The Immortal Game: Chapter 1 (Part 1)

Ooh, off to a good start. I'm digging the imagery here. Celestia enjoying a graceful sunset dive, then popping through the clouds into the middle of a battle? Love it. Very cinematic.

"earthponies"... please let that be a typo.

Ah, violence and death. Yes, it's a grimdark. It had better be REALLY good then, I normally like my pony stories death-free.

"Zenith"... she named her sword after an old electronics company.
Also yeah, the sword has a name. That means I'm going to be seeing an awful lot of it in this story, aren't I? *sigh*

"earthpony", there it is again.
That's going to be a problem. Not a big problem, but a problem nonetheless.

Sheesh, the people who suggested I read this didn't warn me how violent it actually is. I kinda wish the grimdark tag had a severity level or something attached. I know I shouldn't really be griping because it's grimdark and that's the genre, but I'll gripe anyway.

Celestia just brutally murdered at least 8 ponies. I know there's a war on, and I'm sure the story will try to justify it later, but I dunno, that just strikes me as VERY out of character.

Lieutenant Coruscare, eh? I looked that up. Coruscare is Latin for "Sparkle", I wonder what her first name is...
Astor, ok. Astor is .... well, not a Latin word in itself I don't think. It's kinda close to Astrum, the Latin word for "star".
Ok AestheticB, you didn't actually cheat and just translate Twilight's name into Latin for your OC.
Still gonna call her "Star Sparkle" though.
And if I see a "Pinkius Piecus," you're officially on notice.
Also, "most powerful unicorn alive"? Typical OC stuff, man.

Oh joy, the Royal Canterlot Voice. It's fine for now but please promise me you won't abuse it, AB.

"The pegasus destroyed an entire air contingent by herself." I wonder if we're going to meet that pegasus.
I wonder if her name will be "Iris Emicare".

"but the unicorn was her favorite; she was smarter and stronger than any other commander in her army by an order of magnitude." It's ok, I think she's the author's favorite too, Celestia.

"We shalt retake the ridge" nope, nope, stop. "Shalt" is second person. it's "We shall retake the ridge." This is what I was worried about with the Royal Canterlot Voice!
"I shalt" STOP! What did I just tell you, AB!?
This is going to be a problem, isn't it.

"It's Luna!" ooh dis just got good

"Take the ridge." You forgot a "Taketh" there, AB. If you're going to do RCV, you've gotta be consistent. You used it right the first time.

Looks like italics means USING THIS MUCH VOLUME TO ADDRESS YOUR SUBJECTS. Good to know.

Set a unicorn on fire. Celestia, you're loving this, aren't you, you little psychopath.

Ew, ugh, no wonder they were so scared of Luna. I REALLY hope this fic gets less bloody as it goes on.

Nadir. Of course Luna's sword's name would be the antonym of Celestia's.

Magical radiation from the... oh geez they're having a lightsaber battle. Why didn't you just say so, AB? I like lightsabers!

Oh, Celestia just burns away the bats. Good job Celestia, you couldn't do that BEFORE they killed your soldiers?

Yup, see, now that we're in the present day, the story is trying to justify why Celestia was being a monster. Yeah, ok, I'll go with it.

"Examining the memory had been necessary, she had decided. She would need to look at others from the same time period." I'm cool if you do that offscreen, Celestia. Just give me a quick summary, that'll be good enough.
I'll bet we'll get them all in detail though. After all, gotta hear more about Star Sparkle, right?

And I think I'm going to call it a night here. Dang, I barely made a dent in the first chapter, and this thing is longer than Past Sins. This could take a while.