Antagonists Anonymous. · 11:02am Feb 18th, 2014
Boy, this is hard for me to do. I've spent a good deal of time working up to this. Best to get it all out properly.
Ahem.
Hello. My name's Airstream, and I am a supervillainy addict.
It's never easy, finding out about unpleasant truths hiding inside you, and even less so facing them once you realize they're there. But until recently, I had been denying it entirely, and that wasn't helping anyone. Let alone me.
My moment of clarity came this evening, when I was standing in front of a mirror, debating the merits of black over other clothing to inspire fear and working on my evil laugh. This is not a joke. I realized that I had a tendency to monologue when I do something clever, I realized that my various nemeses are invariably more upstanding individuals I am, and I have put serious thought into constructing a villainous alter ego for myself. Something involving a theme.
The first step of solving a problem is admitting you have a problem, so that's what I'm doing. It's just that villainy is so much fun! The death trap designs, the looking up abandoned sites for various lairs and backup lairs, the fantasizing about giant golden statues of yourself, it's just so...liberating.
But I'm also choosing to embrace my inevitable rise as future World Emperor, and stop living in the past. There is no one I'd rather be than me.
My name is Airstream, and I'm gonna be a supervillain someday.
Thanks for listening.
I here by am verbally confirming my allegiance, to our future overlord. Hail.
You ever need a blond haired, blued eyed henchman. Call me.
welp time to raise the flag in our new overlord
It's fine Airstream!
We all have some addiction (excluding the Oxygen one), and at the least you recognize yours.
Well if you need any tips and tricks on being an evil overlord I know a few people. One created a totalitarian police state while trying to be a normal person.
The others well I think they are evil everyone changes sides so often that its hard to tell and actions are made more by what seemed good at the time instead of using logic reason or sanity.
They use !!MAGMA!! as a fixer to everything and members have invaded hell only to be told you haven't invaded hell till you have a summer house there.
While I may be persuaded to your side, I insist on good pay and lieutenant status. I am neither henchman nor minion, the lowest classes of evil servant, after all.
(In all seriousness, I am not surprised. But that's okay. Every good writer has at least a bit of villain in them somewhere...)
You're so cute with your black cape and thin swirly mustache and hot air balloon. I remember when I first became a supervillain.
Welcome to the fold brother.
Where do we apply for Henchman status?
I for one welcome our new pony loving overlord.
Cool, I'm almost looking forward to a future where I can become an unknown freedom fighter rebelling against a machine much larger than I am!
Not only will I get to pew-pew, I won't have need for a job nor pay, seeing as I'd live out of your system.
If only I was so brave.
So if you ever need a henchman or a villainous side kick, give me a call. I cannot promise I will not try to usurp you but what I can promise is a villainous cackle and superb henching abilities.
I hate to have to be the one to tell you; but I'm something of a lawfully good anti-hero; think deadpool with a beak and considerably less skill at comedic timing.
As a result of your newly declared status, it is my duty to inform you that the world council for justice has placed a 2.7 billion dollar bounty on your capture. Dead or Alive.
To what address would you prefer I mail my miniature neutron bomb?
Do you prefer metal or wood for casket?
Would you like to be buried with your henchmen and/or any specific personal effects?
1851576
1. Usual place and time. Someone will sign for it.
2. I prefer bone, but wood will do.
3. Bury me with my collection of death rays and Doom Scepters. Bury the minions somewhere else. Filthy help.
1851659
1. Righto. I prefer courier, so make sure they sign their name in full, and no screwups.
2. I can do bone, as long as you don't mind the bones of other villains mixed with miscellaneous bones of my last few meals.
3. Will do; better to have those hidden away anyhow. I sympathize with the minion issues; sidekicks are just as bad these days. I mean, have you seen Robin lately?
1851826
Don't even get me started on Jason Todd.
1851836
So with all that settled, I assume you'll want me to forward all this to the council so they can select a minor side-hero to face you at your usual triumphant resurrection and die horribly to prove the level of your villainy to the audience?
We have to solidify these things early. The UN are a bunch of pricks, and they have this up-tight sissy thing where if it isn't on the calendar a month ahead of time, no one will show up. After the minor hero dies, they're supposed to make a big speech on ZNN to calm the world population, you're supposed to bust in with a freeze-ray, yadda yadda...
1851840
Sure. If anyone has a sidekick they don't really want anymore, I'll take care of it, so long as they promise to grieve long enough for me to get a safe distance away.
Also, policies on space bases?
I can be that pet cat evil villains have. I just want free food and being petted.
Especially being petted.
Because being petted feels guuuuuuud.
/purr