I Have No Idea What I'm Doing · 10:39am Feb 4th, 2014
Something a lot of you might not know about me is that I'm sick.
Depression. That kind of sickness.
If you follow my blog, you may have noticed recently I've had some bad times. I come here because I have just enough anonymity to keep to myself, but I'm still connected to enough to feel part of the community. So, I'm coming to you now after something.
I'll take it from the top. Since July of last year, despite graduating university, my life has fallen apart. My first GF left me for one of my best friends, shortly after which my Mother told me that she had the right to make herself happy anyway she wanted, and had done nothing wrong. Later that week, I lost my job.
I had my 21st birthday on the 15 of November. I had pushed back the party date so that it was right after exam block. You should be ready to part. But no one came. I had spent 100s on booze, cake, pizza, etc.
Ever since then, people I thought were my friends just kind of... stopped talking to me.
Whenever I go into public places, I feel more alone than ever.
I haven't found work, no matter where I go or what I do.
The only recommendation I've gotten is to just keep writing, but lately, my body has been shutting down on me, like the energy is just zapped out of my body. I'm tired before I even get to go to the gym.
Everyday feels more and more pointless. I feel like an horrible person. Like, if I was a decent human being, I'd have a job, love, etc. But instead, I'm abandoned and left alone and suffering.
I'm not really sure what I'm asking for with this. I just... I don't know. Maybe someone can give me some guidance I haven't been able to find elsewhere.
P.S.
Only Human will be back this week.
Well, depression takes so many forms that even comfort and support from those of us who suffer likewise can give little help.
The best that can be said is "It gets better."
Also,
1794883
Didn't HE just kill himself?
"Technically" it isn't wrong your ex broke up with you to go with your (I assume) former best friend, but did they even tell you before hand? Stuff like that IS messed up either way.
And have YOU tried to talk to any of these friends you've talked to before? Sometimes people get held up, or just forget to talk to their friends on their own. I thought some of my friends were avoiding me before, but it turns out they were just busy or didnt think we needed to talk all the time because...well friends should be friends no matter what. Did you ever find out why those people never showed up to your party? There's always a reason, bad or good.
One last thing DOES bother me here:
Let me be the one to say, by your definition, I'm a horrible person too. Which is wrong.
You do not need those things to be a good person.
A horrible person implies you've done truly awful things and you deserve your misfortune. But by the sounds of it, you're just having some really bad luck and times. I've been there.
But not once did I ever think I was horrible. I know I'm a good person. I still care for people, I help when I can, and just generally be nice to everyone when I can. I'm still not treated the best, but sometimes you do just have to ignore it and push forward.
I'm sure you've already heard, "It'll get better" and I've heard it just as much. But there is some truth in it. Do what you love to do for awhile. Play games. Watch your favorite or new movies. Write. Something that brings you joy. Nothing brings you joy? Do something new. You'll be surprised what something new can do for you.
If you haven't found someone yet, talk to someone. Anyone really. A doctor, teacher, hell maybe even a complete stranger. There have been days where all I've needed is a good long talk.
Stay strong dude.
1794906
Tragically, yes.
Smoky, you are an incredibly talented literary artist. You've made me feel a full spectrum of emotions through the words that you write here, and I cannot emphasize how much that means to me. A little self-glorification is perfectly okay here--you deserve it.
Now take a look at your followers list.
Every single one of those people have read your work, and felt something because of it. Even though you may not feel like it now, you are a wonderful asset to the human race, and I consider you to be a good friend, despite us being separated by thousands upon thousands of miles of ocean.
From the sound of it, you have done nothing to deserve your misfortune. You are a very good person. Very good. As I've come to learn, the worst things happen to the best of people.
If you need someone to talk to, you have an entire community of complete strangers who will listen to anything you have to say, myself included.
The loneliest people are the kindest.
The saddest people smile the brightest.
The most damaged people are the wisest.
All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way that they do.
You're playing for the right team, mate.
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/097/7/8/once_ler___pinkie_pie_by_technaro-d4vay9f.gif
Wil Wheaton's blog at [url]wilwheaton.net[/url] has some great posts on depression that might help you feel better.
I've been depressed. I'm sorry - it sucks. I realize I'm just some random person on the internet, but if you want to chat it, or anything really (ok - almost anything
), feel free to PM me. Seriously.
I don't know if any of this is helpful, but here are some things that helped me when I was depressed:
* exercise - morning is best, both in terms of motivation and the benefit of increased mood later in the day.
* sunlight. Also ideally in the morning. Don't stare directly at it, but sitting facing the sun helps. It should be slightly uncomfortable.
* therapy. I felt better after doing to the doctor, just knowing that I had done something to start addressing my depression.
* medication. Maybe it's not for everyone, but I think it helps.
I found it difficult to be creative when I was depressed. I'm a software engineer, and my productivity suffered. Motivation was really hard - but if I was able to get over the initial hump, accomplishing something generally helped. So if you can write, it seems like that would help.
Also, in terms of writing, Only Human is one of my favorite stories on the site. The characters are interesting, and it's a very clever twist on the Lyra/humans idea.
Oh, and personally I find it hard to be depressed while listening to this song, but that might not work for everyone.