Ugh, why does Youtube keep doing this?"I hate being called a narcissist". -- Quasi rant, quasi ramble, semi observation, completely irrelivent to everything. · 2:41pm Dec 22nd, 2013
I believe I stated before how I feel about this sort of thing, I don't really expect anyone to read these--really, most of my blogs are unread by most of my followers, really--it just makes me feel awkward if I write it somewhere hidden.
... Also, they are generally the product of compulsion, or less destructive release of aggression, rather then... I'm not sure what the alternative is, those are basically my two things.
Anyway, irrelevant blog is irrelevant. Though, I know a couple of you at least, like reading these for some reason. Likely because you get bored or entertained easily, possibly both.
I have an odd abusive family situation, due to the reason that it involved no malice, just fantasies. To put it simply, someone wanted something, ignored and forgot things that contradicted with that, and convinced themselves they were a good person while being completely unaware of their actions. Not that I'm complaining, it means that from a very young age, I learned to question the nature of perspective.
People often bring up reality like it's relevant. However, it effectually isn't. Only perspective is. It's like having a lucid dream, you see a door, you can touch the door, and interact with it. Therefor it is assumed the door is real.
... Then you wake up and realize it wasn't. But for the duration of the dream, was the reality of the situation relevant? If someone gets hurt from a misunderstanding, does the fact the variables aren't what they think they are change things? Not really. If a person falls in a one-sided love and gets betrayed, their perception of events will likely far differ from the 'objective' reality of it. But that doesn't matter, whether reality matches or not, as long as working off of your perception 'works', it's all that matters. People have the arrogance to say things are impossible because it's not 'realistic', however, quiz them on quantum physics, on up-to-date technology, and their knowledge starts to be found lacking. Not that it nessecarily matters. "It was photo-shopped", "You were lied to", "It's a con", "It's impossible. You must of misunderstood what you saw." Virtually nothing is truly known about reality, including what it is and how to adequately define it. All we have as a species, is observations, and the inherit flaw of being highly disadvantaged at understanding what we can't or choose not to perceive. Everyone does it. Miss-communications, overlapping, yet different perceptions. People see things no one else notice, and are blind to what those around them see plain as day.
When I was younger, it consumed me to a frenzy that I, like everyone else would have to deal with that fault. Knowing that my perceptions mean effectively nothing. Ironically, I was called insane for seeing what other people didn't, for not seeing what other people did. Despite the fact everyone else did the same thing. At no point in my life, was I, or am I able to look at something and go, "This is real", "This is how reality works", or "I know". I observe, I notice patterns in what people can see, and what they can't. In what I can, and can not perceive, how I perceive things. People call me an idiot for talking about the occult. "Magic only exists in fairy-tales", and all that. But was superstition not always just a way to try and grasp the abstract beyond what could be understood with current knowledge and perspective? When people say that society has got it down to a dime how reality works, that there's no room for magic, I can never help but consider how many times it's been said in the past only for the entire accepted understanding of effective reality to flip over. I've known elderly who were alive for events such as WWII. People who look at modern technology and can not even begin to fathom the nature of it. How it could of come from the same world they grew up in. Of course... I suppose I never really brought up I was a magicians apprentice as a child. Stage magic, or more specifically, the art of illusion, sleight of hand, was my early outlet for experimenting with perception. After all, there is always gaps in perception, things you can never understand or observe. The trick to it, is of course, to learn how to manipulate and utilize without observing. Though I'm getting off topic of... myself.
I am obsessed, fascinated and passionate about the abstract, to such a point it damaged my mind and body. Maintaining a constant identity is an incredible difficulty, I can't feel physical pain or pleasure. I can't taste, or smell. I'm half blind, quarter crippled, and completely mentally unstable. I also don't mind, because I don't think about myself much. My most pressing issue, is the inability to make anything simple. An apple? Is it an apple? Am I dreaming? Are apples real, or just a concept? What is truly known? Granny Smith apples have tragic origin, unless they don't. Is this symbolic? Is there countless micro-universes contained within it, or merely energy that forms the inverted form of what I see? Am I hallucinating? I do not know.
Meanwhile, an average man sees an apple and identifies it as such. It's an apple, it's real. All that is required, is the reality of perception nothing past that exists or is relevant. What is right or wrong? What is perceived to be as such, if one contradicts one is wrong, unless they are perceived to not be.
The average person has the extreme levels of confidence, of pride, to insist upon reality being whatever they demand it to be. Though of course, if something contradicts so spectacularly that they have no choice but to acknowledge it, great amounts of anger, or sense of injustice is usually felt. The feeling of being powerless or wrong, is a contrasting horror that can be taken to so poorly, it breaks their mind.
And yet, by my neurologist, by my peers, doctors, and teachers, I am frequently considered narcissistic, to have a heavily bloated ego, despite the fact I never consider myself correct, I never assume my observations to be accurate, I wandered, crippled in a metaphorical ocean of information until I was thrown into the Asylum. I draw conclusions for the sake of having enough direction to remain sane, at which point, the conclusions I have are disbanded, and information is re-analyzed. I have virtually no sense of self, outside of a few characteristics and instincts I call my cognitive mind.
I do... well at deception, manipulation, pattern recognition, and behavior prediction. Or at least, that's what I say. Since I found it's highly inconvenient to answer everything with, "I have no idea but if you consider these variables, there's a chance of this potentially being what is real, assuming we bias against concepts X, Y, and Z, for example."I tend to just do my best to blend in, after all, in this age, the concept of insanity is just the inability to blend in with society. Even if the symptoms are the same, if you can be part of society, you're perfectly fine... Which now that I think of it, is kind of lonely. But, it's not like I mind at this point.
In any case, I'm totally awesome at everything, and am humble about it! Which makes me the exact opposite of a narcissist, who needs to perceive themselves as being superior and awesome. I will accept and question anything I perceive, for that is my nature. I do not work towards a conclusion I already have in my head, or at least, I actively try not to. I just observe and quietly giggle in fascination at the complexity of it all.
... I just listen to what people tell me I am like, within the context of their own perceived realities.
Which is of course, how I know I'm kind of an asshole.
Back to working on Dash!, random rambling complaints be over.
I have never thought of you as being a narcissist.
Also, I myself think you are one of the more interesting people I have met in my life.
As far as why I read these, I do so because I enjoy learning about you, odd as that might sound to some. Before I became the social person most people know me as today, I was an outcast. I was an observer. I had little ro no social contact, so everything I learned about the people and things around me I had to glean from what I observed.
Though I am no longer socially invisible as I once was, I still have some of my old habits.
So, yeah. I just enjoy learning about people, and even more so you, because of your unique way of looking at things.
1635929
There's lots of people like me, I imagine most of them aren't in the fandom however.
I snickered.
1636060
"Some people just goin' to stand around and tell you how it is."
~Cosmic's dad.
This blog has helped me understand that phrase a little bit more. I understood what he meant before, but now with the added lesson of this blog I may fully "get it."
As usual, a healthy reminder to not take everything for what it is but to take what you can from it.
Thanks!
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There's a reason I said I was the same as everyone else, just less liable to say I was correct about things.
Though that said, my issue with my sense of self is that while I acknowledge what people say about me, I don't actually feel any attachment to any personality trait or line of behavior.