Covalence. · 1:08am Jan 10th, 2014
It's so funny that this is the only place which I feel the need to confess problems with myself that I keep secret to my own closest circle of friends, for the most part. Though the feeling of keeping it secret is starting to wane as each day passes on. I guess when you have little to hide, you don't fear the truth.
I've been going to a therapist for the problems I've been having my whole life, and finding the sessions to be rather liberating and enlightening. See, here's a sort of enigma, a sort of paradox which comes from some upbringing: You don't know what's wrong. If you are raised to feel worthless, you will think it's a normal thing. It's not always the parent's fault, as they don't always realize what their actions are doing to the child.
So, this is what I learned. I had little to no self worth. My writings were the last few vestiges of my creativity kicking a deadened soul to expand as it is meant to do, as we are all meant to do. But I may have hinged too much of myself in the reactions people had in it, which is one reason I always felt anxiety whenever thinking about my past writing, and how hard it was for me to go back and do some edits to improve it. Rather than use some personal motivation, I needed someone else to Kick me in the right direction and be kind of a guiding principle (Thank you so much, key that was lost).
Although I'm still not completely better, and writing still causes some anxiety and conflict within me, I feel things have vastly improved since my first foray into the fanfiction scape.
Let me tell you guys a little thing about PTSD. You're always on edge, just in varying degrees. I've felt the difference between being stress free and having anxiety, and found that I had a near constant force of stress applying to my daily life. My muscles are tensed, and I am left with a feeling of discomfort and a need to escape the current situation, which explains the year where I made constant runs to the sparse wilderness behind my house to hike. It was an escape.
If my memory serves correctly, I had this stress and anxiety since 7th grade, maybe even before. I was only 13 or 14 at the time. Seems the coupled stress of school and the least than ideal living condition with my family lead to some rather steep mental and emotional ramifications that halted my potential. I didn't do well in school, see. Homework was so hard for me to complete, which was something else I used as evidence for my worthlessness. But upon a revelation provided by my psychiatrist, I'm actually not a stupid person XD
My talents in vocabulary, analysis, and just general intelligence should have spelled a success in schooling. It wasn't that I was a worthless kid who couldn't do his homework like everyone else, I had disorders that were getting worse and worse. I know that some people use this as an excuse for their shortcomings, but I do believe it, I kind of have to believe it to retain my current sanity...
I'm kinda sick.
Not to mention this all lead to a scary life of subtle self destruction.
The reason I'm telling you this? Because I believe I still owe a good explanation for my lack of writing. I've not taken up the pen to expand on my current projects. I'm still not better, as evidenced by my trembling hand that seems to increase in severity of the anxiety, and obvious symptom of PTSD. Writing before felt like a battle, as every word increased my stress and made it harder for me to fight my demons and sit at the desk, and then type. Fighting myself to create, as I wanted so badly to do. I hope for the day where I'm able to write, to create, without that mental block slowing me nor preventing me from giving you all the best that I can give...
The Drive to Home. That's what I'll call it...
For those who took their precious time to read what I have wrought, I appreciate you. For those who have taken their precious time to write to me and tell me their thoughts, I love you. You've been a step in my recovery. Thank you so much. I hope to have more for you all soon without all these emotional hangups behind it. I'm better, but I'm not well just yet. Thank you.
Take the time you need, continue getting help, and remember you always have friends backing you in whatever decisions you make. Myself included.
Don't feel like you need to rush things. Self worth can be a fragile thing, sometimes taking years to build, and able to be demolished in a moment.
If doing what you are doing is helping, then keep it up. We are here cheering you on. 
1701144 Takes just as long to find it when you've been trained through your young life to not have it. Thank you for the kind words, Kolwynia.