Ranting

So I just heard about another faked suicide, and that got me to thinking about things. I mean, the guy who faked it was adamantly NOT going to apologize for the distress he caused, saying he's in so much pain and he deals with so much... basically, it would up being a bragging contest with the winner being whoever has dealt with more shit.

Now, none of you know this about me and I'm none too proud of it, but I feel like I should share this with you.

I've made two or three half-hearted attempts at suicide that were really more cries for help, debated faking it to my friends online, and years later, finally made a very serious attempt that put me in a mental institution for nearly fourteen days (which isn't long compared to some stays, but it was long for the unit I was in).

I've also been on the other end of the stick, having a friend of mine fake a suicide. It was two different occasions, two different times.

The first time was from my best friend at the time, and even though our friendship will never be the same, she apologized for causing so much worry and we are still friends, just not as close.

The second was from I guy I knew for about a week or two, because he was basically bored and wanted some attention. He was leaving the part of the brony community over where we were and he wanted to go out with a bang, so he faked a suicide attempt and I, thinking him to be serious, called the police. He later explained that he doesn't view himself as human and he doesn't think the majority of females to be as intelligent as the rest of the population, thus we are his playthings. Bastard. I still flinch every time I read his name. He has no regrets, and seeing as I myself am starting to believe he's not human (though he's not the superior being he thinks he is), I don't think he ever will. Had he given a truthful apology, I wouldn't hold anything against him.

They put me through the same emotional turmoil, but went about the aftermath in different manners. It's the aftermath that counts sometimes, since once they've done whatever they've chosen, they can't change it. They can stick with their decision or apologize and try to make things right, though neither of those is reliable in absolutely every situation. For example, apologizing for expression your opinion calmly isn't as respectable as sticking with what you originally said. Apologizing if your opinion was unwarranted, yes, but if it was relevant and you're not an ass, why be sorry?

I'm getting off topic.

Suicide and the feelings that cause it are the result of having more emotional burdens than coping devices. How big a burden a situation can be and how well coping devices work vary from person to person, so things that might make me want to kill myself could be things that you would shoulder with ease, but I'm not you, so I don't know. Just because your life "sucks" does not give you the right to pretend to have done such an act that would break hearts, because you obviously have people who care enough to help.

Funny, though. I can make a blog asking for someone, anyone, to listen to me and help me and get a few replies at best. If one was made saying I'd committed suicide, it would be swamped from posts from strangers pretending to know me or care, and while some may be genuine, I don't doubt that there would be people doing it just to get a pat on the back, so to speak.

But it's too late. I'm slipping, fading. I tried to keep a hold on bonds that I thought would tie me down to here, no matter how little coping skills I have at my disposal, because...that's what a good friend does. I wouldn't leave you all without trying to make things work first.

But... I told everyone what the main problem was. I wasn't shy in letting my voice be heard, for once. Yeah, you all said you were sorry. And you kept saying it. For days, weeks, maybe longer. I don't know. I've lost track.

I've begged, pleaded, and lost sleep over it and not a single one of you... not one cares to try to fix things.

I might act like the mom in the group, but I'm still little more than a kid. And even then, you can't... you can't leave all this up to me. If you want to stay friends, you hhave to help.

Or is it... that none of you want to stay friends?

I feel...distant, like I'm just sitting in my head and watching my body type this of its own accord, but I know that's not true, because it's still typing what I'm thinking and deleting what I think looks absurd. Maybe I'm just too tired. G'night. I'll try to be here tomorrow, but I've got some pretty big plans, so I dunno.