The Tail (Get It ;P) Of pRince Martin Willis by apple short · 4:16am Feb 20th, 2014
Hey, guys. Fireemblemspider here and welcome to another day in the month of love.
This month has been difficult for me guys. Reading these romance fics for a whole month has really taken its toll on my psyche. As such, I have been meeting with a friend of mine named, Al cohol.
I’ve been working closely with Al for the past week and I think I’m finally ready to review the next fan fiction on my list.
The Tail (Get It ;P) Of pRince Martin Willis by apple short
Oh, sweet merciful crap. For God’s sake, could you at least practice good grammar in your title?! I haven’t even opened up the first chapter yet and already I’m starting to lose faith! Not that there was much there to begin with after seeing the 43 likes to 341 dislike ratio. (And yet, it’s still more likes than any story I’ve posted so far. I’m not sure whether to feel proud of that or sick.)
Anyway, there are spoilers for this story if you care, you guys probably don’t and just are here to see me rage about it. And I will try not to disappoint. So let’s jump right in and see how much fail we can milk out of this!
Martin Willis fell from earth into ponyvile by acidentlee walking into a portle meant only for ponees to get into our world so they can pretend to be non speakers and watch us secretly. He accidentlee waled in it when they didnt know that he was there was to fall in and invade .
Hey twilight. He yelled happily at the sexy purple mare who walked by him.
Oh hello I didn’t see you whats your name she imersoned him and leaned on his side. my name is martin willis i am orange with blue stripes and my cutie mark is the gun from PORTAL. (cause ifell in a portle and I am good at that game)
So… Where the hell do I begin? Well, let’s start at the beginning. Martin falls into a portal only meant for Ponies? I assume we are talking about the Crystal Mirror from Equestria Girls, but that makes no freaking sense. And furthermore, why the hell does a portal go from Equestria to the real world? And how does Martin go through it and nobody else does?!
Second, ponies come to our world to be non-speakers? What the hell does that mean?! Are they planning an invasion?! Is this like some Pinkie and the Brain twist?!
… Actually, that would be rather interesting? Make it happen, people!
Third, what the hell is the “waled in” and “invade” lines about?! I assume that waled was just misspelling of walked, but what the hell is with the invade line? Is he there to kill everypony and take the kingdom of Equestria?! What the hell is that about?!
Fourth, sweet Jesus, do you know what the hell quotation marks are?! They are used to indicate that someone is speaking! They help the reader keep track of conversations!
Fifth, you can spell Portal the game correctly, but you can’t spell portal the word correctly?! They’re the same damn word with the same damn spelling! How do you fuck that up?!
Okay, we better move on or this review is going to take forever.
Twilight asks him, neatly, to come over to her house. How the hell do you ask someone neatly?
He agrees… excrushiatinly? Oh, hell, I’ve seen three year olds with better spelling than this! And do you even know what that word means?! Because in the context of the story, it sounds like he’s dreading going to Twilight’s house, when it is more than apparent that he finds her sexy.
Anyway, they get to the house, where Martin starts having sex with Twilight. Wow, that sure didn’t take long did it. So much for plot and entertainment. Got to get those stupid teenage hormones out with some stupid pony porn. And so much for the logical mind of Twilight, she just accepts the guy wanting to have sex with her and instantly falls in love with him. Mary-sue much. God, I hate this story and I’m not even halfway done with chapter 1.
Spike comes home to find the two banging each other. (Not that there is much to it since is it so poorly described to us. Not that you could read that because of how badly it’s formatted.) Spike flips out that Martin is sleeping with Twilight, saying that she is in love with her. At least, I think that’s what going on. Again, the narration is so bad and the formatting is so confusing that I can’t tell what is going on.
Also, apparently, Spike, who had just come from Rarity’s according to the narration, is wandering around with a tux for Martin. How long has this character been in Equestria?! Ten minutes?! How the fucking hell does Spike know to bring a tux for him when he was never mentioned to anyone but Twilight?! And Twilight just took him to her house and made love to him! Why am I still reading this?!
Twilight kicks Spike out of the house through the window. Twilight yells at Spike calling him an asshole and tells him to take a hike. Geez, Spike, if I were you I would file for abuse. I doubt Celestia would take too kindly to her pupil being an asshole to her assistant.
Then Martin takes Spike on his knee and … Wait a minute, Spike was just tossed out of a window! How the hell is he in the house, now?! There was no mention of him being there! I guess Martin isn’t the only one who can jump through portals.
Apparently, space is warped and time is bendable.
Anyway, Martin tells Spike that they can both have sex with her… Jesus, no wonder I can never relate to anybody if this is all kids today think about.
Martin then tells Spike that he will help him get laid by Rarity. Gee, can’t wait to read about that… Note sarcasm. God, I hope there is a plot to this.
We then get an author’s note… At least… I think it is. Again, this is not separated from the rest of the story.
This is my first story so please be nice I am only 15 an my friend edited this for me using his computer so I now there shouldnt be any bad spelling or stuff, except maybe the name of aquestrea because he said he couldnt find it in the correcter. i am really sensitive and not so good at English so please no angry comments because last time I posted a story somewhere they yelled angrily so please don’t yell at me but just tell me whats wrong and I will fix it to be better. Hope you like it all it was my first time writing sex too and I think it turned out good. Next chapter will be rarity and me and spike. Later and luv
Dude, first off, you need new friends if your editor spells like this. Second, if you do not speak English, then why the hell are you writing this story in English?! You should not be writing a story in a language you are not fluent in and don’t know the grammar and spelling too! And for those of you who are wondering, no, a Google translator is not a substitute for knowing the language! It does not catch all the grammar errors! I realize that English is a very difficult language to learn, but that doesn’t mean I’m cutting you any slack for writing in a language you are not familiar with!
So, I guess the next day, Spike and Martin go to meet with Rarity. Spike is afraid that Rarity will be mad at him (For what? he hasn’t done anything yet), and Martin reassures him that it will be okay. Rarity pops out of the house and declares that Martin is in fact a prince… Sure, whatever, as long as this story ends quicker.
Rarity starts to fall for him as the two start making out. Also, apparently he is called prince because he was good at the game Portal.
Spike flips out again and punches Martin and with that, Spike just became my new favorite character. We’ll see how long that lasts.
Martin reveals that because he was the prince of Portal on earth, they gave him a portal gun for free. Yeah, bullshit! Are you telling me that our world has the capabilities to travel to other worlds by a dimensional portal gun and they fucking give it to a 15 year old, sex craved, idiot?! Good lord, I am going to need to have a long talk with Al when I’m done here, cause I think I just went stupider by reading that sentence. Also, what the hell happened to the portal that only ponies could enter through?! Did you just change your mind half-way through the story and decided that this would be cooler?! Because you failed! You failed miserably! All hail the king of fails!
And then Martin and Spike have a threesome with Rarity. Oh, great, because the sex scene in the first chapter was so entertaining, I fucking had to see more of that stupid shit! God, there isn’t a plot for this story is there?! Oh and that part about Spike being my favorite character… yeah, that is no longer true.
So anyway, night falls and I think they banged Rarity the entire day… Jesus, wouldn’t that hurt after a while? They make their way to Fluttershy’s house and I think they bang her too, but that’s never clear as this story is still plagued with terrible formatting.
Fluttershy then explains to Angel with… bunny sign language? What the fucking hell?! Do you even watch the show?! Fluttershy is capable of communicating to Angel with her voice! What the hell do you need bunny sign language for?! And for that matter, where the hell would you learn bunny sign language?! Is there an entire culture for deaf rabbits or something?! Also, Angel is apparently a girl in this version, making me wonder what he did watch about the show? Did he just go find some random Youtube videos and decided to make a fan fiction from 3 second videos?
next chapter we will visit fluttershy and angel bunny will be mean probably unless applejack stops by with fruit. my friend helped me again with the editing so thanks dude.
Your editor sucks at his job and so do you. Just so you know.
So they go to Fluttershy’s house (again?) and they start making out. Angel doesn’t like it (and rightfully so) and attacks Martin. Fluttershy then … threatens Angel with a knife? Holy shit, maybe this means that Pinkamena will kill Martin and turn him into cupcakes for everyone!
… It would be more entertaining than reading this shit!
Anyway, Applejack comes over and the four start to have sex together… This is getting so fucking monotonous.
And finally we get to the plot of the story, and it fucking sucks.
when we came back to the library spike was super angry pissed
I think angry or pissed would have worked just fine. I don’t think you needed to have them both there. Also, punctuation marks! Use them!
So apparently Spike is pissed off because he got a letter from Celestia while he was having sex with Fluttershy. (yes, because your sex life is more important that your lives which are in danger as the letter will state!) The letter states that Discord has been freed and is gathering an army to destroy the ponies! (Discord being completely out of character here since he is so powerful, why the fuck does he need an army?!) Also, apparently Celestia says they are screwed… Apparently, you are not only terrible at English, you are terrible at speaking proper altogether. I don’t see a future for you as a writer.
So he starts having sex with Celestia… You know… This is not inspiring confidence in our hero, when you fucking start banging someone when there is an evil force that is coming that is trying to kill you! Oh, wait, “I’m the fucking Mary-Sue of this fucking piece of shit fan fic! I don’t fucking give a fuck!” That is not the mentality you should be having when writing a story! This story is stupid in every aspect of the word!
Twilight gets mad, but Martin makes it all better by… you already know what it is, don’t pretend like you don’t.
He then promises that he will never cheat on Twilight, but will sleep with her friends if they need her. Yeah, I don’t think you know what that word means. And this loyalty you have towards Twilight? Yeah, try that on a real live girl, see how that works.
Martin then makes his resolve that he will stop Discord. Finally, some fucking progression. Let’s see how long it lasts…
So I guess, Martin plans on using the portal gun to defeat Discord… There’s some other stuff here, but frankly I don’t remember it… I’m sure it was difficult as hell to read… I’m sure it made no sense whatsoever… I’m sure it was stupid and sexist in every aspect of the word, but I’m frankly too drunk to remember… God, my head is going to hurt tomorrow… Shit!
So I guess Discord uses some tentacles to rape Twilight (awesome… now we are adding henti to the long list of stupid things this story produces) and Martin flips out. So remember kids “Cheating is good. Rape is bad. And it’s not cheating if your spouse knows you’re doing it.”
So, he defeats Discord. Twilight continues to have sex with him… Blah, blah, blah… The end?
Oh, it’s over if I have anything to say about it. I don’t need silence for this decision!
There are no words to describe how stupid this story is, but I am sure as hell going to try!
The story is lazily thrown together, the plot is completely stupid, moronic and after a while, incredibly boring! The characters are nothing but sex objects and the Mary-Sue is only there to fulfill the author’s pony porn! The descriptions are trash, the dialogue is trash, the spelling and grammar are fucking atrocious and it is fucking unreadable! This review was short because I couldn’t make out half the nonsense on in this piece of shit and the other half I could make out, just made me sick to my stomach!
This is a poor excuse for literature and I am appalled that my eyes even had to witness this! Have a great day guys and I hope you guys were reading something better than what I was.
And this sounds like the MLP version of Ride to Hell: Retribution. If you don't know what that is, it's a video game about bikers................................... And the worst video game ever produced. And yet surprisingly this guy managed to get the concept of sex down better than that game since every time you save a woman from getting raped in that game, they INSTANTLY have sex with you. Fully clothed sex. I only watched a review of it and it literally got a 0 out of 10. This story from what you just described is the equivalent of that. Minus the insanity of trying to shutdown an electric fence by going on a mass killing spree and blowing up a power plant. No seriously they said that was a level. All for a fence.
God, this makes My Immortal look like It's A Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door; at least in My Immortal the sex scenes are so poorly worded that they're fucking hilarious. This? This is just insulting.
And seriously, this guy uses the "I'm 15" defense? I doubt he's reading this comment, but I wrote my first story at 13, and while it was clichéd and filled with Mary Sues it at least had proper grammar and made some lick of sense (and had giant tanks blowing the shit out of aliens, but that's something else entirely)
I won't even try to attack his attempt to ask if we liked his sex scenes. See above for my reasoning for that. Also, I had a much better implied sex scene in one of my side stories than any of his shown sex scenes.
This story sucks. I'll go read something good now
1855524 I couldn't have said it any better myself.
1855383 Wow... just... wow. I think I'm going to be sick...
1856203 I got sick just from watching that review.
1856278 I get the toilet first!
1856202 Also, another thing I forgot to get angry over was the terrible (and not in a good way) pun in his title, and the fact that HE EXPLAINED THE JOKE!
Seriously, that just screams "I'm a bad writer/troll", and it does not make the story look any better. I love puns, but something like this...
1856515 That is a valid point. For once, I agree with the Joker.
This whole story was a mistake.
The grammar? This already sucks.
Portal guns? Already I've lost my mind
Prince because he was good at Portal? ......no words.
Having sex with Twilight? Predictable and stupid. You met her a minute ago!
Having sex with Rarity? Are you kidding me? You've got a marefriend in the first ten minute you're stuck here, which was beyond stupid by the way, and you're already cheating on her?!
Having sex with Fluttershy? Oh are you just pulling my leg? Seriously, predictable move for the most overrated character in MLP. //Flame shield on//
Having sex with Applejack? KILL THE SUE WITH FIRE!
Having sex with Celestia? ....was this writer high when he wrote this?
Defeat Discord with portals? Not sure that is the most effective weapon to use against the God of Chaos. Though Discord would beat the hell out of him.
0/10 ~ Will never read again.