:34 p.m
Central Ponyville
Seriously, the guy keeps jumping from one style to another! Consistency please! Also, why do you feel the need to tell us the exact time and date of everything that is happening?! It serves no purpose to the story! There is no reason to have the dates and time! You could have said “Sometime in the afternoon” and it would have made more sense than having the damn time clock on the corner!
After showing Thunder the entire town, Rainbow Dash says she has to run and help Applejack with her apple bucking. Apparently, Big McIntosh is still injured from last Apple buck Season. That or this is a new injury, but that’s never explained. Fluttershy says she is going to stay with Thunder and show him around town.
Why does she need to continue to show him the town? Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy just showed him the entire town! That is stupid! Fluttershy, you are stupid!
I mean… You are the greatest, most beautiful, not stupid in any way imaginable, goddess that has ever graced this earth and I am completely unworthy to be in your presence.
Huff… dodged a bullet on that one.
Also, why doesn’t Fluttershy go and help Applejack? Isn’t Applejack supposed to be her friend or something? Why would she ditch Applejack for a pony she literally met a few hours ago?! Couldn’t they have just taken Thunder along to help Applejack?! That way, Fluttershy is still in character (although it wouldn’t be for long as we see later) and Thunder gets a chance to see Sweet Apple Arches and see what the other characters are all about!
Is Applejack that Cow…
What the hell?! What is with the Applejack hatred?!
Is Applejack that Cow…Uh… Mare That I saw at Pinkie’s house earlier?
Oh, okay. I get it. Thunder doesn’t know what to call girls in this world, so he calls them mares. Even though in the show there are several characters that are called girls. But since he doesn’t know much about this world, I’ll let it slide. What I won’t let slide is the fact that Applejack introduced herself to him. Are you telling me he forgot something that happened an hour or so ago? God, I’m not going to like this character.
Fluttershy then tells him about her farm… even though it is a cottage, but Fluttershy hasn’t been in character so far, so why start now?
Fluttershy starts to get scared around Thunder, because he’s a new pony. And yet, you still want to be with him? Logic? It’s dead.
Thunder tells her that being afraid is a sign of weakness.
Whether you agree with this statement or not, I would like to share my point on this. I don’t believe simply being afraid is a weakness. We all are afraid sometimes. It’s a natural state of being human. When we face the unknown or something that has caused us pain in the past, there is a natural fear that our bodies feel. The act of being afraid is natural.
Now, refusing to act because you are afraid, I believe, is a sign of weakness. It shows that you are unable to confront fear and you allow it to rule your life and the decisions you make. One could make the argument that this is what the author was going for, but again the narration never really explains that. So I’m just left to scratch my head at this guy.
Anyway, they go to Fluttershy’s farm. Yes, apparently Fluttershy no longer has a cottage, making me think that this isn’t the Equestria I’m used to. This makes the next scene somewhat more bearable. But not by much.
We then cut to nighttime, but we aren’t given the exact time. If you are going to continue to pointlessly tell us the time, pick a method and stick with it!
Fluttershy is showing Thunder around her house and Thunder wonders why everything is better in Equestria than in his world.
Well, it’s not hard to beat our world when Equestria is ruled by a benevolent ruler and the only real evil is a shape shifting queen. Discord is reformed, so he doesn’t count! Nightmare Moon is reformed, so she doesn’t count! Sombra is dead, so he doesn’t count! I haven’t seen season 4, so it doesn’t count! I hated Equestria Girls, so it doesn’t count!
During the ongoing storm, a tree falls through Fluttershy’s house and threatens to crush Fluttershy.
Fluttershy was “Frozen”
So Fluttershy was a really good Disney movie?
So Fluttershy was a weak-willed architect, who teams up with Hulk Hogan?
That actually sounds more interesting than reading this story. Especially if Hulk Hogan was replaced by Iron Will.
Anyway, Thunder pushes Fluttershy out of the way and into a closet. Apparently, he knocks himself out doing so. Fluttershy and Thunder are stuck in the closet, which apparently has a light source that turns on automatically if the door is closed. And that is exactly how it is written in the story.
Yeah, it’s weird… bizarre… and stupid.
Thunder wakes up shortly after being knocked out and he discovers that the fallen tree has trapped them in the closet. Fluttershy is shivering due to the cold caused from the storm outside. Thunder reveals that he has the power to absorb cold since that’s what his cutie mark tells him. And here’s the part where I keep track of how many made up powers Thunder Ice has.
#1: Being able to calm Fluttershy down when all her other friends couldn’t.
It counts!
#2: Being completely immune to freezing cold.
He wraps his arms around Fluttershy (yes, its arms in the story, get over it) and keeps her warm. And then Thunder Ice starts to… turn into ice himself?
#3: Being able to solidify his body into ice.
And then he… transfers his ability to absorb cold into Fluttershy’s body?
#4: What the fucking hell?!
So the cold starts to freeze the floor and the two slip with him ending up on top of Fluttershy. Oh, dear lord… I was hoping this wouldn’t be for a few more chapters, but I guess it was inevitable.
Yes, Fluttershy and Thunder bang each other. I’ll spare you the details, but let’s just say it’s not written very well and even if it was, this is rather disturbing and comes out of freaking nowhere.
But it turns out it was all a dream! A sick, disgusting dream that I had the pleasure of reading!
It turns out that Thunder was recovering from the blow to his head and awakes to find Fluttershy trying to wake him up. Fluttershy says that she was scared that she would lose her best friend.
Oh, that is so sweet that Fluttershy would care about him that way. By the way, Fluttershy, who are these ponies again?
Thunder refuses to tell Fluttershy about the dream as he is afraid she will think of him as a pervert.
Why not? She wouldn’t be wrong.
So, apparently making up powers for his own character wasn’t enough. No, the author decides to make up powers for Fluttershy. Apparently, she now has the ability to turn any patch of ice or snow into a heart shape. And in case, you were wondering, Thunder’s powers in the dream are apparently canon. And yes, he knows how to use them perfectly without ever mentioning them prior to this point.
God, I really hate this story right now and I’m not even done with Chapter 3 yet.
Anyway, Thunder promises Fluttershy that he will stand up for her if she ever needs it. Why? Why so Fluttershy can bang him in reality of course. It has nothing to do with him genially wanting to help her. Nope, he just wants to have sex with her!
Fluttershy says that nopony would ever stand up for her before and nopony has ever been this nice to her.
Again, are we forgetting about the other friends you have?! The Elements of freaking Harmony?! What the hell did they do to piss off Fluttershy so badly?!
Thunder replies that he is the nice, kind pony she needs. Kind, perverted, it’s all the same.
So morning comes around and Thunder and Fluttershy are still trapped in the closet. However, Applejack finds them and offers to help them out. Thunder mentions that they were stuck in the closet all night. And then Applejack starts laughing.
… I’m not kidding.
Fluttershy wonders why Applejack is laughing and Thunder reveals that Applejack is just thinking dirty thoughts.
Ha, ha, ha. That’s funny, Applejack. Thunder and Fluttershy being stuck in a closet all night forced to keep each other warm due to the fact that a terrible storm was probably freezing them to death. Not to mention the fact that Fluttershy WAS ALMOST FLATTENED, YOU INCONSISTERATE ASSHOLE!
Anyway, Asshole-jack goes to get the others, but she can’t stop herself from laughing at Thunder and Fluttershy being trapped in a closet.
That’s really cute. By the way, you’re friends are probably … DYING!
So, Rainbow Dash does the only sensible thing these characters have done so far and yells at Applejack for being insensitive.
Oh and by the way, one thing that keeps popping up in the story is the stupid emoticons conveyed throughout. Instead of actually describing the characters faces, he uses things like :) and T_T to convey emotion. This is a freaking story! Not a text message! Imagine if I wrote a story like this.
Fireemblemspider walked into the room. His face was :) He walked over to his friend, who was :(
Fireemblemspider :( because his friend did. “What’s wrong?” Fireemblemspider asked.
His friend said, “I lost my wallet.” :’(
Fireemblemspider 
It fucking doesn’t work, does it? When writing a story, you need to convey emotions and expressions through your words. A fucking emoticon is not a replacement for actual descriptions in a story.
Anyway, they rush to Fluttershy’s house and dig them out. Fluttershy then faints after reviewing the damage. Personally, I would faint after reviewing this story, but whatever.
The others wonder where Fluttershy can stay until her home is repaired. Pinkie Pie suggests her home, but Applejack gives the dumbest reason possible of why that wouldn’t work.
But It would be too party-like
What the hell does that mean?! Pinkie would still have to run the business of Sugar Cube Corner. It’s a livable place and Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy do have a friendly relationship! Fluttershy may be shy, but she’d doesn’t hate parties. Especially ones that Pinkie Pie throws! And as far as we know, the Cake Family no longer lives there, so there is no reason why Fluttershy can’t live there!
Thunder then gets an idea. Fluttershy can stay at his place. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a place, but he plans on building one. That’s all well and good, but where is she going to stay until your home is built? And if you are just going to build a home anyway, why don’t you focus on rebuilding Fluttershy’s home since you are basically going to force her into your house later?! Oh, don’t worry, that will come! Just you wait!
Thunder spots a Canyon and says that he will build his house there.
Twilight says it’s weird.
No, Twilight. The response you’re looking for is…
So, Thunder convinces the group that he can build a house out of stone with his powers over craftsmanship.
#5 Can carve rocks with his bare hooves (Even though he started out as a human and has only been in Equestria for one day!)
Twilight offers for Fluttershy to stay at her place until Thunder is finished.
Thunder gets to work on the project with only a hoof full of tools and a bunch of rocks.
After a few hours, Twilight and the others go to check on Thunder’s progress, where they find a giant pair of metal doors with speakers and a control panel?!
#6 Can build an entire home for two ponies with a sound system, a control panel that is programed to keep intruders out, acquire several pieces of furniture without any money, is able to cover the ceiling completely in rubies that is found in another cave. And cover the rubies in a special coating that makes him able to see through down below him, but nopony can see upwards! And he does all this in the span of a few hours! And that’s not even the best part! Oh, no! He even creates a simulator room so that he can make a hologram of Manhattan!
Anyone else want to strangle this character yet?! Because I sure do!
Twilight said, “Well, I guess you weren’t kidding when you said you could build things out of rocks so easily.”
Okay, there’s MacGyver. There’s magic. And then there’s God. And this is... MacGodfuckingmagicGokuSupersayianPre-crisisSupermanGyver. There is no fucking way that you can make me believe that this character can actually build all this shit from rocks! All those architects with their plans and years of education!… Fuck that shit, all you fucking need is fucking rocks and an 18 year old pervert! Rome wasn’t built in a day my ass! This guy could probably build Rome in an afternoon!
So after that idiocy, Thunder uses the simulator machine to recreate his world and tell everyone his backstory. Say, I wonder how rocks can be used to create a simulator machine? All those scientists with their “theories” and their “research”. Fuck science! We got rocks!
So, he tells them about how he is actually a human and reveals that he was born in Orlando, Florida on June 24, 1993. He explains who his parents are gives us details about them. And in case you are wondering, there is a point to all this. And you are going to hate every second of it once it’s revealed.
So he explains that he met a girl in fourth grade and was instantly in love with her. I would say this is the same girl, Julie, but that’s never made clear.
He then explains about his first visit to New York and how much of a fun time he had. Or at least, I think he had fun, again not explained very well. He keeps repeating a line “Everything was well.” as if he didn’t have a good time.
He says he went to the World Trade Center on ... September 11, 2001?
Oh, god. He’s not going to do that, is he? … Oh, my fucking god… Are you serious?... I want to apologize right now to anyone who might be offended by what I am about to read. If you feel like you need to find something else to read, feel free. This is not a joke. This is not a gag. I won’t feel bad and you shouldn’t feel guilty. If you need to see something else, please, do not let me stop you.
…
…
…
…
…
For those of you who have stayed… Let’s do this…
So, he tells them about how his parents came to Manhattan on that day. He says that he and his parents were in the south tower at approximately 8:43 a.m.
He goes on to describe the events that happened with the first plane hitting the north tower. With that, he and his parents start to evacuate. He and his parents proceed down the staircase.
After making it to the 74th floor, the second plane crashes into the south tower. He is able to escape the fires but his parents aren’t.
He escapes as he watches the towers crumble.
…
…
…
Do you want to know how difficult this chapter was for me? I skipped a lot of this for you guys, but I think you got it. He made up this whole tragic backstory for his OC involving one of the greatest disasters that this country has ever suffered because why?
So that Fluttershy will feel sorry for him and he can be her furry little critter!
That’s the whole reason for this, guys! He involved innocent people who lost their lives in this great calamity, so he could get his friendship into Fluttershy’s magic! Bull-fucking-shit! How fucking dare you?! How dare you use this great tragedy for yourself?! How dare you write about this when only two chapters ago you wrote about Flutter… eww?!
There is no reason to involve 9/11 into all this! There is no fucking reason! If you want to give your character a tragic backstory that makes everyone else feel sorry for him, fine! But you do not involve an actual event, something that actually happened and is painful for many of us and still painful even to this day! When you do, you absolutely MUST do it right and you MUST do it for the right reason!
This is fucking My Little Pony, dude! MY FUCKING LITTLE PONY! Why the fucking hell are you involving a real event in all this?! What went through your mind to think that THIS was acceptable?!
It actually happened! You must get it right! And when you don’t get it right, you spit on the graves of those who lost their lives! You spit in the faces of the families who lost someone in this horrible atrocity! You show how little you care about the feelings of those people who actually lost something because of this!
I don’t fuck with this shit man! There are a lot of things I can forgive you for! I can forgive none of the characters being in character! I can forgive Applejack laughing at the sexual innuendos for no fucking reason! I can forgive your character being the biggest Mary-Sue I’ve ever read! I can forgive the fact that you are having perverted fantasies with a magical flying horse!
But if you think that I am going to forgive you for blindly insulting the thousands of innocent lives that were lost in the 9/11 attacks, you are out of your fucking mind! This is un-fucking-acceptable! This is unacceptable! This is absolutely wrong! And I am just baffled at how you think that “This is make-believe, it doesn’t matter!” Fuck you, it does matter! It matters to those of us who lost something! It matters to those of us who lost a somebody who was special to them! It matters to us when you use this event as a means to achieve your own personal perverted fiction! And you should feel ashamed of yourself for using this event to cash in on your own personal perverted fantasies, you cock-sucking son of a bitch! I am appalled at you and I will never forgive you for this!
… … … Please, God. Tell me … I can’t be the only one who thinks this way. Please… God. Tell me I’m not alone.
… Moving on…
He then mentions that days afterward he flew back to Florida to his girlfriend’s house.
This kid is only eight years old! He’s not old enough to be on his own without guardianship! And no, just because he’s old enough to make anything out rocks, does not mean he is capable of taking care of himself? And if he can build anything out of rocks, why doesn’t he just build a machine to bring his parents back to life? There is no mention of any limits on what exactly he is able to build!
He then mentions about how a few days ago his girlfriend broke up with him, although it is actually 18000 years since that day, but hey, he doesn’t care about the story, so why should I?
He admits that he wasn’t there for her, but we aren’t exactly told what. And frankly, I could give less of a rat’s ass about this character, so let’s just try to get through this chapter.
He says that he was in the portal that brought him to Equestria for a thousand years and that’s when he passed out.
How the hell would he be able to tell how much time has passed in a place where no time would be displayed. Was there just a calendar passing in front of him the entire time? If so, that was never mentioned before! Why the hell wasn’t it mentioned before?! Did you not come up with it yet?!
So, anyway I guess this story causes Thunder to pass out for some reason; I’m sure half the audience for this passed out and accidently clicked the thumbs up bottom. The girls get him off to bed and then they remember that Spike is a main character in the series, so they go to find him.
The girls “trotted” out of the room. (Because they’re ponies)
And there it is people. The middle finger to the audience. Seriously, dude, THE SERIES IS CALLED MY LITTLE PONY! Are you seriously telling me that you thought we didn’t know the main characters were ponies?! What kind of drugs were you on when you were writing this thing?!
And Fluttershy again, doesn’t want to lose her best friend… You know what, I’m not going to call her Fluttershy anymore. The real Fluttershy wouldn’t call this pervert her best friend, when she has several friends who have been there for her repeatedly for the last year and a half. The real Fluttershy wouldn’t faint at the sight of her destroyed home. The real Fluttershy doesn’t have the power to make hearts out of ice, just by touching them! From now on, I will be referring to this character as “Fluttershy in name only.”
Fluttershy in name only kisses Thunder and then Thunder gets some of his wonderful thoughts. Yes, because a fan fiction that just told us the story about the death of thousands of innocent lives can segue so easily to this perverted crap.
The next day, Thunder wakes up and finds the girls at the Third Annual Balloon Race. Apparently, all the characters, including Thunder for some odd reason, have a balloon and a trio of ponies racing in their name. I would question why each of the characters have their own balloons and are all participating in the race, but I simply don’t care anymore.
During the course of the race, which is not detailed to us at all, making it incredibly boring, Fluttershy in name only’s balloon starts to malfunction. The balloon explodes and catches fire. And then it… send debris everywhere? How can an exploding balloon cause debris to fall from the sky? The story mentions the balloon got so big that it literally popped! How is that strong enough to rip debris from anywhere?! And for that matter, where would the debris come from in the first place?! They are up in the fucking sky! There’s no mention of any buildings or obstacles that they could have moved, so it makes no fucking sense! Up is down and left is right! Nothing is everything and life is death! Nothing in this world makes sense! It’s all nonsense!
Okay… I feel better now… It’s a wonder what Disney nostalgia can do.
So the balloon soars out of control and heads towards Fluttershy in name only. Thunder rushes to her and saves her. The hot air balloon crashes and causes an explosion…
What the hell? Did Michael Bay start writing this? You know… that would explain a lot.
So, anyway, Thunder is dead and this fan fiction is over… We could only be so lucky.
No, Thunder is alive, even though he was buried in the rubble. Because of his thunder cutie mark, he has the ability to generate an electrical field to protect himself. That makes number 7, for those of you who are keeping track. 3 more powers and I get a free milkshake! Come on, milkshake!
So anyway, they dig Thunder out of the rubble and Fluttershy in name only confesses her love to him. I would say that this is stupid since Fluttershy has only known him for a single day and yet she knows, without a doubt, that he is the one. But since the real Fluttershy is probably tied up and gagged in her cottage and this imposter took her place as a changeling, I really don’t care.
And you would think that this fan fic would be over, but no. We still haven’t had the sex yet nor the plot. That’s right, the scene with getting Fluttershy in name only and Thunder together, was only a subplot. We still need to get to the main plot of the story. And God, is it disappointing.
We start the next chapter with an author’s note and boy is it a good one.
This chapter may be a little stupid, Again, Because I’m running out of ideas.
Not exactly inspiring confidence, is he? So we get the leftovers of ideas that he just pulls out of his ass. And don’t worry about this chapter being stupid. The whole story has been stupid!
So, apparently, Fluttershy in name only and Thunder are dating.
Fluttershy in name only finds Thunder back in their house. (Yes, they are living together. Just like I said they would). They say they are going to the beach to hang out with friends. Thunder reveals that he doesn’t want to go for fear of something will happen. When Fluttershy in name only asks why, Thunder reveals that he had a dream where Fluttershy in name only was raped and killed while on a visit to Canterlot.
Yes. On top of all the other shit this author has thrown at us, he now has the stones to throw rape into the mix. There are no words to describe the level of stupid this is about to get to, folks!
After Fluttershy in name only calms him down, they decided to go to the beach anyway. When they arrive, Twilight instantly notices that something is wrong with Thunder and then Fluttershy in name only reveals the dream to them.
Are you freaking kidding me?! She literally tells them that in a dream she was raped and killed! Now I realize that these ponies are her friends, but doesn’t that seem kind of personal and a bit touchy a subject to be talking about like this?! Especially sense it was a freaking dream! It hasn’t happened! (and is never mentioned again, making it utterly fucking pointless) I know these are your friends, but wouldn’t it be better to talk it out as a couple before bringing it to any pony’s attention!
The girls try to talk to Thunder, but then… Dumb-Bell appears and starts making fun of him?!
What the hell? I call bull-shit on this one! Yes, I realize that Dumb-Bell is a bully, but where the hell did this come from?! He hasn’t been in the story until now! There was no history between him and Thunder! There is no reason why this character should be there in the first place! What the hell?! Dumb-Bell just comes the fuck out of nowhere without any rhyme or reason and starts making fun of Thunder, all for the purpose of making everyone feel sorry for him! Haven’t you already done that?! That’s all you’ve been doing! Tell us a story! Entertain me! Give me something to do beside bash this story and how badly it’s put together!
So after Dumb-Bell does his thing, Thunder transforms into a demon and attacks Dumb-Bell.
#8: Hulk/Ghost Rider rip-off.
After nearly sending Dumb-Bell to the hospital, Rainbow Dash makes a stupid comment about how cool it is to beat the hell out of somepony.
Thunder says that is must be a demon inside him and that he needs to get rid of it. Or at least that’s what should have happened. Instead, he decides that the demonic power is a good thing and that he will keep it as long as he can.
Dumb-Bell then starts to plot his revenge against Thunder and plans to break up Fluttershy in name only and Thunder.
Holy God! He’s a fucking bully, not a psychopath! He’s may be an asshole, but he’s not completely devoid of sympathy and willingness to admit that he is wrong! In the episode, Sonic Rainboom, he apologizes for his rude behavior at the end of the episode. After which, we never see his rude behavior again!
But that was of course assuming that you actually did the research into the show. But I’ll let the author himself, tell you about the “research” he’s done.
I haven’t watched the MLP episode of Dumb-Bell to know much about him. All I saw was ‘Nice going, Cluttzershy’ on Youtube.
He was a fucking colt when that happened! Granted he didn’t improve much, but he was a fucking kid! And how do you explain to represent something to the best of your ability when you don’t even put the time and effort into doing your fucking research?!
The only bright side to this is that we are more than halfway done with this story. So let’s just hope there isn’t anything else stupid in this … Wishful thinking, I know.
The next chapter sees Dumb-Bell wandering Ponyville plotting his revenge. However, he comes across Thunder who is talking to himself.
Thunder starts berating himself for having his sicko dream. Even though it was never mentioned again in the story up to this point, but hey, the author suddenly remembered we had that plot point, so it needed to be in the story affecting the main character for no reason.
And I have to question just how loud Thunder is talking to himself. If he is speaking loud enough to be heard by Dumb-Bell who happens to be listening quite a distance away, he must be yelling it rather than just talking to himself.
Anyway, Dumb-Bell finds out about the dream and plans to use it to break Fluttershy in name only and Thunder up. He arrives at Fluttershy in name only’s house and tells her about the dream. Oh and he makes up some shit about him cheating on her with Rainbow Dash.
And of course, the shape shifter believes Dumb-Bell. I would have questioned the fact that this bully has treated you and your friends poorly in the past and has given you no reason to trust what he says, but this is the imposter Fluttershy. If this was the real Fluttershy, she wouldn’t have believed anything Dumb-Bell had said. If you wanted to go this route with the real Fluttershy… Good for you… It still wouldn’t work, but good for you.
And so, Fluttershy in name only kicks Thunder out of her house and leaves him alone. Technically, wouldn’t that be his house, since he built it out of rocks and as far as we know, he never rebuilt your home?
So Thunder returns to his home and slinks back in his sofa. Apparently, he did build Fluttershy in name only a new house, but that was never mentioned until now. Again, he doesn’t seem to care about the story, so why should I?
He starts to think about who told her. Why the hell doesn’t he just talk to Rainbow Dash?! Dumb-Bell said that he was cheating on Fluttershy in name only to sleep with Rainbow Dash! Why doesn’t he just go over and talk to Rainbow Dash about why Fluttershy in name only would think that?!
And while we’re on the subject, Dumb-Bell’s plan to break Fluttershy in name only and Thunder up, is really, really, really STUPID! Did he really need to add the whole “Thunder is cheating!” thing?! Especially, with a character who is Fluttershy in name only’s friend, who probably won’t collaborate with his story?! The biggest hole in his plan is that the rumors reach Rainbow Dash’s ears and Rainbow Dash explains that she never slept with him! Making everyone once again, love Thunder! The only way Dumb-Bell could possibly save his plan is to murder Rainbow Dash and with this level of stupid, that wouldn’t surprise me!
He begins to feel sorry for himself and decides to commits suicide. Wow, this author finds all sorts of new ways to piss me off!
He goes up on a cliff and jumps off. However, he is saved by… the ghostly image of his father? !
So, they two embrace and his father calls him John.
“It’s been so long since I’ve heard that name. Maybe 3 days.
Are you fucking kidding me?! It’s been three days since this all started! Three fucking days! Are you kidding me?! Obviously time is no longer a factor in these stories! That or there is something wrong with the space-time continuum! But, who the fuck cares at this point?!
So, John tells his father about what has been happening. The father gives his advice about getting Fluttershy in name only back.
If she is who you truly desire, You can try to win her back
And if you don’t win her back, you can always force her to be together with you like all psychopaths.
His father then says that God allowed him to bring him back to life. And then the author gives us the middle finger again. That’s right people, if you or a loved one commits suicide, God will bring them back to life at no charge!
He comes back to life and notices Twilight crying over his death, saying that it was her fault. How the hell was it your fault?! Is everyone in this story just a complete moron?!
Thunder tells Twilight about what happened and how he is still alive. Twilight reveals to Thunder the truth about what Dumb-Bell had said. And then kisses Thunder.
Twilight says that she fell in love with him as his corpse lay on the ground waiting for his spirit to come back. Wonderful! He just turned Twilight into a necrophiliac! Is there no lows this guy won’t sink too?!
And then the two have sex together! Yes, because that is what I would do! I would totally have sex with the woman who had sex with my corpse! That just turns me on! I HATE THIS STORY! I HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE…
… THIS STUPID STORY!
Thank you, Kefka. I couldn’t have done it without you.
Our story continues with Thunder having a special sleepover with Twilight, if you know what I mean. I wonder what type of book Twilight used for this one.
Anyway, the two wake up to see Spike and the other characters watching them as they sleep together. Okay, I understand Spike, but what the hell are the other characters doing there?! What? Did Spike just find them there and decided to get the others so they could see what kind of ponies these two are, instead of just confronting it himself?!
Rainbow Dash is pissed off because apparently word has gotten out that Thunder and Rainbow Dash slept together.
There are about a hundred things wrong with this scene, but I’m going to condense them down to three things.
1: Spike brought the other characters to his home to watch Thunder bone Twilight. I’ve already gone over that, but it’s a huge problem!
2: Why the hell does everyone believe what Dumb-Bell says?! They know how much of a liar he is in this world and he has given them no reason to trust them! Furthermore, Rainbow Dash and the others know the truth! Why the hell are they making such a big deal out of Thunder telling lies about the fact that he slept with Rainbow Dash?! They do make a big deal out of Thunder being a pervert, as they should, but what the hell is with Thunder being chewed out for something that these characters should know!
3: They never bring up that Thunder is cheating on Fluttershy in name only with Twilight! They found them both banging each other and that is never even mentioned! Instead, they’re pissed off about Thunder “lying” about sleeping with Rainbow Dash. Is Rainbow Dash just jealous and wants some Thunder in her clouds?! Given how every pony in this dumbass story wants to be with that piece of shit, that would not surprise me!
So, remember guys. Don’t lie about sleeping with another woman. That’s bad. But actually sleeping with another woman is A-Okay!
So, Thunder tells them about his little suicide adventure and gets everyone to feel sorry for him, instantly forgiving him. God, somebody shoot me. They then ask who Thunder loves more with Fluttershy in name only not even bothering to question why Thunder is now paired with Twilight. It’s like the author threw up his hands and said, “Screw it! I don’t care!”
Suddenly, Fluttershy in name only pops a vessel and attacks Thunder… for no explained reason? Whatever, let’s just run with it. Thunder starts to fall of the cliff nearby, the author completely forgetting that the character has wings so this isn’t exactly a threat to him.
The other characters get frightened as Thunder hangs onto the rocks for dear life. You are a freaking Pegasus, you idiot! There is no mention of you losing those wings! Why the hell don’t you fly up to safety, you fucking moron?!
And like a fucking moron, he crashes into the rocks below, completely forgetting that he has fucking… Oh, screw it! Let’s just end this stupid thing.
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy appear next to him and find out that he is still alive.
So they rush him to a hospital with all his friends think that he’s going to die. We could only be so fortunate.
The main six then start to argue about whose fault it is and Twilight eventually convinces everyone that it’s their fault. How does she figure that? Well, she says that it’s because that if Fluttershy in name only found out about him being a sick pervert, she would tell the whole town and that he would be kicked out of Ponyville. That Thunder almost died because of them.
That’s right, people. Thunder is completely incapable of taking responsibility for his actions! Fluttershy in name only didn’t make him think perverted thoughts, he did that himself! It wasn’t Dumb-Bell who made him shout out what he dreamed about with Fluttershy in name only, he did that himself! Twilight didn’t mind control Thunder to make him sleep with her (which by the way no one still mentions), he choose to sleep with her! This character is an absolute waste of space and I can’t wait for this story to end, so I never have to read about him again.
The doctor comes in and says that Thunder is going to die, but that his arms and head work perfectly.
#9: An indestructible top half of his body. Yeah, it’s stupid, but that’s the only way this could possibly make any sense.
The six go in to wish him good-bye, with him making out with Fluttershy and Twilight, saying that he loves them both. And they are both okay with this. Even after she cheated on Fluttershy in name only for Twilight… Fuck you.
Anyway, the next day they come to visit Thunder but are surprised to see that he’s passed away.
However, without Thunder, Twilight feels she has nothing to live for… Twilight, you are an idiot!
So they all get depressed after Thunder dies, even though they spend 4 fucking days with this character, but whatever. Princess Celestia finally appears and Twilight explains what has happened. They go to him in the morgue and Princess Celestia promises to bring him back to life.
No! Please, Princess Celestia, you are so far the best character in the story! Please, don’t bring him back! Leave him to die! Please, for the love of all that is good and holy on this Earth, please, don’t bring him back to life!
And sure enough… Celestia bring him back to life. What nobody knows is what happened afterwards.
So, yeah, Thunder is back, everyone celebrates (except for those of us reading this damn thing), and our story ends with Thunder doing a threesome with Twilight and Fluttershy in name only.
And now I pass judgment upon it… I ask for silence please…
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…
…
…
…
…
This fan fic is nothing but absolute trash! The characters are stupid, with Thunder leading the charge! Thunder is a huge Mary-sue, even by Mary-sue standards! The characters don’t act like their show counterparts and more like cardboard cut outs of the character! No, I’m sorry. That was rude. I shouldn’t have made fun of the cardboard cut outs like that! Cardboard cut outs of the characters have more depth to them then these assholes!
There are so many plot holes in this thing! There are plot points in the story that never get addressed again, like the whole demon thing! What the hell was that all about anyway?! Or the Dumb-Bell plot point! And really, what was the point of the simulator machine that he was able to build, if he only used it once?! Same with his ice powers, his lightning powers, his craftsmanship powers! Those were never explored upon! Never! And what about the whole “Fluttershy being raped” thing?! What the hell was the point of that?! That was never brought up again! Why was it even in the story to begin with?!
The descriptions in this thing are piss poor at best! The dialogue is trash! The sex scenes are sickening and it is surprisingly really insulting! Between insulting the readers and fans of the series, to ignoring the fact that nobody addressed that Thunder was cheating, just makes me want to choke a puppy!
I feel bad for anyone who was suckered in into reading this piece of shit! This story doesn’t deserve the fame it gets and it makes me sick that anyone would enjoy this unlikable hump of garbage!
And you know what the worse thing about all this is?! I read this thing from start to finish and all that this author had to do was come up with one more made up power for his character! One more fucking power and I would have had a free milkshake! Instead, I read this entire story for nothing! Fucking nothing!
Have a great day guys! If you need me, I’ll be out trying to clear my head! … Keep your puppies hidden from me for a while!
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*My in depth thoughts on this story based on your review*
You sir, deserve a break from bad stories. Fortunately I have one I REALLY like AND who has an OC that is a fleshed out and interesting character, WITH a romance with a Mane 6 member that's actually well written and feels natural
What is Fame without Friendship?
When you went on your rant about 9/11, this came to mind
Just be thankful that February is almost over, so you can take a break from shitty romance fics for awhile
1866252 I don't see what that has to do with me, but I do like it! :D
I'm afraid of Jean Grey... Petrified of Jean grey...
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Terrified... of the incredibly... attractive... Jean... Grey...
1866344 I will have to check it out. Because this was an absolute nightmare to read. This whole month has been kind of suckage.
1866391 A lot of the points he brought up in that review are things I feel very strongly about. It ticks me off how some people don't think of that as being a big deal. When in reality, it hurts a lot of people.
Only a few more day in the month of love and I won't have to do it again... Until next year...
1866567 It's got 195 likes and 4 dislikes so that should be encouraging. It's also the story that greatly changed my opinions on OC's. Before I didn't care for them that much, but now if they're well written I don't have a problem.
1866575 Exactly!
Most OC are just the author's fantasies. But if the author puts actual time and effort into the character, giving them flaws, strength and talents that are actually believable, then the story can work. If story bends to the will of the OC, then the story falls apart. The world doesn't revolve around the OC, the OC changes to fit the world.
1866622 And said OC actually does have flaws, weaknesses, is generally likable(To me anyway), and so forth................. Most of his major flaws are expanded upon in the sequel but they don't detract much if at all from his character and I'm just rambling now. But seriously, give it a go
1866661 Thank you! I most certainly will.
1866622 That's why I usually try to keep OCs as minor characters; I'm sure OC main characters are feasible, but it takes a lot of practice to pull them off without making them seem too much like Wish Fulfillment (I've been working on this with my Warhammer and Avatar stories, and I think I've improved significantly)
1866827 I'd love to read them some time. I think I do... okay... at OC characters. I think there are some that I probably put too much of myself in and that's why they don't work. Like Crumble in my Flutterhulk story. He was not a good character.
1866847 Sometimes putting yourself into a character isn't a bad thing (I get most of my dialogue done by talking to myself as if I were the characters), although like you said putting too much of yourself in can cause problems.
and if you'd like a link to my Avatar story, Here it is. Maybe it will alleviate some of the pain that this story brought about (my Warhammer stories are on my main page; the OCs don't really kick in until the sequel)
1866911 I will gladly take a look at it and give it my honest thoughts. Anything would be a better read than this piece of shit.
1866472 Is that you, Rebecca?
1867236 I am anyone I want to be. I'm a shape shifter.
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1867536 Okay, you're not. She has a little inside joke when I talk to her, so I know it's not you.
1867573 Oh... I get it. Never mind.
1867894 Thought I was making a joke, did you?
1869827 Was trying to figure it out. That's just me being stupid. It happens to me a lot.