• Member Since 1st Apr, 2012
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darf


pony-writer/pornographer looking for work. old stories undeleted. i'm sorry. Patreon here

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  • 50 weeks
    April Fusser's Day

    The Fussiest Fic There Ever Was

    If you're not aware, I am addicted to fussers (big floppa cats). As such, it is imperative (some might say mandatory) that you read this immensely momentous fussfic authored by the amazing IncredibEE. I seriously cannot recommend it enough.

    Happy April Fusser's day <3

    2 comments · 224 views
  • 57 weeks
    Nothing to sell

    I was going to make a post selling my things but then I realized I have nothing functional left to sell. If you want to buy a broken pair of headphones or an acoustic guitar with a broken string or a piano with half the keys missing let me know.

    Also let me know if you'd like to help me make rent this month.

    Read More

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  • 86 weeks
    Darfcon 5

    Hello. Today our landlady had a psychotic episode and locked us out along with most of our things. We are on a public starbucks wifi for the next two hours. If you are able to help us with a place to stay the night or other help somehow please message us. That's all for now. Sorry.

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  • 89 weeks
    L-game

    Thing

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  • 91 weeks
    commissions

    I need 'em. Stipulations:

    - Pre season 4 canon only
    - Mane six preferred
    - No hyper-exaggerated fetishes (keep within the realm of fictional reality)
    - Max 10k
    - $25USD/1K, max 10k

    Message if you're interested. darf out.

    1 comments · 407 views
Jul
24th
2013

You can tell it's going to be good because the review is longer than the story: An analysis of Amit's 'A Description of a Fountain in Canterlot's Gardens' (why don't you just tell us the whole plot right in the title) · 12:12pm Jul 24th, 2013

You can tell it's going to be good because the review is longer than the story: An analysis of Amit's 'A Description of a Fountain in Canterlot's Gardens' (why don't you just tell us the whole plot right in the title EPIC EXPECTATION CIRCUMVENTION AM I RIGHT)
or
i know you were bitching about it Amit inb4 you say everything i wrote is shit get egged

Amit is a figure of questionable acclaim on Fimfiction. if you know who he is, you probably hate him. if you don't, you should probably hate him, if only because his lauding of his stuffed-to-the-brim multilingual douchebaggery and pompous, sarcastic attitude are enough to turn milk sour from five blocks away. if you lean close to your screen, no doubt, you can hear his affected 'I'm too cool to have feelings' callousness leaking through the screen.

in short, stop reading this review because fuck that guy.


Amit's A Description of a Fountain in Canterlot's Gardens: The title is a bit misleading

we can conclude from evidence that Amit apparently knows how to use words, or at least how to insult his word-processor enough to make sentences come out of it. if we're lead to believe anything Amit says about him/her/xirself, he/she/xim may be an asexual bisexual transexual 16/12/10 year old from some sand-scarred country in an unpronounceable land. i'm willing to believe about one third of the previous sentence, though it might just be the slashes. if Amit is really a budding little non-gender-normative scholar with an interest in ponies (he's not) then we should all stand awestruck in face of his decision to bless us with his writing. i will say that after first reading one of his stories and wanting to projectile vomit on him through the internet, i've take several fresh starts, ignored the person behind the words, and actually found some stuff to my liking.

gotta have the obligatory picture also holy shit it's not even a fountain how did you screw that up what a shitcock

'Fountain' (as i'm calling it because fuck typing all that title again) is an exercise in description—or so it claims. Amit hornswoggles us right out of the gate by telling us about this dumb fountain, and then goes on to talk about COMPLETELY UNRELATED THINGS, as though the fountain is representative of a larger whole tied into the construction of the gardens, Canterlot, and even the whole of Equestria. if we're lead to believe his lies, this fountain is the epicenter for Equestrian Royalty's own meta-cognitive crisis, BUT WOULDN'T THAT JUST BE TOO CONVENIENT. it's just a fountain, god, get over yourself.

wow he's talking about made-up dialects for two whole paragraphs how enthralling. i can practically feel my excitement zzzzzzzzzz

also, holy cow, still using indents AND blank lines? in 2013? i thought this was the internet, not... something else. shut up.

the weird thing about playing back and forth between ornamental description and technical terminology is that it's all BORING AS FUCK. the interesting bits come up when Amit cheats (ie. not describing the fountain lol u got trolled) and instead spends his time telling us about the things the fountain represents—or, because Amit believes all other people are retarded, what the fountain LITERALLY SAYS because we're too dumb to infer meaning from allusion or reference if it's not literally written in stone on this stupid fountain.

we also get to have the fountain's meaning neatly compartmentalized into sections, because otherwise we probably wouldn't be able to parse them into narrative slices fuck you Amit. as the description goes on, every paragraph becomes a starting point for a moment in history. it's almost like, in describing the fountain, Amit is detailing layer by layer of its composition, and in doing so, unravelling it in tandem with the notation of its age. as of a thousand years ago, the fountain changed. at the point of this change, we're privy to the genesis of the events that lead to its alteration. the marks are representative. all structure is a representation of its meaning. something something high-concept bullshit. it's really arduous to be satirical about this because we're hitting a deeper point that signals the worth of all physical meaning in life BUT AMIT SURE NEVER WILL TALK ABOUT THAT because meaning is for faggots. take that reverence of the beauty of life's construction and get out of here.

as we go further down the rabbit-hole of this imaginary fountain, however, we start to get into what i like to call 'full-blown Amit shitfuck territory', aka 'James Joyce did it first', aka 'you'd better have google translate open in another tab'. for the record, i think unapologetic translations are always a double-edged sword: modern poetry seems to favour them for reasons of a perceived earnest authenticity, bearing the reality of the things we care about to the world without making exception for them—if this is a trend propagated by Ondaatje, i'll burn my copy of Handwriting—but for those of us not directly emulating Joyce's unabashed use of latin because fuck you, it's a bit jarring to have a completely unexplained localism inserted into the text. it's all well and good if you run to the comments to have Amit enlighten you with his knowledge, but for the majority of his uncultured, uneducated readers, without the benefit of his superior reasoning, we have no idea what words like 'Hajj', 'Otteroin', or 'the' mean. i'm trying to read a story, not learn how to speak spanish or whateverthefuck language that is, gawd. you're lucky your made-up words are convincing enough to sound vaguely properly foreign, or i'd have added several angry emoticons to my original comment.

luckily, for all readers too simple to be engaged by Amit's reliance on vocabulary and vagueries, he breaks it down to simple sentences for us at the end. he tells us some simple things about the fountain, like how the guards tell its story to ponies who don't have the time to learn it for themselves, and how the components of the architecture can be summarized the same way that these sentences are reduced in complexity and emulative of the intended minimalism of the piece as it began and then spiralled into overblown verbosity almost like it's some kind of meta-textual allusion to the story itself but it probably isn't.

anyway, if you just read this you could have read Amit's story. i wouldn't recommend it, but you might spend a few minutes jerking off to pony-porn later, and in the time that takes you probably could have read this story twice. so, in that regard, it might be worth your while.

something something edgy quote. JUST LIEK DA PROS DO

this has been an analysis (not really) of Amit's 'A Description of a Fountain in Canterlot's Gardens'. feel free to leave irate comments about how unfunny i am below. kekekekekekekeke

edit: to the guy who just unfollowed me
FUCK YOU
I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT
I'M TAKING THIS ACT ON THE ROAD
YOU'LL BE KISSING MY ASS WHEN I'M ON TOSH.0
#DUNKED

Report darf · 2,370 views ·
Comments ( 51 )

Uh, okay... In all seriousness should I read it?

zel

Hey, it is very advanced form of writing that we cannot comprehend with our tiny brainpower.

Also I guess it is a reference to some old writings that only fanboys appreciators of legacy works will understand

blahblahblah


(You guys have weird way of expressing love to each other)

Words? Words, word? :rainbowhuh:

I think you broke Dashie!
Everypony SMILE instead! :pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by Ew No Hooves deleted Jul 24th, 2013

I love both of you, so there.
Ah'm so proud :ajsmug::heart:

This is so legit.

I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with Amit. I've only read two of his pieces, this included, and I've loved both.

But he's Amit.

That said, I liked this particular piece substantially more than I expected. There are one or two particularly good turns of phrase here, and it reminds me a bit of the late Iain Banks. And I probably never would have seen it without this blog, so thank you.

I came, unf, strangestboner.jpg, etc, etc, etc

What do you mean this wasn't porn? Don't tell me what I'm allowed or not allowed to masturbate to.

edit: to the guy who just unfollowed me
FUCK YOU
I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT
I'M TAKING THIS ACT ON THE ROAD
YOU'LL BE KISSING MY ASS WHEN I'M ON TOSH.0
#DUNKED

Yes! Yes! Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the #yolo flow through you.

No. You are not allowed to use #Dunked. You are no Dunk Master. Now apologies before the great Master Yi pulls out the Wuju and shows you what it means to be Dunked!






Sorry, just couldn't help myself. As for your rant... Meh. Can't say I've read anything from him, or that I care either way.

Edit: I actually gave his collection a look over after posting this. I can't say that I care to read anything in it. I've not been here long enough to either know or care about the writer personally though.

Yeah, I don't know who this guy is and I don't think I want to know.
So... yeah.

Okay so why is that every time that I read something Darf has written such as this overly complexed rant (still loved), that my vocabulary expands even further? I love it! Btw the term is #JamesGotDunkedOn :|

I simply feel, because it was an attempt at turning art to words, it probably should have revolved more around the actual fountain! I found that, a portion of the story in, I still didn't know much visionary of the fountain and became distracted by the princesses' thoughts of it as wells as most tourists' views! Plus, it was terribly short, so I Favorited and up-Thumbed it before Following Amit! No comment for him because of the aforementioned faults!

More reason to love you?

More reason to love you. :pinkiehappy:

So: Apparently this is what happens when you try to write an ironic love letter to an author you like, except the irony that you are slinging satirical insults to express affection is insufficiently clever, so you turn meta-ironic by being actually insulting, but once a baseline for meta-irony is established you know that your target is clever enough to appreciate meta-metairony so you throw that in as a compliment to their intelligence, and suddenly you're into inductive irony layering because if you can infer understanding of n-meta irony then you are obligated to acknowledge that by moving to n+1-meta irony and suddenly you've got fractal irony and the whites of the page are separating out into Moire rainbows and what did you expect, it's Amit.

Yeah. I'll … just be over there.

Does... does this mean you hate Amit more than you hate me? :applecry:

I've read some weird shit of yours (the non-porn, of course), and this ranks right up there with the rest.

I know this is some sort of joke, but seriously, fuck Amit. :ajbemused:
Dude's a douchenozzle.

1232513
> I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with Amit. I've only read two of his pieces, this included, and I've loved both.
> But he's Amit.

QFT.

1233144
bro
what the heck bro

the thing about Amit is, he's the internet
the perfect embodiment of why the earnesty of human emotion is depleted and why we all have to pretend to have thick skin and no real feelings
he also knows a lot of fancy shit
and wants to make you know he knows

i don't like any of that
but
he wrote some good stories
and if you just remember to laugh after reading everything he writes
he's pretty okay

let the hat flow through you

"Oh it's just a blog post, yeah I can read this at work no problem"

God damnit man fuck you I had to stop myself like eight times from laughing like a doped up hyena.

But I seem to recall something about something something ironic something is still something

I'm in tears I can't stop laughing

1233171
I will admit to enjoying one or two of his stories, and I don't dislike him as an author all that much.
I just dislike him as a person. :twilightsmile:

let the hat flow through you

Yes, master.
stopsellingvanillaicecream.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Hat.png

I'm too happy to think of something mean to say, so I'll foil your attempts at characterising me by being sincere. :twilightsmile:

1233171
That was the best analysis of my character I've ever read. No homo. :pinkiehappy:

1233263>>1233265 I'm totally shipping you two now.

also if you want to see my real deep emotions you could just add me on steam
1233304
darf walked into the room, and upon opening his mouth he fell over a heap of commas because archonix uses too many commas in his dialogue.

Not very romantic. :twilightoops:

1232913
Blame fimfiction's minimum word guidelines.

1233179
Shitposting. Ironic shitposting is still shitposting.

1233250
lol say that to my face fuckin beta fag #ownt #pwnt #rekt :rainbowwild:

1233315
steam is for dorks
i'm on gchat 24/7 though, so if you have a gmail address... we can commence some sultry shipping

1233315
Those fiends! How dare they force you to write more than you are willing! The FimFiction government is falling to pieces, what with all these writing rules! Pfft, naw, I ain't serious, but A Description of a Fountain in Canterlot's Gardens is pretty good, aside from the plot's need to swerve because of word count! Good job, sir!

1233315 I don't know, what you're talking, about!

1233319 1233341 History in the making.

You guys worry me, sometimes. Most of the time, actually.

FUCK YOU
I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT
I'M TAKING THIS ACT ON THE ROAD
YOU'LL BE KISSING MY ASS WHEN I'M ON TOSH.0
#DUNKED

Holy shit you used the shift key
good for you, darf
good for you

1233315
But even then, I'm not sure I would even differentiate ironic shitposting on FimFiction from my normal judgements of the average comments here.

cuck #42 · Jul 25th, 2013 · · 1 ·

who is amit

I must mention how much I love you right now.

Excuse me for a moment while I scream in absolute unbelieving joy at this hilarity.

I worry for you, Darf.

1233731
The robber-baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience. :raritywink:

1234856

Good quote. What's it from?

Can I say something that will cost me some street cred?

I liked A Description of a Fountain something something something.

It tells a story without any characters or action. Is it a little full of itself? Well, yeah, but it's by Amit. Come on.

I did a little writing exercise to try and copy A Description of a Fountain etc etc's central conceit -- story without characters or action. It developed into Lost Cities, which hasn't been too terrible, I guess.

1258530
i liked it too
that's kind of the joke

that said, i'll assume you're in on the joke, given your emulation (which i've been meaning to read for some time)
i promise that when i get around to that, i won't write a snarky blog post about it

we have no idea what words like 'Hajj', 'Otteroin', or 'the' mean

Damn, you read my mind. What the hecks does "the" means? Why is so overused? Can't someone use a synonymous once in a while?

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