Tear Stained Pillow · 5:11am Oct 1st, 2013

I look down at my pillow with the tear stains. I see the little puddles that have formed on it.......So funny that the little things can look so beautiful. Even when they aren't meaning a good reason. These things I adapt to. breaking my heart is useless. All you do is make a bigger puddle on my pillow. It's like the state I live in. It rains and my tears flow out of my eyes. They have been starting to slow down. I've noticed that much. I don't know what to call it. What do you call it when you can't cry anymore. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I lay my head down and I feel the dampness of the tears I have created with my eyes. I don't care anymore. The alcohol can't help. Rejecting it has made me realize how sad I am when I am awake. How pathetic am I? How fucked up am I? Why is it that I am fucked up at a young age? I don't blame my parents. They didn't grow up with good childhoods either. That's okay. That's something we have similar at least. They don't realize it. I finally looked into their eyes today. My mother gazed at me with confusion. I looked past those eyes and saw confusion is to why I am such a quiet fucker. A quiet pathetic drunk little fucking child. I'll lay my head down into my tear stained pillow. I'm putting up this blog to talk about how fucked up things can be. But please know that I maybe a "quiet pathetic drunk little fucker" but you can blame me. You maybe reading this because of the title. You maybe reading this because simply you want to know how I feel. I mainly put up blogs to show how I feel or answers. Answers or a helping hand. I have updated my avatar because I was tired of looking at that same pony with the gun to her head. I wanted something more beautiful. Something more true. I have put up this blog because I think that my parents don't realize how they are treating me. But if they do take me to a psychiatrist then they'll know. Can anyone predict what would happen when they find out? I need a little preparation is all. that's all. I hope your days ahead of you are many, many smiles and love entering your fragile heart. And a warm hug for you in the morning and night. Have a good day or night and god bless your soul. You have your reason for living in this world. As I have mine. Yours will or may not be different than mine. But hopefully yours is happier than my reason.