Rage review: jokers wild · 10:08am Jan 14th, 2014
Rage Review by Novablast, the story in question is Jokers wild, a story written by Blowngasket
Now to get this started. This, is jokers wild.
So we start out on a balcony, as good a place as any to start. Maybe well get lucky and the main character will drop off and die in stead of me having to continue.
Spoiler, this story is 80k words long, so that isn't gonna happen.
Apparently our main character wears a mask, and enjoys talking with air, because that's what he does at the start. I'm deadly serious.
"The wind blows from across the beautiful and lush green landscapes, Celestia's sun only adding to the radiance. I can see the city full of hustle and bustle, folks walking around enjoying their day here, and yet I am sad." The voice comes from an odd sort of man, talking only to himself while looking out from atop a balcony on the beautiful castle. To those that knew this man well, it generally came as no surprise, since occasionally he would do it in the presence of others.
Who says that? Really, who says that? I guess its a way of introducing the character, but this is a bit of a curb stomp right off the beginning. But never mind, we need exposition.
"Why oh why does the princesses believe that I, Perry O'te, beloved jester of the royal court, need to take some time off? I am full of life, energy, and vigor. One such as me does not need rest!" He exclaimed loudly to what he thought was absolutely no one. Though he may have believed that he was simply speaking to the wind, another one's ear caught his words, a head poking itself down from the balcony above. This person's head donned a shining gold crown, a symbol of her strength and power, over her long flowing multicolored hair. This icon of power also had a beautiful face, though it currently showed a combination of concern and frustration.
....... You do not need rest, wow this guy must drink a lot of coffee.
Also, notice this.
Though he may have believed that he was simply speaking to the wind, another one's ear caught his words, a head poking itself down from the balcony above. This person's head donned a shining gold crown, a symbol of her strength and power
Since when has Celestia's crown been a symbol of her strength. A crowns not a symbol of strength, it's a symbol of fucking heritage, or that you've murdered someone for it.
"Perry, I honestly haven't the slightest why you haven't realized I can hear you EVERYTIME you decide to monologue your thoughts." She spoke, a hint of annoyance in her voice. "Seriously, you need some time away to relax, and enjoy yourself." Her next action would have been deemed crazy, possibly suicidal had she not had those graceful wings to keep her afloat as she jumped off the upper balcony towards him. She donned a regal dress made for both looks and comfort, shimmering with a mixture of pale yet noticeable colors over a white backdrop, flowing well past her legs. Perry backed himself up giving her room to land, as he was definitely no stranger to this royal princess.
Exposition, exposition, exposition.....
Wait, why is Celestia wearing a dress? She normally wears dresses at special events, not in her daily life, as do all ponies who aren't part of the canterlot nobles.
*glances at cover art*
This is seriously gonna hurt
Now, nothing really happens for a while, so let's skip to chapter 2 (sorry, but this is a long story if I'm gonna nitpick everything)
Twilight's day could have been completely normal today. She could have spent the good part of the day in the library, straightening up the shelves with Spike, getting picky about the setup, undoing all of their hard work, and redoing it. Finally, she would settle down with a relaxing outing with her friends. That was supposed to be the plan, minus the re-rearranging. But let's face it. That would have most likely happened anyway. Instead, as she was about to start the day, a nice looking roll of parchment popped into existence. The parchmentl was a letter bearing Celestia's royal seal. She quickly dropped what she was doing, quite literally, as a few books hit the desk with a thud, nearly spilling the contents of the cup next to them. Taking a seat at her desk, she quickly undid the seal and started to open the scroll.
Ahh, Twilight receiving a letter, no story or chapter has started THAT way before
"I wonder what she needs from me this early on in the day?" Taking a sip of the black liquid from inside the cup, the lavender haired girl began to ponder. "I hope everything is alright. What if something happened! Oh no! What will I do!?" Twilight began to panic at the many different cataclysmic scenarios playing in her head. They ranged from rampant space rocks to ancient super monsters arising from their millennial slumber to wreak havoc on the entire population of Equestria.
L-lavender h-h-haired g-g-girl YAAAAAAAAAHHH
*currently going to get myself a cup of herbal tea*
Okay, I feel good now.
Okay, let's skip the bullshit and get to the mane six meeting, *sigh* Perry.
"That voice...I recognize that voice anywhere!" He quickly ran towards the speaker. "TWILIGHT!" He picked her up quickly and gave her a huge hug. "I haven't seen you in some time! So this is where you were staying. It's quite...Twilight?" He looked over, her eye twitching as she started to chant.
"Dark clouds send forth your emissary, show judgment to those deemed unworthy..." A cloud started to form over the two of them getting darker with each hard spoken word.
Is this going were I think it's going?
"Twilight...come on...that's not necessary...please?" Perry begged.
"Lightning!" A bolt shot out of the cloud and into Perry causing him to jolt about in a most uncomfortable way. Even though she was connected by his grasp, Twilight seemed completely unaffected by it. Perry let Twilight go slowly as he started to talk.
No, no no no no. This isn't mlp anymore, this is someone's bad avatar fanfic.
Seriously, nothing seems like mlp, that's why this story, gets a ?/10
The story is confusing and weird, allow me to list some of the other things that comes up in this mess.
Psyche, fluttershy loves perry.
Psyche, perry is a psychotic murderer.
Psyche, perry loves fluttershy.
Psyche, perry is an assassin.
Psyche, perry is part of an assassination crew.
Psyche, perry is the son or descendant of sombra (no, really)
The end.
The story I a convoluted mess of ideas an plot points that ultimately leads up to a whole bunch of boring and tideousness. The idea of a court jester (oh yeah btw he's a court jester) needing to take a vacation and therefore learning that making a fool of himself isn't his only strength is wasted on a madman who's an assassin who's a son of a dark lord. And the humanization of everything is the rotten cherry on the dogturd cake.
I'm Novablast, and none of you are gonna change that
See you all next time
Please note, this story isn't bad, not by any means. But it could've been better, a lot better.
In fact, I encourage you to go read it, because the first ten chapters, overlooking the humanization, are actually decent.
Now, time to pour bleach onto my exposed eyeballs.
